The Journey to Love
by Unbearablesilence
Summary: Brittany's a rich girl, living with her parents in Lima, Ohio. but she realizes money can never mend heartache. Soon, she encounters Santana Lopez. What will happen when a self harming blonde collides with a depressed brunette?
1. Tuesday  September 18, 2001

**NOTE:** If you can't handle violence, blood, abuse or anything in that category, do **_NOT_** read. This has been a warning. **Written in Brittany's point of view.** I don't own Glee or anything else I may mention in this story. Thank you for your time.

Stay with me

My mother, Carmen, has always been mean. All she ever does is treat everyone like crap. The things she says hurt, but she doesn't care what people think. My father, Sean, is a business man that owns a restaurant just across town. After years of serving the famous 'cheese bread' that our maid, Amelia, invented we struck it rich. He never thanked her once for the recipe. We have everything you could possibly think of. A big house, fancy cars, and too many plasma screen TV's. Amelia is so nice to us, but she's always treated like a piece of trash. I don't get it. Everyone is equal; well, in my eyes at least. When we moved to a house that was guarded by a gate and a security guard, I felt like my world was suffocating. My dad was never as rude and heartless as he is now. We use to be so close, but his love for money grew and his love for me descended. I don't need all these things, yet my dad insists on giving them to me. On top of everything else, Amelia isn't getting a very high pay and when I suggested to my dad that we should give her a raise; he slapped me across the face. Hard. 'Never help the poor.' he hissed and glared at Amelia. All I could do was stand there. No talking back, or else I'd get a worse punishment. Amelia quickly ran to me after he left the room. She always seemed to make everything better. Her home remedies that she did when someone was hurt or sick actually worked. '_Mi abuelita taught me the best Mexican remedies when I lived with her on our village in Guadalajara' _she said with a smile. She had such a big heart. If I were her, I would never put up with the crap my parents were putting her through. She calls me 'Miss. Brittany' and to my parents, she says 'Mr. Pierce', 'Mrs. Pierce' or 'sir' and 'Ma'am'. I always tell her to call me _Brittany_, but she never does.

For my junior year, my parents hired someone to home school me. Again. I've never had friends, the only person I've met outside of this house was a guy named Artie. He's a nice guy, more so, I thought. But my dad wanted me to make him my boyfriend as soon as we met. We met about three months ago. I had no choice but to listen to him. Getting slapped across the face, or beat, is the last thing I want. His parents get along with mine really well. I don't pay attention to them much because all they do is gossip or complain about their maids. To me, Amelia isn't a maid. She's like family. We've had her since I was nine years old. The things she says to me have never been said to me before. '_You're a very beautiful young lady, Miss. Brittany. Bien Bonita. When you find someone that notices, don't ever let them go'_. She's just so sweet; always helping me out with my Spanish homework and doing other things. When my self esteem is low, her compliments always boost it up, well, sometimes. I use to cut myself. Or, I _still _cut myself. Nobody has ever noticed. People never notice it. They never notice anything. I have no friends that care and my parents are too busy swimming in a tub of money to even acknowledge me. As I make my way downstairs, there's a knock at the door. It must be Artie.

"Amelia! Get the damn door!" my father shouts and Amelia quickly runs to the front door. I glare at my dad as he reads his newspaper. It is Artie. He comes in with a couple behind him. I stay in my seat by the kitchen table while he makes his way towards me. He gestures his fingers, telling me to lean in to kiss him.

"This is my cousin Charles and his girlfriend Angela." he states and turns to face them. I give them a small smile and shake their hands. "You," he calls for Amelia "get us some tea." he demands and takes off his coat.

"Yes sir." she says and takes his coat along with his cousin's. I press my lips together and sigh. I hate when they treat her like that. My eyes lock with Charles' and I immediately avert them to a different direction. With that one glance, I could tell he's as much of an asshole as my father or Artie. He has an abnormal looking nose and dark brown eyes, but for some reason, his hair is as blonde as mine. Maybe even lighter. I look over to his girlfriend. She's very pretty; long dirty blonde hair and green eyes along with a perfect smile. I finally notice that I was staring for too long and move my gaze to Artie.

"Let's go to the game room." he says and wheels himself to the room. It's not really a game room because there's no games. It's more of a gossip room, except I don't gossip. Charles, Angela and I follow him and take a seat on the long couch in front of the book shelf. That book shelf that's filled with all my favorite books. I've read almost all of them. You know how some people play video games, or do crossword puzzles? Well, I read. It's what I do. It's all I do.

Amelia comes in moments later and serves us tea. She accidentally drops some on the wooden table in front of us and breaks the tea set.

"Now look what you've done! Can't you do anything right?" Artie exclaims and throws a dry cloth towards her.

"I'm sorry, sir." she says and cleans up the mess. I wonder sometimes why I decided to even be with him in the first place. Then I remember; because of my father. I lean in to pick up some of the broken pieces and Artie slaps my hand away.

"Why are you helping her? She's a maid. Let her do her job." he states coldly and glares at Amelia. I look at her with hurt eyes and pull my hand away. When she's finished cleaning the mess, I smile softly at her.

"Thanks Amelia." I tell her, she nods and walks away.

"Why do you thank her?" he asks while pulling out a cigarette. "Don't thank her. You embarrass me and yourself." he finishes and blows out the smoke from his lungs.

"You're an asshole." I state and get up from the couch. He grabs my wrist to stop me from walking out and pulls me down to his eye level.

"You have to understand that you can never treat the maid like family. They'll get attached."

"You DISGUST me." I tell him and pull away from his grip.

"Brittany, you're making a big mistake." he says while clenching his teeth. I chuckle sarcastically and keep walking. While I walking up the stairs to my room, I run into Amelia. She lowers her head and clears her throat.

"What can I get you, Miss. Brittany?" she asks while twisting a cloth in her hands. I look at her sadly and squeeze her shoulder.

"I'm fine Amelia and call me Brittany. Okay?"

She looks up at me and nods. I smile at her and she walks away quickly because she hears footsteps coming from down stairs. As I walk to my room, I can't help but think how mad my parents are going to be once they find out about what I said to Artie. My room door slams shut and I walk to the small couch by my window. Everything outside is too dull and too big. Everything is too **much**. I mean, the houses are nice, but I never expected it to be so boring. In the books, you read how couples with a baby are happy, having barbecues and parties with all their family. Here, children are stuck in their house practicing something they don't want to, practicing proper etiquette, or just alone. Like I am. I always wonder what it feels like to be in love. To be with someone so amazing you can barely breathe. My parents met in high school, so maybe that's what I need to do. Go to high school. I walk to my computer and look up the closest high school near me.

"William McKinley High School..." I say to my empty room. My hand reaches for a piece if paper and a pen so I could write down the address. Moments later, I hear loud footsteps coming up stairs. My door is locked, so whomever it is won't be able to come in.

"Brittany!" I hear my dad shout and knock on my door loudly. "Open the goddamn door!"

My hands begin to tremble and my stomach flips. I minimize the browser and open the door.

"What the hell did you tell Artie?" he asks with so much rage, his face turned red. His breath smelled like alcohol. He has always been an angry drunk.

"He was being rude to Amelia, so I called him an asshole and left."

"You're not suppose to feel sympathy for the poor! I'm embarrassed that you are my daughter!"

"Dad, Amelia is nice! She's the one that raised me, you should thank her!" I shout and he smacks me across the face.

"Don't you dare say that." he says while clenching his teeth. I hold my cheek in pain and wipe the side of my lip with my finger. I'm bleeding and so is my nose. My eyes start to water and I step back. When those words escaped his mouth, my body filled with so much anger, I could barely hold it in.

"Don't you remember when we were like that? When we could barely afford a loaf of bread?"

He breathes in deeply as he takes a sip of the bottle of wine in his hands. "Shut up. You're going to apologize to Artie." he says and walks away. My mom comes from downstairs and into my room. She pats a moist paper towel on my lip and cleans my bloody nose.

"You're dad is right, Brittany. Maybe you should apologize to Artie. It's for the best."

"Stop," I push her hand away. "get out." I tell her signaling the door. She stares at me coldly and slams the door shut. After a while of crying, I hear a knock at the door.

"Mija, its me." I hear Amelia mumble from the other side of the door. I open it and tell her to come inside. She has a tray with food in her hands and I tell her to set it down on the dresser. She smiles softly at me and leads me to the chair in front of my mirror. Her hands run through my hair and they begin to twist, making a side braid. One hand pulls my bangs to the left side of my face, and the other squeezes my shoulder lightly.

"Bien hermosa." she whispers. I don't know what it means, but i know it means something good because of the sparkle in her eyes. "Why do you do this to yourself, Brittany?" she asks me in a low tone and glances down at my right wrist, then our eyes lock. I pull my long sleeve to hide all the scars and avert her gaze.

"You're a very pretty girl, Miss. Brittany. Don't let that go to waste."

My hands begin to shake and I can feel a knot forming in my throat. She means what she says, but for some reason, I don't believe her. I don't believe _anyone_ when they compliment me. Why? I don't know. It's hard to believe when you grew up differently from other people. Its hard to trust since the people that were _meant_ to be trusted, let you down completely. Like your family. You're born to _trust_ them right? I mean, you're just born with it because your trust just grows while your in the mothers womb. You don't know any better. It's like this: here's one of the people that created me; so nice, so welcoming. I should be able to trust him/her since he/she is the one that'll be raising me. Right? That's what I think. Trusting my father is like trusting a drunk with a gun. Literally. He's never called me beautiful, like the rest of the little girls he'd talk to at his work and my mom lowers my self esteem whenever she has the chance. I knew them, I knew both of them at one point. But I guess their love for me vanished. They got over their little girl, or maybe, they never had me in the first place.


	2. Wednesday  September 19, 2001

I need you here

My dad said I have to apologize to Artie, so he's coming over with his family for dinner. I'm getting ready in my room while my mom picks out something for me to wear. I don't want to apologize, but I guess I have to.

"You have to look especially nice." my mother says and puts down a dress on my bed. I look at it strangely and roll my eyes. She walks up to me and tilts my chin up.

"You can still see the bruise on your lip," she says and strokes under it lightly. "If they ask, tell them you hit yourself or something."

I push her hand off my chin and glare at her. She doesn't care what happens to me as long as my dad keeps bringing in money. That's what they both live off. The touch, smell, and look of **money**. People think having money is so much easier. In some cases it is, but like they say, money can't buy love. We did have it once. Before all this crap about opening a restaurant and gaining all this cash.

"I want to go to a public school." I state seriously. She locks her eyes with mine and narrows them.

"You're crazy. You're father would never let that happen. It's embarrassing that you speak of those things. We'd be the subject of gossip in this entire neighborhood."

"So will this bruise on my lip."

She grabs my arm angrily "If you say one word about your father hitting you, we both go to jail. You understand?"

I don't respond. My eyes begin to tear and my breathing becomes heavy with anger.

"Save your tears for someone who _cares_." she hisses and throws a shirt at me. I don't know how a mom could be so cruel. So heartless and just so _mean_. I wipe the tear steaming down my cheek and throw the shirt across the room. All of a sudden, my dad walks in.

"What is this crap about public school? You know how bad this family is going to look?"

"I don't care about that stuff! I want to go!"

"Never."

"They don't have wine in jail." I retort. He stays silent as he walks out, then stops as soon as he get to the door frame.

"I'm not filling out paper work. You have to get everything."

"Fine." I state and he walks away, slamming the door behind him. Instead of wearing the dress my mom picked out, I wore a different one. When they arrived, we sat down to eat as Amelia served us food. As we start eating, the room fills with an awkward silence.

"So," my dad begins and sips his wine "Brittany..."

I roll my eyes and clean my mouth. I know what he wants me to do.

"Artie, I'm sorry about yesterday."

He throws me a cocky smile and pulls out a comb from his inside pocket. "It's okay. It's just best for you to know that you never help the poor." he runs the red comb through his hair and glares at Amelia. She lowers her head and anger fills my body. I glance over at his cousin Charles and he has an even bigger cocky grin.

"Oh," he says and nudges Artie's shoulder "your security guard is a total slouch."

I look up at him and put my fork down beside my plate. "Jeffery? He's a nice guy. I think you-"

"Anyway," my father cuts me off and holds his wine glass in the air "toast to Brittany and Artie reuniting."

Everyone clings their glasses together, except for me. I ignored everyone as my thoughts take me to William McKinley High School. From what I read online, it seems like a good school.

"So Brittany," Artie's mom interrupts my thoughts "How is the home school teacher that your parents hired working? Artie is enrolling in the private school across town."

"It's okay," I start and glance at my dad. He shakes his head slightly, meaning to tell me to not bring up going to a public school. But I do it anyway. "I might go to William McKinley High."

She opens her mouth and holds her hand to her heart in shock. "That crummy old school? Oh gosh, I have heard terrible things about that school."

"Yeah, I heard the ceilings are made of newspaper and the toilets are unbearable." Artie states with a giggle. Everyone chuckles as I look down at my food.

"I'm not hungry. Excuse me." I say and push my plate aside. What they said wasn't true. At least, that's what I think. When I make it to my room, I lie in bed, looking up at the ceiling. After a couple of minutes, I hear a knock on my door.

"Brittany, its Charles." a mumble comes from behind the door and I answer it.

"What?"

"Let's talk."

I let him in; he shuts and locks the door behind him. I look at him confused and he makes his way towards me. As I step backwards, he's stepping forward. Next thing I know, he's pushing me up against the wall.

"What the hell." I say breathlessly. He puts his hand over my mouth to prevent me from screaming as I fidget in his grip.

"They can't hear you, Brittany and even if they could, they _wouldn't care_." he hisses in my ear as his lips kiss my neck. I shiver in disgust and gain enough strength to push him off.

"Get out." I say as I clench my teeth and push him to the door.

"Fine, fine!" he says and throws his hands up in the air. "but you'll want me someday."

I slam the door and fall face down into my bed. Tears are now falling down my face and my body feels disgusting. I thought when people touched you like that; you'd feel sexy or special. Like in the romance novels. Only a special person is suppose to touch you like that. You're supposed to feel beautiful...right? That's how the authors explain it. So passionate. So amazing. This was different. I feel disgusting and violated.

"Brittany!" I hear my dad shout and I pull the bed covers over my body. "Open your damn door!"

"Sean, please just leave her-" I hear my mom beg for him to stop, then all of a sudden I hear a loud slap and glass break on the wooden floor.

"Brittany!" he shouts again. My heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach as he bangs on the door harder. "I'm knocking this door down!"

The door frame begins to break apart and the door handle suddenly falls off. I tie a bunch of my scarfs together and throw them over the balcony to use as a rope. The door finally breaks down; luckily, I make it to the ground.

"Brittany Susan Pierce!" he exclaims as he watches me run away from the balcony. Jeffery, the security guard, tries to close the gate, but I run fast enough to make it through. He closed it slowly on purpose; he knew where I was headed. My heart pumps faster and faster as I run to my hiding place. Where's that hiding place? In the woods by a small creek, and by that small creek is a horse trail. As I come to a stop by the creek, I can hear a noise coming from the other side of the water. After a couple of moments, I see a girl. Gorgeous brown hair, amazing body and the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. Every time I come here, I always see her walking dogs and she carries a bag. Those kind of bags that people carry around when they go to the gym or play sports. We've never made eye contact, and I don't think I want to. My heart rate begins to come back to normal as I toss stones into the creek. This place is an alternative to cutting. If I come here, I don't cut; if I cut, it means I'm not here. My eyes land on the rock next to me, but quickly avert to the scars on my wrist. Each one has a different story; manipulation, lies, pain, hopelessness, and misery. But those are just _some_ of the reasons. I can feel every scar burn as I touch them. As I look at them. As I imagine the sensation of the blade cut through my skin and let out all of the qualms I had encountered. The feeling is unexplainable. It's like you're drowning in a pool of all of your problems and all you want is someone to rescue you. That's why there are life guards, right? But in this case, I have to life guard. So my only choice is to drown. Drown until I can feel the sharp end of a blade and pain in my wrist, after a while, there's no more pain. You feel numb. Relieved. As if you're slowly vanishing into the air, but only for a second.

After about an hour, the sun starts to set and the stars start to shine. There's a noise coming from the trees and bushes in the woods. I look around, but don't see anything. All of a sudden, a dog and a cop pop up beside me. He pulls me up and handcuffs me.

"What the hell are you doing?" I ask angrily.

"You ran away from home and your parents called."

"You can't-"

"Yes I can." he interrupts me and guides me out of the woods. After walking all the way home, he knocks on the door as we stand on the front porch. My father looks down at me, and then at the cop.

"Thank you." he says while the deputy takes the cuffs off my wrists. He looks at me strangely as I walk inside. His eyes turned from a dark angry brown to a normal shade of brown. I have a feeling he noticed my scars. My dad starts shutting the door but he quickly puts his put in front to stop it.

"Deputy Dave Perry. Mind if I come in? You have a beautiful home." he asks politely. My mother turns to look at me then back at my father.

"Of course." my dad says and opens the door wide enough for him to come inside. "Coffee?"

The sheriff shakes his head and walks to the kitchen with my mom.

"Go sit on the stairs, we need to talk." my dad states while clenching his teeth.

"Talk? Since when do we ever talk?" I ask sarcastically. He steps closer to me, but my mom calls him from the kitchen.

"Don't say a word." he hisses and walks away. I can over hear them talking and talking about random stuff. Mostly about how my dad opened a restaurant and made millions.

"I'm sorry to keep you up all night." the cop tells both my parents as he walks to the front door. My dad shakes his head and tells him it was nice to have him. God, what a hypocrite.

"Don't run away anymore okay little girl?" he tells me. I look up at him as tears swell up in my eyes.

"I won't promise it." I retort. My father glares at me and my mother shakes her head ashamed.

"Okay.." Dave replies and heads out the door. He noticed what a bunch of phonies my parents are. The look on his face made it clear.

"How dare you escape from us like that." my father says angrily and smacks me with the back of his hand. I hold my cheek in pain as a tear streams down my face. My mom bites her lip sadly and runs to the kitchen.

"Don't you ever get tired?" I ask him weakly. His teeth clench and right then I knew what I said hit him. Hard. I start running up the stairs, but he grabs my arm to stop me.

"Not a word. Understand?" he says and I pull away from his grip. My heart clenches in pain as I shut the door to my room and flop face down into my pillow. The tears land on my pillow as I sob loudly. I can taste the blood from the inside of my cheek and the sting of how hard he slapped me. My chest starts heaving as I try and catch my breath. I'm drowning again. I race to my bathroom and look at my reflection. Pale and lost. The scars on my wrist are burning, aching for the sensation of metal deep inside my skin. I need it. Crave it. Want it. I need to have it. My hand reaches for the medicine cabinet and opens it abruptly, knocking down all the cough syrup, band aids, and pills. The shiny, silver blades lies patiently on the top shelf; calling my name. Listen closely and maybe you'll hear it too. I hold it in between my index finger and thumb, then slowly glide it across my right wrist. It's okay, it can't be seen. No one will know. My body soon relaxes as I inhale deeply and take in the sensation of blood dripping down my arm. I feel so numb, but so lost. Finally. No more pain. And you know what? That's all I wanted. Less pain.


	3. Thursday  September 20, 2001

Listen to my thoughts

I woke up to my parents yelling at each other this morning, but it makes no difference. They're always fighting. As I sit at my computer, printing the paper work for high school, Amelia comes into my room and sets a breakfast tray by my dresser.

"Thanks." I say to her with a small smile. She walks towards me and kisses my forehead lightly.

"De nada, mi niña." she replies.

"Amelia! Where's my coffee?" my dad asks from the kitchen table. Her eyes widen and she runs quickly down the stairs. When I'm done printing all the papers, I begin to fill them out, then take them down stairs for my dad to sign.

"Amelia, where's my dad?" I ask her and she points towards his office. I knock and stand by the door frame nervously.

"You need to sign these." I say and hand him the papers. He eyes them strangely and signs them.

"You better find a ride because I'm not taking you every day."

"I'll ask Amelia to-"

"No! You want to go to this school so you'll walk!"

"It's over a mile away!"

He stands up in front of his desk and takes off his reading glasses angrily. "You will walk." he states clenching his teeth. My eyes land on the clock with bright green numbers beside him. 2:33 pm.

"I'll be back in an hour." I tell him and walk out. He's probably wondering what I'm going to do, so I tell Amelia to tell him I'm going to turn in the papers at McKinley. As I walk the cross walk to the school, I think about how hard it's going to be to make friends. I mean, I don't have any. After thirty minutes, I finally make it to the office and turn in the papers.

"Okay, here are your classes," a woman at the front desk hands me a paper with a bunch of different class numbers and a school map "school starts tomorrow at eight. Welcome to McKinley!" she says happily. A small smile comes across my lips.

"Thank you." I say and walk into the halls. I just want to familiarize myself with the school a little more. When I make it to the hallway, I see a couple of students getting things from their locker. Then, I see that girl that's always walking dogs. She jerks her head towards me, but I look away quickly. Maybe she felt me staring at her. The bell rings, so she closes her locker and heads the opposite direction, away from me, and out the other exit. I sigh in relief and head back home. Classes started about a week ago, so I probably haven't missed a lot. I'm glad I'm finally going to a school like a normal teenager. It's better than being at home. Anything is better than being at home.

When I make it back, I see that Artie's mom's car is in the driveway. I roll my eyes and go inside.

"Brittany! Artie was such a gentleman and he brought you flowers! Look!" my father says in the most hypocritical tone ever. He's never happy. What a hypocrite.

"Hey." Artie greets me and hands me the flowers.

"Thanks." I say. My mom nudges my shoulder lightly, meaning she wants me to kiss him, but I don't.

"I'm going up to my room." I state as an awkward silence fills the space between them. My mom grabs my arm stopping me, but I fight off her grip and head up stairs. As I walk upstairs, I see Amelia has her purse and a piece of paper with her.

"Where you going Amelia?"

"I'm going to the mini-mart across town. Wanna come?"

I nod and grab some cash from my room. When we get down stairs, my dad eyes me strangely and looks at Amelia.

"Where are you going Brittany?"

"To the mini-mart with Amelia."

"That place is dangerous, you're crazy if-"

My mom presses her hand on his forearm telling him to calm down. He doesn't finish his sentence, instead, he walks away angry and irritated. Amelia and I continue walking and call a cab. It's interesting because I've never been on this side of town before. As soon as we pulled up to the mini-mart, Amelia quickly pushes me inside.

"Sorry Mija, it's just that this place is a little dangerous for a girl like you." she states, but not in a bad way. I know she doesn't mean it in a bad way. As we walk around the small store, I see a girl in an aisle fixing some cereal boxes. It's the same girl from before. I know it's her. Same brown hair and bright smile. She's wearing a name tag, but I can't make out her name. I'm glad I can't because I'd feel like a huge creep.

"Brittany, you want anything?" Amelia asks me. I blink rapidly focusing on her question and away from the girl down the aisle.

"No, no." I say quickly and follow her to the cash register. We finish paying and head outside to wait for the bus back home.

"Can we go over there?" I ask Amelia as I point to the small plaza across the street. She nods and we walk over to the small stores.

"Something smells good." I say and sniff the vanilla-cinnamon scent.

"Those are the churros! You will love them, come with me. Te compro uno."

I giggle and follow her to a man with a skinny, sugary, stick of bread in his hands. "Be careful Mija, it's hot." Amelia says and hands me the pastry. I take a bite and swallow the sweet taste of cinnamon.

"This is so good." I tell Amelia with my mouth full. She giggles and grabs a hold of my wrist.

"The bus is here, let's go."

We walk into the bus and head back home. The entire ride back, all I think about is the girl that works at the mini-mart. Something about her seems to draw me to her, kind of like my parents to money.

"Something wrong?" I feel Amelia's hand slap my thigh lightly as I look outside the window. A small smile comes across my face and I sigh.

"I'm okay."

"I heard you start school tomorrow."

"Who told you?"

She shrugs with a smile "A little pajarito." she replies and makes her hand look like a bird. I giggle and nod.

"I'm proud of you," she tilts my chin up and looks me in the eye "I'd be very proud to call you my daughter." she states and tears form in her eyes. I lean in to hug her and she hugs me tighter. We stop a couple of minutes from the house and walk quickly since it's almost night time. When we walk inside, my dad is sitting on the couch reading the newspaper and drinking wine, of course. He gets up from his seat as I walk up stairs.

"Brittany." he calls and signals me to come down the stairs. I walk a couple of steps down, just so that I'm about four feet away from him.

"You're grounded." he states while drinking his bottle of wine. I look down at the floor, and then head back up stairs. It didn't affect me because I don't go out anyway. And if I do, they barely notice. Now, I lie in bed looking up at the ceiling. I've never been to a public school, so I'm kind of nervous for tomorrow. Maybe it'll be worth seven hours of my life.


	4. Friday  September 21, 2001

As I whisper in your ear

I hear my alarm ringing and my head jerks up so I could turn it off. 7:30 am. My stomach starts tingling while I walk to take a quick shower. As I dry my wet hair, I pick out something to wear from my closet. Amelia is usually here at five in the morning, so she's probably the one in the kitchen right now. I get dressed then head down stairs for breakfast. My dad is passed out on the couch and Amelia is cooking. She hands a plate to me and gets my back pack from the hallway closet.

"Here sweetheart, it has all you need in it."

"Thanks." I say as I grab it and stuff food into my mouth.

"De nada." she replies with a smile. I walk over to her and hug her goodbye while grabbing the spare keys to the gate.

"I'll see you later." I tell her and walk out. When I make it to McKinley, my hands become sweaty and I begin to get a little more nervous than I hoped. The bell rings and I run around looking for my English class. When I get to a door with the number 167 on it, I quickly walk inside and feel eyes stare back at me. The teacher smiles as I walk towards her.

"Welcome! I'm your English teacher, Mrs. Lindroff. You must be Brittany!" she says in a high pitched tone. I nod and she claps her hands like a retarded seal.

"Well, take a seat over there," she points to a desk next to a girl that's looking down into a book and I sit down. "Would you let our new student borrow your notes?" she asks the girl and she nods. As she flips through her notebook, I notice something. Her brown hair and her caramel skin look familiar.

"Here, you need this page and you need to know all the definitions to these words." she tells me and points at all the highlighted marks on her paper. I'm too busy staring into her eyes to even be paying attention. All I do is and pull the notebook closer to me, but when I do; my long sleeve goes upwards revealing the scars on my wrist. I pull it down quickly hoping she didn't see, but I know she did because of the way she reacted. She became very timid and nervous as time passed by. The bell rings, so I head to my next class, History. After that, it was break so I go to the student store to buy my clothes for gym. I hear the bell ring once again and go to gym class. My brain almost exploded as I tried opening my locker. I've never been in a girl's locker room, let alone open a lock. Since I failed at opening it, I changed in the bathroom.

"Three laps around the track." the Physical Ed teacher demands and we do what he says. After running, we play any sport we want. I look around and notice the girl in my English class playing basket ball. She's really good, amazing actually.

"Let's go Pierce! Get goin'!" I hear my teacher yell. I quickly grab a soccer ball and head for the field. About forty minutes later, he called all of us in and rounded up all the balls. Everyone went into the locker room and started changing, while I stayed behind a couple of minutes since I didn't know how to open mine yet. Almost everybody left except for a couple of girls. I tried unlocking it once again and couldn't.

"Damn." I say breathlessly and run my hand through my hair. Someone is standing to the far right of me; I can feel them staring. Footsteps being to make their way towards my direction as I look down at my locker combo.

"Here," she gets the locker combination from my hand begins twisting it. It's her. You know, the girl with gorgeous brown hair and caramel skin. I don't know her name yet, but I'll find out soon. My heart begins to race faster and faster as I stare her down. She's in a black sports bra with red shorts and her toned stomach glistens with sweat along with her neck. I've never been this attracted to a person before. She bites her lip and I avert my gaze to something else. Then, out of nowhere, she bangs the top and it opens. "It gets stuck sometimes." she breathes out and wipes her sweat with the towel hanging over her shoulder. I swallow hard and cross my arms nervously.

"T-thanks." I stutter. She smiles and walks away into the showers. "Holy crap." I breathe out and press my head against the lockers. When I finish taking a quick shower, I head out to my next class. After that, it's lunch. While I carry my books to my locker, I hear people whispering and giggling as I walk by.

"Rich bitch!" I hear a random guy shout from behind me. "Go back to your playboy mansion, ugly slut!"

My stomach turns and I can feel my face grow red in embarrassment. Then, I see a big, muscular guy walking towards me with a big cup in his hands.

"Welcome to McKinley ugly shit face!" he shouts and throws a red substance in my face. It gets into my eyes and I can feel them burning as I try opening them. I race to the nearest bathroom and clean myself up. My eyes land on my reflection in the mirror and I replay the things they said. As if my self esteem wasn't low enough. I grab another paper towel and continue cleaning my neck. All of a sudden, _she _walks in. The girl with caramel skin and brown hair. I glance at her, but keep my eyes on my reflection. She walks up behind me and hands me an extra shirt.

"You won't survive at this school," she tells me and our eyes meet in each others reflection while I continue to clean the sticky substance from my hair. Her eyes glance at the scars on my wrist and I quickly put down my arm. "but that's why you have me." she finishes with a soft smile.

"You're beautiful, don't believe the crap random strangers say to you." she says in the most sincere tone I have ever heard in my life.

"You're a random stranger...should I believe you?" I ask her. She smiles and shrugs.

"If you want." she replies with a huge smile. That smile that shows her bright teeth and cute dimples. It's weird. I barely know her and all these things about her capture my attention. I giggle and look to the floor shyly. The feeling of her eyes going through my body makes me weak and I can barely stand.

"What's your name?"

"Brittany."

"Well Brittany, I'm Santana. And your schedule says you're in my last class. So let's grab some food and I'll show you around."

I nod. "I need to change first."

"Go for it." she tells me. I reach for the bottom of my shirt and normally, I would feel uncomfortable changing in front of someone, but i don't with her. The way she stares at my body makes me feel a little bit better about myself. Her breathing all of a sudden became heavier and I can see her chest heaving.

"How does it look?" I ask and our eyes lock. Her gorgeous brown ones with my blue ones.

"Good." she says weakly with a soft smile. I smile back and grab my things as we head out to the cafeteria. She grabs me a tray of food and we walk around looking at different things.

"See that table," she points to a table in the middle of the room and my eyes land on a bunch of different people. "That's where _we _hang out." she states and sticks French fry in her mouth. "Here's the deal. The brunette: her name is Rachel Berry, who is taken by the blonde: Quinn Fabray. To the left is Kurt, Mercedes, Tina: taken by the guy beside her Mike. Rachel and Quinn are my best friends. And that's about it." she finishes and I look at her with wide eyes.

"Welcome to McKinley." she says with a smirk and leads us to the table. She introduces me to everyone and continues to show me around school. When the bell rings for Geometry class, we walk to the room and sit next to each other.

"I don't get anything she's saying." I whisper and Santana hears me. She giggles and looks down at my workbook.

"Look," she says and points at a triangle "this angle has the same measurement as this angle so that means they're congruent."

My lips shape into a small 'o' finally understanding what the teacher was explaining.

"What school did you come from?" she asks me while writing down notes from the board.

"I was home schooled. My teacher was horrible."

"Oooh, hence your nick name 'rich bitch'."

I shrug and look down at the workbook. She tilts her head a little so that she can see my face and locks her eyes with mine.

"What are you doing at a place like this?" she asks in a weak, low tone. I avert my gaze and breathe in deeply. Tears swell up in my eyes and I can hear my mother: 'save your tears for someone who cares'. I look up at the ceiling trying to hold them in.

"I don't know." I respond, but I _do_ know. I wanted to come to this school so I wouldn't be stuck at home.

She nods and looks back up at the board. I want to tell her because for some reason I feel like I can trust her. And I will, eventually.

The dismissal bell rings and everyone heads home. I stay behind looking down at the notes we took and realize no one is in the classroom anymore.

"You wanna stay longer?" Santana asks teasingly from behind me.

"I just don't understand a lot of this stuff." I tell her. She presses her lips together and walks beside me.

"I'll tutor you."

My heart skips a beat and I look up at her. Our eyes meet and a small smile comes across my face.

"Cool," I say breathlessly. She lowers her head to hide her blush and I smile even wider. "My house Monday after school?"

She nods and I pack my things so we could walk to our lockers.

"Hey! The rich bitch hired someone to clean her _carpet!_"

I hear a random guy yell from across the hall. I'm guessing it was some kind of joke because everyone started laughing and sneering at Santana. I get it now. What a sick and perverted joke. My heart drops to the bottom of my stomach as I turn to look at her. Out of nowhere, her backpack drops to the floor along with her books and she pushes the guy against the lockers, choking him until he's red. My eyes widen in shock and I immediately drag her off of him.

"Santana what are you doing? You're going to get in trouble!" I tell her and she lets go. All she does is stand in front of him as he struggles for air.

"Let's go." she says and grabs her things. I follow her and we make it to our lockers. It's awkward now.

"You don't have to talk to me anymore." she states and starts to walk away, but I get a hold of her forearm and bring her closer again.

"It's okay." I say in a low tone and smile. She looks to the floor, but then her eyes lock with mine.

"Kay."

"So where were you going anyway?" I ask her and close my locker. She shrugs and we start to walk.

"Home."

"Cool, um you don't know a shortcut to Palm Gail would you?"

I can feel her tense up and rub her neck awkwardly.

"Aren't you..." I say, but don't finish my sentence because she knows what I'm talking about.

"That weird girl that walks dogs every evening? Yeah, that's me." she replies with a half smile. "and aren't you-"

"That weird girl that throws stones into the creek? Yup, that's me." I say and we both laugh. Silence fills the space between us as she leads me to the shortcut.

"Are all of those dogs yours?" I ask her curiously.

She laughs. "No, I walk dogs for people in your neighborhood to make extra cash."

"Oh," I say and exchange my backpack to my left shoulder. "where do _you_ live?"

She presses her lips together and doesn't respond. I wonder why she doesn't.

"We're here!" she says and jumps over a small gate. I jump after her and my eyes widen.

"Woah, that was cool." I state as I look at my house a couple of feet away from me.

"Thanks." I tell her as I take a step on my front porch. "Want to come in? Maybe I could give you a ride home."

"Oh no, no, no. It's totally fine. I'll uhh, wait for the bus."

"The bus doesn't come until four thirty, and it's barely three."

"It's getting late I should go." she says quickly and starts walking backwards.

"Okay, bye." I state in a low tone and walk inside my house. Amelia comes from upstairs and greets me.

"How was school?" she asks me with a smile as she heads for the kitchen. "and who gave you that shirt?"

"It went really well actually and I just had an accident, that's all." I look down at the shirt and smile. It was a nice shirt. It said 'WMHS Basketball'. I'm glad she was there to save me or else my self esteem would be below sea level by now.

"Well, it's time to eat now." she says and hands me a plate of food. When I finish eating, I head up to my room and start on my homework.

"Brittany?" my dad calls for me from his room. I roll my eyes and continue doing my homework. The reason I don't go to him when he calls me is because he always lectures me on things I don't need to hear. Like 'This is bad for your reputation' 'the entire neighborhood will know'. Just dumb crap like that. He opens my door and steps inside. When I look up he's beside my bed.

"Your grandmother is coming and I want you to be on your best behavior." he says. I don't answer him though. "I want her to meet your boyfriend, Artie."

"He's not my boyfriend. I don't even-"

"We've established this already Brittany. He's your boyfriend."

I sigh angrily and continue to look down at my books as he walks out and slams the door behind him. I lie back and looking up at the ceiling while my clock ticks from my dresser.

-Tick

-Tick

-Tick

All I'm thinking about is Santana. How nice she was to me today. No one has ever been that nice to me, except for Amelia. Not even my own parents. Out of nowhere, I hear them yelling at each other. It's not surprising. I'm use to it. So instead of worrying about them, I sleep. Because they're grownups right? They can take care of themselves.


	5. Monday  September 24, 2001

_Keep me in your mind_

This morning, Amelia woke me because my alarm was off. As I put books into my locker, I see Rachel and Quinn hand in hand walking to class. I wish someone would walk me to class. It's cute. When they make it to a room at the very end of the hall, they stop. Rachel leans back against the lockers and Quinn is leaning over her with an arm above her small head. I don't know them much, but they seem nice. Quinn is a gorgeous blonde with amazing hazel eyes and Rachel is a matching brunette with an amazing smile. They notice my gaze towards them and smile at me. I smile back and close my locker.

"Crap." I breathe out and walk the opposite direction as them. When I turn to my left, I bump into someone. It's Santana.

"Oh my god." I say and start picking up all her books and papers.

"Hey, hey. It's fine." she says and starts picking up her things too. I look up at her and our eyes lock for a couple of moments.

"Um-uhh..." she stutters and blinks rapidly while gathering her things. I continue to pick up the items and hand them to her.

"I'm so sorry." I tell her and look to the floor shyly.

"It's okay, don't worry about it." she replies with a smile. "Where are you going? Class is that way."

"Well uh, I was going to the bathroom." I state and she looks at me funny.

"Right..." she says unconvinced "well, I'll see you in class." she starts walking to her locker while I quickly make my way to the bathroom.

"Wow." I breathe out and look into the huge rectangular mirror in front of me. The bell rings seconds later and I walk to class. Santana is sitting in the same seat where she was before, so I make my way next to her. A smile comes across her face and I smile back. I see she has her book on the other side of her desk and I sigh.

"We need our book?" I ask as I run my hand through my hair. She nods.

"Yup, everyday."

I breathe out in frustration and lay my backpack on my desk. "Crap." I say and put my head down. She giggles and nudges me playfully.

"Chill out, we can share."

I look up at her and smile. "Thanks." I say and our eyes lock. The way they sparkle makes my heart beat like a loud drum.

"No prob." she says softly with our eyes still locked.

"Okay class!" Mrs. Lindroff comes in through the door with her coffee in hand. Santana and I both jump slightly at her loud voice and look away shyly. "Turn to page 276 and start on the grammar sentences."

I can feel my face turn a bright red as I sit there playing with the pen in my hand and looking down at the blank piece of paper. She scoots the book closer to me and starts doing the work. It's like, we have this vibe. A vibe that I've never had with anyone before. She squints her eyes to look at the sentences. The way she tries so hard makes me want to laugh.

"What?" she asks with a smile and goes from looking at her paper, to me.

"I just uhh...some of the sentences are funny." I reply awkwardly and she laughs.

"You're funny." she tells me and closes her book. The bell rings and we pack up to go to our next class. She smiles at me as she walks out the door. My heart immediately begins beating like I just ran a marathon or something.

Fast forward a couple of hours later, and I'm in gym class. I walk into the locker room and see Santana tying her hair up in front of a mirror by the bathroom. Her shorts are black and her shirt is plain white; I could see her red sports bra through it.

"Hey." she greets me as soon as she sees my reflection in the mirror in front of her.

"Hey." I reply with a smile.

"I'll see you outside." she tells me and takes a sip of her water bottle. I nod and walk to my locker. I managed to open it and start changing, but as I'm doing so, I hear voices from the other aisle.

"Yeah, I heard she was a dyke." one girl says in a low tone. Her voice was all scratchy, like if she just smoked a years worth of cigarettes.

"The new girl? No way! I heard the brunette she hangs out with is a dyke." I hear another girl with a high pitched preppy voice say back.

"Well either way, if she keeps hanging out with her; they'll both be known as dykes until graduation." I hear the first girl say and shut her locker. They both walk by the aisle, but don't notice I'm in their presence still. My heart stops and I shut my eyes trying to hold in my tears. If I wanted to get hurt, I should have stayed home. I manage to pull myself together head outside. After running three laps, I grab a soccer ball and go to the field.

"Pierce! Bring 'em in!" I hear the P.E. teacher yell twenty minutes later and run to hand him the ball. My body is covered in sweat and I can feel it drip down my forehead. As I walk to the showers, a bunch of girls eye me weirdly. They look at me as if I had something on my face. I shrug it off though, but there's a point to where I can only handle so much.

When I'm done taking a quick shower, I go to my locker to change. Santana is at hers, a couple to the left, fixing her things. She's in a red and black bra this time. And it's not a sports bra, it's a normal one. The jeans she has on hug her hips and thighs so amazingly I couldn't help but stare. She accidentally dropped one of her shirts and as she leaned down to pick it up, I noticed a tattoo on her lower back. It was a Jesus cross and a name in cursive letters over it. I couldn't make out the name, but it didn't look like a girls because it had and 'o' at the end. I breathe in deeply realizing how aroused I was. God was it hot. She noticed me glance at the tattoo and bit her lip shyly.

"Boyfriend?" I ask as I put on my shirt. When I locked my eyes with hers, they were hurt ones. They were confused, sad, and helpless all at once.

"Oh, I'm sorry. You don't have to tell me."

"No-"

The bell interrupts what she was going to say and I quickly grab my things.

"I'll see you at lunch." I tell her and walk quickly out of the locker room. She didn't want to tell me, or maybe she did she just didn't know how to put it in words. It's okay though. We barely know each other, so it makes sense if she doesn't want to say anything.

The bell rang for lunch about an hour later. While I walk over to my locker and put my books away, I can see people staring at me from the corner of my eye. The whispering and giggling is making me paranoid, so I quickly stick my books in my locker and head for the cafeteria. As I walk by a bunch of preppy girls, one of them steps in front of me and knocks my notebook out of my hands.

"Oops." she says sarcastically and starts laughing. I have no idea what to do, so I just keep pick them up and keep walking. That girl that knocked down my notebook is the same one that was talking crap about me and Santana in the locker room. I should have knocked her out that very moment.

When I make it in the cafeteria, I see Rachel walking my way and I immediately think I made the wrong decision. It's awkward because I hardly know her.

"Hey." she says in a happy tone.

"Hey." I reply in a shaky voice. She smiles and links her arm with mine.

"Let's go get lunch. I bumped into Santana earlier and she said she was tutoring someone so she'll be a little late."

I smile. "Okay." I say and we walk to the lunch line to grab a tray of food. We both walk to our table and Rachel takes a seat next to Quinn, while I take one across from them. There's an empty seat beside me so I figured I'd put my things there to save Santana a spot.

"You like this school?" Quinn asks as she sips her apple juice. I look up at her and shrug. She wraps her arm around Rachel's neck and giggles.

"It's a little rough, but you'll get use to it." she replies. I force a smile to my face and look down at my tray of food. Moments later, Santana comes from behind me and messes up my hair.

"What's up guys?" she asks with a smile and I move my things from the chair next to me. My heart starts beating faster and faster as she adjusts in the empty seat.

"Gosh, what took you so long Lopez? Helping out that chick in chemistry, again?" Quinn asks her with a smirk. Santana glares at her and flicks macaroni from her spoon.

"Shut up, Fabray. She's not even my type. Get a grip." she replies with a slight smile. My heart dropped when Quinn said that. I didn't want Santana to have any other connection with anyone else. Selfish, right? I glance at her and then back down at my food.

"You okay?" she asks lowers her head to meet my gaze.

"I'm fine."

She nods, grabs the apple juice from my tray and takes a sip then puts it back. I swallow hard and stare at the bottle like its a billion dollars. Maybe even more. If my lips touch that end of the bottle, it'll be like kissing her. Like tasting her lips. Well, kind of. My eyes lock with hers and she smiles. We stay like that for a moment, and then quickly look away. Quinn and Rachel noticed because I saw them smirk at each other from the corner of my eye.

"Can I show you something?" Santana asks me. I nod and she grabs both our backpacks. We walk into the empty hallway and go into a small classroom with dimmed lights, paintings and art tools. Books are scattered all over a rectangular desk along with notebooks.

"This is where I go when..." she starts in a low tone and glances down at my wrist. I scrunch my face confused as if I didn't know what she meant.

"Um-uh, never mind." she finishes and puts her backpack on one of the desks. "I'm really close with the janitor here, he's like my dad. He lets me come here after school and in the morning sometimes."

"Cool." I say with a smile and look at some of her art. Some are drawings and some are paintings of actual people. She's watching me as I pick one up from the easel and look at it longingly, trying to figure out where I've seen it before.

"This is the path we took yesterday, huh?" I ask with a small smile.

"Yeah," she says and steps closer to me. "when I painted it, they had barely made it a shortcut to your neighborhood. It had flowers and stones so you could tell it apart from the dirt, but I guess they vanished or something."

"You're _really_ good." I tell her with a smile and look over to my right. There's a painting of a boy, that looked fourteen or so, with a huge smile on his face. He looks a lot like Santana. Same smile, eyes, and skin tone. He's hugging an older woman; I'm guessing it's his grandmother or something.

"Is he your brother?" I ask and glance at the painting. She nods and presses her lips together. Her mouth opens slightly to say something, but the bell rings; interrupting her sentence. I let out a small laugh and grab my backpack. We both have our last class together, so we walk out the lonely room and into the hall. Everyone is rushing to their lockers and classrooms, but then I see the girl that knocked my folder out of my arms.

"Dykes." I hear her say and her group of friends giggle. I ignore it and look over to Santana. She breathes in deeply and clenches her teeth. I can tell that really pissed her off.

"You okay?" I ask her as she sits down in the seat next to me. She nods and sighs.

"Are you still coming over after school?" I ask and our eyes lock. She smiles and I smile back at her.

"Of course." she answers and nudges me playfully. I giggle and give her a little push.

After that class, we started walking over to my place. I hope they're not home because I don't want them to be mean to Santana. She's my first friend ever.

"I'm apologizing for my parents in advance." I say to her while looking down at the ground.

She giggles. "Why?"

"They're assholes." I respond with a shrug. She laughs even harder and I let out a small chuckle.

"Don't worry 'bout it." she replies and smiles softly at me. I stare at her longingly, but then realize I've stared for too long and look away.

When we make it to my door step, Amelia answers the door since I forgot my keys.

"Oh Brittany, Brittany." she says playfully and taps my nose. I invite Santana inside to greet my parents while Amelia disappears into the kitchen.

"Mom, Dad, this is my friend Santana." I tell them and Santana smiles and waves.

"Hello." she says shyly. I smile at how adorable she is and turn to my parents again.

"She came to tutor me."

"If you needed a tutor I could have hired one and you wouldn't have to bring strangers home, Brittany." my father says coldly while looking at his newspaper. I roll my eyes and my mother nods, agreeing with him.

"Especially poor ones." she says in a low tone so Santana couldn't hear. But I know she did. I clench my fists trying to hold in my anger. Santana locks her eyes with mine and gives me a small smile.

"It's fine." she mouths to me and I sigh in relief.

"I'm going to my room." I tell them both and grab Santana's hand. The facial expression she made when I reached for it made me laugh. She was shocked, it was cute.

"You have a gorgeous house." she tells me while closing the door to my room. "I'm scared I might break something."

I giggle and lie on my stomach on my bed. "It sucks because I don't have siblings or anything."

She sighs. "I get it."

I nod and pat the empty space next to me, telling her to lie down. She smiles widely and does exactly that.

"So, homework?" she asks and I take out my Geometry book.

"Okay," she starts and points at the numbers in the book. "if triangle ABC is congruent to triangle DEF, then angle A is congruent to what angle..?"

"Um, congruent means the same, so angle A is congruent to...angle D!"

"Yeah!" she says happily and raises her hand for a high five. I slap it lightly and giggle. A couple of minutes later, there's a knock at my door.

"It's me, Mija." Amelia says and I get up to open the door. She comes in with a tray of food for both Santana and I.

"You need brain food." she says playfully and I giggle.

"You didn't have to." I reply and set the tray on the dresser next to my mirror.

"Eat, okay girls?" she says with smile. I nod and she shuts the door behind her. I bounce back on my bed and place the pen in my hand.

"You're not going to eat?" Santana asks me and tilts her head slightly.

"I'm not hungry." I reply and look down at my book. "is this-"

"Brittany, you didn't eat today." she interrupts and our eyes meet. I didn't answer her. It was nerve wrecking when she looked at me like that. She'd read me. Sometimes, she would just stare at me and read me like a book. I have stories, but none of them are worth writing them on paper, let alone be heard. Especially by someone like her.

"but neither did you." I point out. She presses her lips together and sighs.

"If I eat, will you eat with me?"

I nod and she gets up for the tray. We start eating little by little and by the time we look down at the plates of food, we realize we've only eaten half of it.

"Okay, I'm done." she says and extends her arm so she could place the plate on the dresser. Her shirt starts rising up, making the tattoo on her lower back visible. I glance at it and she notices. A small smile comes across her face and my face turns a bright red.

"He was my brother," she starts and smacks her lips together. "_Twin _brother actually. He committed suicide when we were freshman. One day, he said he was "sick", so he stayed home. When I made it back, he was hanging from the fan on the ceiling. Dead. Cuts on his wrist and blood on the bathroom floor..."

Tears start forming in her eyes and I could feel the pain in my wrist when she said the word 'cuts'. She breathes in deeply and looks to the floor as she tries fighting back her tears.

"It's okay," I whisper. "Cry..."

She smiles softly and let's a tear stream down her light pink cheek. I scoot closer to her and wipe it off.

"I know we barely know each other, so I'm sorry if I come off as a psychopath." she informs me and lets out a chuckle.

I shake my head quickly. "Don't worry about that, and you're not a psychopath. I see them everyday you're not even close."

Our eyes lock and I swear you could hear this -click- sound. Like if were meant to be. She's reading me. If only she knew I'm a book half unread. Someone just...needs to turn the page.

"Brittany!" I hear my dad shout. "Artie is here!"

I roll my eyes and jump off my bed.

"Boyfriend?" she asks and reaches for her things.

"Unfortunately..." I breathe out and rub the back of my neck embarrassed. She nods and starts walking out my door.

"I'll see you tomorrow...?" I ask and she smiles.

"Of course." she replies as I walk her down stairs. I see Artie in the living-room with my grandma sitting peacefully in the couch. I smile at her and walk Santana to the exit.

"Thanks for helping me.." I say shyly. She smiles and taps my nose lightly.

"Anytime." she whispers and walks away. My heart begins to pump faster and faster as my nerves process her touch. I turn around and greet my grandmother with a hug.

"How are you dear?" her voice cracks slightly and my mood seems to change suddenly. I didn't know she was sick until now. Maybe that's why she came.

"I'm doing well, grandma. How are _you?_"

"Oh, I'm doing great my dear!" she says happily and waves her hand in the air. Her eyes start to water and I notice her struggle for air. All of a sudden, she starts coughing and panting. My eyes widen and I quickly run to the kitchen for a glass of water. She sips it slowly and sets it on the table.

"I wanted to talk to you, sweetheart," she starts and looks over to my parents. "_Alone_." she finishes. Both my mom and dad get the memo and head upstairs. I adjust my seat beside her and place my hands of hers.

"Listen Brittany, my sweet angel. I want you to know that I love you very much. You have a huge space in my big, but very old beating heart. Now, remember the small cabin down in the woods?"

I nod and she reaches for something in her dress pocket. She places keys in the palm of my hand and I look at her in shock. "It's yours. I know how much you love that thing. My savings are now in your account, I know how much you want to go to school and all that stuff." she says with a smile and I giggle.

"I love you, Grandma." I tell her weakly embrace her in a hug. "Why are you doing this?"

"Let's just say that I want someone else to enjoy everything I once had. Don't give up. Make me proud, Brittany." she replies and taps my nose like Santana had done earlier. "Say, who was that young lady that was with you?"

"She's my friend, Santana. I barely know her, but I feel like I've known her for ages. I mean...I just get a funny feeling when I'm with her..." I confess to her and she smiles. A genuine smile, not like the phony ones my parents put on when someone important comes.

"This is one lifelong tip I'm going to tell you Brittany. When someone loves you, embrace it; and love them back."

I nod with a smile.

"Love _stays _in here" she points to my heart. "And starts in here," she tickles my stomach lightly and I laugh. "Not in here." she taps my head and smiles. I understand the meaning behind all her gestures. My parents start walking down the stairs and Artie comes in from the kitchen.

"I'll be leaving now." my grandmother states and gets up from the couch. I look over to my parents and they roll their eyes. They have never liked her for some reason. She's my dad's mom and _he _doesn't even like her.

"Grandma," I say and stop her as she exits our house. "Want to go grab some ice cream?" I ask her. She smiles and nods as I link my arm with hers. My parents don't even acknowledge me; instead, they continue talking to Artie. As we walk over to the plaza by the mall, we talk about her childhood. I help her sit at a table for two while I get us some ice-cream.

"Can I ask you something?" I ask her as I play with the dessert below me.

"Go!" she says happily.

I giggle. "Why don't you and my dad get along? I mean, he's your son..."

"Well sweetie, I was going to tell you when you were old enough, but I guess you are now! As you know, I married your grandpa Wesley when we were young and then we had your father. I love him as much as I did when I was twenty. When we had your father, we didn't have enough money to support him. Your grandpa had to get two jobs while I stayed at home. We rented a small room in a basement that belonged to your grandpa's friend. Sometimes, we didn't have enough money for diapers..." she finishes weakly and a tear streams down her right cheek. "Anyway, as your father grew older, he started noticing the pattern. No money equals no home; and no home equals no job. He'd always tell me to leave your grandpa because he was worthless and lazy, but every time he told me that I gave him an answer he couldn't argue with."

"What answer?" I ask and rest my palm on my cheek.

"I. love. him." she says emphasizing every word in a low tone. I smile and reach for her hand across the table. She squeezes it lightly and smiles back. The love between my grandfather and her was real. You could see it. Like in the romance novels I love so much, a couple is destined to be with each other, but they can't be together. Whether it because of whom they are, what they want, or what other people want. I hope I find love like in the books. It would be amazing.

"He may be gone, but I'll get to see him soon." she whispers and let's go of my hand. My heart stops. What did she mean by that? I shake my head and erase all the negative thoughts from my mind. My grandpa died a while ago, and I was devastated when I lost him. So I cut. It makes sense, I mean; it takes the pain away...temporarily.

After our talk, I walked her home, then headed back to my place. The sun set over an hour ago, so my parents are going to beat me when I get there. Literally. Sometimes, I never want to go home. I'd rather be anywhere else but home. I can't do anything about it though.

What Santana told me today touched me. It made my heart clench with sympathy for her. Maybe she needs someone to vent to. I hope she knows I'm here for her because that's what friends do, right? They tell each other secrets and problems. Well then, I'll be there for her until I can't anymore.


	6. Monday  October 8, 2001

**Warning:** This chapter contains a good amount of violence, abuse, etc. Feel free to continue reading or just stop all together. If you do continue, thank you.

* * *

><p><em>And you'll see me in your dreams<em>

It's been around two weeks since my grandma came over. My parents told me the night before that she passed in her sleep. I really can't believe it. The only human being to make me smile has vanished right before my eyes. The person I looked up too is no longer in my presence. Her heart just stopped beating for me. It gave up. At this point, school is the last place I want to go right now. If I'm going to be bullied I might as well stay at home. My parents are pretty good at that.

I lie in bed, debating whether I should get up or not. If I don't, I won't see Santana. If I do, I will see Santana and maybe she'll make my day a little better. She always does, in some way. So, I get up and change into some jeans and a white v-neck. Amelia offers me food, but I really don't feel like eating. As I walk into the hall, the bell rings and I race to class. People are rushing and shoving to get to class on time, but I'm just taking my sweet time. When I get to my English class, I stop at the entrance and look around. Unfamiliar faces come to my vision, but then _she_ takes over. I see Santana sitting in her usual spot, waiting for me to sit next to her. She smiles at me and I force a smile to my face, and then take my seat beside her.

"You okay?" she asks in worriedly. I nod and look up at the teacher. She doesn't believe me because I can feel her stare at me for a brief moment. All I want to do is go to gym class so I can tire myself out and get my mind somewhere else instead of keeping all my anger inside.

Finally, it came. I go into the lockers and get dressed. Santana finished before me and headed out. I step out into the courts and Santana cups the air with her hand, telling me to join her. The feeling in my stomach tickles my insides. Her hair is in a ponytail and this time she's wearing sweats along with her P.E. shirt. Even in clothes like that she still seems to make me go crazy.

"I don't really know how to play." I state and throw the ball back her way. She giggles and taps her nose, and then taps mine as she makes a basket.

"You don't need to." she breathes out and holds the ball against her hips with one arm. I smile and she tosses the ball my way again.

"I practice here after I walk the dogs in your neighborhood." she informs me and stands behind me. Her arms go over mine and guide me.

"Here, bend your elbow like this." she positions my body towards the white basket. Her warm breath tickles my neck as our bodies radiate heat from each other. My arm bends and the ball makes it into the hoop. I turn and high-five her. Our eyes then lock for moments without either of us noticing.

"Lopez! Pierce! Get goin'!" the gym teacher shouts and our eyes avert to a different direction. I can feel my cheeks blush as I skip to get the ball.

"You're good. I've seen you." I tell her and bounce the ball to her. She giggles and looks to the floor shyly.

"Thanks. I use to play for McKinley, but I kinda stopped after..." she informs me and looks to the floor, not finishing her sentence. I know what she's talking about though. "I've seen you play soccer. You're really good at it." she tells me with a soft smile. I can feel my face turn bright red as I stand a couple of feet away from her. She continues to bounce the ball, then does some trick where she passes it in between her legs. My attraction towards her increases for some reason along with my heart beat as I watch her every move. How can I be so drawn to someone I barely met? Yeah, I don't know either.

"Can you come over today?" I blurt out. My mind never filters what I'm going to say sometimes. She smiles and licks her lips.

"Sure." she answers and bounces the ball my way. I smile and grab it. Then, she steps towards me and tries taking it away, but I hug it into my stomach with both arms so she wouldn't reach it. She starts laughing and tucks her arm under the ball so I could loosen my grip. Her laugh is so...cute. If I could replay it every day for the rest of my life, I probably would.

"C'mon Britt!" she whines playfully. My heart stops at the nickname as I quickly run to the basket to shoot the ball.

"Yeah!" I shout and throw my hands in the air. The rate my heart is going isn't normal for me. Usually, I never get this tired. Maybe it's her. She might be doing this to me. Not that I mind; I kind of like this feeling. It's just that she takes my breath away with every touch, and every glance.

"Bring em' in!" the gym teacher yells and blows his whistle. Santana runs to grab the ball and I wait for her by the locker room door.

"Good game Pierce," she says with a wink and strokes my forearm with her index finger. "Now you can teach me how to handle the ball on the field."

I bite my lip and look to the floor shyly as she walks passed me. She stops at her locker and I stop at mine. From the corner of my eye, I see people staring at me. As I get out of the showers, a girl has her eyes glued to me. She whispers something in her friend's ear and lets out a chuckle. The girl that's whispering things to her friend is the same girl that knocked my notebooks out of my hand weeks ago. She lives off of making people's lives a living hell. As if mine weren't one already.

"What?" I ask her as I rub my wet body with a white towel.

"Excuse me?"

"What are you staring at?"

"Don't worry, I'm straight." she replies, while stepping closer to me. My body fills with rage and I breathe heavily.

"Step off." Santana states and gently pushes her away from me.

"Don't touch me. I don't know if your disease is contagious." the girl retorts and my eyes widen in shock.

"Santana..." I whisper to her because I see her fists clench and unclench with anger.

"She's cute," the girl says with a smirk and glances at me. "Did you turn her too?"

All of a sudden, Santana grabs her by the neck and pushes her up against the wall. My heart stops at the sight of the girls face turning bright red. She tries and tries fighting Santana off, but it doesn't work. At that very moment, I notice that once you piss Santana Lopez off, you can't control her at all.

"Santana stop! She can't breathe, stop!" I yell and try to pull her off, but she doesn't want to. "San seriously! She's turning red, stop!"

Finally, she lets go and the girl breathes in deeply as she struggles for air. Santana and I lock eyes immediately, but she quickly runs passed me to her locker. I walk slowly behind her as she gets dressed. She doesn't look at me. She doesn't even glance at me. I'm in complete shock. All the girls that surrounded us are as well. Some are glaring at me in such a scornful way, I suddenly feel like running away. I'm not welcome here. The girl is still struggling for air as her friends attempt to regulate her breathing. My mind replays what just happened and the last time she attacked someone. Both times she attacked a person, she went for their neck. Strangled them and blocked their airway until she saw them fight, suffer, and beg for oxygen. It seems to relieve her, because afterwards, she's not so angry. Maybe it relates to her brother. I don't know. And I don't want to ask her. Moments later, the bell rings, and when I turn to face her, she quickly walks out. I shrug it off; I'll see her at lunch.

And then, the lunch bell rings for dismissal about an hour later. I see Santana at her locker fixing her books. She turns and our eyes meet. I smile and she smiles back. As I walk to her, she shuts her locker and comes to mine beside me.

"Are you okay?" I ask her in a low tone. She nods and hands me a pink slip. It says: 'DETENTION' in big black letters. At the bottom it has her signature and the reason she got it. I press my lips together and shake my head ashamed.

"Plus five hours of community service!" she says in a happy-sarcastic way.

"This should be mine..." I take the blame because it's true. She wouldn't have to do any of these things if I hadn't instigated something. She giggles and passes her hand through her hair.

"No Brittany, I did something stupid and now I get the consequences." she states and all I do is look to the floor. "Listen, I don't care what people say about me; they just can't say anything about someone I love."

Our eyes meet and we stay motionless for a moment. "Well, um-uh, I mean I love you like a friend. You know 'cause we're friends." she says nervously and rubs the back of her neck. I giggle and bite my lip.

"Yeah, San. I know." I reply. She smiles at the new name I have for her. I came up with it during my history class.

"C'mon, let's go get lunch." I tell her and link my arm with hers. She becomes stiff at first, but then relaxes as she gets use to my touch. It's just...right. Her body with mine. Our skin against each others. Perfect.

Last period of the day. Santana is next to me, like always. I rip off a small scrap from my notebook and write on it.

'you can't come over...huh?'

I fold it and slide it underneath her binder so the teacher won't see. She smiles and grabs it subtly. Her smile immediately fades away as she writes into the paper. I know the answer though. My eyes avert to the teacher, but she taps my elbow lightly and passes me the note again.

'nope, detention ): '

I look at her and force a smile to my face. It wasn't her fault.

The dismissal bell rings and Santana starts gathering her things. I get my stuff and quickly stick them in my backpack before she walks away. She waits for me and smiles. I smile back like a goof ball.

"Is this your first time...?" I ask her while looking to the floor. "Ya' know, getting detention."

She shakes her head and laughs. "Yeah right."

I giggle as I stand in front of my locker and open it. She just stands next to me. Relaxed. Unlike me, I feel like my heart is going to explode.

"Well, uhh...I gotta go to..." she points to the other end of the hall where the detention room is. I smile and nod.

"Kay." I whisper weakly. She bites her lip and smiles.

"Okay." she whispers and walks away. I watch her as she opens the door to the room. Guilt slaps me across the face as I think of her being stuck in an empty class by herself. With a teacher. How awkward. A small smile comes across my face and I quickly shut my locker. I stand in front of the detention room and look into the small window. Santana is sitting in the back of the room, doing her homework. My heart begins to pick up speed as I open the door slowly. There's a chubby teacher resting his feet on the desk while reading a newspaper.

"Take a seat." he states rudely. I look over to Santana and our eyes meet. She smiles and glances at the teacher.

"What are you doing?" she mouths at my direction and I quickly take a seat next to her.

"If you can't come to me, then I'll come to you." I state and lay my backpack on the desk. She twirls her hair with her pen and smiles while biting her lip. My cheeks are burning as I feel them turn red.

"Hey! No talking!" the teacher shouts and focuses on his newspaper again. I giggle and so does Santana. She rips off a scrap of paper from her notebooks and starts writing. I watch her write and as soon as she moves her arm, my eyes land on cursive letters.

'you shouldn't be here'

I grab her pencil, pull the paper towards me, and begin writing.

'neither should you' I write because its true, she _shouldn't_ be here. That chick is the one who started it. She reads it and smiles. God, I feel like I'm floating when I'm with her.

An hour later, the teacher shakes around a square object that looks like a cow bell.

"You two trouble makers can leave." he states and sips his soda. I look over to Santana and we gather our things. We walk out the doors of McKinley and race to the path that leads us to my house.

"Will you get in trouble?" she asks me while catching her breath. I lick my lips and shrug.

"Not really."

You want the truth? Yes. My dad will kill me. I can only imagine the look on his face as soon as I step inside my own house.

"Brittany?"

I look up and blink rapidly, focusing on Santana.

"Oh um, yeah?"

"Are you okay? You don't look good."

"Yeah, yeah." I reply and continue walking. She nods, unconvinced. We make it to my front door and stand there for moments taking in each other's presence. Our eyes lock, but I quickly avert my gaze. She makes me nervous.

"Well, I'll just...go." she tells me and rubs her neck shyly. I nod slightly and she starts slowly walking down the steps, towards the gate.

"Brittany!" I hear my dad shout from behind the door. My heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach. Santana turns around and looks at me confused. I wave at her, then smile and act like everything is okay. But it's not. As soon as I enter the house, I'm done. She finally makes it out of the gate. I can't see her anymore so it's safe to go inside. I'm not ready to tell her about my dad, or my scars, or anything. Well, not yet. My hand twists the door knob slowly and as soon and I push it open, my father is standing a couple of feet away from me with his arms crossed. The way he always does when he's angry. His evil blue eyes are stabbing mine as he stares at me with so much rage. My mother is standing a couple of feet away from him as well.

"Where the hell have you been? It's practically five o' clock! School ends at three!"

"I was doing something at school."

"Don't lie to me, Brittany!" he shouts and steps closer to me with his index finger in the air.

"I'm not." my voice trembles as his body fills with angrier.

"Sean, leave her alone. She was at school." my mother interrupts and tries pulling him away. He smacks her with the back of his hand. Before I was afraid, now I'm angry. My breathing gets heavier as I watch my mother hold her face in pain.

"Don't touch her." I tell him. He chuckles and unbuckles his belt.

"Shut up." he hisses and snaps both ends of the leather material together. I swallow hard. Its coming for me. The pain. The sting. The marks.

"Sean, don't hit her too hard. She goes to school now. She'll send us to jail." my mother reminds him and glares at me. I furrow my eyebrows in shock and breathe out deeply. For a second, I thought she cared. I guess I thought wrong. He grabs my arm and turns me so that my back is facing him. I close my eyes and flex my muscles, so that it won't hurt as bad. He snaps the leather material and breathes in.

First time - I feel the sting of the leather hit my lower back so painfully I fidget in his grip.

Second time - same spot, much harder than the first.

he breathes out deeply and I prepare myself for the most painful one of them all. Tears are streaming down my face and I can see my own mother watch me from the corner of my eye. Obviously, she doesn't care. If she had to choose between my father and me, it'd always be him. Always.

Third time - my lower back aches and I feel a burning sensation as if a piece of metal was put in fire, then placed on my skin.

He turns me around and drops his belt beside him so that he can get a glass of wine. His forehead is sweaty, so he wipes it off with the back of his hand.

"Get up stairs." he demands. I pull my backpack onto my shoulders and my eyes immediately lock with Amelia's. Her eyes. They say she wants to do something. She wants to say something. But she can't say _anything_.

I head to my room and slam the door as I throw my backpack next to my closet. The sound of the belt against my body has taken over my mind. With every murmur and screech happening in my head I begin to lose my mind. I examine the marks left on my lower back on the huge mirror in front of me. They're red, bumpy, and crap they freaking _burn_. My shirt falls back down and I get into bed, trying my best to mange lying on my back. The room is silent, but then I hear my dad shouting from down stairs. More tears stream down my face and drop onto my pillow as I rest my forearm above my head. My wrist. It's tingling. I haven't cut in weeks, but now my grandma is gone and I'm hurting. I was doing so well, I don't want to start again. Sometimes, I just have to. I need it. And right now, I really _need _it. I race to my bathroom and walk quickly to my medicine cabinet. Can you hear? My blade. It's calling my name. I grab it and hold onto it with my index finger and thumb. Sleeve up, breathe in, and slowly press down. Not too deep, but just enough to relieve everything. My eyes drift shut and I feel like I'm floating. Head and back against the door, not caring if the belt marks burn. All my qualms drip to the bathroom floor and relieve my body, my mind, my pain. The cabin in the woods takes over my mind and I inhale deeply. It's so beautiful there. Maybe I'll show Santana someday. Santana. God, I wish she was here. She'd stop me, because God knows _I_ can't even stop myself. She'd runaway with me. To the woods. To the creek. To the sun or the stars if I had to. Wherever I go, I hope she comes with me.

"Brittany, dinner is ready." my father tells me and knocks on the door loudly. I jump at his voice and clean the excess blood on the floor, dab the cut lightly with moist tissue paper, then throw on a hoodie. As I take a seat at the dinner table, Amelia places a plate in front of me. I smile at her and thank her silently. She smiles and gives a plate to my parents. They both begin eating, but all I do is stare down at my food.

"Eat." my father demands and wipes his mouth with a cloth. I don't respond.

"Eat, Brittany." he repeats. My mother glances at me and sips her wine.

"Your grandma's funeral is this weekend. I hope you don't have plans."

The space between us is silent. My heart clenches at the thought of my grandmother in a casket. I don't even want to think about it.

I sigh and look across the table at my father. "How can you eat when your own mother is _dead?_" I say while clenching my teeth. Tears are forming in my eyes and I can see his face fill red with anger. He breathes out deeply and stuffs his mouth with food.

"I'm not hungry." I say and push the plate away. It's true. I'm not hungry. Usually, I do it to piss them off, but this time, I really am not hungry. I haven't been hungry in days. And I don't think I will be for the rest of the week.

I run up to my room and bury my face into my pillow. I feel like I'm about to puke and my eyes feels like they're being stabbed with a rusty knife. Everything hurts. My head. My back. My entire body feels like its being dipped in a pool of acid. There's a monster inside me just waiting to get out. To release itself and take me away. That monster that's making me think bad things. Make it stop. Just make it fucking stop because I can't take it anymore. He's drowning me in a pool of my own worries and problems. I can't swim. I don't want to swim, maybe I'll just drown. It sounds easier. Someone needs to just pull me out and try to bring me back to life. But that's just it. There's no one. I _need_ someone. I need love. I need compassion. I need a body wanting my warmth and the sound of my voice. Does anyone? I cant think of anyone. I'm suffocating. That's how I feel sometimes. Like I'm suffocating. He's choking me and telling me I'm worthless. When I close my eyes, his face appears. His name is Death. Or how I label him, my father.


	7. Tuesday  October 9, 2001

_You don't have to stay_

I wake up for school and do the usual, but before I head to McKinley, I stop by the cabin. By _my_ cabin; I should say. The smell of the leaves and pine trees has always been my favorite thing about this place. I love it here. I'm alone, the creek is close by, and only I know where it is. She, my grandmother, left everything in its place. Pictures of us together, couches, a table, a fireplace. Everything was just so classy. Santana would love it. She likes classy things, just like me. We've only been friends for a couple of weeks, but it feels like it's been years. There are three rooms: one is a guest room, one is my room, and the last one is empty. It could come in handy someday.

After about twenty minutes, I start walking to school. I wish I could stay at my cabin. As much as I love school _and _seeing Santana, I'd rather be there. Maybe even with her by my side.

My locker is feet away from me, but I don't feel like going since there are those jerks that pick on me.

"Hey, lezzie!" a guy shouts and starts to laugh along with his friends. I lower my head, not wanting to make eye contact. As I walk, my eyes land on lavender shoes. I look up instantly and my eyes lock with hazel ones.

"Hey B," Quinn greets me with a smile and puts her arm around my neck while messing up my hair. I giggle. "Where you headed?" she asks and looks down at my books.

"I was uh, going to my locker." I say while scratching my head.

"...but your locker is that way..."

"Yeah, I was just uh..."

She looks over by my locker and notices the people near it. Her lips shape into a small 'o' and she walks me towards it again.

"Listen Brittany, you can't be scared of people at this school. The worst they can do is slushy you." she states and we finally make it by my locker. I can feel the group of jocks and preppy girls glaring my way. Quinn just glares back and they finally give up. "Just fight back, but twice as bad. You're better than them." she finishes and I nod.

"Thanks." I tell her and she pats my back.

"By the way, Santana wanted me to tell you she's doing community service this morning and she'll see you in class."

"Oh yeah. Okay." I respond and wave good-bye. She disappears into the hallway while I continue fixing my books. The bell rings minutes later, and I make my way through everyone in the hall. As soon as I walk into class, my eyes lock with brown ones. Santana. My heart immediately prances around like a child given loads of sugar.

"Hey." she greets me. There is a stack of novels on my desk, but she quickly moves them to her side. I take my seat next to her and set down my backpack.

"Hey." I breathe out with a smile and glance at the books. It feels good to see that someone reads as much as I do. Mrs. Lindroff starts talking and writing on the board, so I quickly take out my notebook and begin writing. I can see Santana from the corner of my eye. She takes out a small, black case and quickly shuts it. When I turn to face her, I see she's wearing glasses. Reading glasses. She noticed I was staring at her and giggles, but still has her gaze locked with the board.

"Do I look that bad?"

"No." I whisper with a soft smile. Our eyes meet for moments, and she smiles back at me. I avert my gaze back to the teacher because I can feel my face turning bright red.

"C-can you come over today?" I ask her nervously. "my parents won't be home, so you don't have to put up with their attitude."

"Sure." she answers and bites her lip. I nod and click my pen timidly. She makes me so nervous for some reason. I have this unbearable attraction towards her. And I don't know why.

The bell rings for next period, so I gather my things. Now I have to wait another hour until I see Santana again.

Luckily, it went by quick. As I walk to the locker room, Santana is barely getting dressed.

"Hey Pierce," she says and opens her locker. "Ready to teach me how to handle the ball on the field?"

I walk by and push her playfully. "You won't be as good as I am, Lopez." I say confidently and she giggles as I begin to change. Her eyes keep glancing at my direction. Then I remember the marks on my lower back. Don't ask, please don't ask. Our eyes meet as I pull down the long shirt. She's doing it again. Staring at me. Reading me. I nudge her shoulder lightly as I pass her.

When we finish, Santana grabs a soccer ball from the teacher and we go to the field. Everyone is at the basketball courts. We're the only ones on the grass. The gym teacher looks like a blue gum ball from where I am. From where_ we_ are. We can still see everyone though. She rolls the ball my way and I stop it with my foot, and then kick it back to her. She begins to dribble it to the goal, but I take it away. A smile comes across her face and she takes it from me. We try and take it from each other for about thirty minutes, then finally give up. I stop, mid-field, and place my hands on my hips.

"I'm done." I say breathlessly. She smirks and struggles for air as well. I look at her for a second and finally catch on. "You lied." I say with a laugh and nudge her playfully.

"What?"

"You do know how to play!" I exclaim and attack her.

"I never said I didn't!" she says while trying to fight my grip. We wrestle on the grass and I end up on top of her. We're breathing heavily and then our eyes lock. Her chest is heaving like mine and I swear it's not because I'm tired. She just takes my breath away. I place my hands on both sides above her shoulder to hold myself up and straddle her hips. Her hand wraps around my forearm and goes down, then stops at my wrist. My heart jumps. I know she can feel my scars. I've always been so protective of my cuts. Never would I let anyone know my secret. But with her it's different. _She's _different. Her eyes melt into my blues ones as we stare at each other adoringly. She's reading me again. They pierce right through me and I feel like she can read me clearly.

"Bring em' in!" I hear the gym teacher shout through a megaphone and blow a whistle. We to look over at everyone else bringing in the balls, then look at each other one last time.

"O-oh, sorry." I say nervously and stand up. She laughs and stands up after me.

"Its cool." she replies and dusts off some dry grass from her shorts. She grabs the soccer ball and holds it to her hips with her arm, then tosses it into a basket with other equipment. We walk to our lockers and a bunch of girls are following us from behind. Santana looks at me and shakes her head in a different direction. The girls are still following. We start walking faster, but they notice and corner us.

"Freaking dykes. Where ya goin'?" she hisses and her friends begin to surround us. It's five against two. It's the same girl Santana choked. I glance at her and her hands are clenched again. I place mine gently on her forearm and tell her to calm down. She seems to, because her fists unclench.

"Back off." I say and stand in front of the girl. Her friends start stepping closer and Santana does the same.

"Do you remember what happen yesterday? Or should I refresh your memory?" Santana asks her coldly and steps beside me. A much chunkier girl steps up and pushes her. Santana fills with rage and pushes her back.

"San, stop!" I shout and she does so. I look into her eyes and shake my head. "Just stop." I whisper.

"We're not done here." she tells the chunky girl and walks in front of me. All the girls giggle and scoff, then sarcastically cry in fear.

"What does that mean?" ask her in despair while walking into the locker room. "Tell me what it means! Santana, promise you won't do anything."

"Brittany, you don't understand." she states seriously and begins to change quickly.

"Santana please-"

"I'll see you later." she stops me from completing my sentence and leaves. I run my hand through my hair in frustration and change.

Lunch finally came and I quickly leave my class to find Santana. I see her at her locker and walk over. She throws me half a smile and continues to load her locker with books.

"Brittany, we need to talk." she says and we start walking to the cafeteria. "I think we should...stop being friends..."

I look at her in shock and shake my head in denial. "W-wait why? Is it because of today? I just-"

"No, no. It's just because...I'm trying to protect you." she explains and looks into my eyes. Her hand grabs onto my wrist and pulls me into a lonely corner. "I don't want you getting hurt. You can't handle it. 'Cause once these girls start, they won't stop."

"No, Santana. I can handle it. I know I can. Remember you said I won't survive at this school, but that's why I had you? Remember you said that? You said that. Please, San..."

"I don't know, Brittany..."

"Please, c'mon..." I beg her and sigh. She presses her lips together and thinks for a moment.

"Fine." she breathes out and runs her hand through her hair. A smile cones across my lips as we continue to walk. After a couple of seconds, it got awkward. Or at least I thought it did.

"Um...can you show me where the library is?" I ask her and fix my backpack onto my shoulders.

"Let's grab lunch first. You look a little pale." she tells me and pinches my cheeks playfully. I giggle and nod.

She grabs a tray for both of us because I told her I wasn't very hungry, and neither was she. We stopped in front of two tall doors that said 'Pull'. Santana opens it for me with a smile, then enters behind me.

"What'd you want to come here for anyway?" she asks me quietly and places the tray on a round table at the very back of the room.

"I've read all the books on my bookshelf at home, so I want to check some out."

She nods, the opens the bottle of apple juice and takes a sip. I smile as she hands it to me so I can drink some. I gulp some down, and then link my right arm with her left.

"I've read all of these." I say to myself as I point to each book on the fiction side of the shelf.

"You've read all those books?"

"Yeah." I respond and pull one from the shelf, look at it, then put it back. She bends down, gets a book, and sits against the bookshelf. Her hand taps the space next to her, telling me to sit beside her. My body feels paralyzed as I watch her scan through the pages of the novel. How does someone look so amazing while looking at a book? I don't know, but she seems to. My eyes land on her glasses, then to her lips, then down her chest. She looks at me and I smile nervously.

Nice, Brittany. Make it more obvious.

Her knee gently comes in contact with mine as she adjusts her position closer to me. I don't know why, but I want her closer. Way closer. My hands start to shake as I think of what I'm about to do.

"I want to show you something today. Are you free?"

"After community service I am."

"When do you finish?"

She narrows her eyes and thinks for a second. "I get done at four and walk the dogs at five...so around five thirty."

"Okay, just uh...go around my house and you'll see my balcony. I'll tell Jeffrey to let you in." I tell her and she nods.

"Okay." she replies with a chuckle. Our eyes melt into each other's with every second of every minute. That look she gives me makes me feel like I matter. Like I went from nothing, to something.

Fast forward about two hours or so, and it's exactly 5:29. I hear a -clack- on my window and walk outside to my balcony. Santana is waving her arms in the air from below me. I throw the rope with all my scarfs that I made the day I ran away and start climbing down. She opens her mouth to talk, but I press my finger on my lips and tell her to keep quiet.

"Are you crazy, Brittany? You're going to-" she lectures me quietly, but I cover her mouth before she even finishes the sentence.

"Let's go." I whisper and grab her wrist, leading her out. We walk into the woods and finally make it to my cabin.

"This is yours?" she asks with wide eyes.

"Yeah, it was my grandma's, but she passed away...and now it's mine." I respond and look around like it's my first time. She looks at all the pictures and items as I sit on the couch. She spots a Polaroid camera on the coffee table and looks at it momentarily. I get up, grab it and snap a picture of the room. It prints out from the bottom and I hand to her.

"That's awesome." she says fascinated and holds the object in her hands.

"I like using it a lot."

"You like photography?"

I shrug. "Yeah, I guess you can call it photography."

She smiles and puts the camera down.

"This is amazing." she whispers and slides her fingers across the mahogany table. I grab her wrist once more and take her to the empty room. Her eyes widen in awe as she scans the space before her.

"Maybe you could paint in here sometime..." I inform her and she shakes her head rapidly.

"No, no, no, Britt. The paint would ruin everything."

"We'll put a bed sheet over the floor." I say and lean against the door frame. She still wasn't convinced. "...maybe you could paint a portrait of me sometime.."

She smiles and turns to face me. "Yeah, good idea." she whispers weakly and puts her hands in her back pockets.

"C'mon." I say and grab her hand. My heart flutters because I feel her grip tighten. I take her to the creek and we sit where I usually sit when I see her walking dogs.

"Look familiar?"

She laughs and looks across the creek. Her lips start to quiver as the breeze hits us both. I take off my jacket and place it on her. But I forgot something; my cuts. I turn my wrist so that its facing the ground and look away. They're visible and I know she probably saw them.

"Why do you come here, Brittany?" she asks and looks into my eyes. They look so sincere, I can't avert my gaze. The wind makes her hair flow beautifully and her eyes just take my breath away. I breathe in deeply and bite my lip. Honesty is what keeps together a friendship.

"So I won't..." I whisper, not finishing my sentence and look down at my wrist. She reaches for it gently and turns it so that they're visible again. The somber expression upon her face suffocates me and doesn't let me breathe.

"Why do you do this?"

"You don't understand." I reply. She shakes her head and I see tears forming in her eyes. She pulls up her sleeve and licks her thumb, then rubs her wrist. Guess what appears? Scars. I look at her with such a hurt expression, I can't handle it.

"_Now _tell me I don't understand." she states weakly and lets a tear stream down her cheek. I want to tell her. I really do, but I have no idea where to start.

"My grandparents died, my dad beats me, my mom doesn't care about me, everyone at school picks on me, and I cut. Ever since my dad gained all this money, I've been miserable. I have no one to talk to and my self esteem can't be any lower than it is right now. I'm a huge mess. When I see my reflection, I look away as if it were a monster. My dad forces me to be with someone I don't even like and he treats everyone like complete shit. I just want someone to love me...like in those romance novels. Why do authors do that? They bring your hopes up by writing a perfect love story, then reality slaps you in the face." I let out a small giggle as a tear falls from my cheek. "I just don't know how to deal with pain." I finish and hug my knees to my chest. She grabs my hand and holds it tightly.

"Don't worry. I'll teach you." she states in a whisper and breathes in deeply. I look down at her scars, then back at the creek. "My brother, Santiago, came out when we were freshmen. When I found out he was bullied by the kids at McKinley, it was too late. The police found a hidden journal in the back of his locker at school. I opened it and the date went back all the way to the first week of school." she pauses and wipes the tears from her face. "He told me he wanted to stay home 'cause he felt sick." she sobs and inhales deeply. "I could have done something! I could have stopped him!"

I scoot closer to her and bring her head into my chest as she continues to sob. My heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach as I think of her brother. How could this world be so cruel? After a couple of moments, she starts to calm down. She inhales, then exhales.

"I came out to my parents last year. My sophomore year. They kicked me out and now I live with my aunt and her five kids. We live in the old, beat up apartments by the mini-mart. My two jobs help my aunt with the rent. I stopped cutting because I know my brother would hate it if i continued. So that's why I paint and read...it takes me somewhere else. Kind of like how you come here." she finishes weakly and stares at the creek as the water flows slowly down the current. My attraction towards her increases as I watch her. She looks so vulnerable, so weak and so lonely. I realize that there are other people in this world that have it worse than I do. She faces me and I smile weakly.

"You're brave, San. Really brave." I tell her and rest my head on her shoulder as the sky starts turning a purple-ish blue. I can hear her heart pounding over the crickets and moving leaves as the wind blows. It makes me smile. _She_ makes me smile.

After a couple more minutes, I decide to head back home. She gets up first and then holds out her hand so she could help me up. Jeffrey opens the gate and let's me in.

"Are my parents home?" I ask in a low tone.

"Not yet, Ms. Brittany." he replies with a smile.

"_Brittany_, Jeffrey." I tell him with a smile. He chuckles and I start walking to my balcony. When I stop below it, there's a long ladder that leads up to my room. I get closer and see that it says Jeffrey on the side with permanent marker and smile. He's always helping me out.

"Britt, go carefully please." Santana whispers and gets a hold of my forearm. I smile and wrap my arms around her neck for a hug.

"I will, San." I tell her. She stiffens at my touch, but slowly begins to unfold and wraps her arms around my waist.

"Okay." she mumbles into my shoulder and breathes in my scent. I breathe her in and she smells like-like...strawberries. We separate and I smile at her one last time, then start going up the ladder. When I make it to my balcony, I look down at her and giggle.

"See you..." she whispers and starts walking backwards towards the gate.

"Later." I finish and watch her walk away. My stomach starts to turn as I lie in bed, looking at the ceiling. That girl is my savior. When I'm with her, I don't even think about cutting at all. The feeling of emptiness in my stomach is soon filled with so much affection I can barely contain myself. I don't know what this feeling means, but I hope it doesn't go away. Maybe it's meant to feel this way, I really don't know...


	8. Friday  October 12, 2001

_Being alone isn't as bad as it seems_

I'm rushing to get books out of my locker because class starts in three minutes. They all start falling out as I try and push them back in. Then I hear footsteps. I turn and look at the only person in the hall, besides myself, and it's Santana. She's limping and holding her stomach in pain. I race to her side, dropping all my books while doing so.

"Santana, what happened?" I ask worried and she looks up at me.

"Britt..." she says breathlessly and falls into my arms. Her lip is split and her eye is purple. She's hurt and wincing in pain with every moment that passes by.

_We're not done here_

"Santana, wake up." I say and shake her gently. "Help! Someone help, please!" I shout into the hallway. A teacher storms out, and takes her to the nurse's office. I follow him because she needs me and I won't leave her side until I know she's okay.

About an hour later, I'm still with her. She's lying in a bed and I'm sitting beside her waiting for her to wake up. Finally, she does. Her eyes are red and her face is pale. Seeing her hurt just fills my body with rage.

"Holy crap." she states and winces in pain as she holds her stomach. Our eyes lock and I sigh.

"Why did you do that, Santana?"

"What are you-"

"I know what happened. Why didn't you just leave it alone and swallow your pride? None-"

"Swallow my pride?" she asks and sits up. "After what these people did to my brother, you expect me to swallow my pride? I can't, Brittany. I have to take care of myself, because if I don't who will?"

A pang of guilt slaps me across the face. I lace my fingers with hers and look into her eyes. "I will." I reply weakly and a short breathe escapes her mouth.

She lowers her gaze to the floor. "I don't want to be here anymore. I'm done, Brittany." she says with a shaky voice. "I'm so freaking done."

I shake my head in denial and stand up. My backpack slams to the floor and I feel like everything is going too fast; I can't keep up. I'm finally starting to realize my feelings for her and she just wants to go away? Vanish into thin air without even acknowledging my existence?

"No, Santana! No. Okay? You're not done. I've been telling myself that for the past week and it gets me nowhere. Why? Because every time I feel like giving up, you pop into my head and make me want to stay. _You_ are the reason I'm still here. So please, just don't leave me.." I beg her and a tear streams down my face. Her eyes begin to water and I know my words hit her hard. I know it sounds crazy for me to think of ending my life, but sometimes, I just don't want to be here. My parents don't find any interest in me whatsoever. Santana has been the only one to ever make me feel like I matter. I feel like I have a purpose when I'm with her. She understands my flaws and weaknesses without criticizing me. She's the first person to actually notice how much I'm dying inside.

"I won't leave Britt, but can you promise me something?" she asks and pulls me closer to her. Her hand reaches for my right wrist and turns it so that my scars are visible. I nod and she strokes my cuts gently with her thumb.

"Stop hurting yourself."

"I-I can't, San."

"Try," she says weakly and a tear streams down her cheek. "_Promise _me you'll try..."

I breathe in deeply and bite my lip, contemplating what I'm about to do. Make a promise and keep it, or make a promise and break it. I'll dot it. Just for her. "I promise." I respond and sit down next to her again. The nurse comes in and hands Santana a pack of ice, but the pain in her stomach prevents her from reaching too far. So I grab it from the nurse and place it gently on her cheek, a little beside her eye. I get closer to her so that I won't press too hard and hurt her. Our faces are centimeters away from each other's and I can hear her breathing getting heavier along with mine. Her lip is swollen and her eye is purple, but I swear she looks so captivating. I stroke my thumb across her bottom chapped lip and stop before it reaches her open wound. My eyes start to wonder around the room and land on some healing ointment. I grab a small pack and squirt some on my index finger, then make my way to her again. I gently rub it on the left side of her lip and stare into her eyes.

"Hello ladies," the nurse comes in again and goes to her clipboard. Santana looks down shyly and I look up at the nurse. She hands Santana a bottle of water and furrows her eyebrows. "You want to tell me how you got those injuries, dear?"

"Just softball practice." she responds and glances at me.

"It doesn't look like a very soft ball." the nurse jokes with a giggle. I smile and I can see Santana's face grow red. The bell rings, but I don't know what period I'm supposed to go to.

"Not that I don't like your friend or anything sweetie, but you need rest and she needs to get to class. You'll see her pretty face later."

I bite my lip so I won't smile like a goof-ball. I'll see you later." I tell Santana. She nods and I can feel the nurse looking at me. My heart beats faster and I start walking.

"Wait," I stop by the door and face the nurse. "what period am I going to?"

She giggles and looks at the time. "fourth period."

"Okay." I say under my breath and glance at Santana one more time. As I walk to the locker room, I hear giggles and whispers from behind me. Here we go again. I open my locker and start to change, then walk out to the roll call numbers.

"Hey blondie," one of the girls that cornered Santana and I last time calls for me and pushes me up against the brick wall outside the locker room. "Where's your friend?"

"Where are yours?"

She scoffs and leans in closer to my face as if she were about to kiss me. A smirk comes across her face as I breathe heavily in anger. "You lesbo." she states and starts walking backwards towards her friends. I clench my teeth and walk over to the gym equipment. The teacher hands me a basket ball and I begin to dribble it to the court. Just focus on this. Dribble, dribble, shoot.

"Nice shot." I hear someone say from behind me and I turn around.

"San, what are doing here? You need to rest. Go back-"

"Chill out, Britt." she says and takes the basket ball from my hands. "I was bored...a-and I missed you." her head lowers in shyness and I smile.

"Come over today." I blurt out.

"Okay."

"I mean, if you want. I don't want-"

"I want to." she replies and bounces the ball to me. I smile and we start playing a one-on-one game until the teacher calls us for the equipment. Santana walks me halfway to the locker room, but suddenly grabs her stomach, wincing in pain.

"Crap." she breathes out. "I think I'll go back to the nurse."

"Good idea. I'll pick you up there after school..." I state and look to the floor. She nods and walks towards the nurse's office. After a quick shower, I start changing.

"Hey Barbie," the girl from earlier comes from behind me and slams my locker shut. "Having fun with Pocahontas?"

"Get a grip Pinocchio," I say and push her. "Your nose is in my business again."

She clenches her teeth in anger and opens her mouth to say something, but-

"Lindsay," a coach with short blonde hair calls her name. "Don't start trouble."

She glares at me and I chuckle.

"Bye Lindsay." I wave goodbye to her sarcastically as she walks away. It felt good to stand up to her. Finally, after weeks of putting up with her crap, she sees what it feels like to be bullied.

I finish changing, and then head out to the cafeteria. As I walk, Rachel is walking towards me.

"Hey Brittany!" she says happily and links her arm with mine. "I heard about Santana. I didn't know she played softball!"

"Yeah, me either." I reply and look to the floor. Now we're at the lunch line. She grabs two trays, one for me and one for her.

"Okay Brittany," she says and takes a seat next to Quinn. "Spill."

"Santana should be the one to tell you, not me."

Quinn's eyes widen and she glances at Rachel. "I'm going to go check on Santana." she tells us and gets up. "I'll see you later." she kisses Rachel's cheek and walks away.

"What the-Quinn!" Rachel shouts and watches her walk out the cafeteria doors. She huffs and throws a carrot into her soup. It splashes all over her face and I giggle. A smile comes across her face and I give her a napkin.

"Quinn told me about the jerks that pick on you..." she begins and wipes her face with the paper towel. "I know what it's like. I hated this town, this school, and these people. At one point, I didn't even want to walk on this planet. One day, I was crying in the girl's bathroom because I was slushied for the sixth time in one day. Quinn came in and saved me. She looked so bubbly and happy, but once she opened up to me, I knew I was hurting just as much as her..." she sighs and I can see tears ready to fall from her eyes.

"I don't know if I can handle anymore of this."

"You can, Brittany." she tells me and places her hand on mine. "I know you can."

Tears are in my eyes, but I quickly blink them away. "I hope so."

Hours later, the dismissal bell rings. I walk over to the nurses office to pick up Santana. She's reading a book. I slowly make my way to her and sit on the corner of the bed. Our eyes lock immediately and I swear you can hear my heart beat from a billion miles away. She reaches to take off her glasses, but I stop her in her path.

"Don't take them off. You look pretty with them on." I say and push her hand away gently. She lowers her gaze as her cheeks turn slightly pink. I lower my head so that our eyes meet again. "Beautiful actually..." I say weakly and she smiles.

"Well uh, ready?"

She nods and grabs her backpack. We walk on the path that leads to my house, but decide to go to my cabin instead. I unlock the door and she slowly walks inside.

"I like this." she whispers as she lies down on the couch, looking up at the ceiling and resting her hands on her stomach. My eyes can't unlock their gaze from her direction as I sit at a small desk by the fireplace. All of a sudden, she grabs her backpack and takes out a long, rectangular notebook with thick blank pages.

"Can I sketch you?" she asks and plays with the pencil in her hand. I nod. "Stay like that." she says and grabs a chair, pulling it further away from me.

"I'm going to teach you how to deal with pain." she states and starts stroking her pencil against the white page. "Close your eyes. What do you hear?"

I shrug. "Nothing."

"Listen harder."

"Mm, I hear your pencil."

"What else?"

I breathe out and sit up straight. "The wind blowing against the leaves. The water current streaming down the creek. The clock ticking..."

I pause for a moment and continue listening. "Your breathing. Your heartbeat. And the sound of your tongue when you lick your lips."

I open my eyes. She's walking to me and I quickly begin to hyperventilate. Her body is in front of me as I sit motionless below her. I look down, but she reaches for my chin and tilts my head back up so that I'm staring into her eyes. Piercing brown eyes that never fail to capture my attention.

"I can read you, Brittany. Every single part of you." she whispers and I can see she's trying to fight back tears.

"What do you see?" I ask weakly. She breathes out and kneels down so that we're at the same eye level.

"I see a girl trying to keep a good impression. She's hurt. She stays silent, but her eyes scream for attention. They seek laughter, and beg for love; while her heart stays completely broken and bleeds from the inside of her chest. Externally, she's fine. Perfect smile. Perfect hair." she tucks my bangs away from my face and exhales. "Perfect everything. Internally, it's a different story. She lies to her friends; to _herself_ just to cover her scars and bruises. All she wants is someone to notice how much she's hurting. Someone to look in her eyes and tell her that everything will be okay. And it will be."

A tear streams down my face and she immediately wipes it away. Her touch sends electrifying shocks down my spine. In a good way though. The things she does always have good intentions. How does she do it? She reads me like a book. It's weird because no one has ever taken the time to actually look into my eyes and figure out what they're saying. The very moment those words escaped her lips, my feelings for her grew. I've never felt this way for anyone. I've never wanted to hang on to someone as much as I want to hang on to her. I look behind her and my eyes land on a picture. My grandma and I at the zoo. I've lost both my grandparents and now I'm left alone. She turns around to see what I'm staring at and presses her lips together.

"Her funeral is tomorrow." I begin to sob and she brings me closer to her. My head rests on her chest as she gently strokes my hair. "I have no one. They left me here with people that don't even like me. Every time I wake up, I forget that they're not here and I don't want to even be on this freaking planet anymore."

"Brittany, don't ever say that. You can't leave. Remember what you told me this morning when I said something like that? I need _you _here, so don't leave." she says uneasily and breathes in deeply. "Listen," we separate and now she's staring into my eyes. Her thumb wipes away the tear about to fall off my cheek. I lower my head again and stare at the floor. "I know what it's like to be left alone. They say they'll never leave you and end up doing exactly that. Then, you're left without anyone to guide you. You think you don't have anyone right now, but look right in front of you..."

I look up at her and she smiles weakly. Her palm cups my cheek and her touch stimulates the rhythm of my heart. "You have me." she whispers. I lean in closer to her face because I swear I could hear her heart calling my name; her lips begging for mine; and her skin wanting my warmth. All of a sudden, we hear thunder roar from the outside and we quickly jump back. I didn't even notice it was raining. She giggles and I can see her face turn bright red. I rub the back of my neck embarrassed and look at the clock.

"It's getting late." I say while wiping the excess tears from my face, and then grab her stuff along with mine. As soon as we walk out, it's pouring. We start laughing hysterically and run to my front porch. Jeffery said my parents weren't home yet, so I brought Santana inside so she could dry up.

"Amelia?" I call for her and she walks out of the kitchen cleaning her hands with a white cloth.

"You girls are all wet!" she says worried and I giggle.

"It's okay. We're fine. Santana is here..."

She smiles and shakes her hand happily. "Tienen hambre?"

I look at Santana and scrunch my nose confused.

"Yo no, gracias." Santana says with a smile and looks back at me. "She asked if we were hungry. I said I didn't want anything."

"Ohhh." I reply finally understanding. She giggles and I grab her hand to take her up to my room. Her body begins to shiver as she sits on my bed. I get some pjs from my drawer and hand them to her.

"Hurry and change. You're going to get sick."

She smiles and starts changing. Her wet clothes slowly start coming off and I'm watching her from across my room. The water droplets drip down her stomach and I start breathing rapidly again. Her wet hair and glossy lips are just making everything worse. Worse for _me_. She finishes changing and I take the wet clothes from her hands and put them in the dirty hamper.

"Aren't you going to change?" she asks me as she does her hair in a side braid.

"Oh, y-yeah, yeah." I stutter, then get my pjs and start taking off my shirt. She's staring in a different direction, but keeps glancing my way. I slip on my sweats and start taking off my necklace, but my hands are too cold to grasp the end of it.

"Here, I'll help you." Santana comes from behind me and moves my wet hair to the side. Her hands are warm now; they send shock waves that ignite my body with a single stroke.

"Done." she whispers and I slowly turn around her face her. She smiles and places the necklace in the palm of my hand.

"Thanks." I say with a smile and put it on the dresser beside my door. She lies down on the right side of my bed and I take the left. I'm facing the ceiling and she's facing me with both hands beneath her right cheek. She's doing it again; reading me. I turn to face her and our eyes lock. Our hearts beat at the same time. Simultaneously. And we become one. Her dark brown eyes pierce through me and capture my soul. For the first time, I know what it feels like to matter to someone; to look at someone and know that they need you. It's okay, because I need her too. More than she knows. Her hand comes up from under her cheek and pulls my moist hair behind my ear.

"You have no idea what you do to me when I look at you." she whispers and I sigh at her touch.

"You're beautiful, Brittany. I'll never understand why anyone would want to leave your side." her voice is so sincere and so calm, my heart can barely take it. I'm not use to people saying those things to me. Especially someone like Santana. Supposedly, she's the biggest bitch at McKinley, I guess it's different with me.

"Really?"

"You don't believe me?"

I shrug. "No one has ever said that to me except for Amelia. I don't believe her though." I say and sit up. "but for some reason, I believe you."

She smiles and sits up along with me. Her hand interlocks with mine and I can hear my heart pumping ferociously. Our eyes meet and her head leans in slightly towards mine. I know what she's doing, I just don't know if I should stop or continue along with her. Faces inches away from one another's, but all of a sudden-

"You can never let me handle my crap!" my father shouts and the front door slams.

"It's not my fault you don't do anything right!"

My eyes widen and Santana looks confused. "What?" she asks.

I swallow hard and stop to listen. "My parents." I reply and go into panic mode. She jumps off my bed immediately and grabs her things.

"Your clothes..." she tells me as I lead her out to the balcony.

"Keep them." I say with a shaky smile and she nods. It's not raining anymore, but I give her an extra jacket anyway. She's climbing down the ladder as I watch her from above.

"Bye, be careful." I whisper to her.

"Kay." she replies with a small smile and runs out the gate quickly. My heart starts beating normally again and I walk back into my bedroom. I don't mind ME getting punished by my parents if she was here, but I would never forgive myself if they ever lay a hand on her. They would because they're kind of careless like that. Anyway, now I'm lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling. I can still feel her warmth on the side she was on just moments ago. My thoughts replay our moments together, and my memories with my grandparents. I'll miss them and if Santana leaves, I'll have no choice but to join them.


	9. Saturday  October 13, 2001

I like being alone

It's 4:59 am and I can't sleep. Well, I did fall asleep, but I had a bad dream and woke up. This happens a lot. About every month or so, I have a nightmare that consists of my father beating me. It starts with him standing in front of me and me, being about seven or eight years old, huddled in a corner trying to escape him. It never ends up working though. These dreams—or nightmares—are kind of like flashbacks from when I was younger. He'd only beat me so badly because I couldn't protect myself. But now, I know how to dial 911; yet, I never end up doing it.

Today is my grandma's funeral and I'm hoping I don't fall apart. I need sleep. My body switches positions so that I'm facing my door, but it doesn't work. Then, I lie flat on my back and face the ceiling; it doesn't work. I turn to position myself the way I was when Santana was here. Towards the balcony; and I imagine her lying down with me. She's here, I see her. My hand goes in to touch her face, but she fades away. Everyone does. They _always _fade away.

"Santana, don't." I say weakly as the air sweeps her away. My heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach and I realize it's just my mind tricking me.

Inhale and exhale, Brittany.

My head starts pounding as I face the ceiling again, while resting my right wrist on my forehead. My scars are burning and I feel like I'm drowning once more. I get up and race to my medicine cabinet. My hand slowly reaches to open it and I see the sharp metal on the middle shelf. I grab it and stare at it longingly.

_Promise me you'll try_

Her voice; it takes over my ears. Suddenly, the blade acts like a bar of soap and slips out of my hand. Now it's on the floor. I swallow hard and breathe in deeply. I want it. I crave it. I need it. But Santana...she needs me too. I grab the blade, wrap it in toilet paper, and race to my balcony.

I don't need it.

My heart is beating faster than normal as I lean against the rail of my balcony. If I throw it, it's gone. No blade, no voices, and no pressure. I look at it once more and throw it into the bushes. It's gone and I don't want it back. The thing is; what will happen when I finally explode?

I walk back into my bedroom and lie down flat on my back. My eyes close; inhale and exhale.

_What do you hear?_

I pretend she's here with me, in my room. "My clock ticking. My heart beat. Water dripping from the gutter and leaves being blown by the wind..." I whisper. My body relaxes and I open my eyes slowly. I look at my clock: 5:37 am. My head hurts, so I try going back to sleep, but I can't. I walk to my bathroom and look at my reflection. Pale face, bloodshot eyes, and messed up hair. I brush my teeth, and then start undressing to take a hot shower. The warm steam relaxes my muscles and moisturizes my skin. Slow and steady, I begin to walk into the burning water. It feels like small pieces of volcano debris are landing on my back. Breathe in, breathe out and relax.

After my shower, I sit on my bedroom floor and pull out a box of books from under my bed. _The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, Gone with the Wind, A Child Called 'It', The Notebook, Romeo and Juliet_, and so many more. But my favorite out of all of them is _Catcher and the Rye_. I've always loved that book. I wish I could run away like the character did, but that's all I'm going to say. I don't want to spoil it.

Moments later, there's a knock on my door. I look at the clock: 5:57 am. I place the box on my bed and get up to answer it.

"Hola Mi niña," Amelia comes in with a tray of food and sets it on my dresser. "I brought you food since I heard you wake up. Its toast and some tea. Please eat Ms. Brittany, you look so pale." she informs me and cups my cheek with the palm of her hand. I force a small smile to my face and nod.

"I will Amelia, gracias." I reply and she giggles at my Spanish.

"Eres tan hermosa." she tells me and starts walking out quietly. I smile, I don't know what it means, but I'll find out. She closes my door and I drink some of the tea she left for me. My eyes land on the box of books on my bed. Maybe Santana would want to read some. I'm starting to get sleepy, so I walk over to my bed and lie down and drift off to sleep.

-knock-knock-

I jerk up from bed and glance at the clock. 8:29 am.

"Brittany! Get up! We're leaving in twenty minutes." my father informs me and I sigh in frustration. I get up and walk over to my closet. My hand reaches for a white button up shirt, black jacket and some black skinny jeans. I change and brush my hair into a side braid, then slip on my black flats. My eyes land on Santana's clean clothes that Amelia washed and placed on top of my dresser. Her big jacket that says WMHS Basket-ball is more noticeable than anything. I smile weakly and stroke the big red and black letters softly. It says 'Santana' above the left breast area and on the back it says 'Lopez'. My heart flutters at the sight of her name and suddenly, I don't feel so alone.

"Brittany we're leaving." my mother says from the other side of the door. I sigh and prepare myself for this event. Something I may never forget. Sometimes, my grandmother's voice replays in my head: **Don't give up. Make me proud, Brittany.**

Tears are forming in my eyes, but I blink them away as I walk down stairs. My father grabs his coat while holding an umbrella. I put on my hood and head for the BMW behind them.

We make it to the cemetery and I see a handful of my grandmother's friends. Crying, mourning and praying for her return. If only they knew they're just wasting their time. I would know. My parents exit the car and my eyes land on a black Cadillac hearse. About four men take out the casket and place it under a navy blue tent because it's drizzling now. An older man starts talking, but I'm not really paying any attention. Artie and his parents show up and stand beside mine. I look at them confused and breathe out angrily.

"What are they doing here?" I ask my father while clenching my teeth. They shouldn't be here. _None _of them should be here.

"I invited them."

"They have _no _reason to be here. What are you going to do? Set up a freaking picnic and talk crap like you always do? This isn't a tea party or a freaking community gathering. This is your own flesh being buried before you. Have some decency."

"I-I want to change, Brittany."

"She's _dead _now. You should have done that when she was alive." I retort and a tear streams down my face. His eyes fill with anger and now I know I hit him right where it hurts the most. He'll never change. Believe me, he won't. He says that every couple of years; just to start fresh again. It's like a cycle with him. What he does is so predictable. My mother glares at me and I focus on my grandmother again. The light grey casket starts to lower into the ground below me. Tears are streaming down my face as I watch her being ripped right away from me.

"I know this is going to sound really selfish," I whisper weakly and kneel on the wet grass as she continues to go lower. "but why'd you leave me?"

The Gardenia I was holding onto slowly drops and lands on the very top. A tear rolls down my cheek and lands on the dirt the men are shoveling above the casket. I feel a warm hand on my shoulder, but when I turn to see there's no one there. Then I realize she'll always be with me. No matter what. The cool breeze sends shivers down my spine. My father is standing under an umbrella with my mother and god; I wish it was pouring right now. That way they wouldn't have the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

About an hour later, we head home. My father orders Amelia to make something to eat as I start walking for my room. Suddenly, he grabs my arm and throws me to the floor. I land on my knees and he lets out a chuckle.

"That stunt you pulled wasn't very smart." he says angrily and I start crawling backwards towards the stairs.

"Oh no, no." he grabs me by my jacket and sits me down on the stairs in front of him.

Smack.

Right across my face. The taste of blood takes over my mouth and I bite my tongue to hold back tears.

Smack.

This time on the opposite cheek. The left part of my lip stings and when I touch it gently, I see blood. My mother is watching me from afar and what does she do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He grabs my arm again and brings my ear inches away from his lips.

"Never disrespect me ever again." he hisses and pushes me to the stairs again. My lips quiver and my hands start to shake. They can't see me cry. I won't let them. He heads over to the liquor cabinet and grabs a bottle of wine. I shake my head ashamed and run up to my room. I flop face down into my pillow and groan loudly. After a couple of minutes, I hear a -clack- sound on the sliding door to my balcony. Santana is waving from the ground with a huge smile. My heart stops and I immediately start to panic.

"Santana, what are you doing here?" I ask as she climbs up the ladder and steps beside me. She's struggling for air while I shiver in my spot.

"You said your grandmother's funeral was today, so I wanted to see how you were doing."

My face begins to flush red, I can feel it. She smiles and opens her mouth to speak, but I lean in to hug her. My arms wrap around her neck and I rest my head on her shoulder. Her arms wrap around my waist tightly and I feel so at ease. Finally, the warmth I've longed for since...forever. I knew what she was going to bring up; my split lip. This will distract her for now.

"Thank you." I whisper and she buries her face into the crook of my neck, breathing in my scent. She doesn't respond, instead she just holds me tighter. I need this. I've always needed this. We separate and I take her inside to my room.

"How could you walk dogs in this weather?" I ask and hand her the clothes she left behind yesterday. Her eyes keep glances at my lip, so I try not to face her as much. She puts her hands in her pocket and sighs.

"Well uhh, I wasn't." she confesses and averts her eyes to the floor. My eyes narrow in a confused expression and she giggles while lying down on the right side of my bed.

"Quinn came in to talk to me yesterday during lunch. Did I tell you?"

"No."

"She was almost as mad as you." she replies and places her hands on her stomach.

"What'd you guys talk about?"

She shrugs. "Just about what happened."

I nod a little unconvinced and sigh.

"Did you know cats sleep 16 to 18 hours per day?" she asks randomly and I begin to laugh loudly.

"Where'd you get that from?" I question and lie down next to her while holding my stomach from laughing so much. She giggles and sits up facing me.

"I just wanted you to smile." she states and pinches my cheek lightly. Her smile quickly fades away, as does mine. "Britt, what happen to your lip?" she asks and strokes under it gently, like I had done to hers yesterday. I don't respond. I stay silent. Motionless. She'll catch on.

"He did this to you, didn't he?" she asks softly, but I still don't respond. She sighs and shakes her head ashamed.

"Get the hell out!" my father shouts suddenly and I hear glass break. Santana's eyes widen and I stay still, looking up at the ceiling.

"Don't worry; they do that all the time." I say, but don't make eye contact with her.

"We need do something. You shouldn't live here anymore. It's too dangerous." she tells me worriedly. "Why do you stay here, Britt?"

"Why don't I leave?" I reply and sit up. Our eyes lock. She must have caught what I meant by that. _Her_. That's why I don't leave. Her eyes fill with tears, but she blinks them away quickly. A smile comes across her face and my heart starts pounding uncontrollably.

"Do you have a screw driver?" she asks out of nowhere. I narrow my eyes and go into the last drawer in my dresser.

"Why do you need this?"

"C'mon." she says and we start going down the ladder out of my balcony. Then, she leads me out and we head for the woods; to my cabin. Weird thing is, we keep walking and she stops by the creek. Her eyes land on a tall, stiff, worn out tree. She starts engraving words forcefully. A huge smile comes across her face and she moves herself so I can see what she did. My eyes meet with 'B&S' with a heart around it and below, it says 'Stay strong'.

"This tree represents you and I. _Us_. We're weak, we're drained and so beat up, but we're still standing." she states and pats the tree next to her. "Just like old Oaky here."

The feeling in my stomach starts increasing as I stare at her. I race to my cabin, get my camera and snap a picture of the tree. She laughs and steps closer to me. My hands begin to shake as I grip my camera because of how nervous she makes me.

"Can I ask you something?"

She nods; a soft nod that assures me I'm safe to continue.

"What does 'eres tan hermosa' mean?"

She giggles. "It means: you're beautiful."

I nod and lick my lips, then wince a little because of my small bruise. Our hands intertwine and I snap a picture of my right hand with her left. "Eres tan hermosa, San." I tell her and she laughs. My Spanish isn't the greatest, but I manage.

"So are you, Britt." she whispers and twirls my hair with her index finger. A short breath escapes my lips as I absorb her beauty before me. The photos I took earlier finally dry, so I stick them in my back pocket. We stay motionless staring at each other, then realize it's starting to drizzle. She hugs me under her arms and I hug my camera. We run to the right side, a little behind my house, and stand for a moment. The drizzling stopped, so it's okay for now. Even if it were raining, I'd still stand beside her. She pushes me lightly to go up and I do so, but she doesn't come behind me.

"You can't stay?" I ask hopefully from above her and she shakes her head.

"I work at the mini-mart today till ten."

I frown and she giggles. "I gotta make money, sweetie." she says and bites her lip.

"You can work for me." I tease and she raises her eyebrows with a grin.

"When do I start?"

I laugh. My heart begins to flutter at the sight of her smirk. She's so cute. So spontaneous and just so...addicting. It's hard to see her leave. I grab her clothes that she left here yesterday and throw them down to her.

"Thanks." she says and starts walking backwards. "Bye, Britt." she whispers and disappears passed the gate.

"Bye, San." I reply to the wind and walk into my room. The picture in the back of my pocket is slightly drenched, so I leave it on the side of my mirror for it to dry. It looks cute just sitting there. Santana's hand fits perfectly in mine. As if I was born to be with her. Maybe I was.

—

After a long nap, Amelia knocks on my bedroom door. She comes in with a tray, like always, and sets it down on my lap as I sit up. Her eyes land on my damaged lip and she sighs.

"Oh Brittany, always rebelling." she teases and gently dabs my lip with a wet paper towel. I giggle. It's funny because I don't rebel. At least I don't think I do. Both my mother and father push me to the edge sometimes. Amelia pushes the glass of apple juice towards me and I sip some. I look out the sliding door that leads to my balcony and see that the sun is out. My clock reads: 4:41 pm.

"Well mi niña, I'm going to the mini-mart. Don't make your parents angry." she tells me and starts walking out. I grab her wrist instantly and pull her back again.

"Can I come?" I ask with pleading eyes. She thinks for a moment, then smiles and tells me to hurry since my dad is in his office. We get out quietly and call a cab.

About twenty minutes later, we arrive at the mini-mart. My heart prances around as I go looking for Santana. Then I see her. She's pushing carts out of the small parking lot and wearing a bright orange vest under a burgundy t-shirt with some black pants. She sees me. My heart stops. As she walks towards me, Amelia smiles.

"Hey Amelia." Santana greets her and smiles at me.

"Take care of her for now okay, Santana?"

She nods and steps closer to me. Amelia throws a wink my direction and walks into the small store.

"What are you doing here?"

I shrug.

"This is a dangerous place for you, Britt." her eyes look so hopeless and scared. I look around and see some guys at a corner drinking liquor from a paper bag and across the street, there are more guys. Some with beards, some with tattoos, and some with huge cigars. It's kind of scary actually. I don't know where I am. What's weird is that she doesn't seem afraid at all. The guys from the corner start walking towards our direction and my stomach begins to turn. They're smiling and whistling at us from afar.

"What the hell. C'mon, get inside." Santana walks behind me, holding my left arm with her left hand and placing her right hand on my lower back; guiding me through.

"With a face like yours, I'll have to outrun all these people." she tells me with a grin and taps my nose. I laugh and stand in front of her; just staring at her. She can be doing nothing and all I'd want to do is touch her, hug her, and never let go. My instincts kick in and I lean in for a hug; her arms around my waist and mine around her neck. She exhales. Her warm breath tickles my skin as she buries her face in my neck. It's intimate. It's affectionate. And it's passionate. Just like the novels. Who knew a hug would feel so amazing. We separate and I see Amelia waiting for someone to scan her items at the cashier. Santana smiles and goes behind the cash register. A huge smile comes across my face as I watch her bag the items. She puts a sign on the conveyer belt that says 'Lane closed' and walks towards me again.

"Um-uh, I'm on break. Want to grab a coffee or something?"

I look over to Amelia. She nods with a smile and walks over to talk to some ladies by the vegetable section.

We walk down the street to a small coffee shop. She opens the glass door for me and I walk inside, looking at the menu above us.

"What are you getting?" I ask and stand closer to her.

She shrugs. "I always get hot chocolate."

"I'll get that too."

She nods and the woman behind the counter takes our order.

"$4.79 will be your total."

I start taking money out, but Santana stops me and smiles.

"I got it." she whispers and takes money from her pocket. The woman receives it and we go to a table set for two.

"You didn't have to pay, San." I tell her as I take a seat across from her.

"I invited you here, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but-"

"Britt, chill. It's okay." she says and places her hand on mine. I smile and sigh contently at her touch.

After a couple of minutes, a girl about our age brings us our hot chocolate. She has light brown that seem to change color in the light and dirty blonde hair. I smile as she sets down a slice of carrot cake as well.

"We didn't order this." Santana informs the girl and pushes it away. I look up to see her response and glance at her name tag: Nicole.

"Oh, that's on me." she replies with a wink. Santana lowers her gaze and scratches her head awkwardly.

"What was that about?" I ask as the girl walks away.

"Just uh, some girl."

"Right..." I reply and stir the hot drink with a wooden stick.

She sighs and plays with the napkin on the table. "She used to have a crush on me. I'd come here every day before school early in the morning and she'd take my order." she dips her pinkie in the whipped cream on the surface of the drink and takes a lick. "No biggie."

"Do you like her?"

"No."

I scoff and sip the hot chocolate slowly.

"Why do you care anyway?" she asks annoyed. I look at her with an 'are you kidding me' expression and throw the wooden utensil on the table. Her words made my heart drop, and not in a good way. I walk out so fast, she has to sprint to catch up.

"Brittany!" she shouts, but I keep walking. Finally, she catches up to me and corners me around the block. I walk slower on purpose because I want her to chase me. I want her to care. Her breathing is heavy and I can sense how guilty she is from the look on her face.

"I didn't mean it like that." she whispers and steps closer to me once her lungs are fully recovered.

"Sorry..." she apologizes and sort of winces. "Please don't be mad. I can't handle you being mad at me."

I put on a small smile and link my arm with hers. We start walking back to the mini-mart and I see Amelia gathering the grocery bags. Santana sighs and puts her hands in her back pocket. My hearts beating like a drum solo, but I wrap my arms around her neck none the less. Another hug won't hurt, right? She breathes out deeply and wraps her arms around my waist.

"You love hugs, huh?"

"Only with you." I say in a low tone and she giggles. I didn't think she'd hear me, but I'm kind of glad she did. As I unwrap my arms, she sneaks in a light kiss on my cheek. Now I can't feel my legs. Amelia shows up beside me and we start walking to the bus stop. I wave good-bye to Santana like a goof and she waves back. My stomach is doing that thing again. It's fluttering like a butterfly on ecstasy. It won't stop and maybe it's not supposed to.


	10. Monday  October 15, 2001

But you understand me better

I'm at school walking to my locker. Santana isn't here yet and I'm starting to freak out. Usually she's waiting for me. I tried calling her house phone, but no one answered. Maybe she'll call me later. Suddenly, I hear rapid footsteps from behind me and turn around.

"Brittany!"

It's Rachel. She races in front of me and gasps for air.

"Have you seen Quinn?"

I shake my head. "No."

She runs her hand through her hair in frustration and breathes out deeply. "I heard there was going to be a fight. Mercedes just told me." she says and my books drop to the floor. I can't feel my arms and I see that she's become tense. "Some girls against Quinn and-"

"Santana..." I breathe out and start to panic. "We've got to find them Rachel. They can't hurt her anymore!"

We run out to the basketball courts and don't see anyone. Next, we run to the lockers. No one's there. We run to the huge bathroom across the school and still, there's no one there. The warning bell rings for class. Rachel starts sobbing uncontrollably and my heart starts to beat faster. I don't know what to do or why she's crying in the first place. She kneels to the bathroom floor and puts her hands on her face.

"They're going to get hurt, Brittany and I can't lose Quinn." she sobs and I lean in to hug her.

"You won't lose her; we'll see them later today." I tell her with a shaky voice and hand her a paper towel to clean her tears. She looks at me and nods.

"You're right, you're right." she dusts off her skirt and wipes away her excess tears. "We've got to get to class."

I nod and she walks out quickly.

When I get to English class, she's not there. Walking to my next class, I try looking for her, but I don't see her.

Break comes, and Rachel spots me. She links her arm with mine and we walk towards the break area, tilting our heads form side to side looking for Quinn and Santana.

"Finally." Rachel's says in relief when she sees Quinn. They engage in a long hug and Santana smiles softy at me. She slowly steps closer to me and I wrap my arms around her neck while she wraps hers around my waist. I hold her tightly. I wish I could stay like this forever because then she wouldn't get into fights and get hurt.

"Where were you?" I ask her and she glances at Quinn.

"I was helping her with some project she had."

"You're lying."

She breathes out and crosses her arms. Rachel is staring at Quinn strangely as I stand there talking to Santana.

"What did you want me to do?"

"Oh I don't know. Tell a teacher! The principal, the counselor! You were just getting back on track, Santana. This is what? Your third or fourth fight?"

"They threatened to hurt you, Brittany. What was I supposed to do? They can hurt me all they want, but I wouldn't dare let them lay a finger on you."

I don't respond because the knot in my throat is preventing me from doing so. Tears are in her eyes and I can tell she's trying to fight them.

"They called us the 'Lesbo Alliance' and threatened to hurt Rachel too, so I told Quinn."

Rachel kisses Quinn lightly on the cheek by her eye and she winces in pain. "Ouch, don't do that."

I look at Santana and she looks back at Quinn. Rachel licks her thumb and rubs under Quinn's eye, removing the foundation she had put on. It's purple.

"What the hell." she states angrily. "Quinn we have to tell the principal! This can't keep happening."

Quinn grabs her by the wrist and pulls her closer again. "Rachel you can't. It'll make it worse. These girls won't stop, you should know that."

Rachel draws her wrist from her grip and stomps away. Quinn chases after her while Santana is here with me. I rub my thumb under her eye and it's purple as well. Her lip has a new bruise to it and I could tell she tried hiding that too.

"You need to stop this, San. You can't keep fighting."

"I'll fight for you, Brittany. Until I can't anymore." she says weakly and a tear streams down her face. My thumb wipes it off gently and I can hear how vulnerable she sounds. The warning bell rings and I wrap my arms around her neck for another hug. She buries her face in the crook of my neck and breathes out deeply. The tension she was building up slowly melts away as our bodies touch.

"I'll see you later." she says and unwraps her arms. "Quinn and I have in-house suspension. We're not even supposed to be here."

"So you're leaving?"

She smiles. "I'll never leave, Britt." she whispers. One hand goes in her back pocket and the other hand pinches my cheek lightly. I smile and look to the floor. "Like I said, I'll see you later." she replies and starts walking away.

"Kay." I say and softly and start walking to gym class. Santana hasn't been doing her make-up work on a count of getting into so much trouble. It's sweet that she wants to protect me and kind of hot actually, but I can't keep letting her get hurt because of me.

As I walk to gym class, I see Lindsay and her friends. Her gaze meets mine. She makes a gagging noise and sticks her finger in her mouth.

"Gross." I hear one of her friends say and she smirks. The inside of my stomach churns and I begin to change at my locker. All the girls are gone, so I think I'm safe. Suddenly, I hear giggling. Lindsay, again, with her friends at the corner of the locker room entrance. When I start walking to the roll call numbers, Lindsay and four other girls surround me as I continue my route.

"Hey Stacy, why did the lesbian go to Sports Chalet?" Lindsay mocks me and stares me down.

"I don't know Lindsay, why?"

"Because she hated Dicks." she replies with a loud laugh.

"_Ha-ha_ dyke." her friend practically shouts in my ear and I shiver. People are so cruel. So heartless. And just so _mean_. Except Santana. She's the only reason I'm here.

The day went by faster than I expected it to. Santana not being here usually makes everything so slow. I show up at my locker and see her waiting there. My heart stops and my knees start to shake. Our eyes meet. She breathes in and leans against the locker next to mine as I open it.

"Miss me?" I ask her and place all the books inside. She grins and licks her lips.

"Not really. I just came by to see all the lovely people in McKinley." she jokes and I nudge her shoulder. The smile on her face fades away as she stares down the hall.

"What's wrong?"

She looks up and hesitates to speak, but does so anyway. "You know how I got along with the janitor and he let me keep stuff in a classroom?" I nod. "He's transferring schools, so I have to take everything out."

"Where are you putting all of it?"

She sighs. "I guess I'll throw everything away."

I frown, but then I remember. "Keep all your stuff in the empty room in my cabin."

Her eyes light up, but then faded soon after. "I can't Brittany. It's a waste of space. That's your-"

"San, its okay. Plus, your paintings are amazing. You're amazing..." I whisper the last part hoping she doesn't hear me, but then she smiles widely. She heard. My heart is beating so fast, I'm scared it might not be normal. Her arm links with mine and we start walking down the hall to grab all the painting and art tools from the spare classroom. I help her with some things and we head for my cabin. As soon as we walk in, I go to the empty bedroom and set down the easel. She puts her paintings on the floor and lays out an old bed sheet.

"Done." I say and put my hands on my hips while scanning the room. She nods and our eyes meet.

"Um-uhh anyway, can you help me with some homework?"

"Sure."

We walk to the small dining room table and I take out my English homework. She takes a look at the first paragraph and takes out her glasses from her big basket ball jacket.

"You need to look for some examples of similes." she tells me and puts the paper down so we both see.

"Simile? What's that?"

"Simile is when you compare something using like or as."

I looked at her confused not fully understanding.

"okay," she starts and takes out a boom from the inside of her large jacket. "making friends at McKinley is **like** reading a book, they take one look at the cover and decide whether they want to read it or not."

I nod. It makes sense. My eyes land on the book in her hands and I feel a wave of heat stimulate my body. _Catcher and the Rye_. One of my favorites. I take it from her hands and she looks at me strangely.

"Have you finished reading it?" I ask and flip through the pages.

"I finished it on my way here."

I nod continuously until I find the page I was searching for. My hands are sweating and my mouth is dry. I clear my throat and glance at her.

"_If you weren't around, I'd probably be someplace way the hell off. In the woods or some goddamn place. You're the only reason I'm around, practically_." I quote from the book and force her eyes to meet mine. She smiles. Her smile. God, if only she knew what it did to me.

"Really?"

I nod and look down shyly. She takes the book from my hands and places it on the table. My lungs are struggling for air as she steps closer. But wait, what is she doing? She moves my hair to the side and traces her finger down my arm. Her gorgeous brown eyes lock with mine. So sweet like chocolate, yet so clear like water. Her leg swings to one side of my body; straddling my hips and looking into my eyes. She's sitting on my lap and her arms are around my neck. Our faces inches away from each others. I don't know what I should do, where to put my hands, or how to tilt my head so that it's not so close. My instincts take over me and I slowly run my hands up her thighs, then place them on her waist. She breathes out. Like if she was waiting for it.

"Do I scare you, Britt?" she asks in a whisper and runs her hand through my hair.

I shake my head. "No, you just make me nervous."

"Why?"

"You're beautiful."

She giggles half halfheartedly. "That's not what other people think."

I shake my head in denial as I play with the edge of her back pocket. "Who cares what they say."

Her eyes. I can read them. She doesn't believe she's beautiful, but I wish she did. Because it's true. She has a voice so sincere and honest, yet sensual and seductive at the right time. Lips that speak precious words yet don't move a muscle. Eyes that look so vulnerable, but end up being as strong as a boulder. Perfect curves that can capture anyone's eye and an amazing smile that might end up giving me a heart attack. The voices in her head are betraying her. I know, because they talk to me too. They tell me I'm worthless. A disappointment. It's tough. You try and get them out, but you can't. You scream, shout, yell, and cry. Nothing works. How can you run away from your own thoughts? That's just it. You can't.

"Don't listen, San." I whisper and she continues to stare at me in awe. "Don't listen to _any _of them."

Her lips curl into a small smile and my heart flutters. I love her smile, it's even better if I'm the reason behind it. She sucks on her bottom lip and all I do is stare. Stare at her lips, into her eyes, and at her complexion. She's so breathtakingly beautiful. I want to...kiss her. Each day I'm becoming aware of my feelings for her. They grow and grow with each giggle, touch, smile and glance. And I can't control it. I don't want to.

Moments later, she gets up from my lap and walks to the room with her paintings. Now it's _her _room. I'm right behind her, watching and taking in her beauty as she prances around the open space. The painting of her brother is on the far corner and the paint cases on her easel are halfway gone. Maybe I'll buy her a new set of paint. Or maybe a huge set color pencils and stuff. And some pins for her to hang up the paintings. She'd like that. Love it, actually. As I stare at the painting of her brother, I feel shivers come up my spine. He's so similar to her in so many ways, I can tell.

She starts walking out and I follow behind her once again. She passes the bathroom, and then stands by the very last door on the far right. "What's in here?" she asks curiously. I go in front of her and open it.

"My room."

She steps inside and sees the huge bed set with matching dressers, a plasma TV and long curtains to cover the open window. The pattern on the bed sheet catches her eye. Light yellow flower patterns with a white background. Her index finger strokes the mattress from one corner, to the other.

"You like yellow?" she asks in a whisper. I nod and cross my arms. She nods as well and continues to look around. There's a small bookshelf by my closet filled with books. Then she walks by my dresser and looks at the pictures. First frame: my grandma and I. When I was about seven or eight. She's smiling and I'm holding a white bunny. Second frame: me, with a bright yellow sunflower in my hair looking down at the creek. That's when my grandfather was alive. I was about nine or ten. He loved coming by here. Third frame: Artie, his parents, my parents, and me standing on the far side. The smile plastered in her lips fades away. She picks up the photograph and sucks on her bottom lip. My heart thumps and I avert my eyes to something else. She's hurt. I feel her become tense.

"I almost forgot..." she breathes out. "you have a boyfriend." she states weakly and sets down the photograph. Her tone of voice sounds angry; like she's trying her best not to show it. My eyes meet hers and I swallow hard. They're so weak and so hurt. Tears are forming, so she looks away.

"I'll go now." she states and starts walking out. I grab her arm to stop her, but she fights it off. The feeling in the pit of my stomach makes me want to vomit. She's mad, but why? She doesn't need to worry about Artie because I hardly remember him throughout the day. The only person on my mind is _her_, as much as I want to deny it, I can't.

"Santana..." I call for her. No answer. When I look out the open door, she's already too far for me to catch up.

Don't fall apart, Brittany. Not now. Breathe in, breathe out.

My back slams against the door and I slowly start sliding down. Knees to my chest while I stare at the floor. I look at the clock. 5:03. The sun is barely getting ready to set as I make it inside my front door. Amelia is cooking in the kitchen, so I sit on the island across from her. She stares at me with a look of worry on her face.

"How are you, Ms. Brittany? Where have you been?" she asks and stirs some rice in a pan.

"I was with Santana." I reply and breathe out deeply.

A smile comes across her face. "Santana is a very pretty girl. She lives in the same apartment building as me. Sometimes she takes Cynthia out to the park with her cousins."

Cynthia is Amelia's only daughter. She barely sees her, on a count of being over here all the time. I wish she could come over, but the last time she did, my parents didn't want her to come back ever again.

"Here mija, you need to eat." she hands me a plate with rice, chicken, potatoes and some salsa. She's always telling me to eat spicy foods because maybe I'll get married to someone that loves spicy things. It makes me smile how she thinks of my future so much. After I finish eating, I wash my dish and clean up where I ate.

"Ms. Brittany leave that there! I'll take care of it!" Amelia orders me and I giggle. She gently shoves me aside and starts cleaning everything. I take my place back at the island again and watch her. Moments later, my parents in through the door angrily.

"Don't talk to me like that!" I hear my father shout, then comes a loud smack. Amelia's face turns pale and serious when I turn to face her. Our eyes don't meet. My mother groans angrily and storms through the dining room. Her lip is bleeding and her hair is all messed up. I start walking passed her, but she grabs my arm forcefully and makes me face her.

"Where were you, Brittany?"

"What are you-"

"You came home an hour ago. I checked the cameras."

I don't respond. I didn't even know we had cameras around our house.

"You were probably out being a slut somewhere."

"That's _exactly_ what I was doing." I state angrily, not being able to contain myself any longer.

She slaps me with the back of her hand across my face.

"I'm disgusted." she huffs and walks over to the liquor cabinet. She and my father are always drinking. It makes me sick. _They_ make me sick. I walk up to my room and slam my door. Nothing is going right anymore. Well, nothing has ever been right, but Santana is what's been keeping me stable. I need her. After what happened earlier, I don't know if I'll get her back. My stomach turns at the thought of losing her. The pictures on my dresser by my door disgust me. All of them. The ones with Artie; the ones with my parents. Every single one of the have a phony smile playing across their face. I breathe out in frustration and knock of them down. They land on my wooden floor and break. The glass breaks to be exact, and I see the sharp edges. My scars are tingling and burning with need for something sharp. I'm craving it. I need it...but I need Santana more.

Contain yourself, Brittany. Don't do it. Breathe in, breathe out.

I pick up the huge pieces of glass and throw them into a bag, then hurl the bag into the bushes so I won't be tempted. My throat is numb; I can't swallow down my urge to cut.

Think of Santana, Brittany. Remember her.

I position myself on my bed so that I'm facing my balcony, imagining she's by my side. A tear streams down my face. Sometimes I can't control my emotions, so I just breakdown. She can control me with her touch, her voice, her breathing...she's like my blade; relieving my pain in any way possible.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note:<strong> Sorry I've been updating so much. Writing is all I've been doing all Spring break. Anyway, I'm about three chapters ahead and I'm so excited for you guys to read the next one. Thank you and have a good day. (:


	11. Friday  October 19, 2001

Both of us are hurting

Santana is supposed to come back from her in-house suspension punishment today. She called me yesterday, and we talked for hours. Some moments we didn't even speak, but just knowing she's on the other line makes me feel complete. I haven't seen her since Monday, so I'm eager be in her presence again. But I remember she left my cabin mad that day, but when we talked everything seemed fine. As I walk into the halls of McKinley, I hear footsteps behind me.

Chill Brittany, it's probably just the janitor or something.

I turn around and see Mrs. Lindroff, my English teacher, walking with a coffee mug in hand.

"Good morning, Brittany." she greets me with a smile and unlocks her classroom door.

I smile. "Morning." I reply and she continues doing what she was doing. Thank god it was her. I was scared this school was haunted or something.

Minutes pass, and I'm waiting by my locker for Santana to get here. I walk by a classroom and lean against some lockers while checking my cell phone for the time. 7:39 am. Still no Santana. While getting books from my locker, I hear footsteps along with giggling. Fear takes over my body and I begin to tremble. My locker slams shut, then I feel people surround me instantly.

"Hey Barbie, where's Pocahontas?"

It's Lindsay. Three of her friends are surrounding me with smirks planted on their lips. Her hand reaches for my chin and grips on it like a baseball.

"Legoofme." I mumble and she laughs.

"Your little girlfriend made my friend transfer to another school. You're lucky you have her. You may need a friend once we're done with you." she hisses and pushes me up against the lockers. I wince in pain and her friends chuckle. Her hand slides down to my neck, and again, grips it tightly. What's happening? Everything is blurry. My cheeks are flushing with heat. And my eyes feel like they're going to explode out of my eye sockets.

"When will you understand that people like you don't belong here." she says into my ear and finally let's go of my neck. I gasp for oxygen to go into my lungs, then begin to cough. That bitch. She walks away with her evil dwarfs behind her. My heart is beating like a drum solo and I feel like throwing up. I race to the bathroom and go into the last stall.

Breathe in, breathe out.

_What do you hear? _

"The faucet dripping water. The pounding of my heart against my eardrums..."

My head tilts up to the ceiling, trying to hold in my tears, but I can't. I let out a loud sob and it echoes throughout the bathroom walls. Tears are streaming down my face and I can barely breathe, barely think. High school sucks. Sitting down in a dirty bathroom stall crying my eyes out sucks.

Calm down, Brittany. Stop crying.

I take some toilet paper and clean some excess tears off my face.

"I hate being here." I say loudly to the empty bathroom. Then, the door creaks open and shuts again. They must have came in and left. But wait. There are footsteps. I look down at the floor and see someone coming towards my stall. Suddenly, it opens slowly and her head pops in. Santana. The expression on her face goes from an angry one, to a sad one as soon as our eyes lock. She sits down next to me and grabs my hand.

"You just haven't found a purpose to stay." she whispers and I look to the floor as another tear streams down my cheek. "Here," she places my hand over my heart and pauses for a moment. "Feel that?"

"Yes." I say weakly and breathe in deeply.

"There's your purpose." she replies, pressing on my hand still. My heart does this 360 degree flip and I'm sure she felt it too. If only she knew it was because of her.

I breathe out. "but...I think I just found my purpose." I say and our eyes meet. A small smile comes across her face. Her smile. It makes me weak. Weaker than what I already am.

"C'mon Britt," she starts pulling me up from the floor and dusting me off, while wiping my tears. "Remember to never let them see you vulnerable. That's what they want."

That's why she's so strong. Because she's never open for attack like I am. I can't help it though. When it comes to protecting myself, I suck at it. My head is throbbing and I feel so dizzy at this point.

Refocus, Brittany.

Look down. Our hands are still intertwined. All I can hear is the sound of my beating heart through my ears. Her eyes. They sparkle with the lights and her cheeks have a soft shade of pink. So sincere and so affectionate. Like her personality. Maybe it's happening. I'm falling for Santana Lopez and I don't want to stop. Sometimes I can't control myself and I just throw my arms around her. Like now. My arms around her neck and hers around my waist. I feel at ease. She sneaks a light kiss on my cheek and I melt into her arms like a chocolate bar on a hot summer day.

The bell rings moments later, and we loosen our grip on each other. She grabs her things along with mine and we walk to class. Mrs. Lindroff set down papers on our desks that had poetry of some kind written on each one. Santana eyes it weirdly and we take our seats.

"Okay everyone, I'm going to discuss your project."

All the students whine and groan as she pulls up a copy of the paper on our desks. "This is an example. You and your partner, whomever you choose, will write a poem together. It could be about anything, and I mean _anything_. Each person must participate in the assignment. It can be about present tense, past tense, or future tense. There must be some kind of object, like a handmade cup or something, that has significance with what you're writing."

"When is it due?" a girl from the front row asks.

"That's where it gets better. It's due at the end of the semester, February 28th. So it better be a good poem, damn it." she replies and everyone laughs. "this will be counted as your final. So I think both you and your partner should do a good job on it."

I look over to Santana and she smiles. My hand goes under her desk and links our pinkies together. Her smile grows wider as I tighten my grip on her small finger. Mrs. Lindroff finishes talking and Santana and I start working on the project.

"Maybe you could paint something." I suggest and her face lightens.

"Yeah, good idea. But we should start the poem first."

I nod. "Oh yeah." I say with a giggle and she nudges me playfully.

We both decided to work on the project in my cabin. The school day was such a blur. Santana helped me get through it without having to deal with Lindsay. As I unlock the door, I see she's staring at our tree.

"I have an idea." she says and runs inside to the painting room. Well, _her _room. I walk quickly behind her and see she's sketching something.

"Don't look." she tells me with a smile and continues drawing with her pencil. I giggle and walk out to the living room. My backpack is on the dining room table; I grab it, take out a piece of paper and begin writing the title.

The Journey to Love

I start jotting down ideas for the beginning. Her backpack is lying beside be with her notebooks scattered on the wooden surface. My eyes land on a black composition book. Kind of like a journal or something. Doodles of random things cover the front page. Santana sneaks up behind me and sees me staring at it.

"I got the first part." I say softly while averting my gaze from the notebook. She narrows her eyes to see it clearly.

"That's really good." she whispers and when I turn to face her, our eyes lock.

"I'll do some stanzas and you can do some too. My parts can be italicized." she tells me with a soft smile.

I stare at her longingly and lick my lips, completely forgetting what we were doing. "Oh uhh, yeah. Okay...Can I see the sketch?"

"No."

"Not fair!" I say loudly, and then nudge her and she laughs. Her left index finger taps my nose and red paint covers the very tip.

"Oh, crap!" she says sarcastically and covers her mouth. I laugh and chase her to her room. I trip over the bed sheet that's covering the floor and paint splatters everywhere.

"Oh my gosh, Britt. I'm so-"

I grab her hand and pull her down with me, wrestling and rolling all over the paint on the floor. We stop. Our eyes meet as our chests are heaving for air. I'm straddling her hips and she's struggling nervously to decide where to place her hands. I know she's hesitating due to the fact that Artie is my boyfriend, but he's not as important to me as she is.

"O-on Monday, when you walked out, I've been wanting to tell you..." I begin to say, but no words come out of my mouth.

Our eyes meet. What should I tell her? That I think of her every time I go to sleep and the very second I wake up? That I kind of want to kiss her and never let her go? See here's the thing, I don't know if I can. She's staring into my eyes; reading me. My heart's pumping and I can feel my face burn as it blushes.

"Say it, Britt." she whispers and runs her hand through my hair.

"...I like you Santana," I breathe out. "but you don't want a girl like me."

"Why?"

"You'll end up getting hurt."

I lower my head so that I won't meet her gaze and she sighs."I've gotten hurt so many times. I can handle it." she replies weakly and tilts my head up so that our eyes are locked again. A small smile comes across my face as she begins to play with the lining of my shirt.

She looks out the window and rolls her eyes. "It's getting late." she states, then slides her hands up my thighs and holds onto my waist.

"You can't stay?"

She shakes her head. "I work."

A frown comes upon my face and I sigh. If she were _mine_, I'd give her all the money she needs and she'd never leave my side.

"I'll walk you home." she whispers and pulls my hair behind my ear.

"All the way?"

She giggles and kisses my cheek lightly. "All the way." she whispers and I bite my lip, trying to not attack her. I wish we could stay like this forever. Just looking at each other. Taking in each other's presence like we've been doing since we met.

I get off of her and help her stand up. We grab our things and start walking down the shortcut again. My heart is racing with each step, each breathe and each second. The BMW isn't in the driveway, so my parents aren't home yet. We stop at my front porch and she grabs my hand, then kisses it lightly. I smile and wrap my arms around her neck. She does what she always does: wraps hers around my waist. I breathe out deeply as we separate, but before completely letting go, my lips press against her jaw line softly. She stays motionless in her spot as soon as I step away.

"San, you okay?" I ask with a giggle and she nods rapidly.

"Y-yeah, yeah I'm fine. I just uhh..." she trails off and looks into my eyes. I smile and she lets out a nervous laugh.

"Bye San." I say and walk inside.

"Bye..." she whispers and starts walking for the gate. When I walk inside, Amelia is watching me from the kitchen. A smirk comes across her face as she stirs food in a pot.

"Oh, ya te vi. Ya te vi." she tells me and I feel my face turn red instantly. I walk over and watch her cook from the other side of the counter.

"I have no idea what you just said." I confess to her and she laughs so hard, I'm afraid she might explode.

"I saw you, Ms. Brittany. I saw you." she tells me and I look down at the food. I'm not embarrassed, but I'm just scared of being judged. She presses her lips together, turns off the stove and moves the pot to a different place.

"Do you like her?"

I look up and our eyes meet. She knows. Am I that easy to read?

"Yes," I breathe out. "but it doesn't matter. My parents would kill me."

"They don't take one second to acknowledge the things that make you happy, so why would you try to please them?"

I don't respond because I know she doesn't need an answer to that. Her lips curl into a small smile as I trace the square tiles on the counter with my finger.

"What if they hurt her?" I ask in a fearful tone. She leans closer to me and pinches my cheek lightly.

"Protect her."

My heart clenches. She's right. She's always right.

I nod. "Protect her...right." I say timidly. How can I protect her, when I can barely protect myself?

You'll manage, Brittany. Remember who she is. She's Santana Lopez. That girl that girl that makes your heart shrivel like a prune. That girl with amazing chocolate brown eyes that never fail to read your soul. That girl that you're kind of falling for.

"You want to come?" I hear Amelia's voice and quickly refocus on her. I look at her strangely and she laughs.

"I'm going to the mini-mart." she states and a huge smile takes over my lips.

"Yeah." I reply then grab a granola bar from the cabinet and head out.

After the thirty minute drive, Amelia and I get off the cab and walk into the store. My eyes jerk from one corner to the other, looking for Santana. She's organizing items in an aisle. I pretend I don't see her and look at the things in stock. Her eyes quickly land on me once I step into the section.

"Brittany?" I turn and she's walking towards me. I smile. My heart stops as she walks closer to me. In her arms; she's carrying a red basket with more items inside. "What are you doing here?"

"I was just uh...in the neighborhood."

I'm such a liar. She tilts her head back as her lips shape into a small 'o' understandingly. She's not convinced. "I um, came to get this!" I grab a random item from the shelf and hold it up for her to see.

"Men's shaving cream?" she asks with a giggle. I look at the small can and wince at my dumb move.

"Yeaah, ya' know. I just uhh..." I say embarrassed and she smiles. A genuine smile. That smile that I just adore.

"Did you need help finding the razors too?" she teases and I nudge her playfully. She crosses her arms and breathes out.

"Tell me why you're really here, Brittany." she whispers and I become nervous.

"I said I was-"

"In the neighborhood. Yeah, I heard." she finishes my sentence and her eyes cut to me as she places more items on the shelf. I swallow hard and bite the side of my lip awkwardly. Amelia comes from behind Santana and smirks at me, while raising both her thumbs. It's like she's cheering me on. I giggle and rub my forehead with my index and middle finger. Amelia comes from behind her and nudges her playfully.

"Hello, Santana." she greets her with a smile. "How are your cousins? And Adriana?"

"Oh, they're doing well. Thanks."

I can't stop staring at her. She's so kind. So respectful. And so breathtaking. Is this normal? Ya' know, to have these feelings in your stomach, and in your heart. I mean, do I like girls? I've never had these feelings with Artie, or any boy. That day that he brought his cousin, I didn't really care about either of them, except for the girl. Charles' girlfriend. When I looked at her, my stomach would turn. She was very pretty, but not nearly as breathtaking as Santana. Her caramel skin shouldn't even be compared to anything else in this universe. Having this kind of attraction to girls has always been inside me. Now everything makes so much more sense.

"Britt?"

I can barely hear my name being called.

"Brittany, are you okay?" Santana is waving her hand in front of my face to get my attention. I blink repeatedly and focus on her. A woman about her height is standing beside her along with three kids. Amelia is playing with the youngest one as I watch each delicate angel adoringly.

"This is my Aunt Adriana and my cousins." she points to the kids and starts from youngest to oldest. "Michael, Alissa, and Hailey."

I shake her aunt's hand with a smile, then bend down to greet all the little kids. Michael is about two years old. His hair is light brown, unlike all the rest of his siblings, they have dark brown. Alissa is about five years old, and Hailey is twelve.

"You're very pretty, Brittany. What a pleasure to meet you." Adriana tells me and I smile.

"Thank you." I reply and lower my head to hide my blush. Santana giggles and stands closer beside me.

"Well Santana, I'll be seeing you later." her aunt says and begins walking away. I wave goodbye to everyone and tug Santana by the hem of her shirt before she walks to the other end of the aisle. Her gaze meets mine. I lean in and kiss her cheek lightly.

"Bye." I whisper and slap her thigh playfully. She giggles and wraps her arms around me tightly, squeezing me until my breath is completely drained from my lungs. Her lips begin kissing my jaw line multiple times before I could even react. She stops and I wipe her lip gloss of my cheek.

"Yuck." I tease and she licks her lips.

"Oh you _love _it." she replies with a playful wink and I laugh. She begins stacking more items on the shelf, then stops when she notices I'm still in her presence. Our eyes lock and she lets out a small giggle.

"Bye, Britt." she whispers.

"Bye, San." I reply and walk backwards towards the exit. My heart is skipping and I'm so light headed, I can't believe that just happened. Amelia smirks at me as I catch up beside her.

"Meeting the relatives already?" she teases and I nudge her lightly. "Do you think she liked you?" she asks and my mind takes me to Santana. Her face. Her eyes. Does she like me?

"Yeah, I think so."


	12. Saturday  October 20, 2001

So lets stay together

It's 6:13 am. I woke up to take a quick shower, and now I can't sleep. There's a knock on the sliding doors that lead to my balcony. Slowly and quietly, I unlock and slide open the door. Santana is standing right in front of me. She sighs and I see a trail of vapor expel from her mouth. I'm in shock. What is she doing here? I open my mouth to speak, but no words are being said.

"I was in the neighborhood." she whispers with a smile and my heart skips. Her smile, her eyes. My god, she might kill me someday. I look down to her hands and they're tucked in her pockets. She's wearing her big basket ball jacket. My arms wrap around her neck, the way I've gotten so use to, and hers go around my waist. She's so warm and soft. Like a teddy bear. If only I could stay like this forever. The smell of her hair sends shock waves up my spine. Can she feel my heart beating continuously for her?

Stop, Brittany. If you think any louder she'll hear you.

We separate and stare at each other momentarily. I reach for the openings of her jacket, where the buttons are supposed to come together, and pull her inside. Our eyes are locked as I walk backwards into my room again. I stop at the edge of my bed and she sits me down. Her arms wrap around my neck and I breathe in deeply. Her hands trace down my arms, then lay me down, flat on my back. Is that sound my heart or hers? I'm pretty sure it's mine. She swings one leg over on the other side of my body, straddling my hips. Hands above my shoulders, keeping her up, making our faces are centimeters away from each others.

"Are you scared?" she whispers. I don't know what to say. She's taken my breath away and I may never get it back.

"Of you, no. Of what you do to me, yes."

She giggles and twirls my hair with her index finger. "Don't be. I won't hurt you."

"What if I hurt _you_?"

"Would you?"

I shake my head, of course I wouldn't.

"Then don't worry."

I sigh and cherish the very moment of her presence. "No one has ever been so protective of me, but then there's you." I confess and she smiles. My hand runs through her soft, dark brown hair as my other hand is placed on her shoulder. "W-what if I need to hurt you to protect you?"

"Don't worry about me, Britt."

"If I don't, who will?"

Her eyes sparkle with the morning sunlight shining through my window. In my head I'm begging her to say my name, to just say my freaking name and I'll be there every second of everyday. Whether she does or not, I'll do anything in my power to protect her from this messed up world. She cares so much for me, and all I'm trying to do is give it back to her. All she does is worry constantly about her spurrpundings. She needs a break.

"You really mean that?" she asks in a weak tone. My heart melts immediately.

"Why wouldn't I?"

She shrugs and rolls over to the right side of my bed. My hands clasp under my left cheek as I lie in place, eyes glued to her. The way she stares up at the ceiling and loses herself makes me feel like an outsider. Wait San, I want to get lost with you. Where'd she go? Her eyes say she left. But wait, she turns to look at me and smiles. I return her gesture, then pull a strand of her hair behind her ear. She grabs my hand and kisses it gently.

"You're _so _beautiful." she whispers with a weak giggle. I shake my head in denial and she raises her eyebrows confused.

"I'm not as pretty as other girls at school." I reply and sit up in my bed, hugging my knees to my chest.

"You're perfect."

I giggle and lower my head. "To _you_."

"Yeah," she sits up along with me and lowers her head so our eyes meet. "that's all that really matters, right?"

I smile. She's joking, I think. My gaze goes from her eyes, to her lips, and back to her eyes. She lies back down and puts her hands behind her head, keeping it in place like a pillow. Her eyes close because of the sun shining through the drapes. I get up to close them, then lie back down. I wish the sun would go away just so that I'd have her sleep with me. We all know I can't sleep at night and maybe if she were beside me, I could. Her chest rises and descends as she breathes in deeply. I scoot closer to her and place my right arm over her stomach while my head rests on her chest. Wait, she's gotten use to my touch. She no longer goes stiff with my body being in contact with hers. The feeling of my hair being stroked scares me for a second, but then I realize it's her. Her heart. It pumps blood throughout her body rapidly. I can hear it. My eyes start drifting shut, and I can't fight it.

Don't sleep, Brittany. You'll forget she's here.

If I forget and my parents come in, I'm screwed.

—

The sound of loud crows outside my backyard wakes me and I see her. She's still here. Her head resting so serenely on the pillow against her neck. The way she groans when she hears the slightest noise makes me smile. And the way she holds me tighter when I fidget just a little bit in my spot, makes my stomach tingle with happiness. Damn, she's beautiful. Her eyes. Her hair. Her skin. Everything. Every beauty mark. Every freckle. Every flaw. She's like a goddess. I'm lucky to even be next to her right now. My eyes are glued to her and I can't take them off. Sometimes, I even wonder if she's real. Maybe if I poke her, I'll find out.

My instincts take control and I poke her cheek. Maybe a little too hard. She slowly begins to open her eyes and breathes in, looking at her surroundings.

Nice Brittany, you woke up the princess by poking her. How romantic. Now use some lame line to sweep her off her feet.

She giggles and stretches her arms. "Did you just poke me?"

"Yeah, sorry. I wanted to see if you were real." I reply and look up at her; my head still resting on her chest. She giggles and I feel her abs clench and unclench with every breath as my hand is resting on her stomach. "It's just that you're so beautiful." I whisper and pull the blankets over my legs. The basket ball jacket she's wearing makes her so much warmer though. My hand traces straight across her stomach and into her unbuttoned jacket; making me embrace her even tighter.

"You were asleep for a while." she says in a low tone and sighs.

"I don't sleep at night because I listen to the ambulance sirens and wonder when they'll come for me." I say and she stays still in her position, looking straight ahead without making eye contact with me. It's like I triggered some angry nerve inside her. It's not my intention to make her mad. I really need to filter what I say sometimes, but then again, it's true.

She sighs and strokes my hair gently. "They'll never come for you," she begins and tilts her head so that she's facing me. "'cause you won't need them."

She's right. I won't need them as long as she's next to me I can conquer anything that comes into my path. It's like I'm invincible with her.

Suddenly her grip on me loosens. Her smile fades as she sits up and looks down at the patterns on my bed sheets. I sit up along with her and lower my head to meet her gaze.

"What's wrong?" I ask and she shakes her head, not wanting to say. "Tell me." I whisper and place my hand on her forearm to assure her that she can tell me anything. She breathes out and giggles halfheartedly.

"I'm not good enough for you, Britt." she confesses and I look at her with a confused expression. "I don't have nice things like you do. Your room is like the size of my living room. I want to be able to take you out on dates and buy you nice things, but I can't..."

I shake my head and open my mouth to speak, but she beats me to it.

"You deserve better and I can't give you that." she says weakly and tears form in her eyes, but then she blinks them away. I grab her hand and hold onto it tightly. How could she think I care about that? About appearance? I don't. I care about _her_ and about her family. I care about the fact that her wrists stay scar less. That her heart stays beating. And that her lungs keep breathing; because without her I'm nothing.

"I don't care about that stuff, San. Dates don't tell me I'm beautiful or hug me when I'm sad." I tilt her head up so our eyes meet. Her's are so weak and so fragile. They can break any second, but I'll be there to slowly mend them together. "_I'll_ buy you nice things, _I'll_ take you out on dates and _I'll _tell you _you're_ beautiful...because you deserve that."

A soft smile comes across her face and she sniffles. A tear runs down her cheek, but I wipe it with my thumb before it falls. Without warning, she presses her hand against my chest and lays me down on my bed again. My heart races and my hands begin to tremble nervously. She straddles my hips, but I swear our position is too intimate for words. Her right leg is in between my thighs and my shirt is lifted up, revealing my heaving stomach. She looks into my eyes as if it were her last time looking at me and pulls down the hem of my shirt so that my stomach is no longer visible. I rest my arms on her shoulder, but then slowly begin to take off her heavy jacket and throw it to the side of my dresser. She kisses my forehead, my nose, skips my lips, and kisses my chin. My eyes drift shut as I take in the sensation of her lips. They open again and she smiles softly. Sometimes, I can't handle how beautiful she is. It makes me question whether I'm sleeping or just not on this planet anymore. She defines the meaning of beauty.

We stare at each other adoringly, but suddenly, I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and begin to panic. She quickly jumps off me and skips around trying to decide where to hide, but I stop her and stick her in my closet.

"Brittany?" I hear a muffled voice from the other side of the door. It's Amelia. My heart thumps as I jump back into bed. She comes in with a tray of food. A little too _much _food. I smile nervously and cover myself with my blankets. She shakes her head and sets the tray on my dresser.

"Oh Santana, come out of the closet." she states and my eyes widen in astonishment. Santana slowly begins to appear from behind the door with eyes as wide as mine. Amelia shuts my bedroom door and stands beside it as she crosses her arms. Santana comes and sits beside me on my bed with a shade of pink taking over her cheek. "I saw you when I came in to put Brittany's towels in her bathroom. You should know better, Santana. If her parents come in here, not only with you get in trouble, but she will too." Amelia lectures us and Santana looks to the floor shyly. I bite my lip, trying my best not to laugh. From the corner of my eye, I see Santana smiling. She nudges her elbow into mine and I giggle.

"Sorry." she states and Amelia sighs in frustration.

"Brittany," she begins and pulls me aside. "I was teenager once. If you engage in any sexual activities, just let me know and I'll—"

"Amelia, its okay. Chill." I tell her and she relaxes. Santana's mouth drops as she processes what Amelia just said.

"Okay, well your parents are still sleeping. So keep quiet. I'll get you girls when they leave for their meeting."

I nod and she walks out while shutting the door behind her. Santana giggles and pushes me lightly.

"See what you do!" she says in a loud whisper.

"Oh, shush!" I reply and grab the tray of food. She gets up and takes it from me.

"I got it." she states softly and I smile at how cute she can be. She sets it on the bed and begins cutting the pancake into pieces. An utter feeling of joy fills my body as I watch her. I extend my arm to grab the syrup, but when I turn to face her again, I see she's pointing the whipped cream nozzle towards me. Before I could say anything, she squirts some on my nose and it drops all over my shirt.

"Bad idea!" I say and squirt some syrup on her face. She gasps and begins to chase me. We run around my room squirting the whipped cream and syrup on each other like two children at a sleepover. I jump over my bed and she does the same. Suddenly, she trips over her jacket. My heart drops and I rush to her side.

"San—"

"Ha! Got ya'!" she says with a smile and attacks me so that she's on top of me. I close my eyes and prepare myself for the sticky mess to land on my face, but it doesn't. I open them again to see her staring at me.

"Don't worry," she begins and kisses my nose lightly as she gets up. "I won't do anything."

I giggle and sit up. Moments later, there's a knock at my door again. "Brittany? You can come out now. It's safe." Amelia informs us and I press my index finger against my lips to tell Santana to be quiet. We both start making kissing noises and she freaks out. "Brittany? What are you two doing?"

Then Santana lets out a fake moan and she rushes in with wide eyes. Santana and I laugh hysterically while Amelia struggles to get her heart rate back to normal.

"Ustedes niñas casi me dieron un ataqué de corazon." she says and holds her chest to calm her heart rate.

I giggle and look to Santana. "Huh?"

"We almost gave her a heart attack."

I tilt my head back understandingly and she smiles.

"Okay girls, you two should come down and eat, since all you did was play around." she points out and Santana throws a smirk my way. We walk out and sit on the island across Amelia. She hands us plates with eggs, sausage and pancakes, then we begin eating.

"So ladies, Halloween is coming up. Are you two going to those parties they throw every year?" Amelia asks both Santana and I, but neither of us answer.

"Oh Santana, your mother and I are going trick-or-treating with the kids; just so you know."

Santana nods. "Sounds fun." she states and turns to look at me.

"What are you doing?"

I shrug and wipe my face with a napkin. "I never do anything."

"Come over to my place. I don't do anything either. We could watch scary movies and stuff. I mean, that's if you want. And if you don't want to be alone we could invite—"

"San, breathe."

She takes a deep breath and smiles nervously. "Breathe...right."

"I'd love to." I reply and her face lights up with happiness.

"Okay." she says weakly. Amelia winks at me and I rub the back of my neck shyly. Both of us finish eating and we clean up the mess so Amelia can take a break.

After about twenty minutes, we head back to my room and lie in my bed. She embraces me in her arms as I rest my head on her chest. Her heart beat and sound of her breathing is all I hear. It's calming; like the creek. Her left hand rests halfway across her stomach and I slide my right across to lace them both together. Her skin feels cool, so I cover us with blankets. A smile takes over her lips as I play with her fingers.

"Your aunt was really nice yesterday." I tell her and she giggles. I feel her abs clench and unclench with each breath she takes.

"She likes you a lot. All she talked about when I got home was you. 'Santana, your friend is so beautiful' 'Santana, why don't you invite her over?' 'Santana, what kind of facial cleanser does she use?'"

I laugh and let out a short breath. "Do _you _like me?" I ask in a low tone and her eyes find mine.

"More than anything..." she says weakly and strokes my hair softly. "I thought you knew that."

"I just wanted to hear you say it."

She laughs and I smile widely. Even doing absolutely nothing with her means so much to me.

"Brittany?" someone calls for me from the other side of my door and I begin to fill with panic. It's Arie. Santana looks at me and I instantly jump off her body as if she had some kind of disease. She ducks herself beside my bed and stays as still as possible. "Brittany? Open the door!"

She begins to crawl to the sliding doors and makes it to my balcony. I shut them as softly as I can, but they slam against the rail. Artie barges in and catches a glimpse of her going down the ladder. I know he did because she wasn't to the ground yet. My hands start shaking because of how nervous I am. He looks outside then back at me with an angry look on his face.

"What's going on?" He asks as I shut the curtains and walk to my bed.

"Nothing."

He wheels around my bedroom, looking for evidence to prove me wrong. My eyes land on Santana's jacket. Crapcrapcrap. Please, don't notice. _Please_, don't notice. The feeling in my stomach makes me feel like I committed a crime. He continues to wheel around, but doesn't seem to find anything. I sigh in relief. Suddenly, his chair gets wrapped into something. Santana's sleeve. He goes in reverse and picks up the jacket with a perplexed expression planted on his face.

"Santana Lopez," he reads the lettering and chuckles evilly. "now I know who was here."

I try and grab it from his lap, but he grips on my wrist forcefully. "Don't make this worse, Brittany." he states while clenching his teeth and I let go. I watch him wheel out of my room, but when he makes it to the threshold, my father appears. Now I'm dead.

"Artie, what are you doing here?" he asks him and looks at me with an angry face.

"I stopped by on my way to church." he replies and hands him Santana's jacket. My stomach feels like I was punched in the gut with a metal boxing glove. Artie beckons him to lean down and he whispers in his ear. His face turns bright red. He's angry.

"Thank you." he mumbles and Artie nods as he heads out. My fathers teeth clench along with the jacket in his hand.

"Who was in our home?"

"It was Santana, dad. Chill out."

"There can't be strangers in my house! What if she steals something? She's a poor, poor girl and you let her inside!"

"She won't! She's not like that! You don't even know her, shut up!"

Now you shut up, Brittany. Just shut up.

He throws her jacket in my face. The metal buttons hit my upper lip and I wince in pain. He grabs my arm and pushes me to the floor. I land on my backside and feel a horrible sting run up my spine. He's a lunatic that has absolutely no soul.

"I don't want her in here ever again." he states and walks out while slamming the door behind him. I'm hurting and I need Santana by my side.

_What do you hear?_

"My dad's footsteps. The wind. My crying. And—"

A -clack- sound on my window. I crawl to my sliding doors and peek through the curtains. Santana is standing outside. Panic fills my entire body as I throw her jacket over my shoulder and walk out to my balcony.

"Santana, what are you doing here? I thought you left. If my dad sees you he'll—"

"Brittany," she interrupts me and looks at my upper lip. I try and lower my head, but she just tilts it up so it's more visible. "What happened? Tell me."

I don't respond.

"Tell me now, Brittany." she demands and crosses her arms. I sigh and run my hand through my hair.

"He through your jacket at me because I answered back to him." I respond and hand her the jacket.

"Britt..." she says disappointed and shakes her head.

"He was talking about you, San!"

"Let him talk. Okay? Let him. If you know he's going to hurt you, don't say anything at all. You can't be getting hurt because of me."

I look to the floor and bite my lip, trying to hold back my tears. Her arms wrap around me tightly, as if a tornado were about to strike. And it will. Oh, it will. It just hasn't reached us yet. I sob into her shoulder as she hushes me to try to calm me. Her arms wrap around me tightly, as if a tornado were about to strike. And it will. Oh, it will. It just hasn't reached us yet. But with her, I can conquer any tornado, earthquake and storm that come into my path.

"I'll protect you, Santana." I begin and she holds me tighter because she knows the meaning behind the sentence. "Until I can't anymore..."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note:<strong> Just so you guys know, it's not going to go back and forth. It is going to go somewhere, so just be patient. **_Spoiler Alert:_ **There will be a kiss around November. (: thank you so much for reading!


	13. Wednesday  October 31, 2001

_Scars fade away_

Before school, I was going to tell my parents that I was going over to Santana's, but they didn't really care. Surprise, right? I finish stuffing my books into my locker, then meet Santana out at the McKinley parking lot. She's standing by the curb and as soon as her eyes land on me, she does a gesture in the air. A cab pulls up before us and she reaches for the door so I could get inside. We both smile simultaneously as I slide to the far side of the vehicle. She gets in after me and tells the driver to go across town. Halfway into the ride, I see her fighting to stay awake. She's sleepy. How cute. I wrap my right arm around her neck gently and she leans into me. The feeling in my stomach makes my spine tingle and my heart flutter with joy.

About half an hour later, the cab stops in front of the apartment complex by the mini-mart. I hand the driver a fifty dollar bill and carry out Santana in my arms. Her eyes begin to open slowly. She smiles and wraps her arms around my neck so she won't slip and fall from mine.

"Tell me where to go boss." I tease and pass the elevator to stop in front of some stairs. She giggles as I put her down. We begin to walk up the stairs to her apartment. I step into the entrance of the a small hallway and breathe in deeply. I'm nervous to see her aunt again. Maybe she was just being nice when she told Santana I was beautiful. I look around and everything is so...mistreated. The wallpaper on the wall is coming off and I see mold on the corner of the door frame. This isn't healthy. It can't be. If she and her family lived with me, they'd have better things. I care about Santana and her family. More than I have with any other people in this entire planet. They're like the family I never had.

She leads me to a second empty hall where there are two different doors. The olive green paint is fading and the lights keep flickering on and off. We stop in front of what seems to be her door. G35. She smiles softly at me. I smile back, then nudge her playfully to open the door. She giggles and turns the door knob slowly. I step inside and my eyes land on the decorations all over the walls and coffee tables. Pictures of Santana, her cousins, and her aunt. Paintings of roses and flowers, that I'm guessing Santana did. And so many other things. Then, there are loud footsteps that sound like high heels banging against the wooden floor. All the kids come in front of Adriana as she pushes them ahead gently. A huge smile comes across the woman's face and I finally start to relax.

"Oh Brittany! How are you, mija?" she asks and I giggle as she hugs me tightly. Santana is fixing her cousin's costume as they all prance around her happily.

"I'm okay, thank you. How are you?" I ask and bend down to meet with all the smaller children. She sighs and runs her hand through her hair.

"I've been better. These kids and all their costumes. ¿Que voy hacer?" she says frustrated with a slight smile. She walks into the kitchen to get grocery bags and hands one to each of the kids.

"Remember Santana, no dirty business, okay?" she tells her and winks at me. I bite the inside of my cheek so that I won't let out a loud giggle. When I turn to face her, I see she lowers her head to hide her blush. It's cute. She's cute. They start heading out and I quickly see Santana's smile fade. She quickly goes into the kitchen and takes out a bottle of water. I walk over and stand next to her by the fridge. Her eyes look so lost and hopeless.

"Whats wrong?" I ask softly and stroke her arm lightly. She breathes out deeply and shakes her head.

"Nothing..."

"Tell me."

Our eyes lock, then she averts her gaze to the floor as she crosses her arms. "I told myself I was going to buy them Halloween baskets for their candy, but I couldn't. I didn't get paid enough."

I stand motionless beside her not knowing what to say. "It's okay, San. You-"

"No, Brittany. You don't get it. Look at what you have and look at what I have. You have a house and money and all that. I don't. I have to live off from pay check to pay check trying to get at least a gallon of milk in my fridge."

she holds her head in frustration and kicks her fridge while slamming a drawer shut. My body shivers at her words. I wish she'd just let me take care of her and her family. She's so caring for others surrounding her. I love that about her. Someone just needs to give that back to her. I step closer and she shakes her head, telling me to leave her alone. But I can't. I won't. My arms wrap around her tightly as she tries fighting my grip. Finally, she gives in and sobs while resting her head on my chest.

"Just let me take care of you." I whisper and tilt her head up. Once again, our eyes meet. A small smile comes across her face, but tears still seem to be forming. Her arms rest on my shoulders; around my neck. Faces so close, yet so far apart. My hands run up her thighs, cherishing and making a memory of this very moment. Now they're placed on her waist as she leans against the kitchen counter. She breathes in, then out while staring into my eyes. Our foreheads press against each others and eyes close shut. I feel her warm breath tickle my lips as she lets out a soft sigh. Slowly and ever so gently, her lips brush against mine. They don't touch; just stroke. It's like she's teasing me. I don't mind though. Someone as amazing as her is worth waiting for.

"I'm sorry." she says weakly and plays with the end of my shirt. "I just...I freak out. I didn't mean to take it out on you."

"...you know why you're so lucky, Santana? You may not have money, but you do have people that love you. And I think that's _so_ much better."

Our eyes lock and she smiles softly. "People that love me, huh?"

I smile and glance to the floor shyly. A giggle escapes her lips, then kiss my cheek lightly. My heart rate increases and I can't feel my face. Her eyes land on the small drawer below the TV set while I stare at her longingly.

"What do you want to watch? I have a lot of movies, but I don't know if you're going to like them."

I follow her into her living room and she hands me a stack of DVDs, then goes into her kitchen again. I pick out a random one and give it to her. She pops it in, gets the popcorn with _one_ drink. I stare at it longingly. This is like what couples do. Isn't it? I mean, I've seen movies where they do. Am I really going to share it with her? Holy crap. This is amazing I can't—

"Do you want your own?" she asks me and points to the big cup filled with Coca Cola.

I shake my head immediately. "No, no, no. This is um-, this is fine." I reply with a goofy smile and she nods while grabbing some popcorn from the bowl between us. I reach for a handful and pop some into my mouth.

Forty minutes into the movie and I already feel like something is going to jump from behind the TV and attack me. My heart is beating way too fast. I can barely breathe. The blankets that are covering us are making me uncomfortably hot as we sit on the floor, leaning against the couch. Santana seems so relaxed. So calm. My eyes slowly begin to gaze up her legs, to where her hands are placed. Then our eyes meet. She smiles momentarily and looks back at the TV screen. Her body moves slightly closer to mine. Then, she moves the empty bowl of popcorn to her left along with the cup of soda. My heart is accelerating to its maximum speed and I can't seem to control it. Should I just...hold her? I have no idea how or where to position my hands and make it comfortable. Then, I feel her link her right arm with my left. It's like every nerve in my entire body has just been hit with an electrical current. Her hand slowly traces down and links with mine. Our forearms are gracefully touching each others as if they were meant to be. Like a puzzle.

"Don't be scared." she whispers and rests her head on my shoulder. The way she makes me feel is completely indescribable. To her, I'm worth something. Yet, I'm invisible to the naked eye. No one sees me. If I pass by a group of people with an atomic bomb in my hand, they wouldn't even notice. Except for her. Santana. The girl that found me in a lonely cave and led me out of the darkness. The girl that understands my weaknesses and embraces them as if they were her own.

The room is quiet and the only sound is the continuous beating of our hearts. Suddenly, her arm extends to the small table beside her. She turns off the TV and I quickly jerk my head towards her.

"You were getting scared." she states with a smile and I shake my head rapidly.

"No I wasn't."

"Either it was the movie," she begins to say and pushes the remote away from her path. Our eyes lock and a small smirk plays across her lips. One leg swings to the other side of my body as she straddles my hips. "or something else..." she whispers into my ear twirls a strand of my hair with her index finger. Yes. She's right. It was something else. It was her. I wasn't scared; she should know she makes me nervous. My back is against the couch while I try and keep my cool. Her face is inches away from mine. Not even inches; millimeters. My hands travel up her thighs and get a firm hold of her waist. The grip I have on her shirt tightens and tightens while my nervousness grows. A knot forms in my throat, along with one in my stomach. Her lips. I want them on _me_. I want them on _my_ neck. On _my_ skin. And on _my_ lips. She's leaning in closer and I do the same. Her hand gently comes up and moves my hair from my eyes. My heart is clenching with so affection for this girl. Finally, we're as close as possible. I lean in a little closer and then—

There's a knock at the door. Santana pulls her head back and curses under her breathe. I look up at the ceiling and breathe out.

"Damn, why now?" I ask the empty space above me and slap my palm to my forehead in disappointment. As she gets up to answer it, I follow quickly behind her. She unlocks the door, opens it, then both our eyes meet with Hailey, her twelve year old cousin. I smile and she returns it, but looks down to not meet Santana's gaze.

"Hailey, what are you doing here? I thought you were trick-or-treating."

"I didn't want to go."

"What? Why?" Santana asks and turns on the light outside.

"Where's mom?" she asks and Hailey shrugs. Its cute how she calls her aunt mom. That way she doesn't feel like anything is missing. "You know how mad she's going to be when she finds out you ran away to play with your friend."

"Chill out. Carson was with me." I look down at both girls and smile. They remind me of Santana and I. Carson is a girl with shiny blonde hair and bright blue eyes like mine. Santana glances at me and crosses her arms. "And besides, I told her already. She said we could be in her room."

I look at Santana and give her a small grin. She tucks her hands in her back pockets and let's out a small giggle.

"Okay. Fine, fine." she says and both girls run inside. We both sit back down against the couch and listen to Carson and Hailey's giggling from the other room.

"They're cute." I say and turn my body so that it's facing her. She nods contently and breathes in deeply. "They remind me of these two really cute girls that are _always_ hanging out with each other." I continue.

She giggles understanding the meaning behind the joke. "Carson reminds me of this really cute blonde that annoys me _everyday_."

My mouth drops and I nudge her playfully. "Then maybe you should get rid of her!" I say loudly and attack her. She laughs hysterically and tries fighting me off as we wrestle on the floor. We tire each other out and I end up on top. She's breathing heavily as I hold her arms down to the ground. A huge smile comes across her face and I feel my heart pumping uncontrollably.

"I don't want to get rid of her." she says weakly and looks deeply into my blue eyes. My hands run down her body and I feel it heat up instantly.

"You don't have to." I whisper in her ear and kiss her jawline gently. She breathes in sharply and lets out a nervous chuckle.

"Santana, remember the rules." I hear a voice from the kitchen and stay motionless on her hips. Santana sighs and closes her eyes.

"Geez, Hailey. Not now." she mumbles and I quickly get off of her. My cheeks start heating up, meaning they're changing to a light shade of pink. Santana sits up on her elbows beside me and bites her lip in embarrassment. She's just so freaking cute. Hailey giggles and grabs two juice boxes from the side of the fridge. Her eyes land on Santana and she begins making kissing noises while walking away.

"Very funny." she tells her and runs her had through her hair. "Sorry." she says and breathes out deeply.

"Do you always bring girls home?" I ask while looking down at the floor. From the corner of my eye, I can see she has an 'are you serious' expression planted on her face.

"No, actually. You're the first." she replies and I look up so our eyes meet. We stare at each other momentarily until I avert my gaze to the clock above the TV set. 7:47 pm. "I know what you're thinking, but its not like that."

My eyes find her's once more and they're so sincere and honest. How can I doubt her one second?

"You should know that, Brittany."

I don't say anything. Instead, I smile and press my lips against her cheek. I hear a sigh of relief escape her lips as I lean back in my original position.

Seconds later, someone comes through the front door. Its Amelia, Adriana and the kids.

"Hello, we're home!" Adriana shouts and I giggle. Santana does too, then we see Hailey come out with her friend. Amelia smirks at me and I lower my head so that my blush won't be visible.

"Speaking of home," I say and get up. "I have to go..." I finish and the smile on Santana's face fades away.

"How are you getting there?"

"I'll just take the bus or something."

"Here Santana," Adriana interrupts and throws a ring of keys her way. "take her home." she says with a grin. Santana smiles widely and grabs my hand.

"Wait," I go over to Adriana and give her a hug. "thanks for everything."

She giggles and both her hands grab my right one. "Come here whenever your heart desires."

My heart clenches and I nod repeatedly. I go to Amelia and hug her as well, then Santana and I head out.

As we get into the car, my heart is beating faster than its normally supposed to. Santana inserts the key in the ignition, twists it and the engine roars.

"Is it weird that the thought of you driving is a huge turn on?" I ask while putting on my seat belt. She giggles and puts it in reverse.

"Not really." she replies and turns her back to the end of the car, checking for anything in its way. "I do look pretty hot." she says with a smirk and accelerates to the traffic light before it turns red. A huge smile comes across my face as I watch her hair flow with the slight breeze coming through the window. She reaches for my hand and places it in the middle by the cup holders. My heart thumps. Stops. Turns. I don't know what it does, but it makes me lose my breath. We stop at an ice-cream place a couple of minutes later. It's all too familiar. The chairs. The huge parking lot. It's where my grandma and I came last time. All the butterflies in my stomach soon begin to die out as Santana parks the car. Her hand lets go of mine and I jerk my head towards her.

"You okay?" she asks and strokes the surface of my hand with her thumb. The butterflies come back again and I nod.

"Why are we here?" I ask and she smiles.

"I don't want to take you home yet." she replies shyly. I bite my lip and let out a nervous laugh. She tugs my hand and we walk out. As we walk into the ice-cream parlor, I glance down the rows of different flavors. A guy, about our age, asks me what we want from the other side of the ice-cream tubs.

"I'll have strawberry." I say and look to Santana. "You?"

She shakes her head. "No thanks."

The guy hands me a cup with strawberry ice-cream, then looks to Santana. "How 'bout Butter Pecan?" he suggests with a perverted smirk. My ears are bleeding. This cannot be happening.

"Sorry," I begin and grab Santana's hand. "she doesn't like nuts."

Her mouth opens in awe. She points and laughs at him as we walk out. I didn't pay for my ice-cream. It's okay, it can come off that guys paycheck. We walk to the other side of the parking lot to the car. Immediately, Santana pulls me with her. My waist slams against the back of the car while her hands have a firm hold on my hips. I'm looking down at her and she's looking up at me. She looks at the ice-cream in my hand and smiles.

"Is strawberry your favorite?" she asks in a whisper and I shake my head.

"No, but I know it's yours." I reply and she stares at me longingly. Her hand runs up my thigh and the ice-cream cup drops. She smirks because she knows that when she does that, I lose control. Her hand reaches for mine and I receive it, then open the door to the back seats of the car. The windows are tinted, so no one can see us. I go in first, then she comes in behind me. A smile comes across her face as she straddles my hips. I feel like I'm floating. Hallucinating. Like this is just a fantasy being played in my mind, but it's not. It's real. She's real. The moonlight reflects on her big brown eyes as I stare into them. My breathing becomes heavy. Her index finger presses against my lips and I shiver.

"Shh..." she calms me and licks her lips. I swallow hard, then suddenly, I feel her lips press against my neck. My eyes close and I feel goosebumps rise on my arms.

Holy crap, do that again.

She plants soft kisses down my neck and collar bone as if I were a precious medallion. My hands scratch down her back as I grip her shirt in pleasure. She stops and I slowly open my eyes. Our chests are heaving simultaneously.

"Are you okay?" she asks and I nod with a smile. "did I scare you?"

I shake my head and bring her body closer to mine. "No."

A soft smile comes on her face. She leans in and kisses my forehead gently as she lets out a sigh of relief. "Let's get you home."

What a _tease_. The ride home is silent, but a peaceful silence. Our hands are intertwined once again as she drives to my home safely. We go through the gates of my house and she drops me off at my steps. The light in my parents' bedroom is on, so of course they must be here.

"It's nine o' clock. Are you going to be okay?" she asks in a whisper with a fearful look on her face.

"Yeah, yeah. Thanks for everything. I had fun. _A lot_ of fun, actually."

She blushes and bites her lip shyly. I start to reach for my door and she grabs my forearm suddenly. "Be careful, Britt. Please." she tells me and I nod. She nods too and starts walking backwards while waving good-bye. I wave back and enter my house. My parents are nowhere to be seen, so race up my room. I lie in bed, listening to them argue from the room next door. My mothers shrill cry and my fathers obnoxious shouts never let me sleep. As long as I'm not in between their fights, I'll survive.


	14. Thursday  November 1, 2001

_But memories remain_

I wake up and go down to the kitchen to eat breakfast. Amelia is cooking at the stove. My eyes lock with my mother's while she walks slowly passed me. They're so full of anger and pain; she's hurting.

"Where were you yesterday?" she asks and crosses her arms. The clothes she has on are hanging from her body along with her jewelry. Her shiny blonde hair that usually looks so silky and taken care of, now looks oily and mistreated. She's been drinking.

"I was with a friend."

"You're lying to me!" she shouts and throws a glass cup at me. "You're all lying! Your father. You. Your father. He'd rather be with that scummy old hag from the club than with me!"

My eyes widen I shock. Hag from the club? It's not the first time my father cheats on her. She grabs more liquor from the cabinet and begins pouring herself a glass of wine. The cup falls to the floor and breaks. She stares at it and bends down to pick up the pieces, but I rush to her side and pull her up.

"Get away!" she exclaims and hits my back with the wine bottle. I collapse to the floor and land on the small pieces of glass around the much larger ones. The palms of my hands sting from the small cuts caused by the small glass. At this point, I consider myself lucky. My wrists burn, and I need to feel that pain again. She looks at me with such an evil glare I feel like I might shatter from being so weak. Like such a push over. Cutting makes that feeling go away.

No, Brittany. No. Don't do it. You're better. Remember that.

I get up and try not to dig the pieces of glass further into my skin. A chuckle escapes my mother's lips as she watches me wince in pain. Tears are forming in my eyes. It hurts more than words can describe. Amelia tries helping me, but she swats her hand away. She takes a sip from the large bottle of red wine and sobs loudly. "You and you're father are the same. Same stupid blue eyes. Same stupid face. Same stupid hair. Same, same, same, same." she nags and walks into the living room like a lunatic. Her body flops to the couch like a magnet to metal.

If only she weren't drunk enough to realize I have _her _blonde hair. My father has light brown. I'm not like my father or my mother. We're far from similar.

As I pick up the pieces of glass, my father comes out from his office. Instead of his hair being slicked black, it's all sticking out. His light blue button up shirt is now hanging, instead of being tucked in. He's a mess. His gaze goes from me, to Amelia, to me again.

"Don't listen to her. She's crazy." he mumbles and rubs his weary eyes. "Amelia! Get me my goddamn coffee and newspaper!" he demands and coughs loudly. His elbow bumps into the stand where the bottle of liquor is held and all the glass cups spill and break to the floor. Amelia rushes to do what he asks and I just shake my head ashamed. Ashamed of having such ungrateful parents. The pieces of glass finally come out of my skin and I begin to wash them gently in the sink. Amelia smiles sympathetically at me and I smile back. She hands me a granola bar and I grab my backpack then start walking to the door. Suddenly, my father grabs the end of my backpack and pulls me to him.

"Where are you going?" he asks, still kind of drunk.

"To school."

"No you're not." he hisses and pushes me to the floor. "Clean up that mess."

I don't move myself from my position because the alcohol is stinging the cuts in my hands. It burns. It hurts. And my chest begins to feel pressure. I want to cry, but I can't. Not in front of him.

"Do it! Hurry up!" he shouts and pulls me up. He faces me and raises the back of his hand. Here it goes. More pain.

"I hate you!" I hear a shrill voice to the right of me. His head jerks towards my mom and she's walking clumsily through the living room. "You lie and lie and lie!"

He walks over to her and grabs her wrist. The bottle of wine in her hands drops to the floor and lands on the rug, spilling on the tan colored carpet. Her eyes begin to water because she knows what's coming.

Smack.

My father does it across her face with the back of his hand. A skill he got so use to doing to me. She collapses to the floor weakly and holds her cheek in pain. It's not her first time getting hurt by him. She gets up and I walk over to her to check if she's okay.

"Don't touch me! Don't touch me!" she shouts and pushes my hand away. My father stands from afar and watches her walk upstairs to their bedroom. He coughs loudly and fumbles to get his car keys from his pocket. I rush over to him and take the keys from his hands.

"You were drinking, you can't drive." I tell him timidly.

"Give them back."

"You're drunk."

"I'm not drunk, give them back Brittany or I'll-"

"No."

Smack.

Across my face on my right cheek. The keys fall the floor and he lets out a small chuckle. I don't wince in pain because I can't let him know he hurt me. The sting of his hand is still burning as if he'd been smacking me continuously. He's heading out the door, but I stand in front of him. His chest is heaving from anger and his eyes close and open again in frustration.

"Get the hell out of my way." he states and pushes me away from his path. He heads out and takes the BMW with him, accelerating out of the gates. I start walking up stairs as Amelia walks down. Half a smile comes across her face when our eyes meet, but I immediately break down. She holds my head to her chest and rubs my back trying to calm me down. I feel pain everywhere. I'm at the very brink of the cliff I've been so desperately hanging onto. But then I remember Santana. My mind takes me to her and I'm calm again. Amelia looks at me with worried eyes and wipes my tears.

"I'm fine now." I whisper and head up to my room. She opens her mouth to say something, but I shut the door gently before she does. Those voices are taking over my head again. I just need to calm myself.

Breathe in, and breathe out.

Hours later, there's a knock at the sliding doors to my balcony. I pull the curtains aside and my eyes land on Santana. My heart skips and I begin to panic.

"What are you doing here?" I ask nervously and rub the back of my neck.

"You didn't come to school today, so I brought you your homework..." she replies and follows me with a folder in her hand as I enter my room again. I can feel tension fill the air as she slowly sets her backpack on the floor, beside my bed, and the folder on my dresser. "Did I freak out yesterday? 'Cause if I did you can tell me I'm-"

"No, no, San..." I begin and wave my hands in the air while walking to her. She grabs my wrists and turns my hands so that they're facing up. The small cuts on my palms from the broken glass are visible. Her thumb strokes lightly over one of the cuts, then on my cheek where he slapped me.

"Your cheek is red." she states and I see her teeth clench. Crap, she knows whats going on. "I'm going to fucking-"

She practically throws herself to the door, but I quickly grab her by the waist. Her breathing is heavy and her fists are shaking and clenching in anger.

"Santana, stop."

"How _can_ I stop? How can I stop hurting every time I see a bruise on your body? He's hurting me too, Brittany. When will _he _stop?"

Her eyes begin to form tears. My grip on her waist loosens and I become weak. I collapse to my knees and begin to cry hysterically. Thats the thing. He won't stop. When I was younger, I use to beg and scream for him to stop. But it didn't work.

_Please daddy, I'll be good_  
><em>Please daddy, don't hurt me<em>  
><em>Please daddy, it hurts so bad<em>  
><em>Please daddy, I won't do it again<em>

I don't understand; I never did anything wrong. All I wanted was a father. Was that so bad? To want a father? Every little girl wants a good father. I've always wanted to be daddy's little girl.

Santana holds me tightly in her arms as if a tornado were about to strike. But like I said, it hasn't reached us just yet. I close my eyes and remind myself that she's with me. She's here and with her, I can overpower anything and everything this world decides to put me through. Why? Because she gives me that sense of purpose I need to actually want to stay alive.

"Don't let him see you cry, Brittany. You're better than him." she whispers into my ear and I feel my heart thump. That feeling. I love it. I won't get to feel that if I vanish from this planet.

"I want you with me everyday."

"So stay here." she breathes out and holds me even tighter. I need this. I need _her_. The feeling of oxygen going through my nose and into my lungs happens because of her presence. My breathing quickens and I begin to hyperventilate. She pulls me up by my wrist and quickly takes me to my balcony.

"Breathe in, and out." she tells me and rubs my back gently. I do exactly that and I'm calm again.

"C'mon." she says while grabbing her backpack and leading me down the ladder. We walk into the woods and sit by the creek; a little beside _our _tree. The tension on my muscles disappear as soon as I hear the water streaming down the hills and passed the rocks. My eyes begin to drift shut, then I feel her left arm link with my right. The breeze hits both our faces lightly. If she makes me feel like I matter, I might as well stay because her affection is what's keeping me alive. After a couple of minutes, she walks me to my cabin and we lie on my bed. She lies down on the right side and covers me with the yellow bed sheets I love so much. Her backpack drops down by the corner of the bed and her body turns to face me.

"Right now, I just want you to breathe. Relax. I'm here." she whispers to me and traces her index finger down my shirt as i face the ceiling. Goosebumps prance over my body because her touch stimulates me.

"Can I read you something?" she asks in a low tone and I nod. A deep breath escapes her lips while and leans in to her backpack and pulls out a composition book. That mysterious journal I was staring at the other day. She puts on her glasses and clears her throat.

"_I try so hard to remember your appearance at times_." she begins, then lies back down and embraces me into her. Immediately, I know exactly who this is for.

"_Your eyes. Your cheek bones. Your hair color. But then I remember we shared similar characteristics. We had the same nose. The same lips. The same eye shape. Everything, practically. I remember when we were younger I'd always want to play basket ball, but you'd always want to play with my Barbies. And as we grew, I realized we were the complete opposite from each other. You liked dressing with fancy clothes and ironed pants, while I dressed in jeans and a v-neck. That didn't bother me though. Loving you is in my blood. I can't stop_."

My spine tingles and my heart starts beating like a drum solo. I'm in complete awe as I process every sentence she just spoke. How she writes with so much detail and speaks with so much emotion numbs my body and I feel her pain. I look up and her eyes melt into mine almost instantly. She smiles softly and sits up again to put the notebook in her backpack.

"Let's get you back home." she states and holds out her hand for me to take.

We make it to my balcony and go into my room. I flop onto my bed while she lies down next to me facing the ceiling.

"What's wrong?" I ask and face her. She shrugs and places her hands on her stomach.

"I don't know. It just hits me sometimes and I can't control it." she replies weakly and my heart breaks. I know that feeling and I hate it. It creeps up on you when you least expect it. Most of the time, I can make it through the day without depressing thoughts kicking in, but sometimes, I just want to leave this world. Painlessly. But we all know that's not possible.

"I'm so terrified that one day, I'll wake up and you won't be here anymore." I whisper, but she stays motionless, still facing the ceiling.

"I'm so terrified that one day, I'll call you and you won't answer the phone." I whisper once again and tears begin to form in my eyes. She slowly tilts her head to face me. Her eyes find mine and at that very moment, I realize how fond of her I am. With every word, every glance, and every breath; my heart has managed to find room for more. She is the only person who knows how to read my soul with just one glance. Moments of silence pass, then a tear streams down her face. I embrace her in my arms and close my eyes; remembering the grateful memories I had with my grandparents because I can't help but think that she might want to leave and go with her brother at any second. Her eyes begin to drift shut as my arms stay securely around her body. Mine begin to close as well, then before I knew it, I was dreaming with the angels.

The doorbell rings about ten minutes later, waking me from my sleep, and I sigh in frustration and look at Santana. Her eyes begin to open slowly.

"Brittany! Get the door!" my mother shouts from the living room. Santana gets up along with me and I shake my head.

"Don't. I'll be fine, San." I tell her in a low tone and she presses her lips together, not sure of what to say next.

"Fine, but if I hear you scream or anything I'm running down there."

I kiss her cheek and shut my bedroom door on my way out. As I go answer the front door, from the corner of my eye, I see my mother watching from the couch. She slowly gets up and steps a couple of feet behind me. Once it opens, my eyes land on a police officer holding my father by the arm with handcuffs on his wrists.

"Deputy Dave Perry." he states and pushes my father inside. "He was driving under the influence. Don't let it happen again."

I nod and look at my father.

"Get these handcuffs off! I didn't pay you two grand for nothing!" he shouts and wiggles his arms trying to take off the cuffs. The cop gets the keys and unlocks them. Our eyes meet and I swear I've seen his face before.

"You haven't ran away I see." he says with a grin and immediately, I remember who he is.

"Next time you stop by, I might not even be here." I say nonchalantly and he stares at me with a blank expression.

"Have a good evening." he finishes and walks to his cop car. I'm scared to close the door, so I close it slowly as my father makes his way up to his bedroom.

"Dumbass." my mother huffs rudely and my father turns around with an angry expression upon his face.

"What?"

Before my mother opens her mouth to speak, I quickly shut her up with my hand.

"Nothing." I reply for her and he pierces his evil eyes into my body while taking his former path.

"Get away from me!" mother shouts and pushes me away from her. My heart crumbles like paper because that's how weak I am. She walks clumsily in front of me to the kitchen and I got back upstairs to my room. Santana is sitting up on my bed, staring at the pictures on my dresser, but then her eyes land on me.

"Your dad?" she asks in a whisper and I nod, then sit down next to her as she lies down facing me.

"One day, when he needs you at his weakest, he'll start missing you. And at that very moment, he'll realize he's too late. Way too late."

My eyes lock with hers. I feel like I'm slowly breaking down as my body sits on my bed like a statue. A sigh escapes her lips while she wraps her arms solely around my body. It's amazing how a simple gesture like a hug can make you feel so much better. Sometimes thats all a person needs. A hug. A simple hug can do so many things. Her soft lips kiss my head lightly and I take in her body heat. The thumping of her heart beat calms me and whispers in my ear; telling me I have a purpose to be on this planet.

We separate, and a weak smile takes over her lips. "I have to go, Britt. My shift starts in an hour."

I nod and walk to her the balcony. Her hand intertwines with mine and I don't want to let go. Once again, she places a chaste kiss on my cheek. My body shudders and my heart accelerates faster than the velocity of a racecar. A smile plays across her face and then I mirror her expression.

"Don't cry anymore." she states and strokes my cheek lightly. "Bye." she whispers and starts going down the ladder.

"Bye." I respond breathlessly as I watch her walk passed the gates. Now all I'm thinking about is the day I get the courage to actually _kiss _her and not just kiss her cheek or forehead. I want to taste her and take in her lips like I've so desperately wanted to for weeks now. After all the horrifying events that have happened in the past, they suddenly seem so little now that I have her. Sometimes, when you need someone, it turns out that they need you too. They need your warmth. Your trust. And you're so willing to give; they just need to give it back.


	15. Tuesday  November 13, 2001

_The thought of your presence_

Right now, I'm at the library in McKinley, sitting on the floor in the 'science fiction' section of books. I woke up a little early to come here so I wouldn't be at home. Anything is better than being at home.

"Hey," I hear someone say and look up. It's Santana. "I knew you'd be here." She finishes and sits down next to me. I giggle and shrug.

"I like being here."

My eyes don't meet with hers any longer because they're glued to the book. _Catcher in the Rye_. She takes the book from my lap and scans through the pages. I watch her patiently as she finally finds the sentence she was searching for.

"_Don t ever tell anybody anything_..." she begins and our eyes meet. They fill with such intensity and passion, I can barely handle it. My heart flops and twists like a pretzel. "_If you do, you start missing_ _everybody._.."

I breathe in deeply and smile. The way she reads hits this nerve in my heart and sends electrifying signals throughout my body.

"Anyway, I wanted to talk to you." she begins and I can feel her tense up. My eye brows furrow as she fidgets in place. The beat of my heart is thumping abnormally and I can't hear my own thoughts. A small smile comes across her face and the pressure I was building up in my heart slowly vanishes.

"There's a carnival at school this Thursday because they're raising money for the breast cancer foundation and I wanted to know if you wanted to come with me..." her eyes avert to the floor as she bites her lip nervously. "Quinn's taking Rachel, Blaine is taking Kurt, Mike is taking Tina and-"

"You're taking _me._" I finish her sentence and she breathes out deeply. I smile and bite my lip. Our eyes lock once again. She looks so nervous, its adorable. "Like...a date, right?"

"...uhh Y-yeah."

"Okay. I'll go."

"Kay." she breathes out in relief and starts tapping her feet together nervously. A huge smile comes across her face as she fixes the glasses on her nose. My heart rate quickens as my eyes stay glued to her. She's facing the space ahead of us and I'm just taking in her beauty. I can't get enough. It'll never be enough.

She tilts her head a little to face me, then kisses my cheek. She looks to my right and raises her eyes brows. When I turn to look, I see a guy. The hood from his jacket is half way on his head, so I can't see his face. He stands there momentarily, then walks away to another book aisle.

"What was that?" I ask in a low tone and she shrugs.

"That was weird. Do you know him?"

I shake my head with a small smirk playing across my lips. "No, but does he make you jealous?"

She shrugs carelessly. "Not really. I just think he needs to try harder because I hardly even try and already got you."

I giggle and nudge her playfully. "You're delusional." I say and lean back against the book shelf. She raises her eye brows and nods.

"Oh really?" She swings her right leg over my body and sits gently on my lap. I swallow hard, then let out a short breath. "Who's delusional now?" she whispers in my ear and grips on the hem of my shirt. My eyes drift shut while I take in the sensation of her warm breath. Her lips brush against my earlobe ever so lightly, then kiss my jaw. I let out a deep sigh and open my eyes once again. From the corner of my eye, I see a group of freshman watching us from the end of the aisle. Santana smiles at me and turns her head in their direction.

"Go away, perves!" she shouts and they giggle while running away. "Its the closest they'll ever get to porn." she whispers to me. I laugh and she gets off of my lap. The first bell rings as I take her hand to stand up and walk to English.

Fast forward hours later, and we're in gym class.

I finish changing into my P.E. uniform while she continues to change into hers.

"Crap." she says under her breath and holds her shirt against her breasts. My eyes widen.

"What's wrong?" I ask and glance up and down her body.

"My bra just unsnapped."

I look down at the upper part of her back and see her hot pink bra. My eyes absorb the mesmerizing presence of her body. First, down at her tattoo. Then, at the rest of her structure. Her neck. Her curves. A strained breath escapes my lips as my windpipe tightens.

"Can you...?"

"O-oh yeah, yeah." I reach for one end of the silk material and then for the other. They clasp together perfectly, like a puzzle. My finger slightly grazes over her lower back while coming down from my former position.

"There...all done." I whisper, but she stays motionless. She reaches for the hair tie holding her pony tail, then gently yanks it off. Wavy, dark brown hair falls down her shoulders and all I can do at this moment is take in her captivating beauty. My hand brushes the hair placed on her left shoulder as she stares at my every move. Slowly, I lean in and press my lips against her soft skin. Her head tilts slightly in my direction and I can see a soft smile take over her face. A knot forms in my throat and I begin to hyperventilate. Forever I will remember this moment. Our hands lace together and she pulls me closer.

"C'mon, or we'll get in trouble." she says and leads me out the locker room exit. My heart stampedes like a wild horse through a grassy plain. It's just what she does to me.

Hours later, I stand before the vending machines, quickly rummaging through my pockets for money. The halls are empty, so I'm guessing I'm kind of early. 12:24 pm. The lunch bell doesn't ring for six minutes or so.

"Hey sweetie," a random guy starts coming my way. He stands to the left of me and watches me eagerly. My body becomes stiff at the movement of his slowly moving closer to me. "looking for cash? 'Cause I can give you that."

His hand grazes my arm lightly, then reaches for my wrist.

"I can make you like _men_." he hisses in my ear and I shiver, then try and fight away from the grip he has on my forearm.

"Let go!" I demand, then kick and fidget with all my might. As soon as I try and kick for his groin, he pushes me up against the vending machine and my back slams against the weak plastic; making a loud pang noise. One of his rough hands cover my mouth while I try and yell for help. My throat screeches and burns, desperately trying to call for anyone to hear me. Footsteps are beginning to sound much louder from the other end of the hall, resulting in him taking me a dim corner.

"C'mon baby, I'm the hottest guy in school. You have to want me at least a little bit." he whispers in my ear and I shiver in disgust. His dry lips begin kissing my neck. The feeling in my stomach makes me want to vomit. This can't be happening. His harsh hand slides up my thigh, ready to unbutton my jeans. With my mouth still concealed by his palm, I let out one last loud screech and hope someone hears my cry for help. Suddenly, someone comes up from behind and with one punch, he's on the floor. All I noticed was the black flash from his jacket, along with the white lettering. His hood is covering his face. I can't tell who it is, but all I know is that he has blonde hair.

"Run." he demands while holding the other guy down and breathing heavily. At this moment, I can't even think. "Hurry!" he shouts and punches him one last time to make him weak. I glance at the blonde, but his face doesn't turn in my direction. Bloodstains are on the light beige colored floor and my heart sinks. Blood. I haven't seen that much in a while. And I hope it stays that way. As was walk away, I notice that the back of his jacket has imprinted:

**GOODBYE**

When I get to my locker, I can't help but replay the horrid event in my head. Finally, the bell rings for lunch and all the students begin to pour out of the classrooms. My body is against the lockers, still trying to process what just happened.

"Hey," Santana greets me and I jump slightly. "ready?"

My heart starts beating at a normal pace as soon as my eyes meet hers. Her smile radiates stronger than any star I've ever witnessed. I breathe in, then out deeply. "Yeah."

"Is something wrong?" she asks the dreaded question I was trying to hard to avoid. I can't lie or she'll know. She always knows. "Tell me." She demands, but first, I take her to the cafeteria and sit down. The very moment I inform her, she fills with rage. Her eyes turn a dark, dark brown and her jaw clenches. Quinn and Rachel come through the cafeteria entrance and immediately notice Santana's angry appearance.

"Where is he?" she shouts and stands up abruptly as the chair falls back to the floor.

"S, what are you " Quinn tries to grab her, but she slips away. I instantly run to her side and grab her forcefully.

"Santana calm down, please." I urge and make her face me. "remember that one more fight will get you expelled."

And no more _us_.

"I'm fine..." I finish.

Her breathing quickens, but then her eyes meet mine and it's normal again. My thumb wipes the angry tear streaming down her face. A short breathe expels from her mouth and I sigh in relief. I'm glad I managed to calm her before she went on a hunting spree.

"C'mon," I whisper and lace our hands together. Quinn hands me our things and pats my back proudly. Nothing matters anymore. I don't even care if I miss the rest of the school day. We exit the front doors of McKinley and walk to the creek. She sits beside me, inches away from our tree, and breathes out deeply. My hand is still laced with hers; I feel her scars gently rub against mine while she adjusts her position. Her breathing blends in with the sound of the running water going passed the small rocks and large boulders.

"Instead of coming here, I think of you..." I begin and tighten my grip on her hand. "and I don't feel like... doing _that_ anymore."

Her eyes avert from the water to me. Immediately, I feel a dozen pieces of glass vanish from my bleeding heart. She scoots closer to me and rests her head on my shoulder; where it fits perfectly. I wrap my arm around her and absorb all the passion she's giving off. It's intoxicating and I can never get enough.

For a couple of minutes, we sit and watch the water, then go inside my cabin. She walks into her room and sits on the chair in front of the easel.

"Can you sit over there?" she asks and puts on the apron covered with blobs of paint. I nod and sit on the floor, next to a bunch of extra blankets and pillows. She's staring at me adoringly with the cute glasses resting on her nose. Her finger pushes them up, to keep them from falling off, then her eyes avert to the blank board-like structure in front of her as she reaches for the brush. My heart gives off more energy than the sun on a summer day. Never will I understand why anyone would want to cause her any harm. She's mesmerizing. When I gaze into her direction, I remember beauty is simple; make-up is no longer necessary and flaws are demolished.

Suddenly, she puts the brush down, takes off the apron and tosses it to the side. My eyes stay glued to every movement she's making. She starts walking towards me and I breathe in deeply. I sit Indian style in the blankets, while she mirrors my position. Her hand caresses my left cheek and I sigh, like if she were draining all the bad and letting in nothing but the good. It doesn't even feel like I'm on earth anymore. She manages to take me somewhere else.

"As long as I'm here, no one will ever touch you like that again." she whispers weakly and a soft smile takes over my lips. Her eyes fill with a somber expression. This is hurting her way too much. I reach for her hand and kiss it lightly. The color in her eyes change to a lighter brown and her face soon relaxes. My lips press against her forehead and her eyes close and she seizes the amount of energy my body is giving off. With her in my presence, I forget all the dreadful incidents I have encountered. As if she erased my memory, then filled it with new ones that involve us.

"Can I give you something?" she asks and I nod. She grabs her backpack and takes out her journal. That journal she read to me the other day. "Read it." she whispers and swallows hard.

"A-are you sure?"

She nods and lets a tear roll down her cheek. I wipe it before it even has time to fall. "Everything will make sense when you read it."

I embrace her in a tight hug while she sobs quietly into my shoulder. My heart shatters because I can't stand seeing her cry.

Minutes later, I notice her eyes seem to be closing slightly as she fights to stay awake. I lay her down on the pillow beside me and cover her with blankets. Next thing you know, she falls into a deep sleep. I watch her momentarily, then grab her journal and open to the second page; where she had stopped reading to me.

_At times I try to remember your smile. Or the way you'd say my name when I told you something funny. The way you'd protect me from strangers when we stepped outside our home. I wish I had done that-protected you. But by the time I realized the endless damage you had encountered, it was too late. For me. For you. For us. For everyone._

_I should have known that your cry for help was silent because you always seemed to care for others surrounding you. Tried making them smile and laugh while you were dying inside._

_Oh, and your cologne. Can't forget that. I smell it every now and then. How you'd dab some on your neck and wrist before you went out. We were just kids then. About fourteen, going on to fifteen. You never had the chance to fall in love. Or have children. Or even graduate. You were yanked right before me. And I couldn't stop it._

A tear streams down my face and lands on the page below me. I understand why she's so protective of me now; with all the bullies, my parents, the strangers. She built her life around me and now she can't tear it down. Its like she was meant for me and I was meant for her. We were meant for each other.

I feel her fidget in place and jerk my head in her direction. Her eyes drift open, then lock with mine.

"How long was I asleep?" she asks in a husky tone and rubs the sleep from face.

"Not much."

"It's weird 'cause I can never fall asleep at night. I don't know how I managed to just now."

"Why?"

She shrugs carelessly and breathes in deeply. Then, she places her hands on her stomach as I put the journal in my backpack.

I smile at the thought of her being able to sleep while I'm in her presence. "Its almost three..." I inform her and gather our things.

"Crap, I have to go to work."

My smile fades away. She sits up and kisses my shoulder lightly, trying to cheer me up.

"Can I take you?" I ask hopefully and she shakes her head rapidly.

"No, no, no, Britt. It's way too dangerous."

I sigh in frustration and struggle to get up. She grabs my wrist and pulls me closer to her. I close my eyes and take in the warmth of her body radiate against my skin. Suddenly, I don't feel so angry anymore. She wraps her arms around my neck and mine go around her waist; where they rest perfectly.

"Don't do that..." she whispers against my lips and I press my forehead on hers. A strained breath escapes my mouth while I try and control the rhythm of my heart. My eyes remain closed and my back begins to tingle. Finally, I've found the person who makes me a necessary part of their life. If her heart beat starts to slow down, so will mine because we need each other. Our hearts beat for one another and once they stop, it'll be simultaneously. Like its supposed to be.


	16. Thursday  November 15, 2001

_Just heals the pain_

It's an ordinary day and William McKinley High School. English class just ended; now I'm headed for History. I stumble into class and slowly stop when I see every one standing around.

"What's going on?" I ask a blonde haired guy next to me and he looks around. He presses his plump lips together and sighs. I've never seen lips like his on any man.

"Changing seats." he replies seriously.

"Oh, fun."

"That's what _I_ said." he states nonchalantly while glancing around the classroom. I laugh, until the teacher calls his name to take his new seat. He walks to his seat and on his way there, he adjusts his black jacket.

**GOODBYE**

Where have I seen that? Next, the teacher calls my name and points to the seat behind him. I walk to the vacant desk and sit down. The teacher continues to assign seats to the rest of the students, so I decide to pull out a book and read.

"I'm not sitting next to a dyke." a guy with curly brown hair says aloud and throws an evil grin my way. I stop reading and swallow hard. Of course that statement was aimed at me. I glance at him, but don't meet his eyes. It's Lindsay's boyfriend. I know because I saw them sucking face by her locker the other day.

"Hey, cool it!" the guy with blonde hair I was talking to earlier exclaims and pushes the guy that said that to me. They get up and stare at each other as if one were going to attack at any second.

"Sam. Tanner. Sit down or you will both go to the principals office." the teacher announces and they both take a seat. The guy with a surfer hair style glares at him and shakes his head ashamed. His blonde hair and blue eyes radiate with sympathy as he looks my way. He smiles; a friendly smile. Not one of those flirty smiles. Before I could react, he walks over and sits in the empty seat the guy with curly hair was supposed to sit in.

"I got your back." he whispers and pats his chest. I giggle and thank him.

About half an hour later, the dismissal bell rings. I clear my throat awkwardly and sprint to catch up to him before he leaves class. My index finger taps his right shoulder and he turns around. "Do I know you?" I ask and breathe out deeply.

"I don't know," he begins and positions his hood half way on his head. "do you?"

A small smile plays across his lips as he begins walking away once more. My eyes land on the back of his jacket.

**GOODBYE**

It's him. I know it's him. He saved me. Quickly, I race to his side and walk with him.

"I'm Sam." he says with a wide smile. Either it's his smile or his big lips. "Sam Evans."

"Brittany." I reply in a soft tone and he nods.

"So, can I have some tips on getting girls?" he asks, but not meeting my gaze. We enter the cafeteria, then begin walking slower. He looks over to Santana from across the room and a soft smile comes across his face. "I see your girlfriend is pretty cute. Santana Lopez..."

"Who did you-?"

"I heard." he says with a shrug and I nod understandingly. That sounds so...right. _Girlfriend_. It fits perfectly in my mouth, but I don't have the honor of calling her that...yet.

"She's not my girlfriend..." I reply shyly and he scoffs playfully.

"Well, anyway. You know any single ones?"

I smile, think for a moment, then nod. "My friend Mercedes."

He smiles and licks his lips. "Cool. Cool. When can I meet her?"

"The carnival that's going on tonight. She'll be with our group."

He nods and clenches his fist into a ball. "Pound it, bro." he says with a chuckle.

I giggle and gently pound my knuckles against his.

"Later, Pierce."

I wave goodbye and head for the tables. My eyes land on Santana, Quinn, Rachel, Mercedes, Kurt, his boyfriend: Blaine, Tina and Mike. Everyone. Santana comes up next to me and links her arm with mine. I tell Mercedes about Sam and she jumps excitedly. She and Kurt run out of the cafeteria talking about outfits. Santana smiles at me and nudges my shoulder playfully.

"You're like Cupid."

I giggle and look to the floor. If only I could figure out _my_ love story. _My_ fairy-tale. She lowers her head to meet my gaze and hands me a bottle of apple juice. I smile and thank her as she strokes my cheek lightly. Her kind gestures make my heart skip like a pebble to water.

Fast forward hours later, and I'm getting ready for the carnival. Butterflies travel around my stomach persistently, ever since I came home they've been going on and on. It's just what she does to me. I call a cab and make sure my hair is done properly, then head to McKinley.

The carnival is going to be at the huge parking lot behind the school. Santana told me to meet her at the very front of the entrance. When I show up, I see a huge banner with the breast cancer ribbon. There's pink everywhere. Pink ice-cream, pink cotton candy, pink lemonade. The games are even pink. It's cute. I wonder if Santana likes it. My eyes land on her from the entrance. She's wearing tight white pants and a hot pink blouse with a matching headband. My heart is skipping beats every couple of seconds as she walks towards me.

"Hey," she greets me and looks at me from head to toe. "You look...beautiful."

And so does she.

"Thanks." I say. "So do you..."

My cheeks are burning red, I can feel them. As we walk she looks around and scrunches her face.

"What? You don't like pink?"

"Its not my thing, I guess. Red is more..._me_." she replies and breathes out. "but I like how you look in it."

A smile takes over my lips and I can feel myself blush once more.

We begin walking and see Quinn with Rachel, Mike with Tina, Blaine with Kurt, and Mercedes with Sam. My eyes lock with Sam's and he smiles while mouthing thank you to me. After a couple of minutes, everyone splits up and now it's just Quinn, Rachel, Santana and I. Rachel drags me to the Future Love Teller booth, leaving Santana and Quinn behind. They're standing there, and either Quinn is talking to herself or she's talking to Santana. Santana doesn't seem to be paying attention much because I can see her looking at me from the corner of my eye. It makes me smile. Rachel nudges me and giggles.

"Why are you so happy?" she asks and I shrug. The woman at the booth begins to do some weird movements with her hands as smoke from a machine goes into the open air.

"Your future love will have beautiful chocolate brown eyes that will make you weak with each glance." the old woman says with her eyes closed and Rachel smirks at me. My eyes lock with Santana's from afar and I immediately feel a rush of energy burst inside me. "Be careful they don't look in another direction because you will need them at your worst. If you must protect them from harm, do it without selfishness. Whatever you let go, it will come back." she finishes and jerks her eyes open. My heart stops. What did she mean by that? Was this even real? I don't usually believe in this kind of crap, but my gut is telling me otherwise.

"Did you hear that, Brittany? My future love will live with me in New York!" Rachel says happily and links her arm with mine. "We'll live in an apartment paid by my dads with a black Range Rover and and endless supply of money in our savings account." she continues to talk and we show up next to Quinn and Santana again. Rachel begins to tell Quinn about what the woman had said and I giggle.

"Rachel seriously believes in that stuff?" Santana asks with a slight giggle and I shrug.

"I guess so."

"What'd she tell you?"

"Mm," I put my index finger on my chin and begin to think. "that my future love will have beautiful chocolate brown eyes."

Our eyes lock. "Do you believe it now?" I ask in a whisper and she swallows hard. My palms begin to sweat and my breathing quickens.

"Um-uhh, do you want something to eat?" she changes the subject and points at the hot dogs a couple of feet away. I shake my head, telling her I don't want anything and she nods.

"How 'bout cotton candy? I want some of that."

She's nervous. Her eyes don't meet mine at all as we walk to the cotton candy stand. She asks the man for a small bag of the pink fluff and he gives it to her. I set down a dollar bill and grab her wrist leading her away because I know she'd want to pay.

"Britt! Why'd you do that?"

"Oh be quiet, San. You act like I killed someone."

She puts on a serious face and I giggle. "What? Aw c'mon! Don't be mad." I say and pinch her cheek lightly. She can't suppress her grin. A giggle escapes her lips as she opens the bag.

"Fine, but you have to eat some too." she says and pulls some pink fluff from the transparent bag. I refuse and start walking backwards. Her eyes narrow and she grabs both my hands to prevent me from covering my mouth.

"Sanidonwanany!" I mumble with my mouth shut and she laughs.

"Don't talk to me for the rest of the night." she tells me and begins to walk away. She's joking. Well, at least I hope she is. My heart stops none the less, and I walk quickly to her, wrapping my arms around her neck from behind and lean down into her. She's pretty short, compared to myself. Our height difference makes it perfect. We're perfect. She laughs and holds my forearm so she won't trip and fall.

"Please don't stop talking to me." I beg her playfully. She narrows her eyes and taps her chin as she thinks for a moment.

"Fine, but you still need to eat some." she replies and turns around. I open my mouth for her to feed me and she drops a small amount of cotton candy into my mouth.

"Mmm..." she murmurs and I gently nudge her. Quinn and Rachel walk in front and lead us to a lemonade stand. I put my left hand in my back pocket and wait beside Santana. She links her right arm with my left and moves closer to my body. We fit together perfectly. Her warm breath leaves a trail of vapor into the night sky. My head tilts down to look at her, then our eyes lock. They're reading me. Maybe she knows that I want her. At the same time, i never really wanted someone to have me. Why? So they could take advantage of me? Psh, yeah right. My walls are meant to stay up, not be broken down. But then I look at her; and I just _don't_ care. Sometimes, I'm just scared. If I give someone my trust and they misuse it, I have to start all over again. My father use to do that all the time. He'd tell me he wouldn't hurt me ever again, then the next minute, he'd punch me in the face. Or pull my hair. I'm not so gullible anymore.

Moments later, I feel Santana tug on my jacket. She presses her index finger on her lips, telling me to be quiet. I nod and she quickly takes me away. We run into the halls of McKinley and struggle for air. Suddenly, she starts cracking up and I jerk my head towards her.

"What are you laughing at?" I ask her, still trying to catch my breath.

"Imagine Rachel's face. She's going to think aliens abducted us or something."

I start laughing along with her. She leans against the lockers and I do the same next to her.

"Britt," she begins and steps closer. "you got some..." she wipes the side of my mouth with her thumb and laughs. "cotton candy." she finishes and her beautiful chocolate brown eyes meet mine. There are footsteps coming from the other end of the hall. Yet, no one is there.

"Did you hear that?" I ask her and she nods.

"Maybe it's just the janitor." she replies with a shrug. All of a sudden a bright white light flashes from down the hall. Then, there are people laughing and whispering.

"What was that?"

"Maybe it's the alien's space probe." she says playfully and smiles. I giggle. Maybe it was just one of the games outside or something. Her breathing is heavy and I can hear her heart beat. Or it might be both of ours. My mouth is dry and my hands are sweaty as I stand motionless next to her. Her lips are glossy with a slight shade of pink and her eye shadow makes her eyes stand out perfectly. She smiles and sucks her bottom lip nervously.

"San, can I...?"

"...what?" she breathes out. I lean in closer. She's not moving or scrunching her face in disgust. Nothing. So I keep going. My breathing rate increases without limit along with hers. What should I do? Should I stop or is it too late? I'll just lean in. Before I even have time to think, our lips touch. I could feel a wave I electricity pang through my body and strike her too. She felt it. I know she did. Her tongue slips into my mouth slightly, not too much. Just right. My hand tangles in her brown locks and her's grabs a hold of my waist, pulling me in closer. Her hand bangs against the locker behind me, keeping us balanced, as her other hand stays on my waist. My back is against the cold surface of the locker while our lips are still moving with each others. We separate and she stays speechless in front of me. A smile comes across her face. I was scared for a moment; maybe she didn't like it. She breathes in, then breathes out and so do I. My heart is beating too fast, too loud and too much. I'm guessing neither of us know what to do next, so we just stand in place; taking in each others presence. I sense goosebumps crawl up my arms as her body heat radiates against mine. A smile comes across her face and she wipes some excess lip gloss off my lower lip. She starts stepping back, but I place my left hand on her lower back to pull her closer.

"You're scared," she whispers and I feel her warm breath against my lips. "Stop me..." she says and fills the empty space between us. My breathing is increasing with every stroke, every touch and every word she's saying.

"No." I reply breathlessly and fill the empty gap between our lips. They touch once again and I feel my heart merge with hers as if our tongues are making this connection. Her hand runs up my right thigh and slips into my back pocket. My heart is bursting with the urge to kiss the rest of her caramel skin and see if it tastes as amazing as it looks. Never in my life have I ever had this sincere attraction to a person.

Rachel walks in from the school doors along with Quinn moments later. Our eyes lock and her mouth drops. Quinn's eyes widen and a huge smirk plays across her lips.

"So this is where you guys were!" Quinn says loudly and does a small fist pump to Santana. "You go, S!"

Santana lowers her head and blushes. I giggle and bite my lip shyly. Rachel slaps Quinn on the arm lightly and drags her back out while winking at me from over her shoulder. My eyes lock with Santana and she laughs while separating from my grip. I've never been so happy in my entire life. It's so weird how someone can come into your life and be everything you've dreamed of. Maybe even more.

She grabs my hand tightly and we go back out from where Quinn and Rachel were coming in. We walk in front of a game and she hands the man a ticket. The water gun unlocks before us and she begins to squirt. Bottles knock down in a domino pattern. My eyes widen in amazement and she laughs. The man hands her a large, light brown teddy bear with a breast cancer ribbon by its heart.

"Here," Santana hands me the stuffed animal. My heart shrivels like a raisin and fills with happiness. Our eyes lock and I can see that sparkle shine brighter than the moonlight. After all the time we've been together, I learned how to read her; only because she taught be. It's like it rubbed off on me or something.

"Oh, I got an idea." she states with a smile and grabs my hand, leading me to a large, rectangular, pink object. It's a photo booth. She inserts a ticket and we go inside. I look down at her and she's patting her lap.

"C'mon." she says with a giggle and I shake my head.

"I'm heavy."

"oh, yeah right." she replies unconvinced. Her arm pulls my waist in and sits me down on her thighs. Words cannot describe my current emotions at this very moment. Her warmth. Her touch. Her voice. Everything I need in one person.

"Okay, ready?" she asks with a tighter grip around my waist. I nod and laugh at the fact that the teddy bear is taking up half the space. The camera snaps about five small pictures of us. We print out two copies and she hands one to me. More memories. A wide smile takes over her lips as her eyes scan up and down the rectangular piece of paper.

"Um, it's almost nine and Adriana let me borrow the car. Want me to drive you home?" she asks and holds the picture in her hand safely. I nod and we start walking to her car.

When we arrive at my house, she turns the car off as quietly as possible and walks me to my balcony. First, I go up the ladder and hop onto the ground. She comes up behind me, but stays standing on the second to last step of the ladder.

"You can't come up?"

"Maybe next time, Britt. I'm getting a cold and I don't want you to get sick."

I roll my eyes and set the big teddy bear aside. My arms wrap around her neck as hers go around my waist. Her eyes pierce holes into my pupils as she looks into them ever so calmly. My eyes scan her precious face continuously. Her rosy nose. Bright smile. Big brown chocolate eyes. They just take my breath away.

It's getting harder and harder for her to breathe because of her stuffy nose, so I grab a hoodie from my closet and hand it to her. The back of it says my name in cursive gray and yellow letters from when I was in ballet.

"Thanks." she says in a nasal tone and sniffs. I giggle and embrace her in a warm hug. Her hands hug my lower back tightly, then loosen quickly.

"You're going to get sick."

I sigh and nod. "Fine..." I state and kiss her cheek, but linger for a couple of moments. Then, my lips capture hers. Our tongues collide and our lips exchange movements, but then we stop gradually. She swallows hard and breathes in deeply.

"_Now_ you're going to get sick." she tells me and I shrug. It was worth it.

"I don't care. Go. You need to rest." I demand and stroke under her weary eyes gently. She nods and starts walking down. My heart speeds up rapidly at the thought of our kiss. I bite my lower lip shyly as she waves goodbye and walks back to her car. Now I don't have to wonder what it's like to kiss her anymore. Its an unexplainable feeling and an indescribable sensation. Our lips match perfectly; like a key to a lock. We're meant to be. No question. We just are. The sun doesn't shine without her. My heart doesn't beat without her. And I don't have a purpose without her.


	17. Thursday  December 20, 2001

**Author's _special_ note:** I know not many people read this, but if you are, thank you so much. This story has been a relief in writing it because the feelings Brittany expresses are much of my own. Depression, suicide and bullying are serious situations and sometimes, all a person needs is help. So if any of your thoughts ever make you want to take your life, it'd be amazing if you'd remember this story. Someone out there will have room in their heart for you. Like Santana for Brittany, and the other way around. It may not seem like it right now, but it's true. Just hang in there. And if you guys didn't notice, the last chapter (16) had many examples of foreshadowing. Hope you guys caught them, 'cause who knows what this _Journey to Love_ will bring. Thanks again.

* * *

><p>I don't want to be here<p>

It's winter break and I'm lying in bed next to her. Santana. She came really early; around 5:30 because she walked the dogs for a while. Now, its 8:32 am. The early morning sun is barely rising through the dew-like surface of the window, hitting Santana's face. She shivers and I extend my arms to cover her with blankets. Her caramel skin shimmers along with her moist lips. The movement of her chest rising and descending for air makes me feel complete. That's how I know she's here. My eyes shift closed slowly, but then open abruptly when I hear a bedroom door slam shut. Santana sits up quickly and races to the closet. Her jacket falls to the floor and lands beside the corner of my bed.

"Brittany!" I hear my father shout and bang on my door. It opens frantically, then my eyes land on him. He's in his usual gray suit and light blue tie. "we're going to breakfast with the Abrams. Get dressed."

"I don't feel good. I'll stay." I reply and stand by Santana's basket ball jacket, hoping he won't notice. I can hear her rapid breathing from the closet and my heart beat through my ears.

He huffs in frustration and clenches his teeth. "Your mother and I will be out the whole day promoting the restaurant. Eat what's in the fridge." the door slams shut and I sigh in relief. Santana slowly emerges from behind the closet door. I giggle ever so quietly and she finally lets out the last breath she had been holding in. The BMW in the driveway roars and that's when I know they're gone.

-Hours later-

Santana grabs a snack from the kitchen and we go up to my room. She sits Indian style on the floor and I do the same a couple of feet away. My hand rummages through the drawer beside me and I pull out what I was looking for.

"Look, Amelia bought it for me from the mini-mart. Check this out," I hold up the magazine and flip to the last page. "its a quiz." I finish and she looks at me weird.

"A quiz? I hate quizzes."

"This is fun though! Ready?"

She nods and pops some chips into her mouth.

"Okay, there are three categories: friend, lover, and soul mate. At the end I'll see which one you scored the most in."

"Question one: What color are my eyes?" I ask with them closed and she giggles.

"Blue."

"What shampoo do I use?"

"Dove." she says simply and I laugh. "maybe Pantene!"

"That wasn't one of the questions...I was joking." I tell her and she stays motionless in her place.

"It's just that uhh..." she pauses for a moment and makes up an excuse. "when the wind blows through your hair, I can smell it. Your hair smells really good, by the way..." she says nervously and rubs her neck shyly.

I nod with a huge smile on my face and look down at the magazine again. "What do I like doing for fun?"

"Going to your cabin, taking pictures of random stuff, reading. But mostly reading. When you read, there's this sparkle in your eye and at that very moment I can tell you're not on this planet anymore. You're on your own." she tells me in a low tone. My mouths stays slightly open in awe, because damn, I can't believe she knows that much about me. She looks down at the bag of chips, then at me. A smile curls up from the side of her mouth and I immediately look at my magazine again.

"Um-uh, okay. Next question," I say and scan for where I left off. "What's my-_type_?"

"Your type? Hmm..." she taps her chin and thinks for a moment. "I don't know. Maybe he has to have green eyes, about your height, and dirty blonde, right?"

"No," I reply and smack my lips together. "maybe with brown eyes, about _your_ height and dark brown hair."

The chip she was about to put in her mouth falls off her fingers. Immediately, our eyes meet. My heart is pounding through my ears and I wish she'd stop staring at me like that. It makes my heart go crazy. In a good way, though. She coughs awkwardly and fidgets in her spot.

"Next question?"

I nod and go back to the magazine. "When I laugh profoundly, do I close my eyes and clap, or do I scrunch my nose and snort?"

She smiles and lets out a small giggle. "You close your eyes and clap."

I smile and stare at her longingly. "You scrunch your nose and snort." I say and nudge her playfully.

"Do not!"

"Yeah you do!"

She rolls her eyes playfully and sips her water bottle. "So, did I pass this quiz or what?"

"I don't know, let me check."

My eyes land on the score box next to all the questions. Then I see 'soul mate' written in big, blue and light green letters. My heart stops and I stare at it with a blank expression. She looks at me and scoffs.

"Let me see. You're taking too long." I feel her snatch the magazine from my hands. She grabs her glasses from the surface of the dresser and puts them on. "I'm your..." Her finger traces across her score, then leads to the word.

"Soul mate. she says in a low tone and bites her lip. I look up and her eyes find mine. Her face lights up and I feel my heart skip a beat, maybe two. She puts the magazine to the side and I make my way towards her. Her heart starts beating through her ribcage as straddle her hips. I reach for her glasses and slowly trace the edges with my finger. All she does is stare at me adoringly. Like I'm everything she needs. And I could be, if she lets me. Her hands start coming up my back, then go down again and grab my waist. This happens a lot. The intimacy we share. Every time our skin touches one another, it's passionate. It's affectionate. It's imitate. And I don't want it to stop. My arms wrap around her neck and I scoot back a little so that our faces are slightly apart. Her eyes scream, beg and yell for me. For my voice. For my warmth. For my lips.

"You're so beautiful, Brittany." she whispers against my skin as her face is buried in the crook of my neck. She breathes in my scent and exhales deeply. Like if I revived her from death.

Moments later, Amelia knocks and she immediately jumps off of me.

"You girls okay?" she asks with the door shut.

I sigh. "Yeah." I say loud enough so she can hear. Santana giggles and gets up on her feet.

"It's kinda cold. Want to go get hot chocolate across town?"

I nod and she pulls me up.

As we sit in the coffee shop, I see that girl throwing Santana these flirty glances. Nicole. My heart drops. All Santana does is fidget in her place. Our eyes lock. She smiles and reaches for my hand. Then, Nicole drops off _another_ cake. I pull away and watch Santana's reaction. She sits there awkwardly and pushes it towards me. Nicole smiles at her and she returns the gesture. My body fills with sheer jealously as I watch her play with the slice of cake.

"Don't make it obvious." I state coldly and she looks at me confused.

"What?"

"I said, don't make it obvious."

"What are you talking about?"

I don't respond. My chest is heaving from how angry I am at this point. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I can't help it. There's a blank expression on her face as we sit across from each other. Motionless. Lifeless.

"Take me home." I state and breathe out. Her eyes lock with mine for a second, but I look away. My heart hurts, my head hurts, and I can't help but think she probably likes Nicole. Maybe she does. She's pretty. Her dirty blonde hair is long and silky. Her eyes are light brown; no one can resist brown eyes. _Does_ she like her? It's just that question that's running through my head.

We stop at a traffic light and I see her jaw clench and unclench. She's angry. I know her too well. The grip on the steering wheel tightens when the light turns green. She accelerates and stops at another red light.

"Brittany, can we talk? Please?" she begs me, but I don't reply. My heart is literally breaking apart piece by piece. She sighs in frustration and grips the steering wheel tightly.

"Do you like her?" I ask with a shaky voice and she doesn't answer my question.

Chill, Brittany. Breathe in and out.

Her breathing quickens and her eyes close as she tries controlling it.

"Tell me Santana," I demand and tilt my head towards her. Her eyes don't meet mine. She begins tapping the wheel with her fingers to calm herself. "tell me. So I can stop wasting my time." I finish weakly and tears begin forming in my eyes. They begin forming in hers too. She doesn't respond that time either. Then I feel the pain in my stomach. It's as if someone punched me with a metal boxing glove. She shakes her head in denial and twists her wheel to make a U-turn.

There's so much tension, I can sense it with my fingers. She parks in an empty parking lot and we just sit there. Nothing to say. Nothing to see. Nothing to hear. Suddenly, she unbuckles her seat belt and steps out of the car. I look to see what she's doing and it turns out that she's coming to my side of the door. She opens it and sits on my lap, facing me. My eyes widen in shock because damn, I can't believe what she's doing. Our eyes meet as she wraps her arms around my neck. Her eyes scream for something, but what exactly?

"I like her, okay? I like her smile. Her laugh. Her hair. Her lips. And her freaking _blue_ eyes that kill me a little every time I look at them." she whispers weakly and her eyes begin to water. My heart skips. She's talking about _me_. I sigh in relief and run my hands up her body; memorizing every beauty mark, scar and freckle this girl has. Her lips gently kiss my forehead and I close my eyes to take in the moment. They open again, and our eyes meet.

"I've met so many people and yeah, they're nice, but none of them have ever made me feel how you make me feel. Ever. It's you, Brittany. It's always been you." She whispers and leans in closer to my face. Her lips; so glossy and moist. They're centimeters away from mine, but I lean in closer slowly. They touch. A perfect match is made. I've waited so long for _her_ to come into my life and slowly mend my heart ache with her touch. Her kiss. Even her breathing. I just want her next to me. Our tongues quickly ignite as soon as the connection is made and I can feel her right hand tangle in my blonde hair. She moans. Oh god, I didn't know I could make someone do that. Do it again. I become out of breath and so does she. We slow down and she captures my lower lip in between her teeth; biting on it lightly. Just an innocent little bite. I haven't had enough. At this very moment, I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm falling in love with her. With her touch, her eyes, her body pressing against mine like its perfect combination of our souls. As soon as we open our eyes, they meet. My heart cavorts like if it were on ecstasy. A soft smile comes across her lips as she leans in to kiss my forehead gently. She's cute. How she does that to let me know she cares for me. In that small kiss, I sense how respectful she is when it comes to my feelings. It's hard to believe I actually found someone that understands me because usually, people don't care.

"Do you still want to go home?" she asks and I nod, still trying to process what just happened. She sighs and hops into the driver seat. "are you mad? Please don't be mad, Brittany. I can't handle it and you know that."

"Can we just go, please." I say with a blank expression on my face and rest my head on the headrest. She curses under her breath and drives out of the empty parking lot.

We make it to my house and just sit in the car. From the corner of my eye, I can see she's staring at me. I can sense a tear stream down her face by the way she's breathing. My conscious kicks in and I immediately feel a pang of guilt run through my body. Hurting her will forever be the biggest regret of my entire life.

I unbuckle my seat belt and turn to face her. "Are you coming up?" I ask in a whisper and her eyes find mine. She sniffs and unbuckles her seat belt as well. We go up the ladder and go to my balcony. It's almost nine o'clock and my parents aren't home yet.

I bring her inside and lie down. She lies down on my left side, towards the balcony. Her back is facing me and all I feel is emptiness in my heart. My arms embrace her tightly and then I feel her melt. The tension disappears.

"...you're smart, funny, and so beautiful. I ask myself all the time how you could even want to be around me." I whisper and rest my chin on her shoulder.

"I like you too much, Santana and I'm scared you might hurt me. My flaws and insecurities make who I am. You can have anyone you want. So why'd you choose me?"

"...that girl with cuts, flaws and insecurities is the girl I'm falling for." she replies softly and stays serenely in her position. I know she's telling the truth even without looking into her eyes. My arms unwrap from her body as I gently sit on her hips. She breathes in deeply and stares at me with such intensity, my lungs can barely keep up with my rapid breathing. Someone actually enjoys my presence. I wonder why, though. Can she explain her feelings? Because I know _I_ can't. They're unexplainable.

"I'm sorry," I apologize and run my hand through her hair. "I just can't loose you to someone else...I need you."

She pushes herself up on her elbows so our faces are close to one another. Our lips brush, then touch with an unexplainable pang of passion. Tongues dance around like ballet performers; slow and intimate. Hands roam up and down; slowly engraving the feeling in every nerve that exits in our bodies.

We separate from loss of air and look into each other deeply. A weak smile comes across her lips and I shut my eyes, hoping this is not another one of those fantasies I usually have. Once they drift open, I realize it's not because she's still below me. Her hands on my waist and eyes burying holes into my soul. I breathe in, then out; absorbing her intoxicating scent of strawberry and vanilla extract. My body slowly lies next to her once again while embracing everything she has to offer. Her eyes drift shut, as do mine. Finally, I can sleep, if not at least for a while. With her, I believe anything is possible.


	18. Friday  December 21, 2001

But it's just not fair

1:23 am. I lie in bed, facing her as she breathes in and out deeply. It relaxes me, and the way she looks when she sleeps is the cutest thing I've ever seen. She shivers and I cover her body with my blankets. I lean in to kiss her forehead gently, then she begins to fidget in her spot. Her big, brown, captivating eyes drift open and I sigh at my dumb move.

"Sorry." I whisper and she smiles.

"It's okay. It's better than being poked." she teases and I giggle remembering the time I poked her face while she was sleeping.

"I'm glad you're here." I whisper and she straddles my hips, but does it ever so quietly. I yawn and she giggles.

"Tired?"

I shrug. Her eyes are gazing into mine as she places her hands above my shoulders to keep her balance. I stare down at her lips, to her chest, then back up at her eyes. She kisses my forehead, then my nose, skips my lips, and kisses my chin gently. My stomach turns; I feel tiny shocks of electricity trace up and down my spine. She smiles as my hands run up her body, memorizing every curve. Her hand runs through my blonde hair, then her index finger twirls just a small strand. She leans in and her face is so close to mine; I can almost taste her lips. My heart is beating uncontrollably with the silence of the room. This connection we have is bound to kill me. Her lips look so soft. I've never had the urge to kiss someone as much as I want to kiss her right now. Not just right now; all the time. Every moment that I'm in her presence. Her thumb strokes my bottom lip lightly as I watch her undress me with her eyes. Slowly, she leans in closer and my breathing quickens along with hers.

"You need me?" she asks in a whisper into my ear. I close my eyes taking in the sensation of her warmth breath, then nod. Her lips come in contact with my neck and then up to my jawline. The tension that had filled my body lifts off my chest. I feel her staring at me as my eyes remain closed. They drift open and mine meet with hers. She smiles a genuine smile, then finally, our lips touch. A kiss as light as a feather. Not sloppy or rough. Just a chaste peck on the lips. The room suddenly lights up or maybe it's just her because every time she walks into my company, I feel a burst of energy inside me. It's what I've longed for; the electrifying feeling when you kiss someone. Like its all you ever really need.

"Goodnight." she whispers with a soft smile and goes back to her side of the bed. I stay motionless in my position, looking up at the ceiling. Now I'm not tired at all. She covers me with the blankets and embraces me in her arms. I smile and replay our kiss over and over in my head. So this is what it feels like to _feel_ for someone. I could get used to this.

I wake up to the squeaking of my shower faucet. 11:23 am. Santana isn't beside me, I'm guessing she's the one in the bathroom. The door opens and steam flows out slowly. I push myself up with my elbows and then my eyes land on her. A white towel is wrapped around her body as the water droplets slowly drip down her caramel skin. Her wet hair separate in large strands on her shoulders and down her back. I can smell my body wash and shampoo from where I am. She faces me and runs her hand through her drenched hair.

"Sorry, I felt gross. So I thought I'd take a shower."

I can't speak. I open my mouth to say something, but quickly close it again since I'm afraid I'll drool like a river. She glances at me and bites her lip trying to hide her smile.

"Oh and I used your toothbrush. I hope you don't mind."

I still don't respond. She snaps her fingers repeatedly in my direction to get my attention and I refocus.

Hell-oooo, Brittany. Focus!

"Oh um, yeah okay."

She laughs and nudges me lightly. "I was joking. That's kinda weird."

"Whatever." I say and stick my tongue out at her since she knows how mesmerized I get. She laughs and I throw her some of my clean clothes.

"Want to come to the mall today? I'm taking the kids so Amelia and Adriana can chill for a while."

I smile at her generosity and nod. "Yeah..."

"Cool." she says and pulls the towel off her body. My eyes come in contact with her beautifully toned stomach and matching bra and underwear. A knot forms in my throat as she puts on the shirt I handed her. "um, we'll leave after you change."

"Oh uhh, yeah. Okay." I reply quickly and walk into my bathroom to shower.

About an hour later, I'm done taking a shower and getting dressed, so I order a cab to Santana's place. I grab about three hundred dollars from the small safe I have in my closet and head down stairs to my father's office.

"Dad?" I call for him from the entrance.

"What?" he asks coldly and takes off his glasses.

"I'm going to Santana's..."

"I don't care. Do whatever the hell you want." he replies and puts his glasses back on. My heart drops, until I see Santana pop her head out from my bedroom door. Immediately the empty feeling in my stomach is restored. We both giggle as I race upstairs. The cab comes up through the gates and parks by the curb. Santana goes in first, then I go behind her.

The drive is over, and now we're headed up to her apartment. As we wait for the elevator, I wrap my arms around her waist. She melts into my body and I instantly feel her body heat up. The elevator makes a 'ding' noise and opens for us. We're alone; there's no one else. She leans against the metal rail along the inside wall and I lean on the opposite one. A smirk comes across her face when our eyes lock. Slowly, she steps closer to me and comes closer to my face. My stomach turns and my body is begging for hers to be against mine. Her arms wrap around my neck, so I pull her waist closer into me. Our foreheads are pressed together as we cherish every moment with one another. She starts leaning in, but the elevator makes that 'ding' noise again. A smirk comes across her face and she loosens her grip on me.

"Tease." I say and watch her walk out of the elevator doors. She giggles and stops in her path to take my hand in hers.

Finally, we make it to her apartment. She opens the door and all the kids rush to us like a tiger to meat. Alissa clings to my leg, Cynthia goes to my other, and Hailey hugs my hip. I giggle as Santana holds Michael in her arms.

"Santana, where have you been? I missed you! You didn't tell me a story or kiss me goodnight!"

"I'm sure _someone_ got a kiss good night, though." Hailey says with a grin and giggles as Santana slaps her shoulder lightly. I can feel my face flush red as she does so.

"I slept over at Brittany's. I promise I'll tell you story later, okay?"

Alissa nods with a huge smile planted on her face.

"Ready guys?" Santana asks and they all nod happily.

"Thank you so much, Santana and you too, Brittany." Adriana says and hands me money.

"I got it covered. Don't even worry."

"But they-"

"Adriana, it's okay. I have more than enough money for them."

She presses her lips together and nods. "Fine, but just call me if you need anything."

I nod and she hands Santana the keys to her car. My eyes lock with Amelia's and she winks in my direction. I feel my face blush and walk out with the kids.

"Okay, bye mom." Santana says and shuts the door. I smile and we walk to the car. She puts all the seat belts on the kids and I watch her; imagining her with children of her own one day. I mean, it's like she was meant for it; ya' know, being a mom.

We arrive at the mall and all the kids begin exiting the car. Santana grabs Michael and I grab Alissa and Cynthia, while Hailey walks to the left of me. Christmas decorations scatter through out every shop that comes into our path. Green and red ribbons, bows and stockings hang from the windows as the watch from the other side.

"Look Brittany! That blouse is so cute!" Hailey says while pressing her face on the window to look at it closely.

"It is." I say with a soft smile and go inside to the cashier.

"How can I help you ma'am?" she asks with a smile. I put money down on the counter and she looks at me strangely.

"Can you reserve that blouse for me?" I ask and she nods while grabbing it. After taking down my name and putting it aside, Santana calls for me to continue walking. I rush over and we walk to the food court.

"What should we get?" she asks and turns to face me.

"Pizza, Santi! Pizza!" Alissa exclaims and I giggle.

"There's your answer." I reply, then go to the pizza stand to order a large pizza. She begins to set down money, but I set down a twenty dollar bill before her. The cashier receives it and Santana shakes her head as if I did something wrong.

"You didn't have to do that." she whispers and takes the large pizza in her hands. I grab the kids walk to an empty table.

"I wanted to."

She smiles and begins passing out paper plates. When she places one in front of me, her lips press against my cheek lightly. The kids scrunch their faces and yell: 'Ew kissing!'.

"Oh shush!" Santana says playfully as passes out slices of pizza. I watch her adoringly because wow, she can do anything. I've grown to love and cherish the person she is. She can be my best friend and maybe even my girlfriend; all at once. To the kids, she can be a sister a mom, and a dad. Something my parents have never been.

[Flashback]

I was about seven or six. My parents took me to the mall to visit that fake Santa that all the little kids would stand in line and wait for hours for. Dad would always cut in line and argue with the security, telling him that he was there before anyone. I remember one day I sat on Santa's lap; he smiled really wide and tickled my stomach.

"Are you the real Santa?" I asked and held onto the doll that was in my arm.

"Of course I am, sweetie." he said and pinched my cheek lightly, then did that 'Ho! Ho! Ho!' thing all Santa's seemed to do. "My, my, you have amazing blue eyes. What do you want for Christmas? A bike, a doll, a teddy bear?"

I looked over to my parents, then back at him. His eyes; so big and green like a jungle. They screamed happiness and joy with a single glance.

What should I say? A playhouse? A coloring book?

No, Brittany. Don't lie. He's Santa. He knows everything.

"All I want are my parents back." I replied in a weak tone and bit my lip. The look on his face was priceless. He knew I was serious. That really was all i wanted because as we got richer, I became less and less visible. The restaurant grew as well as my transparency.

"C'mon, Brittany. We're done." my father said and dragged me off of the old man. I looked back at him one last time.

"Please." I mouthed to him with pleading eyes. All he did was watch my dad drag me out the exit in complete astonishment. It didn't happen, though. My parents stayed the same. They never changed, as much as I hoped they would, it didn't work.

"Hey Britt," Santana calls for me and snaps me out of my memory. "you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I reply and let out a deep breath. She nods and wipes some grease off the side of my face.

After everyone finishes eating, we walk around the mall again. Alissa, Cynthia and Michael are pointing out the toys they want and I'm trying my best to run into the shop to reserve them. Hailey points out all kinds of different jewelry and, of course, I try and reserve them too.

"Brittany, I'm tired." Alissa says while rubbing her eyes and yawning. I carry her in my arms and Santana smiles.

"Okay, time to go home." she states and we begin walking back to the car. On our way back home, they all end up falling asleep. As we arrive at a red light, Santana looks at me and reaches for my hand. Both meet above the cup holders and armrest. Butterflies take over my abdomen and I can't barely keep myself from smiling like a goof.

"Do you want kids?" I ask curiously and turn to face her. She looks at me, then quickly accelerates on the green light.

"Yeah, I love kids, but I doubt it'll ever happen." she replies and turns on the left signal. "no adoption center is going to give a lesbian a child."

"But can't you get a lawyer or something?"

"This is Ohio. People are just way too ignorant." she finishes and sighs. "Do you?"

"Yeah, so much. I've never had brothers or sisters, so...maybe in a couple of years I'll be having little Brittany's running around every where."

She giggles. "I'd like to see that. And your husband with, let me guess," she starts to say and we make it to the parking lot of the complex. Her hand reaches for the stick and it shifts up to park. "Umm... is he going to be tall like you?"

I stare at her momentarily and see that she's sort of hurt. My head shakes ever so slightly. "Not really a _he_, per se. Maybe she can be kind of short..." I reply and look at her with soft stare. "like you."

Our eyes meet and she freezes while gazing into me. A soft smile comes upon her face as she takes out the keys from the ignition. "Well, uhh can you help me get them?" she asks while blushing and I nod with a smile.

I carry Michael and Alissa while Santana carries Cynthia. Hailey wakes up just in time for her to walk back up to the apartment. When we walk in, Amelia and Adriana are cooking dinner. I take the kids to the room along with Santana behind me. Gently, I try and tuck them in without any rough movements, but it didn't work. Their eyes drift open and land on both Santana and I.

"Santana?" Alissa calls for her rubs her eyes wearily.

"Yeah?"

"Can you tell me a story?"

Suddenly, all eyes fling open like if the house were on fire and they immediately begin begging her for a small tale. Of course, Santana gives in. Her eyes wander around the room, trying to think of a story for the three kids.

"Okay," she begins. I walk out and lean against the wall by the door, listening to her speak. A wide smile comes across my face because I can't imagine her not having kids of her own. She'd be great. Suddenly, Adriana comes into the hallway and stands before me.

"How was the mall?" she asks and crosses her arms while whispering quietly.

"It was cool. I hadn't been there in a while. Before I met Santana, I'd always be at home reading or something."

"Same with Santana. She'd always read the same book um-uh...Catcher and the Rat or something like that."

I giggle. "_Catcher in the Rye_."

"Si, si, that one. But she's happier now. I can tell."

Santana slowly emerges from inside the room while closing the door quietly. "They fell asleep." she whispers and stands next to me. "what's going on?"

"Nada mija. I was just going to check the laundry." Adriana replies nonchalantly and walks away with a slight smirk planted on her face. I try and suppress my grin, then walk out to the living room. Amelia is stirring something on the stove as Santana and I take a seat across from her on the island.

" Tienen hambre?"

I shake my head. "No thanks."

"Yeah, me either." Santana replies and Amelia sighs.

"Fine, can you make the salsa while I call your mom to help me?"

She nods and grabs tomatoes, jalapenos, onions and other ingredients. I watch her intriguingly, cutting the first tomato. Up and down, up and down.

"Wanna try?"

I shrug. "I don't know how to use a stove. How can I use a knife?"

"C'mere," she motions me to stand in front of her, so I obey. Her arms come from behind me as I hold the knife, cutting the tomato into small squares. "just be careful."

Her warm breath tickles my neck and sends a strong tingle down my spine. My body heats up and I'm scared I might cut my finger off or something. She places her hands above mine and guides me through the process. Up and down. Up and down. I twist my head in her direction and her eyes find mine. Our height difference makes it easy. I let go of the knife and push everything a little further into the counter. My body turns three hundred and sixty degrees, just so that I'm facing her completely. She pushes me up against the counter and holds my waist with both hands. Her lips linger on mine just for a moment, then we separate quickly when we hear laughing from the hallway. Santana continues to slice the tomatoes while I watch her. As if nothing ever happened.

"Tease." I mouth to her when she glances at me. A smirk plays across her lips as I continue to peer my eyes with the different types of things she's doing. Memorizing every step and motion because someday; I want to be able to cook just for her.

Amelia and Adriana come back into the kitchen and take over where Santana left off. Then, we go into her room and just lie down on her bed. Her lips press against my forehead gently and I immediately begin to melt. My body has gotten so used to this feeling, I don't want it to go away. I'm happier than I've ever been and it's because of her. I've come to cherish every moment with her. And as I've grown, I've learned that in life you have encounters with many people. Whether its a random stranger at the super market or the person you want to be with for the rest of your life. Those moments turn into memories in the back of your head whether you want them to or not. She's beyond a memory. She's beyond anything in this entire planet. She's too _beyond_; even for me.


	19. Tuesday  December 25, 2001

**Author's note: **This chapter is kind of short, so I'm going to upload the next one. **Spoiler:** It's going to get rough for both Brittany and Santana. Maybe after the next one. Anyway, thanks so much for reading!(:

* * *

><p>That I'm the one leaving<p>

My parents went on a business trip on Christmas Eve, so basically, I can do what I want. I'm home alone and Amelia is at home, most likely with Adriana. Which means, I'm going to go to Santana's to surprise her. She doesn't know because I didn't tell her, but I'm sure she won't mind.

I load all the presents I reserved into the cab and head for her apartment. We arrive minutes later and I ask the cab driver to stay put for a while.

"Fine, but I got the meter runnin'." he states as I exit and head up to Santana's. I knock on her door and wait for someone to answer as I check my phone for the time. 8:21 am. She should be up. Moments later, the door knobs twists and turns, then finally the door opens. My eyes lock with the big brown ones that I got so used to seeing. Her mouth opens in astonishment while all the kids come running to to door to greet me.

"Hey guys, Merry Christmas!" I greet all the children and bend to their level to hug all of them. They hug me tightly and pull me in different directions to lead me to their gifts. I've grown so close to Santana's family and I'm glad they like me so much.

"What are you doing here?" Santana asks with a huge smile across her face. I open my mouth to speak but-

"Brittany, come see what my mommy got me!" Alissa says loudly and starts pulling my hand in her direction. Santana rolls her eyes playfully and crosses her arms as all the kids pull on me.

"Hold on, sweetie. I got some things in the cab." I say and turn to Santana. She looks at me strangely and I giggle. "Can you help me?"

"With what?"

I smile. "Come on." I tell her and grab her hand. When we make it to the cab, she sees all the presents and her eyes widen. Her mouth opens to speak, but no words come out.

"Britt, what is all this?"

"well, it _is_ Christmas, San." I reply and begin unloading the gifts. She smiles, a genuine kind of smile and stares at me longingly.

"You didn't have to." she tells me in a low tone. I step closer and look down at her. Our height difference makes us perfect. Makes _her_ perfect.

"I know," I begin and kiss her cheek lightly. "I wanted to."

She giggles and begins to blush as she tightens her grip on the presents.

"They're waiting. Now go!" I demand and slap her butt playfully. She scoffs and lets out a small giggle. I grab the rest of the gifts, hand the driver a fifty, and run up behind her. Once we arrive inside the apartment again, all the kids turn to look at the door. Their eyes widen in shock, as well as Amelia's and Adriana's when they see all the different presents.

"Woah! Where did these come from?" Cynthia asks with a wide smile. I laugh and set everything down next to where Santana put them on the dining table.

"It was-"

"Santa!" I say before she finishes her sentence with my name. "It was Santa. Everyone was so nice this year that he told me to give some toys to you guys."

Alissa jumps in place and claps her hands excitedly. I begin rummaging through all the different gifts and pull out the Barbie she wanted so much when we went to the toy store in the mall; along with a bag of cute dresses I picked out. I give out presents to Hailey, Michael and Cynthia while Santana watches me from afar. There's a smile on her face and I can sense Amelia and Adriana watch me from the kitchen. After I finish with the kids, I give them their presents too.

"I hope you guys don't mind I came." I say and look to the floor shyly. They snort and let out a short laugh.

" Claro que no!" Adriana assures and grabs my hand delicately. "You're welcome anytime."

I smile and thank her silently. Santana comes closer to me after she's done unwrapping the presents for the kids. My hand reaches for hers and she smiles so wide, I can barely handle it. I lead her to her room and open the door. She stays motionless in her position when she sees an abundance of painting tools.

"Brittany, I can't believe you did this." she says while looking at the several colors in the paint set. A smile comes across my face and I pull her to sit down on her bed. Her breathing has increased slightly and I can feel her body radiate with such happiness, my heart might explode.

"And this too." I whisper and pull out a burgundy box with a green ribbon placed on the surface. Her eyes lock with mine and I can tell she has no idea what to say. She lets out a short breath as I open it slowly. Her hand cups her mouth in awe and I giggle.

"It's a bracelet. Whenever you feel, or I feel, like cutting, the bracelet will be in the way. That's when we'll think of each other and pretend we're together."

I pull out the one that has a 'B' engraved into the center and place it around her left wrist. She smiles and tears begin forming in her eyes, but she blinks them away quickly. My thumb strokes the remaining scars. They're bumpy and so fragile.

I hear her breathe out and sniffle. "Why?" she asks weakly and looks deeply into me; memorizing the feeling that has come about in my heart.

"Because pain doesn't exist when you're with me." I reply in a low tone while she grabs the bracelet with the 'S' and places it around my right wrist. She sees the fading scars and our eyes lock. Her lips press against them lightly and I smile widely; engraving this moment in my heart forever. She leans in, and our lips touch. A pang of electricity runs up my spine and shocks every nerve inside me. Who knew the day we met that we'd grow on each other. She's the cancer running through my veins; spreading throughout every cell in my body, making me weak to the knees. I can't help it.

"Brittany," she begins to whisper and I focus on nothing but her. "I'm falling so hard for you right now."

Her voice sounds almost breathless; like I've locked the air out from her lungs. I've never understood what the meaning of that sentence, but with her, I'm beginning to learn more. Our foreheads press together while I run my hands down her chest and rest them on her waist. A soft giggle exits my lips and her eyes close.

"It's okay. Me too." I breathe in her strawberry scent as if it were my last time. The feeling in my stomach makes me want to stop time; stop the earth and just hold her forever.


	20. Monday  January 7, 2002

When you're always there

After school, Santana and I make our way to my cabin to work on the project that's due in February. As we walk, I read the poem over and over again in my head. It's beautiful. The way she wrote her stanzas make me understand her a little more. Her pain, her weaknesses. Yet, I have so much to learn from her.

We arrive a couple of footsteps later. Slowly, I reach for the door knob and twist it counter clockwise.

"Crap, it's locked." I state angrily and run my hand through my hair. "Let's go get my keys. They're in my room."

She nods and we walk to my house. Jeffery opens the gate for us and she waits for me at my front porch.

"Brittany!" I hear my dad call for me and my heart stops. He shows up at my door and has a white paper in his hand. My progress report. All of a sudden, a smirk comes across his face and he laughs. "Look at this! Your grades are amazing! Lets go out to eat! Bring your friend, I'll invite the Abrams!" he races down stairs to his office and shuts the door. The last thing I want is to see Artie _and_ his family, but since Santana can come, I really don't care. I run down stairs and pull Santana inside.

"What the-"

"Can you come to dinner with me?" I ask her with a smile. She looks so confused and stays speechless. "I mean, my parents want to take me out a-and...I want you to come."

She smiles and bites her lip. "I would, but I didn't bring extra clothes."

I stare her down and she's wearing jeans with a jacket and spaghetti strap under. "You can borrow something."

She stays silent for a moment, then nods quickly. I grab her hand and we run up to my room. Her eyes turn to me as I look through my closet and pull out a violet blouse with white rose patterns. She smiles and presses her lips together, then I grab black skinny jeans and hand both items of clothing to her.

"Try these on." I say in a low tone. She nods and walks into the bathroom. I start to change while she gets ready.

After a couple of minutes, I hear the door knob turn as sit anxiously on my bed.

"Ready?"

"Yeah." I reply nervously and swallow hard. She walks out and I swear I could see the lighting in my room get brighter. Maybe it's just me. The blouse makes her look so captivating I can barely breathe and the black jeans show off her amazing legs.

"Oh my god," I whisper and lock my eyes with hers. "You look amazing."

She giggles. Her hand reaches for the hair tie that's holding up her pony tail and gently yanks it off. Her hair is down. She wears it like that every now and then, but right now she just looks so gorgeous.

"So do you..." she says shyly and puts her hands in her back pockets. I smile and bite my lip.

"Um-uh, I guess we should go now..." I tell her and she nods. We head down stairs and see my parents talking to Artie's. Amelia smiles at me as Santana walks slowly behind me.

"You two girls look so beautiful." she tells me and Santana while drying a coffee mug in her hands.

"Thanks." Santana and I say in unison and laugh. Artie wheels up beside me and dusts off lint from his shoulder.

"Hey Brittany." he greets me in his monotone voice.

"Hi." I reply annoyed. He turns his cheek my way so I could kiss it, but I don't want to. I can see my parents and his parents watching me from the corner of my eye. So, I lean in and barely place my lips against his skin. Santana looks away as if she didn't see anything, but I know she did. My eyes locked with hers during the action and I immediately saw jealously and sadness.

"Well, lets get going!" my dad states and opens the front door. Artie and his family get into their own car because of his wheel chair and I get into my parents' limousine with Santana. The driver presses a button by the radio and a black platform starts rising between my parents and Santana and I. Now we're alone.

We lock eyes. She smiles and leans back into the seat.

"This is so cool." she says to the ceiling of the limo and breathes out. "I've never been in one of these."

I smile at her innocence and pull her left arm towards me. She giggles and swings her left leg over my body, then sits on my lap so that she's straddling my hips. My hands run up her body, then rest on her thighs while I play with my fingers. As she tilts her head a little lower to meet my gaze, I can smell the scent of her lip gloss. Strawberry banana.

"You okay?" she asks with a sad expression upon her face.

"They don't like me." I reply and look down sadly. She knows who I'm referring to.

"They're your parents. Of course they do."

I don't respond. She shifts her body up a little and tilts my chin upwards. Our eyes lock.

"You don't need every single person in this world to love you...maybe you just need one." she whispers with such sincerity; my body feels like it'll collapse at any moment. I press my lips together and nod. She's right, I do only need one person. Her.

We pull up at an Italian restaurant and exit the limo. My parents, Artie and his parents go in before us, while Santana and I walk slowly behind them. She seriously looks so mesmerizing, I'm trying to contain myself. A waiter takes us to two separate tables. One with four seats and another with three.

"Brittany, sit over there with Artie and your friend." my father states and points to the table with three chairs. As I walk over, my mother grabs my arm and pulls me closer to her.

"Sit next to Artie." she demands and let's go of my arm. I glare at her and obey her order. I really don't want to make a scene; especially in front of Santana. Artie takes a seat next to me and Santana sits across from me. The menus are already on the table, so we all look through it as my parents order water for our table, and wine for theirs.

"So, what's your name?" Artie asks Santana and sips his water.

"Santana..."

"Santana what?"

"Artie, chill out." I tell him annoyed and fix a napkin on my lap.

"I need to know what type of people my girlfriend hangs out with."

"No, you really-"

"Britt," Santana interrupts me and our eyes lock. "Its okay."

I press my lips together and shake my head ashamed. "Sorry." I apologize in a low voice. She smiles and glances at Artie.

"Santana Lopez." She answers his question. He scrunches his face in disgust and coughs. I sigh in frustration and sip my water. Moments later, the food comes. It turns out my parents ordered pasta and soup for us. We all begin to eat, but I don't really feel like eating since Artie continues to harass Santana. She hasn't taken a bite out of her food. So I don't either.

"So Santana," he starts and wipes his face. "you go to McKinley?"

She nods.

"No wonder." he states and clears his throat. Santana lowers her head and drop my fork in shock.

"What the hell is your problem?" I ask him in a whisper.

"She just looks like those poor girls."

"Um-uhh, I'm going to the bathroom. Excuse me." Santana informs us and walks over to the restrooms.

"Santana wa-"

"Don't chase her, Brittany." he says and grabs my arm as I start to get up to follow her. "I won't have my girlfriend hanging out with someone like that!"

"Then you won't have a freaking girlfriend." I reply angrily and pull my arm away. When I enter the bathroom, Santana is wiping her eyes with a paper towel. My heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach as I step closer to her.

"I'm sorry." I apologize and she forces a smile to her face.

"Don't worry. Its okay."

"No," I begin to say and place my hand on her forearm. Our eyes lock and I start breathing heavy. My hand begins to gently slide down, then I lace her hand with mine. "Its not."

"Its okay, Brittany. I'll just let you guys have dinner and see you at school tomorrow." she lets go of my hand while throwing the paper towel in the trash. My heart shatters. I sigh and reach for her wrist to pull her closer to me. She lowers her head, but I tilt it back up so that our eyes meet. It hurts when I see even one tear stream down her face.

"Brittany, come back out." my mother pops her head in and I immediately step back.

"Hold on."

"Brittany-"

"Mom, I'll be out in a sec can you just leave, please?" I ask annoyed and all she does is glare at Santana. My teeth clench in anger because she doesn't deserve all the crap my parents and Artie do to her.

"Lets leave." I state and grab her hand once again. Our bracelets make that -cling- sound as they brush lightly.

"What are you talking about?"

"Lets go eat tacos or something." I say with a small smile and she giggles softly.

"What about your parents? And Artie?"

"They'll be fine." I reply and grab her to run out of the bathroom. Thankfully, they didn't see us sneak out. A couple of blocks away, we stop at a small plaza and go into a taco shop. Our order comes minutes later along with our drinks. I thank the waiter and we begin to eat.

"Here, try this." Santana hands me a small container of green salsa. I smile and and pour it all over my tacos.

"My mouth is going to burn with this thing." I say and she laughs loudly.

"I'll make it better." she teases and I giggle. Moments of silence pass as we continue to eat. I notice she's a little tense, but I have no idea what's causing it. As soon as she finishes eating, she wipes her mouth and sips her drink nervously.

"I'm sorry I got in between you and Artie, Brittany." she apologizes and looks down at the table.

I shake my head. "You didn't. We're not together anymore so it doesn't matter."

"What? Oh crap, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I'm glad actually..." I say and sip some soda. She stares at me longingly and I feel a tingle run up my spine. "He never cared about me or my feelings anyway. Now I can focus on more important things." I finish and stare into her dark brown eyes. She smiles and lets out a short breath.

"You deserve to be happy. I'd be lucky to call you my girlfriend." she says suddenly and my heart skips. Her eyes lock with mine, but keep glancing at different things since she's so nervous. I don't even know why. I get up and sit next to her. My right arm rests above the booth as she stares into my eyes. I do the same and cherish the very moment her body is in front of me. I love her eyes. So brown like chocolate and warm like the summer breeze. When I look at her my body paralyzes to such an extent; I can barely move, barely think, and barely remember how to breathe. Slowly, we simultaneously lean in and our lips touch chastely against one anothers. If just a small peck makes my heart go crazy, I can't imagine what making love to her is going to feel like. We separate and Santana immediately looks behind me with a confused expression.

"You girls are adorable." an elder woman says with a smile and I giggle. Santana laces her hand with mine and laughs. "Remember that love is never selfish. You protect her and she protects you. That's just how it is." she says with a smile that makes her gold tooth visible. Santana glances at me and tightens her grip on my hand. This is how it's supposed to be. Me and her. Her and I. It's perfect.

"Thank you. You're so sweet." I tell her and she laughs.

"Not sweeter than you two! Well, my husband is calling for me from the car. Have a good night ladies." she finishes and walks out slowly with her cane. I turn to Santana and she smiles widely as I kiss her cheek. My stamina is suddenly gone when I touch her or even think of her. I need her like I need oxygen in my lungs and for some reason, that scares the crap out of me. Needing someone scares me. I've counted on myself practically my entire life, but Santana just makes that fear vanish.

Soon enough, we exit the taco shop and begin walking home to my house. We talk and giggle about the stupid things we've done so far at McKinley. Then, a gray BMW pulls up. My heart thumps like if it were thrown to the floor. The back window pulls down and I see my father. His eyes bulging with anger along with the veins in his neck.

"Get inside." he states coldly. Santana turns to face me as I slowly walk over to the passenger seat. Her arm intervenes my path, preventing me from going any further. Our eyes meet immediately.

"Brittany, he's going to hurt you." she whispers and glances back at my father.

"I'll handle it, Santana."

"Britt, please don't-"

"I'll see you tomorrow." I cut her off and enter the BMW. From the rear view mirror, I can see her watching with the most devastating expression I have ever seen. It breaks my heart in half.

We arrive and I exit first, then my father behind me, then my mother behind him. Father throws his coat to the floor and mother tries to pick it up for him. How pathetic.

"Not so fast." he huffs and his voice echoes throughout the living room. My heart drops into the abyss of my stomach and I can no longer breathe. He unbuckles the belt buckle and pulls it out forcefully from his waist. As I try and run away, his hand immediately snaps onto my arm like a magnet. I flex every muscle in my body and prepare myself for the horrid sting of the belt on every inch of my skin. My eyes close and my fists clench, along with my jaw.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

His face is flushed red and his breathing has increased slightly. Our eyes lock and I can sense the feeling of satisfaction take over his body.

"Go to your room." he demands and throws the leather material to the floor. His eyes lock with the liquor cabinet, then he slowly walks over to get some wine. My mother follows behind him, like a dog. And what a dog she is. She tries pouring him a glass, but he just pushes her aside and sits on the couch. I walk up to my room with unbearable pain on my lower back. It feels like burning oil had been poured all over my skin.

As I lie down, the feeling of emptiness suddenly takes over my body. Oh hey, I haven't felt this way in a while. Slowly, I lose strength in every muscle I had flexed minutes earlier. My wrist tingles; do I _really_ need my blade again?

No, Brittany. Of course you don't.

My heart begins to beat faster along with my breathing. I can't cut. I don't need it.

Relax, Brittany.

What do you hear?

"...My heart. My parents arguing. And I can barely hear you. Where are you?"

I open my eyes and see her. A slight formation of her bright smile and her curvaceous body. Is this real? Please tell me it's real. She giggles and presses her finger against my lips.

"Don't leave." I whisper.

She shakes her head. "I'll never leave, Britt."

I raise my finger to touch her because with her, that feeling of emptiness is released from my body. Soon enough, reality kicks in; I'm no longer in my own fairy tale. She disappears right before my eyes and my stomach lurches like a sinking boat. Nope, it's not real. Goosebumps take over my shivering body, while I turn and face the empty space that she'd be in if she were here. My eyes trick me and make her appear in my vision once more. Her fairly visible hand caresses my cheek and I let out a sigh of relief. Now I can sleep; I can breathe; and, for now, I _won't_ cut.


	21. Wednesday  January 9, 2002

_My vision is blurry_

I'm getting ready for school and at the same time, counting the many bruises left on my body from the other night. One. Two. Ten. They're still noticeable, but not as much. At least that's what I'm trying to convince myself. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. I go downstairs to answer it and Artie comes through the door as if it were his own home. I roll my eyes and follow him to the living room. He lights a cigarette from the small stash my father has on the coffee table and breathes out the putrid smoke from his mouth.

"Why are you here?" I ask coldly while he presses his lips to the cigarette once more.

"That Santana girl you're always with is gay. My cousins friend goes to that school. Her name is Lindsay Wells. You know her?"

Lindsay. Of course I know who she is. An irritated sigh expels from my mouth and I cross my arms.

"Your point?"

"I won't have my girlfriend hanging out with someone like that. It's gross."

"I'm not your girlfriend. I told you the other night."

"Really? You think your father would like to hear that?"

My jaw clenches in frustration along with my fists. If he tells my father, he'll lecture me and probably throw the Bible at my face; just to be safe. He flicks the ashes into the ash container and clears his throat while I wave my hands in the air to push the smoke away from my lungs.

"Get the hell out of my house." I tell him and snatch the cigarette from his fingers, then stomp it on the floor. An evil chuckle escapes his lips and he starts wheeling himself towards the door.

"I'm watching you, Brittany. I have connections, remember that. Be careful with your choice of friends." he finishes and wheels out to my porch. So basically, he's watching me. Watching my every move, step, and breath. Now I have a reason to _not_ want to be at school. Yet, I don't want to be at home either. My home is no longer capable of being called a house. More like a prison. Or a pool. A pool filled with all my weaknesses and fears. One day, they will all evaporate in an enormous black cloud and get carried away by the wind. That's when I'll be able to breathe again. Like when she's here. Hell, I can always breathe when she's here.

Fast forward hours later; I'm in gym class. Santana got here earlier, so she's out in the field saving the goal post for us. As I walk into the locker room, I sense the feeling of someone following me. Of course, I shake it off and continue walking. I finish changing, then stuff my things into my locker. When I turn around, Lindsay and her friends are surrounding me. She smirks and pushes me up against the cool surface of the lockers. My back slams and makes a loud -pang- against the metal, making the marks from the belt sting like acid.

"Where's Pocahontas, Barbie?" she asks and chuckles along with her peers. My breathing increases rapidly and I feel my stomach turn. Her face leans in closer to mine, then her lips shift down lower to my ears. They brush lightly and I feel disgust fill my body. "Does your daddy know you don't like boys?" she whispers and her friends hold up a large, red and white cup. "We'll make sure he does." she finishes and pinches my cheek scornfully. I shut my eyes, ready to take the icy feel on my face. She punches me in the stomach, and that's when they splash it on me. All I see is a red flash, then my eyes burn like fire and oxygen is instantly taken away from my lungs. Their voices and giggling are faint; I can barely hear and barely see. I try and breathe in air and not the cherry substance. Obviously, my breathing is cut short. Too short. I struggle for oxygen as the icy residue slides off my face.

"Brittany?" I hear a voice. Barely hear it, actually. My eyes try and peer open to see what's before me. My vision captures a blurry Santana, frantically racing to my side. Her thumbs wipe the substance off my eyes as she kneels down to my level.

"Who did this?" she asks and takes me to the bathroom. She rinses all the stickiness off my hair calmly as I struggle to inhale deeply, but I can tell that on the inside she wants to hunt down who hurt me. I don't reply because I know if I do, it'll get worse. And when you piss her off, it's impossible to control her. All I do is stare at her longingly. She makes me forget about everything bad and lets me take in the good. And the only good is her. It'll always be her.

After school, I walk into the kitchen and go straight to the cupboards and cabinets. Moments later, my father strolls in with an irritated expression upon his face. Pretending I don't see him, I continue to look through all the snacks.

"I just got off the phone with Artie." he states and slides the house phone on the counter.

I don't respond. I continue to scatter through all the packets of junk food in the cupboard, in search of a chewy granola bar.

"He told me about your little friend. How she's a dyke."

My insides burn up with that word. Every cell in my body ignites like a flame to gasoline. He coughs and pours himself wine from the bottle that was left there since this morning.

"I don't want you with her. Understand?" he demands and I still don't answer. A sigh of frustration expels from his mouth as he sets the wine glass down.

"What happened between you and Artie?"

"Nothing happened."

"You broke up with him! Now I demand you go apologize and beg for forgiveness!" he shouts and practically smashes the counter with his fist.

"I don't want him!"

"No one else wants you! You're ugly! At least _he_ wants you!"

My heart drops to the pit of my stomach. Words hurt more than punches or bruises. He tries to grab my arm, but I move quickly. Now I know I've done something horrible. His eyes fill with a sulky color and his face begins turn into a light pink. I swallow hard and prepare for the worst. My instincts take over and I run out the kitchen, up the stairs frightfully, making it only a quarter of the way. Then, I run into my mother. All my hopes of escaping have vanished. She grabs a hold of both my shoulders, but I try to fight her grip. She releases me, then I roll at least five steps down and hit my left eyebrow on the marble floor. Blood covers my face and when I look up, my father is standing above me with such antipathy; my self esteem descends to its lowest. Yet, the fire in his eyes has lessened to a lower state. The beat of my heart seems to accelerate faster as he steps closer to me. He raises the back hand and smacks me. I love getting smacked across the face. It reminds me why I want to leave this place so much. The bitter taste of blood fills my mouth. My mother stands from afar watching me struggle to stop the excess blood from my eyebrow. She does nothing and walks into the kitchen while pushing Amelia away from her path. Father walks away into his office; as if the event that we both encountered never happened. Has he forgotten the many times he's made me cry? The feeling in my stomach rises; I feel like throwing up. Everything is spinning; it feels like I'm still rolling down the stairs again. My body aches; there are bruises all over my body. New ones and old ones; especially on my legs. Amelia runs my way with a wet cloth in her hand. She pats the blood streaming down the side of my face along with the new bruise on my lip.

"Oh, Ms. Brittany." she says under her breath and I begin to stand up weakly. A tear streams down my face, but I wipe it off immediately. They can't know how much they hurt me. My mother and father grab their coats and other things, then walk out. The tires of the BMW screech against the pavement and I can finally breathe. When I get up to my room, I move some items off my bed: books, pictures, and Santana's backpack. She forgot to take it.

Everything hurts. My head. My heart. My mouth. Then that feeling of emptiness takes over. I want to leave this place; runaway. To a better one.

Breathe in and out. It'll get better, Brittany. Just wait and see.

But when? _when_? I've waited for too long and I'm tired. My weary eyes can no longer handle so many nights without sleep and the pain in my heart just makes it worse. My wrist tingles. I need it again. That feeling of relief that makes the emptiness go away. If only just for a while.

Wait, no Brittany.

_What do you hear?_

I shake my head, erasing her voice that has replayed time and time again. My eyes wander around the room, eager to find something with a sharp edge. The glass of the picture frame. It smashes to the floor and breaks into a chunk big enough for my need. I yearn for that feeling again. My eyes meet with the scars on my wrist, but i don't see anything. The bracelet is in the way. I take it off and the glass gently glides across my wrist; slow and steady. Deep enough for me.

I did it. I broke her promise and I can't take it back. I'm frozen in place. The feeling of emptiness didn't seem to disappear like it usually did when I cut. Blood drips to the floor and some lands on the picture of Artie and my parents. It doesn't matter. I hated that picture anyway. All I do is sit by my dresser and the broken picture frame. Blank. Lifeless.

Suddenly, I hear an muffled voice call for my name from my balcony. It's Santana. Her eyes fill with terror and sadness when they land on my wrist. She enters my room instantly and grabs a towel from my bathroom, along with moist paper towels. They press against my open skin gently and slowly, but she works as fast as possible; like if she were running out of time. A knot forms in my throat and I can tell she's scared out of her mind. Her face grew pale and her eyes don't have a light sparkle anymore.

"You're here..." I say with a halfhearted smile and she nods quickly.

"I forgot my backpack." she replies and struggles with the paper towel in her hand. "Brittany, how could you do this?"

"I'm sorry, San. I broke your promise. I'm sorry." I sob hysterically as she quickly dabs a paper towel to my bleeding wound.

"Forget about that. Okay? Forget about your parents, about the promises and just remember that I'm here." she declares while trying to hold back her tears. The gauze wraps around my wrist, then she adds pressure. I wince in pain and she hushes me to stay calm. The maneuvers she's doing is as if she's done it before. Well, of course she has.

"I'm dizzy, San." I state as the room spins slightly. She runs to my dresser and grabs her bottle of apple juice.

"Here, drink some. Your blood sugar is low." she whispers and tips the bottle towards me as I take a sip. I feel nauseous, so I push it away. A horrible after taste fills my mouth. I tilt my head up and our eyes lock. Her's are so hurt. So scared. Suddenly, a tear streams down her face. My instincts kick in and my thumb wipes it away gently. I promised her one thing, then I broke it. Broke it like a vase in the hands of an alcoholic.

"Why are you crying?" I ask weakly and she let's out a short breath.

"I can't have you leave me, Brittany. Not you. I won't be able to handle it." she shuts her eyes in anguish and breathes out deeply. I hurt her. Again. And as many times as I try to prevent the pain from entering any particular part of her body; it never ends up working. Somehow, in some way, she always feels the pain. It hurts me, it hurts her, then it hurts _me_ again.

"I won't leave you."

"Promise?"

"I broke one already..." I whisper and glance at my wrist. "but will you believe me if I say yes?"

She nods slightly. I breathe out in relief and hug her as tight as my weak arms let me.

Amelia knocks, but I'm too low in stamina to even answer. She doesn't know Santana is here, so neither of us can open it. Suddenly, the door flings opens and a look of panic strikes her face. The door closes behind her as she rushes to my side. Santana takes the paper towels covered in blood to the bathroom while Amelia continues pressing down on my cut. She shakes her head, not ashamed, but in denial that any of this is happening.

"It's not that deep, so I don't think you'll need to go to the hospital." she says and sighs in relief. One hand cups my cheek lightly and I see her eyes begin to tear. I shake my head slightly as mine begin to drift shut.

"Brittany, stay awake." Santana tells me, but I can't. I'm tired. Her voice is fading as my mind takes me to another place; into a deep, deep sleep.


	22. Thursday  January 10, 2002

_You're fading away_

I wake up and turn to face the clock beside my bed. 8:23 am. School is the last place I want to go at this point. My body hurts even more than it did yesterday and my cuts sting as if they were being dumped in rubbing alcohol. I manage to sleep only a couple of hours, then awake with terrifying images in my head. Repeatedly, night after night, I drag myself out of nightmares and find out it's not worth staying here any longer.

Slowly, I walk to my bathroom and stare at my reflection. Pale blue eyes. Pale face. A swollen bottom lip.

_No one else wants you! You're ugly!_

His voice echoes repeatedly in my head; lowering my self esteem below sea level. Maybe it's true, but did he have to remind me? Does it satisfy him that much? I try my best to strive for perfection, but never seem to get any closer. I'm far from it. My blonde hair no longer has volume. My blue eyes no longer have a sparkle. And my pale face no longer has a creamy tint.

I walk out of my room and look around. No one is in sight. The house is lonely and dark like my mind.

Nothing is here for me. I grab the anti-depressants from my moms medicine cabinet and hide them in my shirt so that I can take them to my room. Amelia is downstairs cleaning; is what I'm guessing she's doing, and I have no clue where my parents went. They don't care about me anyway. I shut my door quickly and pour half in the palm of my hand, then stare at them. A couple of these and I'm gone, right? My life could be so much better in a matter of seconds. But how do I kill this monster without harming the people surrounding me? Wait, what people? A common misconception about suicidal teens remain in a high state. We're emo. We're selfish. We have no reason to want to leave this planet. We're blasphemous and crazy to even think of doing something so sinful. Well, no one needs to see and no one needs to know. Even if they did, they wouldn't care. If I tell the world anything, they'd just look at me in disgust and throw me aside, like they always do. They don't know how it feels to cry themselves to sleep every night. They don't know how it feels to glide a blade across their wrist just to feel secure again. No one knows how it feels unless they're experiencing it. The idea of death sounds more welcoming.

Slowly, I walk towards my bed and sit on the floor; leaning against it as I continue staring at the pills in my hand. My spine shivers. I can t handle stress properly. I feel a knot in my throat as I try to swallow. Then I hear a sound; like if someone were calling my name. It's Santana. Her voice is faint, but the voice of the monster inside me is the loudest. The doors are locked; all of them, so nobody comes in. And so nobody stops me. My head is throbbing. I put the pills back in the small, orange container and stand up. The room is spinning; I feel like I'm going to vomit my internal organs. My eyes land on the picture of Artie, my father, and my mother posing for a photo. I groan and knock everything off my dresser. Perfume bottles and picture frames fall to the floor, making the loud pang of breaking glass. It feels like someone is pouring acid on my cuts. Then, I hear footsteps stomping and running up the stairs like crazy.

"Brittany?" I hear a voice, it's Amelia. "Brittany, open the door please!"

I don't listen. I sit back against my bed again, in the same position I was before. My eyes are weak and I feel like sleeping forever. Once again, I pour the pills in my hand and stare at them longingly. If I swallow these white pills in my hand, I'll be calm again. My problems will no longer be a burden.

"Brittany!" Amelia's voice is echoing in my head.

"Leave!" I shout as tears begin forming in my eyes. This isn't me screaming, he's is taking over my body once again. Death. "Leave me alone!"

I hear more footsteps running up my stairs as I begin breathing deeply to calm myself.

Brittany, come back. Don't listen to him. Don't you remember why you're here?

"Brittany! Open the door, please!" I hear someone yell from the other side of my door while banging on it furiously. "Brittany!"

It's Santana. My eyes suddenly light up, along with my heart. But I don't have the strength to get up or even speak. So I don't answer. Its physically _hard_ to open my mouth or even move slightly. I play with the pills in the palm of my hand and pick one; just to look at it. Santana is trying to break open the door while Amelia begs me to open it. The frame surrounding the entrance begins to break off and I close my eyes. Finally, it breaks open and Santana runs inside quickly. My eyes are still closed, so she shakes my shoulder to wake me. Tears begin running down her face like a faucet as she takes away the pills in my hand.

"Brittany, what the hell are you doing?" she asks with a shaky voice and sobs. My eyes begin to drift open, then lock with hers.

"I didn't do it." I say weakly. "I couldn't." she turns my wrist so that my cuts are facing her. No blood.

"Thank god." she whispers and embraces me into her body. My head rests against her chest and I can hear her heart beat. A rhythm so fast, I'm scared it might not be normal.

"Why are you here?" I ask uneasily and she sighs.

"You didn't show up for English, so I ran out and came here."

Her eyes meet mine. Sullen brown eyes stab my heart with so much pain, I can barely keep my composure. That's when I realize this world is crazy and out of control, but when she's with me, it's sane. Like I can breathe again. She presses her lips against my forehead, making me melt.

"C'mon, you need to rest." she pulls me up and Amelia grabs all the pills, then flushes them down the toilet. Now my mother will be wondering where they are. I lie down and face her as she sits beside me on her knees. Her chin rests on her hands as they ball into fists to keep her eye level with mine. Amelia says something and walks out, but everything is just a blur. I can't focus. Tears form in her big brown eyes and my spine shivers with regret. If I hadn't done this, she wouldn't be hurting at the moment. I want to beg her, yell and scream for her to not cry, but I can't. Maybe she's better off without me. She wouldn't be hurting so much and she wouldn't have to worry about anything. Yet, I can't help but think that if I never met her, I wouldn't be here. I'd be with my grandma looking down at the earth. Watching all the high school teens live their lives like I wanted to so desperately. And I wouldn't even know her name.

"Brittany, you need to stop. Can you do that for me? Please?"

"...I'll try."

"No, Brittany! Don't _try_!" she sobs and tears stream down her precious cheeks. Not just one tear, several. And I can't keep them from coming down. She stands up abruptly and runs her hand through her hair. "just...just stop. Please."

I try and make my weak body sit up, but fail. Again, I try and finally sit up on the edge of my bed, then pull her in between my legs as she stands. Her eyes find mine. They make a connection I've never had with anyone but her. My hands run up her thighs; reminding myself why I've stayed alive for such a long time when all I wanted was to be gone. If I leave this world, she's the one person I'll miss the most. I won't be able to touch her and she wont be able to feel me. When I damage my body, I must remind myself I'm also damaging something of hers. Her heart. And unlike a wound, you can't mend a heart with stitches. The heart is an essential part of your body; one must be gentle in the process of healing it. Like Santana with me. When I met her, I believed I was useful in some way. Gradually, I felt the small pieces of my heart mend into its original form. But then, my parents remind me continuously how much of an imperfect human being I am. And I fall apart again.

Moments later, she begins to walk to my dresser and grabs something. The bracelet. Her palm holds onto it tightly as she comes back to her original position.

"You took it off." she whispers and unwraps her palm so that the bracelet is visible. I take it from her and stare at it longingly. Then give it back to her. She knows what to do with it. Both her hands grab one end and connects them. The 'S' in the center shines brightly; mocking me for taking it off. My gaze goes to her, but I see her eyes are glued to my cuts. She pushes the bracelet up, just enough to see the deep cut I did the day before. Her lips press against it lightly and all I can do is watch her heal it. Just take the pain away like an anesthetic. She looks up and our eyes meet almost instantly. My left hand reaches for her neck, pulling her in gently. Our lips brush, then touch softly and longingly. My heart is beating faster than the speed of light. We separate; our foreheads recline on each others as we take in the heartfelt moment. She lies down beside me; on the right. All I need is her presence. Her eyes burn with such passion, I find it impossible for her to be falling for me. But it's happening and that's the only thing saving me.

A couple of minutes pass, then I get up and get out her journal from my backpack. A soft smile comes across her lips as I set the black notebook on her stomach. She opens to the page I left off and clears her throat.

"_It's hard to smile when I think about you because then I remember you're no longer in my presence. Everything seemed fine that day. We got up, ate breakfast, but then you said you felt sick, so you stayed home. I left for school, then came back. Next thing you know, I didn't have a brother anymore. I can still hear the shrill cry that escaped my lips when I came home the day you had decided to end your life. I knocked once: no answer. I knocked twice, then a third time, then called your name._

_'Santiago?'_

_Usually, you'd answer. Why weren't you answering? I kicked open the locked door and there you were; hanging from the ceiling fan of your room. I remember vaguely one day you went to the hospital to get your stomach pumped. But for what? We were young then, about eleven or twelve and in seventh grade. I asked our mother what had happened to you, but she said not to worry; you were all right and that's all that mattered. Actually, that is all that mattered. Now imagine the feeling that came about in my heart when I saw your body before me that day. May 29, 1999: the day you made bullies regret calling you 'fag'. For a moment, I think I stopped breathing as well. My eyes closed and shut again because I couldn't believe what was happening. I shook your body and yelled for you to come back, but when I checked the beating of your heart; you were long gone. When I called mother to tell her the tragic news, the line went dead. Silent. Then I heard a sheer cry. And in that one moment of horror, I knew she slightly died inside as well._"

her shaky voice continues to process in my head as she closes the journal in her lap and looks up at the ceiling. I can sense the feeling of abandonment she had felt when he left. It's taken over her. When my eyes land on her, she doesn't look to me. But I know she's dying inside. I have memorized every look that has come upon her face. Her eyes stay glued to the space above her and I see she's not with me anymore.

Wait, San. Take me with you. Don't freaking leave me! **Take me with you!**

Tears swell up in my eyes and one begins to stream down my cheek, but suddenly, I feel her thumb wipe it off gently. I look up and her eyes find mine. They're weak. A soft smile plays across her lips and press softly against my forehead. She's with me again; I'm calm. My eyes close, taking in the profound amount of affection she's giving off. I imagine myself breaking apart from everyone and everything, but then there's that hope that it'll get better. I need her by my side for that hope to stay alive; or it'll die along with my soul. There are over a billion people that make the world, but I only need her to make mine.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note: <strong>Hey guys! Thank you so much for reading. Writing this chapter actually made me cry. ); Well, I hope you like it so far & the rest that are to come. (:


	23. Friday  January 11, 2002

_I know it hurts to hear this_

I arrive at school and see Sam standing by my locker. His eyes meet mine and I automatically sense the feeling of a lecture coming on. After what has happened the past few days, I'm sure everyone knows.

"Hey," he greets me and breathes out deeply as I open my locker. His muscular arm reclines on the lockers beside me while he continues to watch me. "you okay?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"Brittany..."

I turn to him and his eyes scream for the truth. A short breath escapes my lips. I'm stuck. I don't know what to say. A tear suddenly streams down my face and he immediately embraces me in his arms. I can feel his jaw clench; he's angry. Ever since we met, he's treated me like a little sister. Telling Santana over and over again to not break my heart. Telling all the jocks that want me to back off. With him, my family only grew bigger.

"It'll get better. Remember that." he whispers and we separate. I nod and wipe my tears from my face. That's what I'm hoping. For everything to get better. Battling this depression is either going to kill me, or get me out of the abyss I'm desperately trying to climb out of.

As I walk to gym class, I keep checking over my shoulder just in case Lindsay decides to follow me. To my surprise, I find her standing before me. I bump into her and all my things drop to the floor. She and her friend laugh as I struggle hurriedly to pick up my stuff. Our eyes meet, and I stand up once more.

"Where ya' been, Barbie?" she asks sarcastically and pushes me, but I don't lose balance, so I keep walking. Both girls continue following behind me. My instincts kick in and I immediately run into the girls bathroom. Her friend grabs me before I make it into the stall and slams me against the cool, tiled wall. They both chuckle and the brunette that grabbed me covers my mouth with her hand. Lindsay steps closer to and holds her hand to my neck.

"When did you become a pill popper? I can see they didn't work since you're still here." her voice is slowly becoming harder to hear. I can feel my face heating up and turning red as she tightens her grip on my neck. Oxygen is lacking in my lungs and I feel like throwing up. Her face leans in closer to me while I try and fight her off.

"Just kill yourself already." she hisses, then unwraps her hand from my neck. "or I'll do it for you."

Slowly, my eyes begin refocusing from dark shadow that was forming. Air finally makes it into my lungs as I struggle for a full breath. Lindsay and her friend begin walking out while I sit down by the sink, trying to calm myself. Suddenly, Santana walks in along with Quinn and Rachel. My heart drops to the endless pit of my stomach. Santana's eyes burn with the most intense fire I have ever come across and her fists clench as tight as they possibly can. Quinn stands beside her, with an equal sized flame burning in her iris, while Rachel races to my side.

"Santana, don't." I state out of breath and stand up quickly with Rachel helping me up.

"No, this needs to end. _Now_."

"What are you going to do? You're just a bunch of dykes." Lindsay acclaims scornfully and chuckles.

"I may be a dyke, but I can still kick your ass!"

They step closer to each other, as does her friend. I race to Santana's side and drag her away, but it's not use. The brunette from earlier pushes Quinn and back hand smacks her. Lindsay does the same to Santana, but ends up tripping her so she falls to the floor. They punch and slap, until finally, Santana gets on top of her and begins choking her. Rachel desperately tries to break up Quinn and the brunette as I try to grab Santana. Lindsay turns red, then slightly purple while seconds pass. I desperately try and pull Santana off, but she just keeps tightening her hands around her neck.

"Santana, let go!" I exclaim and grab her shoulders, but it's not working. Punches and slaps are being thrown my way through the process. "Santana, stop!" I demand and wrap my arms around her stomach, then lift her off. Finally, she separates from Lindsay. She takes in a full breath and begins coughing loudly. Rachel finally breaks up the brunette and Quinn; they stand on one side by Santana and I, while the brunette on the other. My eyes stare at them skeptically. Could this be happening? Quinn has a new bruise on her lip, accompanied by a small, but deep, scratch on her cheek bone area. Rachel wears a small scratch on her eye brow and messed up hair. Santana has a fairly visible bruise on her right eye and a new cut on the left side of her lip. I don't feel hurt, but then I feel my head throb like a hammer to a nail. The left of my temple area has a minor open wound; I can feel a small amount of blood drip down. Santana looks at me, then back down at Lindsay still catching her breath; traumatized with wide eyes. As if she didn't remember doing a single thing. A lump forms in my throat and I can tell she's about to break down. Her breathing quickens, then she runs out. I race out behind her as she runs down the hall into a small, dim corner. Her back slams against the wall and her body slides down. I notice tears forming at the brim of her eyes. A sob escapes her throat and I kneel down to her level. All I do is embrace her. Embrace her more than anything because that's what she needs right now. I feel her tears land on my shoulder as she attempts to relieve herself. My grip becomes tighter. All I want is for her to stop hurting. To stop crying. Because when she cries, she doesn't realize it kills me inside.

"Hey, hey," I begin in a low tone and separate so that our eyes meet. She looks deeply into me with wet remains of tears on her cheeks. I wipe them off with my thumb and tilt her head up. She sniffs and holds onto my wrist, stroking my cuts lightly. "everything will be fine. Okay? Stop crying. She's not worth it."

"She's not," she begins weakly and presses her forehead against mine. "but you _are_."

My heart beats faster and faster as she engraves her name into my soul with her eyes. A soft smile plays on my lips and I can't help but lean in and press them against hers. Her hand cups my cheek delicately and mine travels down her arm, then rests on her waist. She inhales from her nose softly; taking in all the security I have to offer.

Moments later, Quinn comes from down the hall along with Rachel. Their faces carry a somber expression and all I see is hurt in their eyes.

"Hey, you guys okay?" she asks in a low tone and brings Rachel closer to her body. I nod and help Santana stand up. The several cuts and bruises on all three of their faces make my spine shiver. Tears come to my eyes; I try my best to fight them off. Rachel pulls me in and hugs me tightly.

"Thank you." I whisper in her ear and I can sense a smile play across her lips. Quinn wraps one arm around Santana and kisses her head while messing up her hair. Frowns faded away and now all I see are smiles.

"You should go to the nurse, Quinn. You too, Rachel." I suggest and they look at each other, then nod in agreement.

"Call me if you need me, S." Quinn declares and holds out her fist for her to pound. Their knuckles connect for a second, then Quinn's gaze locks with mine.

"You too, B." she assures me and taps my nose playfully. Rachel nods and they begin walking down the hallway with linked arms.

Santana rests her head on my shoulder and licks her lips. The blood still remains on the open wound that was made earlier. I make sure no one is in the bathroom and take her inside. My hand reaches for a paper towel, then I stick it under the running water. One of the corners dab on her cut lightly. She gives a grimace in pain and inhales deeply.

"Thanks." she says with a soft smile. I mirror her and kiss her cheek gently.

"How did you know?" I ask in a whisper. She locks her eyes with mine. A short breath expels from her mouth, I can sense a kind of nervous tension rise before us.

"I can feel it. My heart just starts hurting and that's when I know I need to look for you."

I smile and engrave this memory in my mind forever. Her arms wrap around my neck while mine wrap around her waist, pulling her in closer to my body. I feel the immediate pang of electricity that always seems to ignite when I touch her. It's whats keeping me alive.

After school, Santana walks me home and takes me up to my room. We lie down, in our usual spots. A routine I got so used to doing with her and only her. No one else. My head is throbbing slightly from all the crying I've done in the past two days and I can tell she's not doing so well either. I rest my head on her chest and listen to her breathing. Something I'd miss if I were no longer on this planet. Her lips press against my head lightly and my body gradually starts to heal from all the affliction it has endured since forever.

"What you did today scared me." I confess and play with the hem of her jacket. She breathes out deeply and strokes my hair softly.

"Sorry. I just...I just don't want you getting hurt. I can't lose you either."

I grab her hand and kiss it lightly; thanking her for caring because if I didn't have her, Lindsay would have made me end myself a long time ago.

"What you did yesterday scared me, too." she whispers and holds my hand as tight as I'll let her. My heart drops. Regret fills every part of my body.

If I had been successful in taking my life, I wouldn't be here lying in bed. She wouldn't be healing me with one touch of her skin on mine or talking to me like right now; she'd be crying her eyes out beside my lifeless body. I wouldn't have butterflies in my stomach; I'd be in a casket with my cold hand laced with hers as she mourns over my death.

"Brittany," she whispers and soothes all the aching muscles in my body. My heart cavorts as quick as my body lets it. "...you won't leave me, right?"

I shake my head and wrap one arm over her stomach. She breathes out in relief. I stare at her longingly while her gaze stays glued to the ceiling. Her hand strokes my blonde hair gently; like if I were a fragile vase about to break. I _was_. Yesterday, I wanted to die. Today, I want to live forever because she's here with me; reminding me why I wake up every morning. Why I'm breathing. And why I waited for so long in search of someone to actually care. SHE cares. Maybe she's the only one, but that's enough for me. Sometimes, there are days where I'm okay. I can get through a few hours without anyone. But other times, I'm not okay. And that's when I need her help.


	24. Thursday  February 28, 2002

**Author's note:** Hey guys! This chapter is kind of short, so I'll make sure to update as soon as I can. Thanks so much! I wish I could hug all of you. Well, I know I've got some things to cover and I'm trying to make the chapters longer so hang in there! Plus, I'm almost out of summer vacation so there'll be more updating. Thanks again. (:

* * *

><p><em>But I don't want to stay<em>

Santana and I finished the project yesterday when we came home form school. She finished painting the portrait of me, making it seem like our tree was fading into the background. I've never met anyone with her kind of talent.

As we both wait patiently for Mrs. Lindroff to call our names, I look down at the laminated poem and begin to scan for any errors.

**Journey to Love**

Stay with me

I need you here

Listen to my thoughts

As I whisper in your ear

_Keep me in your mind _

_And you'll see me in your dreams _

_You don't have to stay _

_Being alone isn't as bad as it seems_

I like being alone

But you understand me better

Both of us are hurting

So lets stay together

_Scars fade away _

_But memories remain _

_The thought of your presence_

_ Just heals the pain_

I don't want to be here

But it's just not fair

That I'm the one leaving

When you're always there

_My vision is blurry _

_You're fading away _

_I know it hurts to hear this _

_But I don't want to stay_

Don't ask me how I'm doing

'Cause I won't know what to say

I want someone to hold me

And tell me everything's okay

_Listen to my screaming _

_Take the first cab you see _

_Tell the driver to hurry _

_I need you to come back to me_

I'm sick, I'm lost

I need you near me

Take my hand; lead me out

I can't see clearly

_I'm devoted to you _

_But you can't see _

_That when you cut _

_You're hurting me_

Life without you

Is like losing air

One moment I can breathe

Then I can't if you're not there

_No one cares when you're sad _

_No one cares when you're happy _

_Maybe if I leave _

_People will worry about me_

I've broken all my promises

There's nothing left to keep

I can't hear your voice, or see your face

Don't let me fall asleep

_Life is supposed to be fun So when does it start?_

_When I slit my wrists,_

_Or begin to fall apart?_

You can't escape yourself

It's all in your head

If only people knew I go to sleep,

Wishing I was dead

_You look like summer _

_But cry like rain _

_A smile is on your face _

_No one sees you're in pain_

I want to be with you five years from now

Then turn to you and say:

I told you we'd make it

Now everything's okay

_Your warmth is my savior _

_Bring your body close to me _

_Your beating heart and kind words _

_Make me fall for you so easily_

Show me how to ease the pain

'Cause I don't know how

There might not be a tomorrow

So stay with me now

There are none. Santana glances at me, then at the portrait beside us. It looks beautiful with the engraved lettering and green leaves and bushes surrounding the area. Mrs. Lindroff calls our names to walk up with our project and to set it down. Santana leans the painting against the side of her desk and I hand in the laminated poem. She smiles, a genuine smile and we walk back to our seat. Our classmates glare at us and whisper while we turn back around. Suddenly, Santana trips over someone's foot and lands on her hands and knees.

"What the hell was that for?" she asks the girl and all she does is smirk. It's one of Lindsay's friends; the brunette. I glare at her and she chuckles.

"It's not my fault you can't walk _straight_." she says in a low tone and stands up to meet Santana's eye level. I see Santana's jaw clench angrily along with her fists.

"San, just let it go." I whisper and try grabbing her wrist, but she fights me off.

"Ladies." Mrs. Lindroff says, but it doesn't affect them at all.

"Repeat that." she tells the girl and steps closer.

"I think you heard me." she replies coldly and Santana almost attacks her, but luckily, I grabbed her just in time.

"Let me go, Brittany! Let me go!" she shouts and I drag her into the hallway. For moments, she tries and tries fighting my grip, but fails.

"Why'd you do that? I almost had her!" she shouts and bangs the locker behind me.

"You can't be attacking people like that, Santana!"

"You don't get it, Brittany!" she exclaims weakly and breathes out deeply. I stay calm in my place, not moving at all because no matter how angry she gets; I know she'd never hurt me. Her chest is heaving, her cheeks are bright red with anger, and her eyes are a dark, dark brown. Our eyes meet and she instantly begins to calm down. I've learned that not just any person can bring her back to her original demeanor. It takes someone special. So, I'm guessing, I'm pretty special. A short breath releases from her lungs as she drifts her eyes shut. I bite the inside of my cheek, not knowing what to do next, and then wrap my arms around her neck. Relief fills her body and her arms wrap around my waist. We separate, then she stares at me longingly. Her lips don't move to speak, but when she looks into my eyes I can see every word she so desperately wants to scream out. I kiss her forehead and press mine against hers. Our hearts beat continuously, like they're meant to be.

"I'm sorry," she begins. "...I just miss him."

Everything makes sense. All the pieces connect and make a puzzle.

"I get it." I reply and lick my lips. My hand reaches for hers, then I take out my phone to order a cab.

"Where are we going?" she asks with a strange look on her face. I shush her and hold her hand even tighter.

We arrive at the cemetery and she stays speechless in her seat. Tears form in her eyes as she makes her way to where her brother lay for the past months.

"I'll leave you alone." I whisper and walk away and go down a couple of grave stones to my grandparents. Its peaceful and quiet. The birds are chirping and the sun is shining brightly over the horizon. I sit down Indian style on the grass and just stare at the cursive letters on the stone. My fingers trace over them gently, then I feel a warm hand on my shoulder. I turn, no one is there. She's here; my grandmother. I hear a deep voice whisper my name and close my eyes with a slight smile on my face. That's my grandfather. I'd know his voice anywhere.

I open my eyes again. My hand strokes the grass before me and I can feel them watching me. Listening to me. Protecting me. All the weight that once rested on my chest has now been lifted off. "See that girl over there?" I ask the open air and a tear streams down my face, landing on the grass below me. "I'm falling so hard for her..."

The breeze flows through my hair and makes the leaves on the trees whistle. I close my eyes and let the sun hit my body as I take in its warmth. I just wish they were alive to see how happy she makes me.

"I miss you both so much..." I say weakly and hear another whisper. I can't make out who it is. Another tear comes down my cheek, but I wipe it away.

Moments later, I hear someone coming towards me as they step on the grass. It's Santana. She smiles weakly and I inhales sharply. Her hand reaches out for me to stand up and I receive it. Hand in hand, we walk to her brother and sit on the grass. She sighs deeply and I notice the sulky expression that had been on her face vanish instantly. The earth was practically lifted off her chest.

"San..." I whisper and she tilts her head to face me. The wind makes her hair flow beautifully and the sun makes her caramel skin shimmer. So badly, I want to control myself from having these thoughts at this moment, but I can't. My desire for her has grown since the day I first saw her. She runs her tongue across her lips and has her eyes meet mine. Slowly, I lean in and press my lips against hers gently. Then, I feel my face flush red.

Not in front of her brother, Brittany. Have some respect.

She smiles and looks to the grass shyly. "What was that for?"

I sigh, then shrug slightly while staring at her eagerly, wanting to find out so much more about her than what I already know. All I asked for was for someone to notice my existence, but Santana is giving me so much more than that. She's giving me security, confidence, motivation and love. Love so strong that I can even feel her heart clench when we're thinking of each other from long distances. Our souls have merged and now we're one. If she's hurting, I can feel it. And if I'm hurting, she can feel it. That's just how it works.


	25. Wednesday  March 13, 2002

Don't ask me how I'm doing

"Hey, Barbie!" a voice shouts for me from down the hall. I keep walking and ignore the person because I already know who it is. Foot steps grow louder and louder along with the beating of my heart. Suddenly, I'm shoved against a locker by two of Lindsay's friends.

"Where ya' going, hmm?" she asks scornfully and pinches my cheek. Her friends grab a hold of both my wrists and let my things drop to the floor. I try and fight them off, but I can't.

"Katie, don't let her go." she demands and looks to the brunette that had tripped Santana the other day. My insides begin to burn with anger as her eyes bury toxic holes into my body.

"Don't you get tired, Lindsay?" I ask coldly and the smirk on her face fades away. "Don't you get tired of being a bitch all the time?"

Her face now glows red and her eyes transform into a darker color. A short breath comes from her mouth as she starts to raise her right arm from behind her back.

"This is blue, like your eyes." she hisses into my ear and throws a blue slushie on my face. Immediately, my eyes begin stinging and burning, but I manage to handle the pain. I got used to it. It doesn't affect me as much as it did before.

"If this didn't hurt you, then I know what will."

She walks away. I race to the bathroom and wash my face. Thousands of images are running through my head and I can barely think. My eyes meet with the reflection in front of me. The burning has settled and now I look like a zombie. Eyes are bloodshot, hair is sticky, and my lips are slightly blue. Still, I can't stop thinking about what Lindsay had said. Panic sweeps through my insides. Come to think of it, this is nothing. I'll make it through the day.

Hours later, the last dismissal bell rings, so I walk to my locker. Santana isn't here yet and usually she'd meet me if she went somewhere else during the period. While walking out of the halls, I see her struggling to carry her backpack. It looks like she came from behind the bleachers. Of course, by habit, I run to her side. Her posture immediately stiffens and she stands straight up with a forced smile to her face.

"Hey Britt, I didn't know you were still here."

She doesn't want our eyes to meet because she keeps glancing down at the pavement. I try and look at her face, but she tilts her head in a different direction. I'm not that gullible though. I notice her split lip and the bruise on her left eye with a small cut above her right eyebrow.

_If this didn't hurt you, then I know what will._

It was her. I know it was. She was right. It did hurt me and she knew it would. Watching Santana wince and grimace in pain makes my heart shatter into pieces so small they can't be seen. All the things I had told Lindsay have already been said. They can't be taken back. And neither can Santana's pain. The pain in my chest is unbearable and the stamina I just happened to gain is going to reach is maximum point when I see Lindsay. Quickly, I race back to where Santana had been and see Lindsay with her friends.

"Brittany!" Santana shouts for me, but I don't respond. As I walk closer and closer to Lindsay, her friends scatter to different areas and watch as I approach her.

"C'mon, hurt me. Kick _me_, punch _me_, slap _me_, but don't freaking touch _her_."

"Brittany, stop please." Santana tugs on my arm, but I fidget away.

"Did you hear that girls she-"

"No, this is me and you. No one else."

She steps somewhat closer to me as Santana tries to pull me away. A smirk plants across her lips and her arms cross to her chest. "That's not how it goes here, Barbie."

"Brittany, we need to leave _now._" Santana declares and turns my arm so that our eyes meet. She glances down, swallows hard, then looks at me once again. I follow the path of her former gaze and see that Katie is standing behind Lindsay with a bat. A lump forms in my throat and my breathing is cut short. Lindsay's eyes meet mine and they scream hatred as she stands in place with the rest of her group.

"Run." she whispers and Katie immediately begins swinging the bat like a maniac. My instincts cover for Santana's protection and shield her from any hits she might encounter. Luckily, she didn't get hurt. Santana and I run for seconds that feel like the quantity of a year. She stops and exhales deeply while groaning in pain. Her hand presses against a spot below her ribcage. As she catches her breath, I look around and see no one in sight. I take her backpack from her shoulder and rub her back so she can breathe easily. She groans slightly and lets her eyes meet mine. They look hurt. The vitality she had in them and her body has now vanished into the air. I can't help but think it was my fault. Everything that's happened this year is mainly because of me. All the names she's been called, all the bruises she's had all seem to link to me. And all I can think about is how much better she'd be if I never showed up.

No, Brittany she needs you like you need her.

Maybe she does and maybe she doesn't, but I can't control the voices in my head from thinking negatively.

After walking for a couple of minutes, we go up to my room and I gently help her sit on the bed. I stare at her dismally. All the bruises and cuts on her face and around her body make me regret even breathing the same air as Lindsay. She smiles, a genuine, heart warming smile that manages to make me feel a little better.

"Here, lie on your stomach." I state and massage her shoulders gently. She winces in pain and does what I asked. Her arms cross and she places her head on top while breathing in heavily. My arm extends to the dresser and into one of my drawers for a small lotion bottle. I squeeze a small amount of peppermint lavender lotion on my palm and spread it around with the other. My hands begin massaging the skin of her back, but suddenly come into contact with her bra. A red bra. Her favorite color. I pull her shirt up higher and unclasp the hooks. A soft breath of air releases from her mouth as she closes her eyes in relaxation.

"Did I hurt you?" I ask in a low tone and stop my hand movements. She shakes her head and I notice a small smile come upon her lips.

Again, my hands caress and press lightly against her sore body. The small bruises come in contact with my eyes. The warm feeling in my stomach is taken over by a much cooler one. They travel to the midsection of her back and down lower. My thumbs stroke her tattoo gently, thinking of the pain she must have endured to make that engraving in her skin. It's beautiful. Just like everything else about her. Gently, I place myself on her thighs as she stays in her position. She buries her face into the pillow under her and sighs deeply. My eyes land on a purple bruise by her neck. Her silky, brown hair is in the way, so I move it to the side. I stroke the small injury delicately and she inhales deeply from her nose. My lips press against the purple mark, then down the rest of her back. The tension that was building up in her muscles is now gone. Intimate moments like these are going to end up killing me one day. At times, I want her. I want her to say my name in ecstasy. I want her to feel our souls connect as we take each other to a different level. I want her to take the only thing that's left of me, because she already has my heart. My hands slide down her back, applying pressure to relieve the soreness. She moans and sighs breathlessly. The beating of my heart seems to increase and the only thing my ears hear is that sound replaying continuously.

She begins to turn her body ever so slowly to face me, while I lift myself up. I straddle her hips and look down at her. She places her hands on my waist and tightens her grip on the hem of my shirt. I lean in lower and our lips touch. Our tongues come in contact and our souls touch as well. The emptiness in my body is restored to its normality. Butterflies tickle my stomach, making me feel like I'm flying along with them. Can she feel it? Because when I'm with her, that's basically how I feel all the time. We separate and have our eyes meet one another's. It doesn't feel real, but I'm so glad it is. A soft smile takes over her lips, then she pushes her self up with her elbows and kisses my neck lightly. She goes down to her former position and all I do is stare at her. Her beauty can never be compared to any other woman on this planet. It's not possible. My eyes avert to the several cuts on her face.

"This was my fault." I begin weakly and run my thumb over the small cut on her lip. She pecks it before I remove my touch and shakes her head.

"No it wasn't."

"Yes it was. You know it was."

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does because I'm hurting you." she looks at me confused. I sigh in frustration, then fix my bangs to the side. "Ever since I came to McKinley, you've been getting hurt."

"Listen Britt, I don't care if I get hurt. If I'm protecting you, then it doesn't matter what happens to me. Ever since you came I've been happier than before. You mean everything to me and if I have to choose between getting hurt while having you and not having you, then I'd get hurt a lot more."

"...It's your turn to hurt me." I state with a soft smile and glance at her. She does the same and giggles lightly.

"If I ever hurt you, it's because I'm protecting you from something way worse. You know that, right?"

I nod and emblazon this very moment into my memories. The way she cares for me makes me feel like the only important person on this planet. Like no one else is surrounding me. That's how I see it when she's by my side.

"You're brave, San." I whisper and lie down next to her, embracing her into my body as much as she lets me. "You can do anything."

She giggles and kisses my forehead. "No I can't."

"Fine. Name one thing you can't do."

A pause. After moments she breathes in and strokes my hair lightly with her fingers. "Look at you and tell myself to leave."

Another pause, then she sighs.

"...I'm not brave enough to do that."

Silence fills the space between us once more. As I lie down on her chest, I can hear her heart beat speed up.

"But you said you'd never leave me." I whisper and sit up enough to look at her. She puts on a halfhearted smile, kisses me, then looks deeply into my eyes. My heart twirls and cavorts as if I had taken some kind of drug. But wait, she _is_ my drug and no amount of her will ever destroy my addiction.

After a couple of minutes, her eyes drift shut and I can hear her soft snore as she inhales. Along with her, I begin to feel a bit drowsy and close my eyes.

The sound of a slamming door awakes me. My eyes avert to the clock on my dresser. 7:23 pm. Immediately, I shake Santana, but try not to hurt her while doing so. Her eyes jerk open and lock with mine.

"What-What happened?" she asks frightened and sits up.

"My parents are home. C'mon," I help her stand and walk her to the closet as fast as possible.

"Brittany!" my mother shouts and bangs on the door. It flings open and I see her stand at the threshold blankly. "What have you done all day?"

"I just took a nap."

Her eyes look around curiously. My hands feel clammy all of a sudden and I can't really breathe. She scoffs and slams my door shut once more. A sigh of relief escapes my lips as I get Santana from my closet.

"I'll take you home." I whisper and grab two jackets for the both of us.

"Brittany, I can ride the bus. It's fine."

"No, I'm not letting you go alone."

We go down the balcony as careful as possible and finally make to the ground. From afar, I signal Jeffery to order a cab for us, then we wait. It pulls up minutes later and I help her get inside. She smiles as I slide in beside her and place the jacket over her small body. My arm wraps around her neck, then she leans into my chest. Little things like these always make me feel like I'm floating. When I look down, I notice Santana is sleeping again. My lips press against her head as the sound of the engine continues throughout the purple night sky.

We arrive at her apartment. Adriana opens the door, then Santana and I walk slowly inside. Her mouth opens slightly in awe, but we continue our path to Santana's room. She lies down, looks into my eyes, then pulls me into her and our lips lock almost instantly. They move passionately and I can feel her hands roam on several parts of my body. Down my chest, down my back, and lower to my backside. In my head I'm screaming for her not to stop making me feel this way, because the feeling in my stomach is explainable, but I can't help but feel guilty. She takes off my jacket, then reaches for the hem of my shirt, pulling it up. My lips separate from hers and my hand reaches for her to stop.

"San," I say breathlessly and shake my head. "we can't."

A frown comes upon her face as she pushes herself up on her elbows. "You don't want to. I get it."

"No, no, no. Trust me, I do. God, I do. It's just that you're body is hurting and I don't want to disrespect your mom like that..."

She looks down at the floor, with sadness still in her eyes.

I lift her chin so that her eyes meet mine and kiss her forehead. "We'll do it when we're ready. Okay?"

She nods and smiles while lacing her hand with mine.

"What you need is sleep for your body to recover." I demand and put blankets over her body.

"Nurse Brittany Pierce. _Hot_."

I roll my eyes playfully and she giggles. "I'm going to go now. Don't you dare leave this bed."

She nods and leans in to peck my lips. "Bye."

"Bye."

After walking out, I order a cab back home. All I can think about is what would have happened if I didn't stop her from lifting my shirt. The moment she looked into my eyes before our lips touched was as if she was stopping time from passing by. Her eyes always seem to bury themselves into my body. She knows it makes me weak and I can barely stand, breathe, or remember my name. Everyday that I'm with her, I'm falling just a little harder. The moment she walks into the room or graces me with her presence just makes my heart beat at an uncontrollable rate. A few moments of my body against hers may cause me to have a heart attack and even a couple of seconds of us locking eyes will make me crave her even more. I've memorized every look that has come upon her face for the time I've known her. When she's shy, angry, jealous or happy. Every angry face and bright smile she does just makes her more beautiful than she thinks. The beauty that no one has ever noticed is now being noticed by me and I'm doing my best to take it all in as much as possible. I've come to realize that feelings like these have never spiraled out up until I met Santana. I've never wanted someone so much, or needed someone so much. Long story short: I just really need her.

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><p><strong>Author's note: <strong>Hey guys! So, I just wanted to thank all of you for reading and giving me all those reviews. (': It's really nice to read every single one. Thanks again! ** _Spoiler alert:_** Brittana sex is almost here. (Did you notice?)


	26. Saturday  March 23, 2002

'Cause I won't know what to say

The sun is just about to set as I lie in bed, reading and scanning through a bunch of different old books. I reach for Santana's journal, but a soft knock comes from my sliding door and I quickly jump up to answer it. Santana stands behind the transparent door with a huge smile planted across her face. I invite her in and immediately wrap my arms around her neck. My lungs inhale the scent of her strawberry vanilla essence while her arms tighten around my waist. My world automatically feels complete. We separate and I sit on my side of the bed. My hands begin to feel clammy with her presence. She sits across from me and smiles softly.

"You okay?" she asks and wants to meet my gaze as I look down at the floor.

"Yeah, it's just that I would have gotten ready if I knew you were coming."

"How you look doesn't matter to me." she replies shyly and blushes as a grin plants across my lips. "So, uhh...what have you been up to?"

"Nothing."

"That's what you did all day?"

I giggle. "Yeah, basically."

"Good thing I showed up." she replies with a smirk and leans in to place a long, chaste kiss on my lips.

"Where's Amelia? Is she here?"

"No, I told her to leave since my parents won't be back till tomorrow afternoon."

She nods understandingly and sighs.

"I'm thirsty, I'm going to go get some water." I state and walk to the door entrance, then stop.

"Aren't you coming?"

She scoffs playfully. "No, you're a big girl."

I raise my eyebrows and she laughs. "Hurry! I'm thirsty too."

I roll my eyes and continue my path down the stairs. I pour myself a cool glass of water, then reach for another cup from the cupboard. Moments later, I feel arms wrap around my waist from behind and soft lips tickle my neck.

"I thought you weren't coming down here."

"I got scared."

I laugh and turn around her hand her the glass of water. She takes two sips and sets it back down. I do the same and grab her hand to lead her up to my room.

"Aren't you supposed to be working?" I ask and place the several books that were on my bed on the dresser across the room.

She shrugs and a soft smirk plays across her lips as she sits on one corner of my bed. "I went somewhere."

"Where?"

She giggles and looks at me deeply. "...can I show you something?"

I nod and take a seat a couple feet away from her. She begins to take off her basket ball jacket along with her shirt. Now she's in her bra. My chest begins to heave as my lungs struggle for air. What is she doing? Our eyes lock and she smiles while I let out a nervous giggle. She turns around and has her left shoulder facing me. Her hand reaches for a white patch covering a certain part of her skin. Suddenly, my eyes land on cursive lettering of my name. A tattoo of _my_ name. Immediately, my eyes begin to fill with tears. My thumb strokes it as gently as possible, trying not to press on it too hard. The memory of me kissing the same spot in the locker room takes over my head and I smile. That was the day her bra unsnapped. I wonder if she remembers it too. It's beautiful and I can't believe she did this for me. I scoot closer and press my lips on her skin lightly. Her head tilts towards me and our eyes lock. We stare at each other momentarily, then I lean in once again and kiss her lips. This kiss is passionate. Affectionate. And everything I've dreamed of. What is this feeling? I've never felt this kind of attraction towards someone before. She lies down on my bed and I straddle her hips as our lips separate.

"Brittany..." she says breathlessly and I feel my heart stop. The way she says my name is like its protected in her mouth. No one can steal it, or use it to their advantage because she's always been so careful. I love how she says my name. As I kiss her neck, slowly making my way down, she can't help but pull me closer to her. Her right hand tangles in my hair and her left goes a little lower to my backside. Our eyes meet and we're both breathing heavily. She licks her lips and inserts her thumb in the belt loop of my jeans; to balance herself. A smile comes across her face and she leans in to kiss me. Our lips touch and our tongues slowly dance around in each others mouths. It feels like I'm floating and my heart is filled with so much love for this girl. It's indescribable. Slowly, we separate once more and she breathes out softly.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" she asks in a low tone and licks her lips. I nod and she smiles. That look she gives me when she needs my body against hers just makes me so weak. Like shes an essential part of my life. And she is. More than she knows. I can feel the warmth of my breath tickle the skin of her neck and cause her to exhale deeply. One of my legs go in between both of hers, then her back arches as my thigh presses against her core. The passion in her eyes when she stares at me lets me know how much she needs every part of my body with hers. She reaches for the hem of my shirt and slowly begins to pull it off. There's no need to take hers off because shes already done so. Everything suddenly starts going in slow motion. Her hand sliding down my chest. Her eyes gazing deeply into mine. And her chest rising and descending. I want her. Not how an aroused teenage boy wants her. In another way. Because she's worth so much more than that. I want to feel what it's like to make love to the person that seemed to have captured your soul. She pushes her self up with her elbows and I lean in to kiss her softly. My hand cups her cheek gently, then makes its way down her neck and on her shoulder. My heart feels like its exploding fireworks as I touch every inch of her caramel skin. Then our eyes lock. She embraces my waist into her body as I slide off the bra strap from her shoulder. I begin placing small kisses down her precious body and conjure goosebumps on the sensitive places of her skin. She pulls my chin up and her eyes find mine. They glance down, as if she were taking pictures in her head, then look deeply into me once again.

"I love you, Brittany. So much." she whispers in such a weak tone. That's me. She loves _me_. Santana Lopez _loves_ Brittany Susan Pierce. A small giggle escapes my throat and tears start forming in my eyes. All my life I've wondered what it's like to love a human being so much that once you're attached, there's no way of growing apart. No matter how hard you try to forget, erase, and put back all the memories that have occurred, there's no way. They're permanent markings engraved in your mind. Much like this one. Forever, until my very last breath, I'll remember my first encounter with my true love and cherish all the memories that came along.

"I love you too," I reply breathlessly. "so much."

She gently pushes me away and has me lie down where she had been. Her body is now on top of mine, like I have fantasized for so long. I feel her breasts press against my stomach as she kisses my neck and chest continuously; without any intention of ever stopping. She pulls me into her body; radiating all the passion and intimacy we have been withholding for the perfect time. And that perfect time is now.

[ Morning After ]

My eyes flutter open to the birds chirping by my window sill. The lighting in my room is much brighter than usual, since the curtains are halfway open. Our clothing is scattered around my bedroom floor along with the pillows that got in our way. Except for the one her head rests on. My eyes land on her silky brown hair as it dances across my pillow, leaving the scent of her shampoo. The smell of her perfume is now the same scent that is covering my skin. I inhale deeply and one sniff makes my heart thud without control. The feeling of her bare skin pressing against mine makes me go back to the wonderful memory of last night. When she and I made love. Her back is facing me. I pull down the blanket slightly so that her left shoulder is visible. Then, I see it. My name. I trace the lettering lightly with my index finger; memorizing the curve in the 'y' and the loop in the 'B'. What does this mean? That I'm permanently engraved in her soul? Hopefully, because I know she is in mine.

Minutes later, she fidgets slightly in place, then her eyes drift open. She stretches her arms and breathes out deeply. I face the ceiling, still remembering the night before. She sits up and covers her breasts with the blanket.

"Brittany," she begins and I tilt my head in her direction. "Are you okay...? I mean, with what happened last night?" her whisper sounds so frightful and it makes me smile because what happened was more than okay for me. Still waiting for an answer, I nod slightly as the corners of my mouth curl up.

"Did you mean what you said?" I ask in a low tone and she smiles widely, then nods.

"Of course I did."

My heart clenches with so much affection for this girl. She lies back down and glides one arm over my stomach from under the sheets. Her lips press against the skin of my neck lightly and I melt like a popsicle.

"You know," she whispers against my chest and lifts her head a little to face me. "I wasn't with anyone before you."

"I know."

"How?"

"I felt it." I reply as she lies back down and plays with the design of the blanket. I'm sure she felt it, too. Because I gave myself to her as well. With every kiss, touch and breath she gave me, I gave her a little piece of my soul in return. More than anything, I want her to know that no one will ever compare to the feelings she has given me for the months that have passed by. Every moan, whisper, look, and kiss is now engraved in each cell in my body. I memorized the exact way she said my name as she reached the brink of her climax and the way her eyes darkened with passion when I leaned in to kiss her. Our souls connected and became one in the process. No matter how far away she may be, or how long we will be apart, we'll always be together. One. How love is supposed to be.

For about an hour, we just lie in bed taking in the energy that was given off from the night before. Then, she finally gets up and wraps the fluorescent yellow sheet around her bare body. I lick my lips, still wanting to taste hers on mine. She notices my stare and throws me some sweats and a shirt.

"Don't look at me like that." she states with a giggle and walks over to the mirror above my dresser.

"I can't help it." I reply with a slight grin and slip on the clothing she had thrown me just moments earlier. Slowly, I walk over to the mirror and stand beside her as she scans her body for more bite marks. I begin to search for more as well, other than the ones on my neck. Our eyes meet in the reflections on the mirror and I see her cheeks flush red. She apologizes, then rubs her neck shyly and I smile. The sexual tension that once loomed over our heads is now gone. I've never felt this close to anyone before.

"C-can I shower?" she asks suddenly. I nod and watch her walk into my bathroom. Moments later, I hear the front door open, then slam shut. My heart drops and I feel my face go from a warm temperature to a much cooler one.

"Brittany?" a voice calls me with the slight accent I have never been so relieved to hear. Amelia knocks softly on my door and opens it. Her eyes lock with mine and I force a smile to my face while standing in the middle of my room awkwardly.

"Hey, Amelia..."

The sound of the shower fills the silence between us. She raises her eyebrows in confusion and places her hand on her hip.

"Why is the shower on?"

"I uhh...I'm getting the water warm."

Her mouth opens in an understanding 'o', but I know she's not convinced. Her eyes scan my bedroom floor and land on Santana's basket ball jacket. I curse under my breath and look in a different direction. My heart is beating uncontrollably as she peers her eyes into me, waiting to finally explode.

"Hey Britt, wanna come in here?" Santana asks from behind the door. I give a slight grimace and keep my eyes closed for a couple of seconds before meeting Amelia's.

"Looks like the water is warm enough." she teases and a sigh of relief escapes my mouth. The water faucet in the bathroom begins to squeak and the water shuts off. Amelia giggles and walks out.

Santana steps out of the bathroom, with steam diffusing into the my room. She looks at me and quirks her eyebrows.

"Gosh, thanks for coming in." she says while drying her hair with the towel. The only _things_ she's wearing are underwear and matching bra. My mouth opens in awe as the droplets of water slide down her abs and her damp hair falls down her shoulders.

Refocus, Brittany. Hell-oooo!

"Oh, well, if you didn't know, Amelia is down stairs!" I whisper loudly and her eyes widen in shock.

"Did you tell her about last night?"

"No, but I know she knows."

"How could you know she knows if you didn't tell her?"

"Because moms know everything!" I reply in frustration and step closer to her. "what if she tells Adriana?"

"She won't. Well, I hope she doesn't..."

"San!"

"Okay, don't panic. You just go shower and I'll go see what's up." she kisses my forehead, slips into a shirt and pants, then heads down stairs. My insides burn. All I'm thinking about is how Adriana is going to flip when she finds out that the virginity of her little girl, now very mature young daughter, was taken away. Everyone hates me; I have enough people hating me. _Her_ hating me is the last thing I want.

When I finish in the shower, I go downstairs and Santana is waiting for me with breakfast. She looks up from setting the plate on the table and smiles. She pulls out the chair for me to sit down, and I do so. Before she walks to her seat across from me, I pull her wrist back and pull her down. Our lips touch and a pang of different emotions hit my heart. Moments of silence fill the space between us as we begin eating.

"Did you talk to her?" I ask in a whisper and clean my face. She nods and sips some water.

"Yeah, but she said she'll respect our privacy. She just wants us to be safe. Plus, I don't think Adriana would care."

"Well, I think we should tell her we're being sexually active just to be safe."

"Yeah, you're right. You think I should I tell her we need condoms, too?" she starts laughing hysterically, while I sit there in all seriousness.

"Oh c'mon, Britt. I was joking." she says and gets up to stand behind me. Her arms wrap around my body, then she buries her face in the crook of my neck. As she speaks, her warm breath tickles me and makes me want her a little more, makes me need her a little more, and makes me worry about humanity a little less. She loosens her grip a little and our eyes meet.

"We'll talk to her later, kay?"

I nod. She smiles contently and stares into my eyes as if she's never seen them before.

7:49 pm. I'm in her apartment waiting for her mother to come out from putting the kids to sleep. My stomach is twisting and I can tell Santana is nervous as well. Finally, she comes out and sits on the sofa a little beside us.

"So, what did you girls want to talk to me about?" she asks and takes off her apron, then sets it aside.

Santana clears her throat and opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out, so I begin.

"Well, last night, Santana spent the night and we..." the loudness in my voice lowers to a whisper and I look around for any younger kids. "we had sex."

She looks at Santana then at me and giggles. "So, you're here to tell me Santana's pregnant, right?" she teases and Santana starts laughing uncontrollably.

"Yeah, and that we need condoms."

"Okay, I just want to be safe, sorry." I say sarcastically and Santana kisses my cheek, then reaches for my hand.

"Your humor runs in the family." I say to Adriana and nudge Santana playfully.

She smiles and nods. "Santana, go check on the kids for me, will you?"

Soon enough, she disappears into the room. Adriana leans in a little closer to me,

"Listen," she begins. "being safe with sex is very important. You just need to make sure sex is just between you and Santana. No boys. No other girls. I'm hoping you know your own body to know that you don't have any diseases."

I nod repeatedly.

"Santana already knows this, that's why I sent her away. Anyway, just make sure to tell me or Amelia if there's anything wrong. We'll be here."

I breathe out deeply and nod one last time. "Okay. I just wanted to be safe with her."

She smiles and holds onto my knee sympathetically. "It's okay, Brittany. I'm glad you told me. It means you care about her."

The nervous tension is released from my body. Santana comes back out and plops her body next to me while embracing me tightly.

"We're going to the park around the corner, mom." she informs Adriana and I wave goodbye, while whispering thank you, as Santana drags me out. A couple of minutes of walking takes us to the small playground she told Adriana about. A little farther into the distance and my eyes land on benches. We walk over and sit down. She scoots closer to me and laces my hand with hers, while leaning her head on my shoulder. The stars are beginning to shine along with the moon, but the smile on her face shines brighter. The feeling in my stomach is making me want to kiss her and not stop. Well no, I always feel that way with her. Her presence just makes everything feel like a dream. She's what my dreams are made of and what I think about before my eyes close into the night sky. My dreams seem to capture a perfect replica of her and all I want to do when I get home is sleep. I've never been able to rest unless she's beside me, but if she's in in every dream of mine, I'd sleep forever. She shivers and I embrace her body as though she might be taken from me. I hope that doesn't happen. My lips press against her head softly as I take in this very moment because who knows when I won't be this happy again.


	27. Monday  April 8, 2002

**Author's note:** Hey guys! I'm sorry, but after these few chapters, you might hate me. But then you guys might love me again (: or just not care at all. Haha. Anyway, I hope you keep reading 'cause there will be a happy ending(: By the way, I'm putting up another chapter since this one is so short. Remember that reading is fun. & Thank you !

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><p>I want someone to hold me<p>

As I walk home with Santana, I can't help but smile at the warm feeling in my stomach that seems to come about when I'm with her. If only everyone could feel this way. Imaging myself with anyone else is not a possibility. I never knew how love worked until the day I looked at her and saw everything I needed, or _need_.

She walks me to the gate of my house and kisses my lips softly. Our hands slowly begin to unravel, but I don't want to let go, so I hang on. She looks at me and tightens her grip once more.

"Stay..." I whisper and a slight frown comes upon her face.

"I can't. I work."

I let out an irritated sigh and she pulls me closer, but behind a tall bush so that no one sees. Her arms gently rest on my shoulders as her face leans in. Our lips linger against each others before they touch passionately. I wrap my around her waist and pull her into my body, not wanting her to leave. I just never want her to leave. We separate, but our hands stay laced together. Our grips loosen simultaneously and they finally separate.

"Bye." she whispers and I wave goodbye as Jeffrey opens the gate for me to walk through. When I finally step inside my front door, I look in every direction searching for Amelia. I look in the kitchen once: no Amelia. I run upstairs and check all the rooms: still no Amelia. My heart drops. She's usually in the kitchen. My mother and father are sitting on the couch drinking wine and reading the newspaper. They have nothing better to do. Again, I race down stairs and decide to confront my father.

"Where's Amelia?" I ask rather nonchalantly, trying my best not to ignite all the angry nerves in my body. He adjusts his position in the couch and breathes out annoyed.

"I fired her because when we asked where your mothers pills were, she didn't respond."

My heart drops and the feeling of happiness I had suddenly plummets like a falling boulder. It's my fault. She took the blame for me.

"What?" my voice cracks as I slowly make my way towards him by the couch. He stops reading the news paper in his hand and looks up at me.

"She didn't do it! It was me!" I exclaim and immediately see his eyes burn up with anger. He sets the paper down abruptly and stands up before me.

"Shut up! How dare take the blame for her!"

"I hate you!" I shout and feel tears stream down my face. The only person to help me out when Santana wasn't here was Amelia, and now I don't even have her. I begin to race up to my room, but my father tugs my arm and brings me back.

"Where have you been?"

"Why do you-"

"Answer me!" he demands and pushes me. "You were with that girl weren't you? I told you I didn't want you to be seen with that girl anymore!"

"What are you talking about?"

"That Santana girl. Artie told me you're still hanging out with her."

"So?"

"She's gay! It's like a free pass to hell! Artie's parents are now telling the whole neighborhood about your gay friend. If that keeps going on, then they'll say you're gay too and I can't have that in my house."

I rolls my eyes and the grip he had on my arm loosens. My arms cross as I try my best not to break lose in rage. He glares at me and clears his throat while lighting a cigarette in his mouth. "I don't want you with her anymore, Brittany."

I scoff and he steps closer to me. His face is starting to turn slightly red with frustration and his hands begin to clench.

"You're no longer going to that public school!"

"What?" my jaw clenches and I exhale deeply. "you can't do that!"

"Damn right I can." He replies and lights a cigarette. "And if you say _one_ word to her about this, I'll know. So you should just keep your mouth shut. Your mother and I have a warrant for our arrest."

"Why don't you just buy yourself out of it?" I retort and he slaps me across the face. I can feel the sting of the back of his hand imprinted on my cheek.

He breathes out and a stream of smoke expels from his mouth. I shake my head ashamed and walk up to my room, traumatized. Santana is the person who lifted me when I fell flat on my face and ate all the crap my parents fed me. Now, I know how to stand up to people without being feeble. She's barely recuperating from her low state of depression. Not seeing, talking, or being with her will break me. It'll break _us_.

For hours, all I do is lie in bed. My memories are all what's left of her and I. From now on, that's all I'll have. Only in my dreams will I be able to touch her, kiss her and make love to her because if I'm going to protect her from the danger that is my father, I must keep my distance. Even if it means hurting her emotionally, so I won't hurt her physically.

After moments of devastation, I pull out her journal. My heart thumps at the cursive writing I love seeing so much. It opens gently as my fingers press lightly on the corner of the pages. Then, I finally find the page I had left off on.

_When you passed, mother took a week off work to pull herself back together. There were many things to be done for your funeral. All the paper work, set up of the memorial, deciding whether your body should be cremated or put in a box._

_'Stop crying!' father would shout to mother whenever she'd shed several tears during the signing of the police report. It didn't make sense because he'd end up crying as well. All the muscles that my heart could contract ached with sympathy for them. Father would lecture time and time again about planning your funeral first, then mourning about it later. So, that's what I did. That's what we all did._

_At dinner, mother would cry. The place where you once sat every evening reminded her of the most tragic event she had ever encountered. Dishes would slam in the sink and food would just go to waste. Then all you heard was sobbing. Sobbing that would echo throughout the walls of the kitchen as she collapsed weakly onto the floor. It made me shiver. It made me want to leave with you._

_Father was a tough man. Nothing ever made him weak. When his father died, he didn't cry. When his cousin died, he didn't cry. Then you left, and he cried. And he never cried. Countless nights, I'd hear him lock himself in the basement and sob. Holes, in the shape of a fist, would appear in the wall the next morning and bottles of beer were scattered around everywhere. At times, he'd be doing paper work in his office and then a soft whimper would escape his throat. His breathing would accelerate and a loud sob would fill my ears._

_Crying is all I did for months and months. Every dinner, I'd sit in silence and wait for you to take a seat beside me, the way I, and our parents, had gotten so used to. But you'd never show. On weekends, I'd procrastinate and put all my homework aside._

_'Bad idea.' you'd tell me and giggle while flicking my ear playfully. Sunday nights, I'd stay up late doing all the work I hadn't done. I'd try and wake you so you could help me, but you'd stay asleep. After minutes passed, you'd wake up and stand beside me as looked at my workbook in frustration. Your hand ruffled through my hair playfully and I'd be smiling again. Now, I need help with a lot of things, but you're not here. And my frustration has reached its maximum._

I close the journal and wipe the tear about to fall off my cheek. My mind can even imagine someone hurting as much as he did, or as much as Santana has been through. It all seems like too much and maybe at the end, everything will turn out like I planned.


	28. Tuesday  April 9, 2002

And tell me everything's okay

My alarm buzzes continuously until I reach to stop it. 7:00 am. I shower, get ready, then head down stairs. My stomach feels empty, but it's not because I'm hungry; I know that much. After drinking a cup of orange juice, I start for the door, but it's locked. Locked? From the inside? I try to open the back door of the backyard, but that's locked as well. I race up to my room and stand on my balcony to see that the ladder is now gone. The scarfs I once tied together to use as a rope are resting on the grass beside some bushes. Now, I tie a bunch of shirts together and throw the durable rope over my balcony, slowly go down, then head for school.

On my way to history class with Sam, I see the halls are being cleared off.

"Move!" I hear a voice shout, yet it sounds all too familiar. All the teens disperse into different directions and watch the man push and shove through. Santana comes from behind me and pulls me in the opposite direction.

"Brittany, you gotta get out of here." she tells me and tugs on my arm, but the crowd prevents her from doing so and her grip releases my arm.

"Get out of my way!" the deep voice echoes down the hallway. My spine shivers and my eyes meet Sam's, then Santana's. Everyone exits the halls, except for Sam and Santana. Finally, the man comes before me and our eyes meet. It's my father. Behind him, I see my mother, Lindsay, and Artie. Santana tugs on my arm and pulls me in between her and Sam. My father steps closer and grabs my arm forcefully. Sam pushes him away, but he doesn't let go. My father turns to Santana and points his finger to her face.

"I don't want you near my daughter ever again." he hisses and Santana looks like she's on the verge of tears. Her jaw clenches along with her fists, but then I look at her and shake my head, telling her to keep calm. Sam places his hand on her shoulder, just in case she decides to attack. She releases the deep breath she had been holding in and shakes Sam's hand off.

"Fine." she replies coldly in my fathers face and storms off into the opposite direction of the hall. My heart sinks. She doesn't mean that, but I wish she did. That way, she wouldn't get hurt.

Father pushes me forward and from the corner of my eye, I can see Artie and Lindsay beside him. I want to strangle both of them because they don't know how much pain my heart is in right now.

"Why the hell are you here?" I ask Lindsay and she scoffs while rolling her eyes.

"Let go of me!" I demand and break away from my father's side. The amount of rage has reached its capacity in my body.

"Go to hell." I breathe out while clenching my teeth, then she pushes me back and my father grabs both my shoulders to control me.

"I'll see you there!" she shouts as the BMW pulls up next to me.

We arrive in front my my house. I race inside, but when I try to go upstairs, mother trips me and stops me in my path.

"You disgust me." she begins and looks down at me with disappointment. That look is the look I tried to so hard to erase from my brain, but I can't. I've memorized all the horrid comments and angry look they have made me witness since my younger years.

"I hate you." I breathe out weakly. Her eyes slowly transform to hurt one, but that was nothing compared to what she and my father put me through half my life. My legs can barely walk up the stairs, but I manage. As soon as I enter my room, I jump into bed and bury my face into my pillow. Tears just pour freely down my face.

But suddenly, I hear a knock and walk over to my balcony. There she is, standing outside with puffy red eyes that break my heart slowly and painfully.

I open my sliding door. "Santana..." I breathe out and she cups my cheeks to bring me in for a long, deep kiss.

"You can't be near me anymore."

"Brittany, you can't do this, please." she begs with the nasal tone you get from crying excessively, but then she sniffs as I lead us back outside. I don't respond, though. Every part of my body hurts. Internally and externally.

"You need to leave, Santana." I demand weakly and she shakes her head in denial. "Yes, yes, you need too."

Her eyes fill with an unbelievable amount of sadness and hurt because the sparkle she had when she arrived is now gone. She goes down my balcony and walks away devastated. I can't help but think it's all my fault. That kiss; I didn't know it'd be our last. This isn't how I thought falling in love would be like. Is it love? If it hurts this much, if it makes me cry this much, if I think about her this much; then it must be love.


	29. Wednesday   April 17, 2002

**Author's note:** I know these chapters are a little heart wrenching, but I promise you it'll be worth reading through them at the end. Thanks for the reviews! They mean a lot, you don't know how much. And thanks for reading, of course. (:

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><p><em>Listen to my screaming <em>

I'm in my living room, sitting stiffly on my couch beside my mother. The forlorn expression that took over Santana's face when I told her to leave is still engraved in my vision, after almost a week of not seeing her, and I can't erase it from my brain. My body no longer rests at night, which means the amount of energy inside me is low. Everything seems to be plummeting to the ground and I can't stop any of it. Separating from the most important person in the world is the worst feeling I have ever experienced. It's like a tornado. Endless destruction through everything and anything that comes in its way. Then there's silence. A dead silence that makes you want to chop your ears off. After having everything fall apart, you're gone. You're left with nothing. What's left are broken pieces of debris that can't be put back together. The only way to start rebuilding is with time. Over a period of unhappiness everything gradually starts coming back, or maybe it doesn't until the very moment you see his or her face again. You'll do anything and everything to keep that person safe from harm. Even if you have to go through the worst feeling of abandonment. From beside me, I can feel my mother pierce her eyes into my body, but it causes no change to how I feel at the moment. She doesn't affect me anymore. The doorbell rings. I'm guessing its Artie since mother said he was going to come for a family dinner. Seeing him is the last thing I want, though. I walk slowly over and open it; there she stands. Not Artie. Not his parents. _Her_.

"Santana..." I say breathlessly. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to-"

I shake my head rapidly. "You can't be here, I told you already. Please, just leave."

"You're dad is hurting you, Brittany. This isn't safe."

"Brittany, who is it?" my father asks and opens the door even wider so he could see.

"What is she doing here? Get her away before I call the cops." he states and reaches for something from behind the door.

"Dad, we were just talking."

"C'mon, Brittany." Santana tries dragging me out, but my father pulls me back in.

"Don't touch her she'll catch your disease!" he shouts and forces her to release her grip.

"Now get away from my house!" he demands and steps closer to Santana. I push him away from her.

"I need to talk to her!" I reply angrily and he smacks me with his other hand. I collapse to the floor, holding my cheek in pain. Santana's eyes widen in shock and she starts panting heavily. Her jaw clenches along with her fists and I begin to worry.

"Leave." I tell her with a shaky voice.

She shakes her head. "No. I'm not leaving you here, Brittany."

"Santana, listen to me. _Leave_." I repeat, but all she does is step closer to him.

"Don't make me do this, Brittany." My father says while clenching his teeth. He slowly grips on something from behind himself. As soon as it becomes visible, my heart sinks. It's a baseball bat.

"Santana," I whisper and she turns to me. "Please, just go."

Her eyes quickly turn to meet my father and all he does is stare at her with his piercing evil eyes.

"Fine." she replies weakly and I can sense how much strength she's using to hold back her tears. The grip my father has on the baseball bat loosens and I sigh in relief. It drops to the floor, making a loud sound.

"I told you I never wanted her here!" his hands are shaking and sweat begins to form on his shiny forehead. I'm so terrified at this moment, I don't even blink. How could he hate someone so much that it made him go on a psychotic rampage? His eyes lock with mine and my heart drops. He raises the bat and swings at my direction, but misses. I start running up the stairs and into my bedroom. The lock on the door is broken, so I begin to panic.

"Brittany!" he roars and bangs on the door. The framing around it is starting to come off. My heart is beating uncontrollably and I feel like it might explode. I'm so terrified at this point; I can't control my emotions. My mother begins to shout along with him and I break down. My body fills with anger and fear all at once.

I run to my balcony, then go down the tied up rope I did earlier that month. I've had enough of their constant shouting. Every day, I've lived like a prisoner in my own home. As I run away from my balcony, I hear him shouting for me. My mother is catching up to me from behind as Jeffrey opens the gates. I stop by the entrance where he manages everything and take a deep breath.

"Jeffrey, call the cops. Hurry." I demand and he nods. I run into the woods and catch my breath once more. They can't find me here. My chest is heaving and all I'm thinking about is Santana. I miss her. I need her. Especially right now.

The sound of police sirens fill my ears and I feel relief take over my entire body. Slowly, I begin walking towards my house again. Three cop cars are parked outside the gate, surrounding my home. Two cops are standing by the entrance with there gun in hand.

"Drop the weapons!" I hear a man shout from the megaphone of the police car. My eyes avert to my father and mother as they carry weapons in their hands. Three more cops pull out their gun and finally, my parents drop the weaponry in their hands. A bat, a pocket knife and small gun drop to the floor immediately and three men take my father down while two women officers grab my mother. My heart sinks as I walk ever so slowly to the front porch of my house. Jeffery looks terrified, then I see him walk away as he throws his security cap to the floor. Tears fill my eyes and I begin breathing heavily. This all seems so surreal.

"Sean Pierce you are under arrest for domestic violence and or abuse against a family member. Anything you say..."

I watch from the steps of my front porch as they take him away along with my mother. My heart clenches with regret. But should it? After all they put me through, _should_ I feel sorry for them?

"Are you going to be okay, young lady?" a police officer asks me with a sympathetic look on his face.

"I'll be fine. Thanks." I reply and cross my arms while looking to the ground. The truth is, I won't be fine. While everyone is at home smiling, laughing and talking with their family; I'm sitting here wondering if I'll be alive at the end of the week. I have no one. Amelia isn't here. Santana isn't here either. Now I really understand the definition of lonely.


	30. Tuesday  April 23, 2002

**Author's note**: After the last chapter, I've been getting reviews asking if the bad is over. Unfortunately, it's not. Santana and Brittany still have a couple more chapters of immense heartache. This may not satisfy many of you, but I think it actually brings us to the importance of the main reason I wrote the story and what the consequences of homophobia bring us. If you decide to keep reading, thank you so much. Don't worry, the horrid journey is almost over and the beautiful one will start soon.

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><p><em>Take the first cab you see <em>

_Tell the driver to hurry _

_I need you to come back to me_

I wake up and the feeling of loneliness takes over my body. The house is empty. Amelia isn't here, neither is Santana and I can't help but think this is what it's going to be like for the rest of my life. My body is slowly losing stamina and I can't focus on what I'm doing anymore. I haven't heard from Santana since that day, and I'm beginning to wonder whether she wants anything to do with me or not. She probably doesn't and I don't blame her. This will be my first day back in school since my parents went to prison. I thought taking a few extra days, besides having spring break, might help me process everything. I go downstairs, eat a bowl of cereal and then head to school. Hopefully when I get there it's better than this place.

When I get to my locker, there's a paper that someone stuck on with pink gum. I look at it closely. It's Santana and I kissing with the words 'LESBO ALLIANCE' in big, nasty red letters below it. We're up against the lockers and both wearing pink. Now I remember. Its the day of the carnival. We kissed in the hallway that night. That explains the flashes and whispering we heard continuously. My mouth goes dry and I can barely breathe, barely think, barely see. Why would someone take a picture and do this?

I rip it up and throw it in the garbage by the bulletin board. I guess this is their way of welcoming me back. Wait, there's another one posted on there too.

Don't freak, Brittany it's just one more.

I keep walking down the hall and see more than one on Santana's locker. Maybe she didn't see it yet. Well, that's what I'm hoping. I take all of them down and throw them in the trash. People are rushing in now since class is about to start. Whispering and name calling take over my ears.

It's okay, just ignore them. Ignore the giggling and whispering and all the name calling. Pretend they're not even here.

Okay, I'll pretend. My mind is blank and now I'm alone in the hall. It's dark, lonely and silent. The giggling is fading away and I hear her. She's calling my name from the other end of the hall. I see her image standing there under a bright light.

"San..." I whisper and walk slower. "Don't leave me."

She giggles and blows a kiss my way, barely vanishing.

_I'll never leave, Britt..._

She's gone.

The bell rings, reminding me that I'm in school. People are shoving and pushing each other out of the way. Giggling and whispering is back again, and my stomach is turning without control.

"Move." a guy mumbles and shoves me onto the locker a couple of feet away. My shoulder pounds against it and my head feels like its about to come off my neck.

While walking to my seat, everyone is laughing and giggling. Eyes watching my every move and every breath. I look across the room and Santana's seat is empty. Where is she? She's not here. But why? Some guy in front of me with long blonde hair turns around and our eyes meet.

"Want to have a threesome?" he asks with a smirk and a girl beside him starts to giggle. Then, a crumbled up piece of paper lands on my desk. I open it.

DYKE.

"Roll call." announces and starts calling names.

"Brittany Pierce."

My body is numb. I can't breathe. I'm being attacked by my entire classroom and I can't do anything about it. The stares and constant giggles are pounding against my eardrum.

"Brittany Pierce."

Her voice is fading. My mouth is dryer than a desert and my lungs are fighting for air.

"_Brittany?_"

Tears are forming in my eyes and everything is just a blur. A huge, foggy blur. I swallow hard, grab my things and walk out.

"Not here." the guy in front of me says as I exit the classroom. I can hear the class laugh behind my back while I breathe rapidly. My heart is still racing when I make it to the bathroom. I walk quickly into the last stall and sit on the floor; not caring if it's dirty or unsanitary. I just need to breathe. It's silent.

_What do you hear?_

"The leaky faucet. The drain as water slowly sinks into the pipes. My breathing. Why am I still breathing?" I ask the empty restroom, then begin to sob and cover my mouth so that its not so loud. Everything is spinning and I feel like chunks of food are rising up my throat. Oh crap, it's coming. And there it goes. My head ducks into the toilet and lets out my breakfast. I groan in disgust and hold my stomach. Why is this happening? One little thing, like a picture, can change the course of my entire life.

About twenty minutes later, the bell rings. I walk out of the stall and stand in front of the mirror. The same mirror that I was looking into when Santana came in to save me on my first day at McKinley. My face is pale and my eyes are red from crying. I turn on the cool water and splash some on my face.

Breathe out, Brittany. Don't make it seem like you're weak.

"Brittany?" Quinn walks in and races to my side. "What happened? Where have-"

"Where's Santana?" I ask her worriedly.

"She said she wanted to stay home because she felt sick."

_He told me he wanted to stay home 'cause** he felt sick...**_

"W-what? Don't leave her alone! Why'd you leave her alone, Quinn?" I shout and my things drop to the floor.

She grabs my arm and looks into my eyes. "I didn't leave her alone, Brittany. You did."

But I only left her to protect her.

My heart stops. I run out. Everything starts moving in slow motion. My running. People's heads turning. The door opening. Everything. I stop at the front of the school, not knowing how to get to her. A cab. I race for one that a girl was going to get in and shove her aside.

"Across town. Hurry." I state and he nods while pressing quickly on the gas. My heart is beating faster than ever. I have to get to her. My hand reaches for my cell in my back pocket and I dial her house phone. It rings several time, but no answer. Once again, I call. Still no answer.

I get to her apartment building and exit the cab. The driver is nagging and yelling about his money, so I hand him a fifty. As soon as I turn to face the building, an ambulance is parked in front and it's sirens are making that horrible sound I wish would just shut up. My heart feels like it was injected with ecstasy because its beating is uncontrollably.

It's not for her, Brittany. Just stop. It's not for her.

I race inside the complex and it's completely packed with people. The elevators are shut down and the stairs are crowded. I need to get to Santana. I push people aside and cram into the smallest spaces. People are yelling and calling me names, but I don't care. I show up at the entrance of the hallway that leads to her door, and the police is blocking everyone. Caution tape is what prevents me from going any further. From where I'm standing it's hard to see what's going on.

"Step away ma'am." an officer orders me and I do so. The feeling in my stomach makes me want to throw up and I can barely breathe. Two men, from the other end of the hallway, are wheeling out a stretcher with a body covered in white sheets. A tear rolls down my face because I can't help but think it might be Santana.

"No," I breathe out and shove people out of the way so I can get a better view. "No, no, no, no."

"Ma'am don't get any closer."

"I need to see her! Where is she? I need to see her!" I exclaim and break through the caution tape. The officer tries grabbing me, but I manage to run before he does. Everything is going too fast. It needs to slow down.

As I race down the hall, her neighbors door is open and people are crying hysterically.

Because its not for her.

I go to her door and knock loudly.

"Santana!" I shout and kick the door. No answer. Her aunt isn't here because she works and all her cousins are at school. There's a knot I'm my throat, but I manage to call her name again. Still no answer. I can't take it anymore; I break open the door and quickly run around the small living room.

"Santana?" I shout with a voice so weak and timid. I'm about to break down any second. "San?"

There's a noise coming from her room. Her crying. I break open the door and she's sitting with her back against the bed. My eyes land on the picture in her hand that was posted all around school. To my right, I see a broken mirror. My breathing quickens and my eyes widen in shock. Her wrists. I turn them so that they're facing me and she sobs. Cuts. Vertically, horizontally, and diagonally. A tear streams down my face as I breathe in deeply. I'm not too late; I can't be. Quickly, I run into her bathroom and get a dry cloth. The bleeding doesn't stop.

"Fucking stop!" I shout terrified and press on it tightly. Her face is becoming pale and I'm becoming more fearful. I apply pressure to the deepest wound and pray, to whatever god, for it to stop. Please, just make it stop. My arms wrap around her tightly. I won't let her go. I can't let her go. Her body and my body are destined to be against each others for eternity.

It's not for her, Brittany. It can't be for her.

"You're here..." she says with a weak smile and I nod.

"Yes, I'm here and I won't leave. You can't leave either, San."

Her breathing begins to slow down, but mine only speeds up.

"He wants me, Britt." she whispers and my body shivers. "He wants me with him."

"He can't take you, San. Tell him I need you here. Tell him you can't leave."

Her eyes are drifting shut, but I keep shaking her lightly to keep her up. She breathes out deeply. "You tell him." she replies in a whisper as a tear streams down her face.

"Okay, okay. But _stay with me, I need you here._"

She nods.

"Santiago, you can hear me, right?" I ask the empty room weakly and bite lip so I won't let out a loud sob. "Please don't take her away. She's the only one I have right now. You should know how that feels."

I hear a faint whisper. Who is it? Maybe it's him.

"Stay awake, San. Hold on." I look around and find that I can't do anything. "Help! Help me!" I shout desperately.

"Hello? Is something wrong?" an ambulance woman calls from the front door and I sigh in relief.

"In here! Please hurry!" I shout and continue to hold her in my arms. A couple of men come running through with a stretcher. They immediately begin helping her and place her on, while covering her wound with gauze. How could I let this happen? My mind is spinning out of control and everything seems so dark. I've never been so terrified in my entire life.

The men rush her to the ambulance and load her into the back. I enter shakily behind them. The driver presses on the gas and speeds to the hospital.

"We need to stop the blood!" a Caucasian man shouts and grabs more and more gauze. It's not working, though. My eyes land on her deep cut and I feel queasy. Then, I look up her face. Her eyes drift open momentarily, then drift shut again. The heart rate monitor is beeping at a normal pace, but then I realize it's starting to beat slower.

"Santana, no. Stay here, please." I urge and get no response. "San!" I shout and she opens her eyes. They find mine and I feel my heart slowly arise from the abyss in my stomach.

We arrive at the hospital and she's rushed into the emergency room. I try and follow her, but a nurse pulls me away.

"You can't go in yet, miss."

"I have to!" I exclaim and try to fight away. A male nurse takes me to the waiting room and sits me down on chair. My eyes can still see Santana from afar. Suddenly, my gaze averts to the women crying hysterically by the entrance. I see Amelia quickly run in behind Adriana as the hospital employees continue to race Santana into a vacant room. Then, bam. The horrified look on Adriana's face as soon as she sees the blood on the cloth wrapped around Santana's wrist makes her cry out into a fit of breathtaking tears. I watch them take Santana and everything goes in slow motion. The men running. The nurse pumping on her chest. The doctor shouting different kinds of codes. Everything. Soon enough, Quinn comes running in the sliding doors of the hospital with Rachel behind her. She catches the nurses wheeling Santana into a room and immediately starts running towards them.

"Santana!" she shouts and tries following her as she lies on the stretcher. Two nurses grab her and pull her away into the waiting room. "What's wrong with her? Why can't I see her? Santana, wake up please!" she shouts and breaks down into Rachel's arms. Everyone tries calming her down, but nothing works. Not even Rachel. I look around and see Adriana, Amelia and a bunch of other people crying their eyes out. I did this. It's my fault. I left her when I promised I wouldn't. I could have helped her when they put that picture on her locker. But I didn't and now I live in regret.

Its been a couple of hours since they took Santana in. The doctor that took her case is looking at me from afar. His name reads: Dr. Avery.

"She lost massive amounts of blood. There was no way we could get her back." the doctor informs Amelia and Adriana from across the waiting room. Their eyes lock with mine. I sit still for a moment, then gasp for air.

"Brittany?" Amelia calls for me and I refocus.

"Where is she? I want to see her."

Dr. Avery leads me to my destination. My eyes land on her body; silently and motionless on the bed. A thin white blanket is covering her face. The heart monitor is off and all the tubes she once had all around her are now it happens. Her chest rises and descends; she's breathing. Several tears stream down my face and I hold my hand to my mouth in shock. I can't believe this. Dr. Avery unfolds the thin, white cover down to her stomach. An intense amount of pain strikes my beating heart as I begin crying hysterically. Her eyes are closed; I can no longer see the sparkle. Amelia and Adriana come in, behind Quinn, Sam, and Rachel. All so sad and lifeless. Soon enough, Amelia comes over to me with Adriana and embraces me in a hug as Dr. Avery covers Santana's face once more.

"No, no, no, no. She's not dead." I tell Amelia weakly while shaking my head rapidly. She looks at me with hopeless expression on her face. "Tell them I _know_ she's not dead!" I say loudly and begin to walk to Santana's bed, but then Sam, Quinn and Rachel hold me back.

"Brittany, stop!" Quinn exclaims still holding me back. I fight off the grip she has on my arm and push her away.

"She's alive! I know she is!" I shout to Amelia and Adriana. The doctor glances at both of them, then looks back at me. He sighs in frustration and puts his clipboard down.

"Look at her once last time. _Please_. Just...please." I beg him and tears begin to fall off my face. He presses his lips together and puts the ear tips of the stethoscope into his ear. The white sheet covering her face folds to her midsection as he places the chest piece a little between her breasts. Silence fills the room. We all wait in anticipation while he listens closely. My head is throbbing, but my heart is clenching because I know she hasn't left my presence. The heart never lies. His hand moves the chest piece one last time and then his eyes quickly jerk down in Santana's direction.

"She's breathing." he says and listens one last time. "Nurse! Nurse! She's breathing! We need the IV and turn on he cardiac monitor. I'll go..."

His voice fades away as soon as the words 'she's breathing' sinks into my mind. Everything is in slow motion. The nurse's running. Quinn, Rachel and Sam being shoved by the interns, telling them to get out. Amelia and Adriana hugging each other from beside me. But then everything is back to normal. The monitor is making that beeping sound as the staff runs to and fro. I walk up beside her quickly and shake her shoulder gently.

"Santana?" I call for her, but no answer. "San, Can you hear me? Wake up, please."

"You're going to need to exit the room ma'am." a nurse tells me and pulls he away from her. "She will be fine. You can see her in the morning."

I nod repeatedly as Amelia and Adriana guide me out. They rub my back sympathetically, then we take our seats in the waiting room. Amelia insists to go take care of the kids while Adriana stays here until the news for Santana. I won't leave. I'll never leave her ever again.


	31. Wednesday  April 24, 2002

I'm sick, I'm lost

I awake from a nap and see Adriana is next to me sleeping, as well as Sam, Quinn, and Rachel. My head tilts to the side to look at the clock and then it thumps viciously. 7:23 am. A bouquet of red roses appear on my lap along with a get well card. I had asked Amelia if she could bring me these items earlier and I'm glad she could. Dr. Avery calls for Adriana moments later and she jerks up from her spot to race to his side.

"She's in suicide watch for the rest of the day and she needs to go to a rehab center for teenage depression. The sooner she gets help, the better..." I hear the doctor say, but ignore the rest and sneak passed them to get to Santana's room.

I come in with a bouquet of red roses in my hands. She likes red. Loves it, actually. It's been about fourteen hours and fifty three minutes since the last time I saw her. Not that anyone's counting. Every one brought in something for her because the room is filled with flowers and balloons. I walk by and see Mercedes and Kurt's names on separate bouquets. And she thought no one cared. She's sleeping peacefully in her position. The expression on her face is so serene. Not like how it was before. Bandages are on both her wrists and I hear the beeping of the cardiac monitor beside her. I set down the roses on the small table beside me, along with the get well card, then sit next to her bed and lace our hands together. My body can't contain my emotions any longer, so I immediately break down.

Breathe in, breathe out, Brittany. She's fine.

I cover my mouth to prevent myself from sobbing, but it doesn't work. "I'm so sorry, Santana."

My hand holds onto hers tightly. Her skin is so cold. "but you have to understand that I couldn't see you. You'd get hurt..."

She doesn't respond. Of course she doesn't. Her body is completely paralyzed as I observe her before me. Chapped lips. Smaller and smaller cuts travel up her arms. Pale face. A monster took over her body. The same monster that wanted to come over me. My spine tingles and I feel so weak and hopeless. I need her, because without her I'm fucking dying inside. If she goes with her brother, she'll be taking my heart and a part of me will die along with her.

"I love you, San. I love you so much." I whisper and tighten my grip on her hand. Her eyes slowly begin to drift open as tears continue streaming down my face. Brown eyes lock with mine and that feeling of emptiness is soon replaced with relief. She clears her throat and licks her lips while her face scrunches a little in pain.

"I thought I'd finally leave this place." she whispers weakly and swallows hard. She sits up with pillows behind her lower back and breathes out deeply while wincing in pain. "now I'm stuck with the consequences."

I stare at her blankly as she looks down at the bandages and stitches on her wrist. My heart is breaking apart even more. Our eyes lock once again and a tear streams down her cheek. She wipes it off quickly and sniffles.

"What consequences? What are you talking about? Santana, tell me." I beg her in a low tone.

"You'll see." she replies and lies back down, while wincing a little. All she manages to do is bite her tongue to hold back tears. She doesn't grip onto my hand, and then I feel every single part of my body that was taken over by her, shatter. Shatter into tiny microscopic pieces that can't be put back together.

"Why didn't you just...stop?" I ask in a shaky voice and pull my hand away.

"I couldn't, Brittany." she retorts.

"Why? You could have tried."

"I did try!"

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did! I tried my best and it still didn't work! And don't say I didn't 'cause you weren't even there to notice." she pauses and breathes in deeply to hold back her tears. "How could you not be there?" she finishes weakly, but that question doesn't need to be answered; I don't want to answer it.

The door knocks and we both turn to face it. Adriana comes in and has a small smile planted on her lips. She walks over to Santana and hugs her tightly. My heart clenches with so much sympathy for both of them. I decide to go to the bathroom so that they can talk.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror and breathe in deeply. My eyes have bags under them from lack of sleep, my face is pale, and my head is throbbing from excessive crying. I'm emotionally drained. I stare down at the running water and splash some on my face. The qualms of her not being okay are finally gone. I stare at my reflection again and see Quinn standing behind me. My skeleton practically bursts out of my skin. She walks closer to me and turns the faucet off.

"I'm sorry." she says and hands me paper towels for my face. I smile weakly and pat my cheeks dry.

"For what?" I ask and throw the paper towels in the trash. She looks at me with hopeless, weak eyes, then I remember why she's apologizing; because of what she said in the bathroom at school. My body shivers as I remember that very sentence repeat in my head. I feel her place her hand on my forearm and jump slightly.

"I-It's okay." I reply with a soft smile and she pulls me in for a hug. I close my eyes and breathe in deeply as my mind takes me to Santana. But it's not the same. She smiles weakly and rubs my back sympathetically as I walk out.

A couple of minutes later, I walk back to Santana's room. The door is open slightly and I hear crying. It's not Santana, it's Adriana.

"You should have told me, Santana. I could have gotten you help from the start."

"It's okay. I'll get help. Don't worry about it. Everything will be okay. I promise." Santana replies and Adriana calms down. Still, I can hear the hurt in Santana's voice echoing in my head. Help? I can help her. I can help her with whatever she needs, she just needs to be next to me. Where she's supposed to be.

Slowly, I open the door a bit and knock. They invite me in and Adriana smiles half-heartedly while standing up.

"Take care of my girl, Brittany. Okay?"

I nod, then she hugs me and walks out. Santana's eyes lock with mine and I feel the tension rise. I take a seat on the chair beside her bed and cross my arms. She breathes out deeply and clicks on the remote to scan through the channels on TV. A halfhearted smile comes across her face and the butterflies that had died out are now coming to life. Moments of silence pass, and a nurse comes in with a food tray. She sets it down, then checks Santana's pulse. She's fine. I know she is. My heart revives from the abyss it had fallen into as soon as Santana grabs my hand gently.

"I love you, Brittany. You know that." she whispers and looks deeply into my eyes with her hurt brown ones. A small smile starts to form on my lips, but then stops when I realize she hasn't finished her sentence.

"...I need help, but I need to do it on my own. Away from here and away from this town." she finishes weakly. A lump forms in my throat. It feels like I swallowed some kind of toxic chemical that prevents me from breathing. From seeing. From believing. Because right now, I don't want to believe what she's telling me. Tears stream uncontrollably down my face and I try fighting for air. Is this revenge? Revenge for what I did? My heart clenches once, as if a rusty knife had been stabbing it a thousand times. The room is spinning and as she tries reaching for my hand, but I quickly pull away. Her eyes; so hurt and helpless. She looks up at the ceiling to hold back tears, but I let mine just roll down my face and drop on my jacket.

"But you said you'd never leave me." I state with a shaky voice and she shuts her eyes, remembering the last time she might hear my voice. I shake my head in denial and finally see a tear stream down her precious face.

"I told you there would be consequences." she replies breathlessly and looks in the direction towards the window, not meeting mine at all. I've just been punched in the stomach and had my breath taken away. The voices inside my head are taking over and I can barely hear myself inhale or even think.

"When are you leaving?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do..." I tell her and her eyes still don't meet mine. "Yes you do, you just don't want to tell me!"

"Brittany, listen to me," she begins and pulls me by the hand so that I won't get up. "You can do this. You can live a normal life without me."

"No, no I can't." I say with the tone in my voice getting higher as my fear of her leaving increases.

"I wouldn't be letting you go if I didn't think you could."

I shake my head in denial and inhale deeply. My hand tugs away from her and she closes her eyes while letting a tear stream down her cheek. I broke her, but she broke me as well. I begin walking backwards slowly toward the exit of her room as she sobs to herself. My feet drag across the grayish-white floor. I'm hurt. I'm angry. Not at her, but at me. Only because I'm the one that left her first.

"I hate you!" I shout, but it's not true. Of course it's not true. Every single part of my body is filled with my love for her. I really just hate myself right now. Soon enough, I run out of the hospital room towards the exit; Quinn and Rachel try to stop me, but I manage to fight away their grip. Sam then tries embracing me in his arms. I fight and fidget for him to let me go, but he doesn't. I become too weak and just break down as he holds my head to his chest.

"Shhh..." he murmurs and strokes my head softly. "she'll be fine. It'll get better."

All I can do at this point is cry. Cry until everything passes and I can't remember the horrid memory of her words. I'm guessing these were the consequences she was talking about.

Sam takes me home and tells me to rest. My body needs to rebuild lost stamina, so I walk into the shower. The reflection I'm looking at doesn't even look familiar. Eyes are bloodshot from all the crying I've done in the past week. Pale skin makes me want to rip my face off. I step into the boiling water and let it splash all over my back. My muscles begin to feel less and less tense, but my heart still bleeds internally. I can't fix that.

Minutes later, I finish and change into sweats and a shirt. Her basket ball shirt that she lent me when I got splashed with a slushie. Once again, I look at my reflection and break down. Tears fill my eyes and I can't seem to control my breathing.

Breathe in and out, Brittany you can do this.

_What do you hear?_

Her voice makes reminds me of what could have been. She could have been here and not away from me. Images of her appear in the most frequent places she once lay when I had her. Where she slept. Where she stood. Where she gave herself to me.

My eyes land on her basketball jacket, where she'd throw it in disarray once my father or Amelia would come up here. It rests on the small space by my closet. I smile. Remembering the day she came with that jacket. But then I frown. That was the last time she stepped into my bedroom. The day we made love. I reach for it and inhale the soft scent. It smells just like her. Strawberry and vanilla extract. The lump in my throat is making it hard to breathe properly. As I set the jacket down, I find her journal. I sit on the corner of my bed and open it up to the sticky note I had put to keep my page.

_At school, I'd daze off into space and replay the horrid image of you. The rope tied around your neck and blood gushing out your veins. Still, I was forced to attend school at such a traumatic state. In the bathroom, I'd sit on the floor and breakdown into uncontrollable sobs. But why? You weren't coming back; I knew that. Somehow, I felt the cuts from your wrist on mine. As if it were happening to me. But then I noticed the pain was just taking over my entire body and making me feel what you had gone through without me._

_When you left, I didn't dare go into your room. Your belongings just made everything more difficult. The pictures. The clothes. Your bed; neatly made like you'd always have it in the morning. And the blood stains that still remained on the wooden floor along with the blade you used to slit your skin. Our parents never even thought of entering after you vanished. It brought everyone heart ache and the ache was unbearable. Even for me._

_Finally, after months, I got the courage to step into your room. I lay in your bed, trying feel the warmth I once felt when you were here. Like when I had a bad dream, you'd hold me in your arms and tell me everything was going to be okay. You were much stronger than I. You inherited the natural muscle from our father. I'd see your arms grow slightly larger every month or so._

_And then you were gone. I couldn't watch you grow along with me. Our parents were the ones that wanted to see you excel into something so great like they knew you would. It's like one second, you were there. Then I blinked and you didn't appear anymore. You'd be an amazing father beside that tall, blue-eyed Caucasian prince you'd always ramble about. That's another weakness we shared. Our attraction towards blue-eyes._

I smile. I have blue eyes. Now, all my blue eyes do it envision her. Once they do, the empty feeling in my stomach vanishes, and I feel whole again. As if she were next to me.

_'I'll be a lawyer' you said with a smile that shined like the morning sun on a summer day._

_'Or maybe a fireman, guys would like that' you teased and giggled like a five year old. We'd talk about the future a lot. How we'd be at each others houses on weekends for barbecues. And you'd have a stay-at-home husband who would take of your two kids. One boy and one girl. Like you and I._

Moments pass, a tear is getting ready to fall of my face, so I let it. It lands on the page and runs down while smearing her cursive writing. I ruined it. I ruined _us_. I always ruin _everything_.


	32. Tuesday  April 30, 2002

**Author's note: **Hi. This is short, but I'll be putting up the next one (33). Thanks for reading. **Spoiler alert: **Don't worry, they'll meet again. Thanks for reading! & have a nice night/morning/afternoon.

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><p>I need you near me<p>

I thought it'd be best if I waited a couple of days before I visited her home. Sam came along with me for support. The feeling in my gut is telling me I should have came sooner, but I couldn't. After the long drive from my house, Sam and I arrive at her apartment, then knock. No answer. I knock once again, still no answer.

"They moved, sweetheart." an elderly woman states while unlocking her door a couple feet away. Sam turns to her and I do the same. My heart sinks and the rhythm slows down. "They said they'd be back mid-September."

I thank her and blink repeatedly, not wanting to believe what my ears are hearing. Sam takes out his hands from his back pockets and picks up something from beside the door. My eyes look down at his hands that carry a small box. Just a small, ordinary brown box, with my name written over it in her writing. I open it and find a stack of pictures. Different ones. From Christmas. From the carnival. From every moment we spent together, practically. Then, I find the get well card that I gave her not too long ago. It opens; dried up rose pedals fall out while the stem remains inside. They're red; her favorite color. Flashbacks take over my brain and remind me of the time I had given them to her when she lay weakly on the hospital bed. My heart shatters as if it were a precious wine glass falling to the floor. The smell of her perfume fills my lungs. I can't handle this. It's too much.

Then, I see a small note at the bottom of the stack of photos. Her beautiful cursive handwriting flows like the calm ocean on a sunny day.

_I wasn't brave enough._

A wave of pain fills my entire body and everything in my hand drops to the floor. Everything stops, then starts again in slow motion. My stomach flips and does movements I can barely handle at the moment. Sam's eyes watch the items drop slowly, just like how the pain is sinking into my heart: slowly and painfully. I blink and everything starts happening at a faster velocity. The items he collected are now back in the box and I begin to burst into tears. One arm is consoling me and helping me stay up from the floor, while the other has the precious items she left for me.

"Brittany..." he whispers as my head rests on his chest. "Shhh...it'll be okay."

"No, okay? It won't! Everything was fine before Lindsay and my dad a-and Artie..."

I pull away from him, but he tries to grab onto my forearm to bring me back. He exhales and shakes his head.

"She loves you, you know that."

"Can we get out of here?" I ask and stare in another direction.

"You look pale. Lets get something to eat first."

"I just want to go home." I reply irritated and he nods. We begin to walk out the complex. Voices are running through my head over and over like a broken record, but it's her voice. I'd listen to it all day if I could.

_Brittany..._

I look to my left. Nothing.

_Brittany..._

I look to my right. Nothing.

_Brittany..._

Then, I turn around. Nothing again. The feeling that has come upon my chest can't be held in anymore, so I let out a sob. A sob that has my eyes running tears like a stream. Sam turns around as well, but finds no answer to my tears.

"Brittany..." he consoles me by wrapping one arm around my neck. The box remains protected in the other arm, but I don't want it. I don't want any of it. So, I knock it out of his grip and watch all the items fall. He looks at me in shock and watches me run for the cab. I go in before him and cradle myself on one side of the vehicle. My eyes shut for moments as I try to control myself.

Breathe in, then out.

Sam enters the cab and sits beside me with a worried look on his face, but he shouldn't worry. I think I'll be fine.

Ten minutes into the drive, he turns his head from the window to look at me. For moments, he debates whether to speak or not, but then lets out a short breath.

"Listen," he begins and turns his body somewhat towards me. "I can't tell you I know how it feels because I don't, but I know how it feels to be alone. That's why I'm here...so you're not alone."

My eyes meet his. They're puffy and red, I can see myself in his eyes. He meant that. He meant what he said. I nod and embrace him in a hug. A hug so tight, I remember Santana. It doesn't feel the same. When she hugged me, she'd let out a warmth breath that tickled my neck, but I don't feel that now. And I miss it. She left. She left without warning, without a goodbye...without giving me my heart back. Couldn't she just say goodbye, at least?

What I have left are memories, but I can't hug a memory. I can't touch a memory. And I can't love a memory.


	33. Wednesday  May 29, 2002

Take my hand; lead me out

Earlier today, I visited Santana's brother at the cemetery. I felt her there as if she were next to me. Now, I'm lying down on the bed. Trying to remember the feeling I had when she'd lay beside me, but I can't. I just feel empty. This is where she gave herself to me. Where she told me her flaws. Her secrets. Every single word that she told me, I have it engraved in my brain.

The ceiling is the last thing most people look at when they go to sleep. Not for me though. For me, it's her. When I lie in bed, the space next to me envisions her perfectly. When I try and find my inner peace, I always end up imagining her in my presence. Even when I read a goddamn book, I remember her. Every time.

I breathe in, then out. The smell of her strawberry vanilla perfume takes over my lungs. One scent of her strawberry essence can conjure a memory, no thousands, of her beside me. My heart thumps and clenches as if it were the last beat for the rest of my life.

I turn my body to face the space where she would be. I see her smile and reach for my hand, but then she vanishes into the night. Why am I always hoping for something better? This isn't the fairytale I wanted so desperately. This isn't the love story I imagined when I came across a novel. That's because this isn't a novel. This is reality, and unfortunately, I can't write what reality brings me.

For moments, I sit up in bed. My stomach turns, I'm nauseous, not hungry. Then, my eyes land on the box on top of my dresser. How did it get up here? Sam. Of course. Once again, I look through all the items. Tears stream freely down my face as I stare at the photographs. I grab the photos of Santana and I, then take the frames from my dresser. Out go the "family" pictures and in go my actual family. Amelia, Adriana, Santana and the kids. My heart shatters due to the fact that I haven't seen them in ages. Yet, it's only been a little over a month.

I feel like someone injected some kind of poison in my body that's making my internal wounds bleed uncontrollably.

I know she had to get better, but she didn't have to just...leave me. I need her, doesn't she need me a little bit, too?

Just barely, I hear someone calling my name. I can't make out who it is, but when I twist my head in different directions, it gets louder. It's him. Santiago. Her journal drops to the floor and opens up to the page I left off on. That's what he wants; for me to read it.

_I also let our parents know about my sexuality. When the words: 'I'm gay' slipped out of my mouth, I was done for. They kicked me out and let me live my "life of sin" is what they called it. Both held faces of disgust and disappointment each time we locked eyes. Terrible names filled my ears and made them sting. That's what they wanted. For me to hurt. Aunt Adriana took me in, and weeks later we were invited to your funeral. I had no longer felt the feeling of happiness inside me. My eyes cried several tears as I watched you lay motionless in that casket. From afar, our parents watched me shed a ocean full of tears, but they didn't care. Didn't they learn after losing one child?_

_Your face would appear when I closed my eyes. Did anyone tell you that when you left you took a piece of me? Not even a piece; a whole chunk of my heart vanished. Every second of every day I want us to share the beautiful things in life, but that can't happen. Not anymore. Strangers, teachers, everyone asks the dreaded question I try so hard to avoid. Having to say the words: He committed suicide when they ask where you are or what happened to you. Unpleasant emotions overcome my beating heart and shatter it to pieces. Sometimes, I forget you're not here and can't wait to get home, but then I realize you were my home. It doesn't exist anymore. Going home isn't even an option._

_Imagine having to put away your stuff because you won't be using it anymore. Mom and dad were too devastated to even look at me touch your things. Your clothes. Your notebooks. Your bed. Your cologne. Storing everything in a basement or closet because you might come back, but you won't. You never will. It's like you're right next to me; barely whispering into my ear with the weak lisp you were taunted for whenever you spoke. That's just my mind tricking me, though. It happens a lot._

Her words just shatter the tiny pieces left of my heart. I begin to sob and slowly collapse to the floor. I hug my knees to my chest and cradle myself as I let out all my emotions. The pain she had endured is suddenly taking over my chest, but she seemed to survive. Maybe I will too.


	34. Thursday  June 27, 2002

**Author's note: **I know you guys have been waiting patiently for the happy, but I don't want to spoil it for you. It may come in three chapters or maybe even the next one. Who knows. Well, I do, but that's not the point. The point is that they _will_ end up together again. Thanks for reading!

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><p>I can't see clearly<p>

How do I begin to describe ever so briefly the emptiness that has taken over my body? Everyday, I wonder when she'll come back and fix my broken heart that has now filled my body with complete emptiness.

I hear a knock on my sliding door. Tip toeing over, I slowly move the curtains and see what it is. Nothing is there. The darkness on the outside makes me shiver and miss her even more.

Suddenly, I hear his voice. Santiago. His whisper gets louder and louder as I step closer to the journal. It opens as the breeze from my window flips to the proper page.

_Not long after your death did people start accepting you. It's funny really; how a person has to die in order to be accepted by society. It's disgusting and people like that disgust me. Their ignorance and selfishness can make someone harm them self beyond limit._

_Now every time I see the bullies that made you take your life, my body looses control and I can't help but attack them. Like how they attacked you. If I protected you, you would have still been here. Right next to me and I wouldn't be writing all my thoughts in this journal. They get to go home to their family and friends, but you don't get to come back to me. They still get to see their siblings and celebrate more birthdays to come; you don't. The day of your birthday, I'd always attack you in your sleep; even though we shared it. But that's no longer an option. And it's not fair. It ignites ever angry cell in my body that they think they did you a favor. If only they had smiled instead of called you names, you'd still be here. If only they helped you open your locker instead of stuffing you inside it, you'd still be here. You'd be getting ready for senior year and getting a head start in the career you so desperately wanted to succeed. Maybe it's my fault. I never asked if you were going to be okay and I never told you it was going to be alright. All the names and expectations were too much to handle. Name calling. Whispering. What our parents wanted. What happened to you? It became a burden to your esteem. So you ended it the only way you knew how._

_Sometimes, I stay motionless in my bedroom looking at my door and wishing you'd just come in and take me in your arms like before. Wishing and hoping that you'd lift me when I fall or hug me when I cry. That won't happen though. And even when I know it won't, my hopes still reach their maximum point. Then they fall rapidly once more. Because you'll never come back._

_I'm slowly losing my mind every second you're not here. There are many days where I'm exhausted and I yearn to see your smile. I wake up every morning with no desire to keep going on, but then I remember you wouldn't allow me to think that way. It'd break your heart. So I keep going._

A tear streams down my face, then I feel my cheeks heat up. I'm angry, not at her, but at me. At everyone. Rage fills my body and I walk towards the the pictures of them. Santana and her family. My teeth clench and another tear streams down my face. I knock all the frames down and they crash to the floor, making a loud sound of glass breaking. They break slowly and effortlessly, like my heart. I cover my mouth with my hand and groan loudly with a slight sob. Then, I grab her journal and throw it across the room. It lands on the floor closed, but then suddenly opens up to a page. This page contains an image. I walk over to see and it's not an image, per se. A sketch; a sketch of me. I begin to breathe deeply and quickly as I walk backwards, but then he whispers again. He wants me to read it, I know he does, but I can't.

_Brittany..._

He whispers my name as if he were right next to me. I grab the journal and read where I left off: the page following the sketch.

_There's this girl, Brittany. She's really beautiful. Blue eyes and shiny blonde hair that flows down her shoulders. A beautiful, empathetic, and genuinely respectful girl that always manages to lift me when I fall. When I'm sad and need you by my side, I think of her and know that I can make at least a couple more days without your presence. Days without you feel like an eternity, but don't worry. That's why I have her. You sent her, right? I mean, she's not from this planet. She's too kind, too beautiful, and too much for this world. I look at her and hate people surrounding me because everyone has treated her badly. That won't happen anymore. I won't let it. Not after what happened to you._

_On a dull day, she was the one to change my entire life. When I saw her for the first time, her eyes begged for attention. For someone to notice the hurt she's been suffering for months; years now. Thankfully, I was lucky enough to notice because she's mine now. She'll always be mine. I've always wondered how someone could just ignore such a beautiful person. Toss her aside like a worthless gum wrapper. She's not worthless, because I need her. Damn, you have no clue how much I need her. Every time I see her face, I remember how proud you'd be that I finally found someone who can handle me. My flaws. My weaknesses. And my uncontrollable temper. Every single day I wake up and remind myself that you're not here, but then I remember Brittany and my heart no longer aches. You'd like her. She makes everything sane again. I've come to realize that I don't deserve someone like her. After all the people I've hurt, she still chooses to love me. To love me without limit. If I ever leave her side, will you do me the favor of protecting her? As if she were your own? Because I can't handle losing someone else. I just can't._

_All our memories continuously play in my head. Dreaming of you is all I can do until we meet again. Maybe somewhere in the sky where the angels play and the clouds move slowly through the open air. And when we meet, everything will slowly mend together. Along with my heart. No more tears will stream down my face and everything will be fine again. The way it was before._

A weak smile comes upon my face and tears of joy run down my cheek. This is the feeling I've missed, but she's not here and I continue to hurt. I need her. She said she loved me. She said she needed me. So why did she leave me?

With her, I couldn't feel pain. I couldn't feel myself drown in my own sorrow and tears. Now that she's gone, that's all I feel.

**Pain.**

In my chest where my heart is bleeding internally. In my lungs where I can't breathe because her presence is what kept me alive. And in my eyes where I will no longer see her smile. My hopes for her to come back are too low, but she's getting the help she needs and with that, I'm content. Soon enough, I'll have her in my arms. Where she's meant to be.


	35. Friday  August 30, 2002

__**Author's note:** Yay, next chapter! Haha. Well, I hope everyone likes this chapter. I recommend not reading this while listening to the following: Songbird, Here I Am by Leona Lewis, and Pills by The Perishers. You will cry like a baby. Haha. Well enjoy and thanks for the feedback. (:

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><p><em>I'm devoted to you <em>

Its been almost four months since Santana left. I miss her. That doesn't sum up how much, though. Its a hot summer evening as I walk into the ice-cream parlor. Sam, Quinn and Rachel asked me to meet them here yesterday. I have no idea why to be honest. I sit down on the high counter that they installed not too long ago. I'm hurting right now. Can't she _feel_ it? Doesn't she _feel_ anything? She has to; she said she could. Every single piece of my shattered heart clenches in pain for her. And it's now more than ever. Every day, I get up without a reason. Without hope. Without motivation. I'm trying to distinguish the difference between wanting to sleep and wanting to sleep for the rest of eternity. At times, my hopes are so high, but then they fade into oblivion and I don't feel anything anymore.

Quinn and Rachel come in before Sam and they sit to the right of me, as Sam sits to the left. He greets me and kisses my head lightly.

"How are you?" he asks and tilts his head down to see my face. I shrug and meet his gaze. He presses his lips together and rubs my back sympathetically. He orders a chocolate scoop in a cone and I order a strawberry scoop in a cup, then he hands the cashier a five dollar bill. Rachel and Quinn try to start a conversation, but I end it with a one word sentence. If that makes sense. Moments later, Sam's ice cream is handed to him and my cup slides against the counter in front of me with a spoon already placed in the center. All I do is stare at it. Strawberry; her favorite. Everything I do reminds me of her. As much as I try and erase every little memory that happened between us, I can't. It's impossible. My hand reaches for the spoon, then I begin twirling it, still replaying various moments of her and I together. Tears suddenly form in my eyes, but I blink them away and let the cool dessert melt before me in the cup. Since she left, I've gone back to my original demeanor of unhappiness. People think that if you have money and a large house, you're happy. Like on TV when you see a mansion with eight bedrooms, you assume the people living in there are perfect, right? In some cases, yes. Then again, I have the mansion, the cars, the money, but it doesn't mean anything if I don't have her. It's just a bunch of crap, basically. I'd rather be poor and have her, than rich and not.

I push the ice cream in the opposite direction and slowly turn my body around. Beside me, Quinn has her head in the crook of Rachel's neck as she giggles shyly. They're adorable and so deeply in love, it just makes my heart miss her more. Sam keeps averting his gaze to the exit, then back to me. His eyes scan through the people before him and they widen suddenly. I can feel it. He taps my shoulder to get my attention, but it doesn't work.

"Hey, um-uh, I'm going to order something else. Be right back." he informs me and walks to the other side of the small shop.

My eyes begin scanning the different faces in the crowd, but one face looks all too familiar. Santana. I blink repeatedly and tell myself its just my vision. Maybe it's a little blurry. My chest starts rising, air has been cut out of my lungs. She turns her body so that her back is facing me. I can't believe this is happening.

Breathe in and out, Brittany. Don't forget to breathe.

Her head twists in all different directions; maybe she's looking for someone. But then, I notice something. The tattoo is gone. As if nothing were there in the first place. My remains have vanished from her skin, her heart and her soul. Maybe she's moved on, and I don't blame her for doing so. I lean back against the counter and take one last look at her before I head to the bathroom.

"Brittany?" I hear Rachel and Quinn call for me in unison, but I don't listen. My feet keep dragging across the floor. I arrive to the bathroom, open the door to the last stall and let my tears roll freely down my face. The shattered remains of my heart still manage to drop to the pit of my stomach. Maybe she forgot about us. About me, and I don't mind that as long as she's happy. Honestly, this pain is the worst I've ever felt. Not having her is the worst pain I've ever felt.

I hear someone enter the restroom and wipe my tears immediately. My eyes then avert to the tiny peep hole by the opening of the stall. It's her. She's fixing her make-up. Then, a blonde about my height walks in and she immediately fixes her gaze to her.

"Hey," she begins and tilts her head a little to see her face clearly. My heart is beating at its maximum speed and I can't breathe normally. The blonde turns to face her, but I see the hopeful expression on Santana's face fade away. "Sorry, you look I someone I know." she apologizes and the girl giggles sympathetically while walking back out. Santana sighs in frustration and bites her lip. She reaches for her bag and clenches it tightly, then throws it to the side of the wall. Coins, make up and other items bang against the floor loudly. A quiet sob escapes her lips and I want to hold her so badly, but I don't know if I can. I'm still emblazoned in her mind. Hard to believe, I thought she forgot about me. I emerge from behind the stall and my reflection comes from behind her. The mascara brush in her hand falls into the sink and she stays speechless in her position.

A tear rolls down my cheek and she sobs weakly one last time before she pushes me into the vacant stall. My back goes against the small door as it shuts loudly. Our lips touch instantly; I feel like I'm floating. Both our souls are merging and becoming one as our tongues collide with one another's. This is real. This is what love feels like. Her hands run up my body; remembering every way she had once touched every inch of my skin. My right hand tangles in her silky brown hair and my left pulls her waist into me forcefully. She grips on my shirt tightly and at that very moment, I realize she healed my aching heart. Her presence is an essential part of my life and I can barely function without her.

"Did you forget about us?" she asks in between kisses and goes down to my neck, planting them lightly on my skin.

"I thought you forgot about _me_." I mumble weakly and breathe in her scent. Her arms embrace my waist and I melt. Our lips once again capture each others and connect with such an intense amount of passion, I'll never be able to understand what she does to me.

Soon enough, we run out of breath and separate our lips. My eyes meet her's and all they're telling me is to stay. Her chest rises and descends, as does mine.

"I can't believe you're here." I say uneasily and tears form in my eyes. They lock with hers; the beautiful brown eyes I hoped to see everyday, yet never caught a glimpse of them. My arms wrap around her neck and hold her tight. Tight enough so that she won't escape from me again. Her stronger arms hold my waist just right and I feel like the world is spinning at a velocity I can't seem to make out. Our foreheads press against each other and we both inhale deeply, still trying to catch our breath. She's finally here and my body is completely revived. Her hand runs through my hair, then slides downward. I sigh as her palm caresses my cheek. Her hand slowly glides down my neck and across my collar bone. Our breathing is going back to normal as the tension in the air slowly lessens.

"I don't want to be anywhere else."

Her voice is so weak and soothing it's nearly impossible for me to keep breathing. I sigh deeply and loosen the grip I had on her. My heart thumps at the thought of me practically dying inside when she didn't remain in my presence, but then I quickly erase it from my head. She reaches for my hand and laces them together. That feeling; that feeling in the pit of my stomach I missed so much has revived my soul and made me complete again. Quickly, we run out of the bathroom and head for my car. I completely forgot about Quinn, Rachel, and Sam.

We get up to my room and sit down quietly on my bed. I don't know what to feel right now. Every emotion seems to be combined into one. I'm angry, happy, and sad all at once. All I want to do is be next to her, but at the same time, I feel hurt. She left and let my heart break into pieces that seemed to spell her name over my broken soul.

Her heart beat is speeding up as we sit beside each other, I can hear it. She scoots a little closer and tries to meet my gaze as I look at the floor. Already, I can feel the tension rise and hurt sink into both our bodies.

"Is it too late?" she asks uneasily.

No it's not too late! Answer, Brittany!

She knows I'd wait a thousand years just to hear her voice again. Just to see her smile again. Just to have her near me again. Either way, I don't respond, but I know she can read my body language.

"Brittany," she whispers and I turn to face her. "Do you want me?"

A pause.

"Answer me, please."

"I can't."

She moves closer into me and reaches for my hand, slowly and intimately, as it rests on my thigh. "Then say no."

"...I can't do that either." I reply breathlessly and meet her gaze. Tears form and want to escape freely from her eyes, but she prevents it.

What are you doing, Brittany? You're pushing her away. Don't do that. You have her. That's what you wanted, isn't it?

I shouldn't be pushing her away. My body needs her. My heart beats for her whether she's five thousand miles away or right next to me. It's always been her and I can't be putting back my feelings. Loving her is inside me. I feel it in my skin. In my bones. In my heart. Along with every artery and vein that keeps me alive. My weary eyes meet her chocolate brown ones. I'm drowning in them again.

"I love you, Santana." I confess weakly. "I've never stopped."

She sighs in relief and I know it feels like a boulder has been lifted off her chest because that's exactly how I feel. Our lips touch and move slowly. Passionately. Then separate. Everything pauses and restarts again in slow motion. Her eyes are looking deeply into mine and I can feel how much she missed me. How much she longed for my touch and for my warmth. I need her. Yet, no words will ever sum up how much.

She straddles my hips, a position I got so used to doing with her. I push myself up on my elbows as she leans in to kiss me. Her blouse; that comes off, along with mine. Then, her spaghetti strap drops to the floor as well. Now she's in her bra. I breathe in, trying to remind myself that this is real. She's real, and my mind is no longer playing games with me. My back arches in pleasure as she kisses my neck softly. This is passionate. Affectionate. Like everything I've missed. Our eyes meet. Tears begin to form in her's and I feel sheer pain cutting up my insides. A tear begins to roll down her face, but I wipe it quickly. My hand gently cups her cheek and she sighs while closing her eyes. Then, I feel her stomach tighten as my fingers glide down her abs. We're both in our bras. A tingle runs up my spine and makes a funny sensation in my stomach.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" she asks while sucking on her bottom lip. That sentence takes me back to the first time we made love and my heart flutters with such intensity; maybe she felt it. I nod and pull her neck in to kiss her, but this time, _really_ kiss her.

I'm floating. My heart is resorted by the contact of her body on mine; what I've longed for since the very day she left my presence. Every other piece of clothing slowly comes off. The memory of our last time making love fills my head. A light smile plays across my face and all the horrible events that passed by when we were distant all suddenly seem to vanish.

Her plump lips kiss every inch of my body continuously, but then, I pin her down to the other side of the bed and land on top of her. My lips press against her caramel skin; inhaling its smell of strawberry vanilla, its softness, and its tone. I missed her. Not just her presence, but the wonderful way she'd say my name in ecstasy as I took her to the edge of her climax. My hand traces down, then my fingers slip into her gently.

"Brittany..." she breathes out and looks deeply into my eyes. I can see her pupils dilate in pleasure, then her eye lids come over her eyes as she moans. That sound escaping from her throat may not mean anything to my neighbors, but it means the world to me. Again, I begin kissing her neck lightly, making my bite marks and claiming her as mine and only mine. Her nails dig into my back as she reaches her climax, resulting in a loud moan. Warm breath tickles my ear while her hands roam around all inches of my skin. Sweat covers her forehead, abs and neck. She hugs me into her damp body and rolls me over so that she's on top. Her lips touch mine and our tongues move slowly, passionately and intimately. My heart thumps loudly, and I know she felt it because when we separate, a soft smile comes on her face. Her hand glides down, then warm fingers slip inside me. The unexplainable feeling in my gut wishes for her to never stop whatever she's doing.

"Are you okay?" she asks as I scrunch my nose slightly in pain, but that's okay. I can handle pain. I just need her close to me. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No..." I breathe out and she begins thrusting gently. My nails make scratches down her back in pleasure as she kisses my neck, making marks of her own. I missed her body. I missed her voice. I missed everything about her. My abdomen clenches, then my back arches in pleasure as I reach the edge of my climax. I moan into her ear and feel our souls connect with such an electrifying pang, it's unexplainable. She plants kisses down my jawline and gently pulls out. Our eyes meet and the sparkle in her eyes makes me feel complete. They're weary though. She got tired, and so did I. Tired of wanting. Tired of imagining. Now, neither of us have to. She smiles brightly as the moon shining through my window tries its best to shine brighter. My heart beats quickly as her hands run up my body. Her lips kiss my forehead and I sigh in relief. Relief from...everything. She blinks slowly and collapses beside me. Her bare body embraces me and radiates heat like the sun.

"I love you." she whispers in my ear and brings the thin sheets over us.

I sigh and close my eyes to capture this moment. "I love you, too."


	36. Saturday  August 31, 2002

_But you can't see _

_That when you cut _

_You're hurting me_

3:42 am. My room is dark, but the moon seems to shine bright enough to see. I lie in bed and notice that she's still next to me. Wavy, brown hair dances around my pillow as I listen to the sibilant sound coming from her mouth when she exhales. She's actually here. Where she's supposed to be. My hand reaches for the bed sheet that's covering her shoulder blade, where the engraving of my name was once visible, but she fidgets a little. Her body turns to face me and I see that she's awake. The big brown eyes that make me melt begin to open slowly and lock with mine. They pierce into me.

"Tell me what's wrong." she says in a whisper and tucks her hands under her cheek. I don't respond, though. She can still see hurt when she looks into my eyes. I know she can. "Did you find someone else to make you happy?"

Pause.

"...Did _you_?"

"Never." she replies as her fingers remove the hair strand from my face. The bracelet from last Christmas dangles from her wrist. Her left wrist, where the scars remain.

Minutes on my roman numeral clock tick away, then I feel her move positions in bed. She breathes in deeply and stretches her arms. Her eyes land on me and I feel a fuzzy feeling in my stomach once again. I thought I was angry because she left without letting me know, fearing that she might find someone better, but I just look at her and melt. Being angry isn't an option with her. It just isn't.

"I'm sorry, Brittany." she says suddenly and swallows hard.

"...Why'd you leave without telling me?" I ask and press my bare skin against hers.

"I couldn't. I wasn't brave enough." she replies in a low, but weak, tone. And then I remember...

_You're brave, San. You can do anything._

_No I can't._

_Fine. Name one thing you can't do._

_Look at you and tell myself to leave...I'm not brave enough to do that._

I take in that memory and cherish her structure next to me. Moments of silence pass us as if each second had the quantity of a decade.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

I hear the clock continuously before she inhales and exhales deeply.

"I'm so sorry." she apologizes once again and sits up on the edge of the bed with the sheets covering her breasts. "You know that, right?"

I nod. She feels guilty and I don't want her to because she tried to protect me. _Us_. Like she always has. I scoot up next to her with the sheets covering my body as well and kiss her shoulder lightly. Her head tilts slightly my way and I see the tear she was trying to hold back run down her left cheek. I wipe it off and shake my head, telling her to stop.

"It doesn't matter anymore because you're here now." I whisper and smile softly. She does she same and sniffs. My lips come in contact with hers momentarily and I can sense the passion in her body make her face light up. She lies back down after me and embraces me tighter than before. As her arms caress my body, I see her wrist as it rests before me on the blanket. I look at the scar that was once opened deep enough to see the different layers of tissue. The one that almost took her away from me. I bring it close to my lips and kiss it gently, wishing the healing tissue would just make the bump vanish and fade into her normal skin. What's important is that it's healing. The wound is no longer cut open like my heart.

[ Later that day ]

It's almost noon. She's still next to me sleeping, her breathing is calm and her skin has a new glow to it. The sun is shining through the lace curtains and filling my room with warmth. Her back is facing me and she's on the right side of my bed, like how it was before. Still, her body heat radiates against my bare skin. The thick sheets cover both our bodies, but I gently uncover her upper chest area, just enough to see her shoulder. Her _left_ shoulder to be exact. Then, I see it. My name in cursive letters. It's still there, it never left. It wasn't removed like I thought it was. Her love for me is permanent; just like that tattoo. Engraved in every part of her body, that even when she bleeds; you see my name.

Our clothing is scattered around the floor and the extra sheets lie on the floor as well. As I sit up, my eyes land on the frames and broken glass that have laid there since June, the time I had knocked everything down. I tried picking them up, but I couldn't. It hurt. The broken glass tempted me too much, so there it remained.

Her eyes begin to flutter open and I smile softly. She sits up as well and looks at the corner of the room where I swept everything into a pile. Her slight smile fades. She hops out of bed and kneels down at the broken debris.

"Did I hurt you that much?" she asks and gathers more of the pictures left, while putting the glass in a paper bag from under my bed. I put on a long t-shirt and race to her side to take away the large glass pieces from her hands.

"San, you're just recovering."

"You're treating me like a kid, Brittany." she snaps and scoots away from me. I press my lips together and just watch her because I know she doesn't intend to be mean. "I'm sorry. I just...I hate that I hurt you."

"It doesn't matter anymore. I told you...what matters is that you're okay."

Her eyes don't meet mine. They stay glued to the glass and pictures. I turn her wrist so that it's facing me and see the large scar along with smaller ones going up her wrist. Each line has it's own story. It's own reason. It's own pain. All I want to do is to kiss them and watch them disappear into the light, but it's not that easy. They're fading, as well as mine, and years from now, they won't matter anymore.

"You shouldn't be covered in scars..." I whisper and stroke them gently. "Not you."

She smiles lightly and thanks me quietly. I look down at the pictures and set them on her lap. Suddenly, her cell phone rings and she climbs over me to get it. She answers with a smile, but hangs up with a frown and pale face. Her body becomes stiff and she freezes in place.

"Who was it? What happened?" I ask worriedly and try to grab her hand, but she pulls away.

"I have to go."

"Why?"

She slips on proper clothing and begins walking out the door.

"Santana, tell me why!" I say angrily, then she stops in the hallway and turns to face me.

"Adriana is in the hospital." she replies trying to hold back tears. I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. My lungs feel like they can no longer contract to fill with air.

"Amelia just called me and said she slipped and hit her head while she was cleaning the pathway to some stairs in a house."

"...What hospital?"

"Some hospital three hours away from here."

"I'll call a cab."

Three hours later, Santana and I arrive at the hospital. Immediately, we run to Amelia's side and console her. Her eyes are puffy and red, while her hands are cold and shaky. She hugs Santana, then she heads for the front desk. Amelia turns to me and hugs me tightly while taking deep breaths.

"Brittany!" I hear a high pitched voice and turn the opposite direction. Alissa and Michael are running towards me, then they cling to my legs. Hailey walks up behind them with bloodshot eyes and a tissue in hand. She forces a smile to her face when she locks eyes with me, but then breaks down when I hold her in my arms. Amelia takes the kids away and I pull Hailey aside.

"When I saw her on the stretcher," she begins and sniffs. "there was so much blood..."

A tear streams down my face, remembering the day I had seen Santana ooze blood like a faucet, but I wipe it quickly. She needs support. Not me crying and making it worse. My thumb wipes the remaining tear from her cheek and we lock eyes once more.

"She'll be fine." I whisper. "I promise."

She nods, then hugs me tightly. Santana stands by the front desk looking down at the floor blankly. Without emotion. Hailey goes with Amelia and I go over to Santana. She looks up and breathes out deeply.

"They said we can see her later tonight."

I reach for her wrist, but she pulls away. Again, I try and she stiffens, but quickly gives in and rests her head on my chest. A soft sob escapes her throat and my heart clenches. I hate seeing her cry. If only she knew it killed me inside.

8:41 pm. Santana and I are walking toward Adriana's room. The doctor told us she hit her pretty hard, resulting in slight memory loss. As we stand in front of the door, she hesitates for a moment, and then reaches for the knob. I walk in behind her and see that Adriana is awake. I smile and she smiles a very confused smile. Her doctor twists his head in our direction, then turns to Adriana once more. He checks her eyes with a flashlight, and checks her pulse. As soon as he finishes, he pulls Santana and I aside.

"Your mother is in mild condition, although she won't remember names or recent events, she will remember as time goes on." he flips the papers on his clipboard and puts the small flashlight in his coat pocket. "Be very patient with her. Her eyes will be sensitive to the light, so keep it low. She'll be with us for more than a couple of days."

"So we can't take her home?" Santana asks and crosses her arms to her chest.

"Not yet. She should be here at least until Tuesday."

"D-does she know who I am?"

He looks over to Adriana and sighs. "I'm sorry, but it's not likely." he begins writing things on the clipboard, then stops and places his pen in his pocket. "Have a nice day."

He walks out. Santana stands beside Adriana shocked. I can see it in her face. She doesn't speak. She doesn't move. She just stands before her, motionless. Bandages circle her head as well as tubes in different areas. It all looks too familiar. Adriana stares at her with complete fascination and tries her best to make out what's going on.

"You know my name, right?" Santana asks softly and stands beside her. "You know my name...tell me my name. Tell me my name!" she demands and Adriana's eyes widen in shock. I pull Santana as the nurses run in along with Amelia and tell her to calm down.

"I'll take her and the kids home. Stay here with her."

Amelia nods, hands me her car keys, then walks to Adriana quickly. Santana tries to fight my grip, but gives up once we walk into the waiting room.

"What if she doesn't remember, Brittany?" she sobs and walks backwards towards the exit. "What if she never remember who I am? Who _any_ of us are?"

I press my lips and pull her towards me to console her.

"She will."

"How do you know?"

I don't respond. I sigh and just hug her. Hug her as tight as possible so that she remembers she won't be alone. Soon enough, Michael, Alissa, and Hailey walk up beside us.

"Is she okay?" Hailey asks softly and tucks her hair behind her ear. I look over to Santana as she wipes her tears. "You said she'd be fine. You promised!" she shouts and runs towards the hospital exit. Santana grabs the kids and I give her Amelia's car keys. I run to Hailey and sit her down on the bench out in the parking lot. She sniffs and looks the other way, avoiding eye contact with me.

"You promised..." she says coldly. "What's wrong with her?"

"She won't remember who we are for a couple of days. Weeks maybe."

"Will she ever remember me?"

I lick my lips as she turns to face me. Eyes so big and brown, like Santana's. They run in the family. "She will. You want to know why?"

She nods.

"Tell me the best memory you had with your mom..."

She thinks, then giggles as her eyes stay glued to the pavement before her. "One time, we were at the laundromat and she filled the soap container with too much soap, then bubbles started coming out of nowhere. We grabbed our wet clothes and ran out laughing so hard. That's when she didn't work so much. Now she works all the time and I barely see her..."

Tears form in my eyes, but I look up at the sky to blink them away. Girls her age need a mom and I'm going to try to fix that. Being without a mom at the time you need her the most, is like...I don't even know how to compare.

"Do you think she'll forget that?"

She shrugs.

"Well, the right side of your brain controls your memory and feelings. If she can remember that, then she'll put all the memories you guys had together and connect them to her heart...you can't forget about someone you love."

"Like how you didn't forget about Santana?" her eyes avert from the pavement to mine and she smiles softly while wiping her damp face.

"Yeah," I breathe out and watch Santana buckle the kids into the car. "something like that."

I can feel her stare at me, intrigued. As if she were reading me. Gosh, I hate it when people did that.

"You think she'll remember when she comes back?" she asks hopefully. I nod and tap her nose playfully as we head toward the car.

We arrive at the residential parking at the apartment minutes later and everyone begins walking out. Here, its worse than where she was before. It's unsanitary, there are different stains of I don't know what on the cement down the corridor. Drunk men surround different parts of the area, but Santana walks behind me with our hands laced together, tightly and securely, along with the kids. She eyes them with her evil glare that always seems to scare anyone walking in her path. Lights flicker above us, but she doesn't seem to care.

We make it inside safely and I put the kids in bed. Santana sits on the couch staring at the wall blankly. Her face is pale and her eyes are puffy as well. She covers her eyes with one hand, but either way, I see a tear stream down her cheek.

"I'm sorry," she whispers softly and swallows hard. "when I was in the hosptial, I didn't know you were hurting this much. Now that I feel it, I'm sorry a-and I love you so much, Brittany." she sobs and I tilt her chin up to look at me. As the tears stream down her face, I want them to go down freely on mine as well. But I have to be strong. I have to protect her.

"I can't keep losing people..." she finishes as I wipe the tears on her cheeks. My arms wrap around her tightly.

"She'll be fine. Just give her some time and in a couple of days she'll remember you and me and even the people she saw at the grocery store the other day..."

She looks up at me and smiles halfheartedly. "You think so?"

I nod. "Can you stop crying now?" I ask in a whisper and push her bangs back. "I hate it when you cry..."

She nods as well and leans into me, resting her head on my chest. I kiss her head and sigh. Today, I woke up from a dream and witnessed a nightmare. I bet she's asking herself why I'm not crying. Why I'm not panicking. I can't. Someone has to be strong for her, for everyone.


	37. Sunday  September 1, 2002

**Author's note:** I'm sorry to say that this journey is almost coming to an end. Just a couple of chapters left ): Well, enjoy this one! Thanks for reading(:

* * *

><p>Life without you<p>

Is like losing air

One moment I can breathe

Then I can't if you're not there

I wake up to Santana opening her closet door. I hadn't noticed I was in her room. She picks out some clothes and sets it down on the floor. When she closes it, the metal wheels screech against the rail and she curses under breath. I push myself up with my elbows and she sighs.

"Sorry babe, I didn't mean to wake you up." she apologizes and grabs her clothes, then heads to the bathroom. I open my mouth to say something, but she walks in before words could come out. Maybe she's still frustrated. I am too. Everyone is.

It's almost eleven. I got up when Santana did to make the kids breakfast, but there aren't any eggs or milk, so I knock on Santana's door and ask her if she can drive me to the store.

"What?" she mumbles from the inside of her room. I tell her again, but then the door swings open.

"What's wrong?" she asks and slides her finger on the edge of her bottom lip to take off some lip gloss. I look at her from head to toe and my eyes widen. She's wearing black shorts with lace leggings and a shirt that shows her cleavage way too much.

"Are they out there?" she asks and pulls me inside. "I don't want them to see me like this."

"Where are you going?" I ask and cross my arms to my chest.

"To a job interview."

"Where?"

"At the bar across the street."

"Santana you're seventeen and there are weird people out there you can't be working at a place like that."

"It's fifteen bucks an hour, Brittany. Adriana is in the hospital. Who's going to get milk in the fridge?"

"I can-"

"No. I know what you're going to say."

I don't respond, instead, I sigh in frustration.

"I'll be back in an hour." she tells me and kisses my cheek.

"Santana-"

She slams her bedroom door and I shut my eyes.

Deep breaths, Brittany. Calm down.

I know how to solve this problem. If only she'd let me.

"I got the job. He wanted me to freshen up and go back." she informs me, but I pretend not to listen and continue washing the dishes. She opens the fridge and grabs a water bottle.

"Can you support me at least?"

"Yeah, sure, because I love it when guys drown in their own drool while they look at your cleavage. You know what they can do to you? They can hurt you, and abuse you, and make you drink something with drugs in it!"

She leans against the fridge and closes her eyes as I continue to speak.

"They can do so many things to you, Santana. You're gorgeous and I love it when you dress like that, but only if it's for me and we're alone in my house. Not with a bunch horny guys. I know it sounds selfish, but it's true."

She looks up and stares into my eyes. They pierce into my body like an acupuncture procedure. I can see she needs help so desperately. A young girl her age should be out living life like a teen, not a mother, but that's how deep her love for her family goes. She'll do anything and everything necessary.

"So, I don't get a 'good job, Santana' or a 'congratulations you-"

"Congratulations, my girlfriend has a job at a bar. Yeah, let's celebrate." I reply sarcastically and throw the wet cloth in my hand on the counter.

"Well, maybe your _girlfriend_ needs this job to support her family!"

"I want to help you, Santana, but you won't let me!" I retort as she stands before me. She's angry and hurt. My chest is heaving. My head is pounding. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Her eyes stay glued to the floor and I shake my head, not wanting to discuss anything any further. Then, I race to the bathroom, lock the door and slam my back against it.

Breathe

Breathe

Breathe

I shut my eyes and listen to the sounds surrounding me. Like she taught me. The leaky faucet. Squeaky door.

For almost ten minutes, that's what I do. Now, I'm calm. As I walk out, Hailey is sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall.

"You guys are fighting, huh?" she asks gloomily and plays with her fingers.

"No, we're both just tired." I reply and sit down next to her.

"So why don't you sleep?"

"It's not that simple..."

"I know she's tired of taking care of us and living here. She hates it here."

"She hates that you guys are living here. She hates that we barely have food in the fridge, not that she takes care of you, but guess what?"

Her eyes lock with mine and I smile.

"I'll fix it."

"How?"

"It's a surprise! But, I _do_ want to go shopping. You like shopping, right?"

She nods repeatedly and stands up to let Michael and Alissa know. My heart fill with happiness, but then I remember my argument with Santana and sigh dismally. Her big, brown, hurt eyes take over my mind as I lean back against the wall. I can fix this. I can take care of her and her family. All I need is her to let me.

After going to the mall, grocery store and Bed, Bath and Beyond, we make it home. It's almost 5 pm and Santana still hasn't arrived back home. My insides twist and turn worriedly. I should have stopped her; I should have held her captive and begged her not to return.

Suddenly, I hear the click clack of heels against the wooden floor. Then, they stop and a thump is heard from the corner of the living room. I continue fixing the items in the fridge, not wanting to start another argument. Minutes later, her structure appears at the entrance of the kitchen. Without make up. Without heels. Without short shorts and revealing clothing. There she is...the woman I fell in love with. I don't mean for her to sound older than she is or anything like that, but it's true. She has come a long way and has earned the title of being called a woman. A strong, moving, respectful young woman that aspires to be something so great and powerful. She makes me proud and I'm glad I get to call her mine. If someone were to ask me when I fell in love with her, I'd have no answer. Falling in love isn't something that happens over night. It's something that happens gradually. With every smile, laugh, glance, and touch; you fall harder and it's a process that can no longer be controlled by the human body. You become weak to your knees and your heart beats at a faster pace that not even I can explain. That's love and no one has a right to judge it.

As seconds pass by, I feel her eyes bore into every inch of skin on my body. She's guilty and hurt. I can feel it in the air.

"Brittany," she begins and steps a little closer. Her arms cross into the large hoodie that seems to be too big, and her sweat pants just make her look so small.

"I won't go back," she says weakly and my chest no longer feels heavy. "but please don't stay mad at me. It hurts too much."

My breathing begins to speed up and I can feel the numbness in my body slowly start to vanish. Her eyes lock with mine and a tear streams down her precious cheek.

I breathe out and shake my head as my arms wrap around her. Her head rests on my chest as her arms pull me in by my waist.

"I have an idea." I state softly and she looks at me curiously.

"Come live with me. When we pick up Adriana, we can take her over and get everyone settled there."

"Brittany..." she breathes out and loosens from the grip that I have on her wrist.

"Santana, let me take care of you..." I whisper weakly and pull her back in. Her eyes look deeply into mine. She's reading me. Memorizing every definition of every word, chapter, and metaphor that my eyes write just for her. Only her.


	38. Tuesday  September 3, 2002

_No one cares when you're sad _

_No one cares when you're happy _

_Maybe if I leave _

_People will worry about me_

The ringing of my cell phone wakes me, and I jerk up from bed. 3:09 am. Santana's arms are wrapped around me, so it causes her to wake up too. I answer, and the woman at the front desk of the hospital informs me that Adriana had a seizure.

"Everything is fine," she tells me and I sigh in relief. "when she woke up again, she remembered your mother. Amelia, is it? She recognized her, so that's a very good sign. Maybe she will be healthy enough to release her in the evening. We'd like to watch her a little more."

Santana stares at me worriedly as soon as I hang up. She sits up in bed and hugs her knees to her chest with a frown.

"Is it bad? If it is, don't tell me."

"What if it's a little bit of both?"

She closes her eyes and bites her lip, thinking momentarily. "Fine, tell me."

"She had a seizure a couple of hours ago, but when she woke up again, she remembered who Amelia was."

She breathes out deeply and lies back down while looking up at the ceiling. I do the same and turn to look at her. A small smile is on her face as a tear streams down her cheek bone. I turn my body to face her, then embrace her tightly. Her lips press against my head softly. Finally, things are starting to get better.

...

Everyone gets into the car to go see Adriana. The sun is just about to set. My day was spent packing stuff with Sam, Quinn, and Rachel as Santana went out to entertain the kids. The U-haul truck should be unloaded by the time we get home with Adriana. Sam, Quinn, and Rachel said they'd put the boxes in the rooms so that everyone can unpack and come home to rest.

As soon as we get out of the car, the kids race into the hospital. A woman leads us to her room and there she is. Adriana; she's sitting on the bed looking at magazines as her bags rest on the floor. She looks up and the kids race to her side. Hugs and kisses are being passed around, then it's Santana's turn. She embraces her tightly and closes her eyes, taking in the feeling of happiness radiating off her body. She looks at me as I grab her bags, but then Santana takes them away.

"Hermosa," the woman whispers contently and hugs me. " Como estas?"

"I think I should be asking you that question." I reply with a smile and she chuckles. One of the nurses pops their head in to tell us we can't leave until we sign some papers. Weird. I thought I filled out all the papers that needed to be done. It's a secret though. They're not supposed to know. Adriana's doctor comes in and hands her a clip board. She looks at it confused and scans the page.

"What is this?"

"Billing information." he replies and hands her a pen.

"Can we do it in payments?"

"No-"

"B-but I don't have a job and neither does my sister she can't help me anymore."

"It says here that the finances have been taken care of. It's been charged by your savings. This is so that the information can be mailed to you if there's any questions."

"But we don't have a savings account. Who's paying for it?" Santana asks and crosses her arms to her chest.

"Let's see. It says here a Ms. Brittany Susan Pierce will be transferring payments to us."

I feel eyes of Santana and Adriana bore into me until I finally look up. My hands grab the clipboard and fill in my address. He thanks me, then walks out.

"Gracias, Brittany." Adriana whispers and rubs my shoulder with a smile as she kisses my head. I smile and watch her walk out as Amelia stands at the threshold waiting for her with the children. Santana steps closer to me with her arms crossed and a small smile on her face. She scratches her forehead, then sighs deeply.

"Thank you." she whispers and plays with her fingers. I grab her fidgety hands and she looks into my eyes shyly.

"You don't need to say that, Santana." I tell her and she looks down at the floor with a shy smile. My hands grab the bags from the floor once more and she follows me out. Now, we're going home.

Everyone walks in and eyes the house in awe. Adriana looks at the kitchen in fascination, then goes to the decor in the living room. The children walk slowly without touching anything because they think they might break something.

"This is your house? It's like a princess house!" Alissa exclaims and listens to her echo. Hailey races up stairs and picks her room along with Michael and Alissa. The new furniture should have arrived earlier today. Adriana and Amelia share a room as well and set up the other rooms as guest rooms. Michael has his own small bed a couple of feet beside Alissa. In between the two mattresses, there's a dresser with a lamp just in case they get scared at night.

Since all they had to pack were their clothes, everything is settled by the end of the night. Everyone is getting ready to rest. All the children slipped into their PJ's and brushed their teeth.

"It's almost midnight. You guys need to sleep." Santana declares as Alissa and Michael jump on their new beds. She steps inside and I close the door, but leave it open about an inch.

"Tell us a story!" they both demand in unison and Santana sighs wearily.

"Fine, Fine." she gives in and tucks the blankets over their small bodies. Gently, I open the door a little wider and stare at her, intrigued. She kneels to the carpet in between both mattresses and thinks for a second. The night light makes her skin shimmer and glow beautifully. Her eyes glance at different things around the room, then she clears her throat and begins:

"Once upon a time, there was a princess named Brittabella. She had shiny blonde hair and bright blue eyes that made everyones tummy tingle."

"Like Brittany's?" Michael asks in a whisper.

She pauses. "Yeah, like Brittany's." she says softly and looks at both the children in each bed.

"Anyway, she was so rich, she had teddy bears made of chocolate all over her house. She didn't have nice parents like all the other Princesses her age. Everyone would make fun of her because instead of loving the Prince her parents chose for her, she loved another man that walked her dogs for money; since he didn't have as much as she did. His name was Sir Santapolis."

I smile widely and watch both Alissa and Michael listen to the very familiar tale.

"He hand big brown eyes and matching silky hair. One day, Sir Santapolis saw the princess struggling with her house keys and quickly helped her solve the problem. It turned out that the lock sometimes got a little stuck. They became friends immediately and saw one another continuously. Sir Santapolis really liked being with the princess because she was smart, funny, and so amazingly beautiful. He loved her and she loved him."

"I like this story." Alissa interrupts and holds her teddy bear tightly.

"Me too." Santana agrees and tucks the small girls silky hair behind her ear. "Well, Sir Santapolis invited the Princess to a royal festival and guess what happened that night?"

They look at her hopefully and wait.

"They kissed."

They scrunch their noses in disgust and cover their faces with the blanket. Santana laughs and fixes her hair in a side braid.

"The paparazzi that was there took lots and lots of pictures of the secret kiss, then posted them everywhere for the whole kingdom to see. Her father had an evil minion that told him the news he had to know. The king didn't want the princess to see Sir Santapolis ever again. He shouted and yelled for her to keep away from him and she did."

"But why? I thought she loved him!"

"Oh, she did! But princess Brittabella wanted to protect Sir Santapolis from getting hurt because the king was going to swing his evil wooden stick and zap Sir Santapolis away forever."

Both their eyes widen in shock, but then slowly begin to close wearily.

"They didn't talk for many days. Princess Brittabella tried and tried to convince Sir Santapolis to stay away because she was dangerous, but he didn't want to. He missed her too much."

"This much Sani?" Alissa asks and spreads out her arms as wide as she can. Santana smiles and nods.

"Yes, that much. Sir Santapolis missed her _so_ much that he asked the Magic Mirror in his room to zap him away."

"What? Why?"

"Because if he was zapped away, his heart wouldn't hurt. When Princess Brittabella found out he was zapped away, she quickly ran to his old home in the village and found him slowly vanishing into the air. She begged and begged the Magic Mirror for him to come back and he did."

"Oohh..." Michael and Alissa say in unison while she continues.

"While Sir Santapolis was getting his body back to normal, the Princess would talk to him in his sleep. She didn't know if he was going to come back, but then, fairy godmothers came and took him away!"

"Why, Tana?" Michael mumbles and bites on the toy in his hand.

"He needed to get better. Then one day, he came back and went to the Princess' favorite ice cream place, hoping to see her there."

"Did they see each other?"

"Yes, they did and when they reunited, they made sweet, hot-"

"Cookies! They made cookies." I finish the sentence and race to her side. She laughs and nudges me playfully.

"That's exactly what I was going to say!" Santana turns to look at me and smirks. I roll my eyes and nudge her while taking a seat beside her.

"She took care of him forever and ever because that's what you do when you love someone. Sir Santapolis later moved into the Princess' castle with his mom and all his siblings because the Princess didn't want to see her Prince living in a bad home. Everyone lived forever, and they lived happily ever after. The end."

By the time she finishes, the kids are already asleep. Their breathing fills the silence of the room and the night light glows in the darkness. Santana turns to look at me and kisses my shoulder.

I lead her out into my room and she lies me down. Her hips straddle mine. My eyes can't help but look at every inch of her body. She's just so beautiful. She defines the meaning of beauty. My hands run down her neck, passed her breasts and down her toned stomach. Everyday, I discover new things about her. New laughs, new weaknesses, and I embrace them entirely. That's why I know her so well. I know when she wants me against her and when she just needs to be left alone. Right now, she wants me against her. Her lips capture mine fully and passionately. I feel the temperature in my body heat up as she continues to kiss me. Then, her soft lips trace patterns down my neck.

"She took care of him forever and ever because that's what you do when you love someone." she repeats a sentence from the story and looks deeply into my eyes. I tuck a strand of her hair behind her war and push my elbows up to kiss her again. Her hands travel down my body and begin taking off my shirt and-

Suddenly, the phone rings. Santana groans in disappointment and moves from on top of me so I could pick it up.

"Hello?"

"You have received a collect call from: Sean Pierce," a machine answers from the other line and then he says his name. My heart drops into the abyss I forgot was still in the pit of my stomach.

"Would you like to accept, or decline this call?"

I swallow hard and stay motionless on my bed, contemplating whether I should or shouldn't accept it.

"Accept." I say shakily and pull my bangs back. Santana looks at me confused and waits patiently before me.

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

It's him. My father. His voice sounds the same. Cold and scratchy because if how many cigarettes he smoked.

"Y-yeah, yeah."

"Brittany, honey! I'm sorry it's so late, I'm so glad you answered."

He's a phony, fake, two faced liar. I've memorized every tone his voice has reached and this particular tone is a simple one. The one he uses when he needs something.

"What do you want?" I ask coldly and he laughs.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing. When will you come down to see your old man?"

"I don't see why I should."

"Can you just come for a visit? We need to talk about some things and the restaurant. It's important."

I sigh frustratedly and think for a moment. "I'll think about it." I respond.

"Okay, well if you do decide to come, come Friday. Visitors are only allowed here Friday."

The line stays silent for moments.

"Well," he begins and coughs horrendously. "bye, sweetie."

I hang up. My eyes are glued to the space in front of me. Santana shakes me, but I don't react. I feel like the earth's rotation just slowed down. What is this feeling on my chest? It feels heavy and I can't really breathe.

"He wants me to see him Friday." I blurt out and Santana eyes fill with anger, but she controls it well. My feet drag across the floor as I sit by the window to get some air. Flashbacks take over my head. The belt, the cuts, the screaming. I can't take the screaming anymore.

"And you're going?"

"I don't know."

A pause. Tension fills the room. I can feel it with my fingers. She stands beside me and lets out a short breath.

"He hurt you so many times, Brittany, and not once did he say he was sorry."

"C'mon Santana, give me a break! What if he changed?"

"And what if he didn't. What are you going to do?"

A tear streams down my face as my eyes lock with hers, but then I turn a different way and wipe it off. I hear her sigh and curse under her breath softly.

"I'm sorry, babe." she whispers and grabs my arm gently. "I just...I don't want you to get your hopes up for nothing."

I nod understandingly.

"If you want to go Friday, then I'll take you. Is that okay?"

I nod once again and she pulls me in for a tight hug. The warmth of her body relaxes me. It's okay, I know she's trying to protect me. I'm glad I have her because I think I'll need someone once this gets a lot harder.


	39. Friday  September 6, 2002

I've broken all my promises

There's nothing left to keep

I can't hear your voice, or see your face

Don't let me fall asleep

_Life is supposed to be fun So when does it start?_

_When I slit my wrists,_

_Or begin to fall apart?_

You can't escape yourself

It's all in your head

If only people knew I go to sleep,

Wishing I was dead

Early in the morning, Santana is sitting in our room, looking blankly at the floor. She's coming with me to see my father today at the state prison not too far from here. For some time now, she's been asking me if I know what I'm doing. Honestly, I don't, but that's why she's here to help me. I stand hesitantly at the threshold of my door and walk next to her. She looks up at me and smiles halfheartedly.

"Remember he hurt you." she states and buries her words deep into my brain. I don't respond. She gets up from her place and enters the bathroom as I stand in the middle of the room, motionless.

[ Hours later ]

Santana parks in the parking lot of the prison and we just sit there for moments. She decides to stay in the car because if she sees him, _she_ might end up in there. Slowly, I walk towards the secured gates. My heart is stopping, then starting in a pattern I cannot control. They let me in, pat me down, then take me to another area of the building. An officer grabs me by the arm and leads me to a room where a bunch of visitors are.

"You have thirty minutes." he says and stands a couple of feet beside me. I sit at a white desk with a phone attached to the side of the wall. Then I see him. My father. He shouldn't even have the honor of that label anymore. I look at him and I see a different man. He pierces his blue eyes right through mine. That evil look he always gave me before he beat me senseless. But now he can't. The light brown hair he use to shampoo and condition daily is almost up to his shoulders and his eyes are bloodshot. His skin all dry and mistreated along with his lips. He picks up the phone beside him. The evil look on his face fades away some and I breathe out deeply.

"Where's your little friend?" he asks as his teeth clench.

"She's my _girl_friend..." I say. He lets out a short breath and rubs his forehead. "She's waiting outside."

He stares at me evilly and clenches his teeth, but then decides to stay calm.

"What do you want?" I ask rudely as my jaw clenches as well.

"I wanted to see my baby girl." he replies with a sad expression. He's lying. His eyes say so. Santana taught me how to read people with body language, eye movements, and facial expressions. She's taught me so much. Way more than what my own parents did in my almost eighteen years of life. I don't respond. Our eyes meet. The blue eyes that I practically despised my entire life are now making me feel like complete crap.

"Why now? What happened the past five months? No letters, no calls. Did you forget you had a daughter?"

Again, his teeth clench angrily and he breathes out. "Listen sweetheart, I need you to get the money in your savings account so your mother and I can get out of this trash. And the restaurant license needs to be renewed. Okay? Can you do that for your dad?"

My heart drops. His voice sounds so fake and pathetic, like always. A phony smile comes to his face and I feel like such a fool. For a second, I actually thought he missed me. Bullshit. He doesn't exist anymore. It's as if someone crossed out the word father from my dictionary. It has no definition. No meaning. And no it makes no sense to use the word. Same with my mother.

For moments, I think. Should I, or should I not?

_Remember he hurt you._

"...No." I reply and his face grows angry. The veins in his neck pop out and he begins to shout. Dad? That's weird. I don't really remember having one. The man who heard my first breath, saw my first step, and witnessed my first fall, has now seen the last of me, because I'm never coming back.

"That's my money! My goddamn house! Everything is mine!" he exclaims and punches the transparent-plastic wall between us. The security guards from across the room begin to drag him away, but he fights from their grip and throws the chair he was sitting on towards me. Fortunately, something is protecting me from it and it bounces back to the floor.

"I hate you! I fucking hate you!" he shouts and I begin to walk out of the guarded doors. My mouth is dry and I can't feel my head. Everything is fading and I feel like I'm about to burst into tears. He meant that. He really does hate me. Yet, he tried so desperately to reconcile our status as daughter and father, but now, that statement is long overdue. He's more like a stranger. A stranger that once had the honor of loving me unconditionally. His soul suddenly turned into a cold, cold stone. It's understandable. Imagine living in a lavish home with everything made of the most expensive material, then being thrown into a dump such as the state prison. Don't worry _dad_, just eleven more years to go.

As soon as I exit the secured gates, I see Santana waiting for me by the car. My eyes begin to form tears as she wraps her arms around me.

"Babe..." she whispers and holds me tighter. I sob into her neck and let tears roll freely down my face.

"He hates me, San. Why does he hate me?"

She continues to calm me down until I finally reach my limit. I breathe in deeply and she wipes the remaining tears from my face.

"It doesn't matter if he loves you or not, because I can make up for that." she says with a soft smile and I nod. She's right. She's always right. My breathing is normal again. Her presence makes I easier because she doesn't ask questions or say anything. She just embraces.

"Let's get out of here." she whispers and looks at me with a soft smile. I nod and we jump into the car.

...

She parks at our house and we race to my cabin, our cabin, then into my room. She lies me down and straddles my hips. I love it when she does that. It lets me know that she's mine and only mine.

"I love you, Brittany." she says with a wide smile and kisses my forehead. "So, so, so much. Remember that." she finishes and kisses my cheek multiple times before she hops out of bed.

"San!" I exclaim and she giggles.

"Come and get me!" she says playfully while throwing her jacket at me. I try and run up to catch her, but she disappears into bushes.

"Okay babe, you win." I say breathlessly, but there's no answer. "San?" I call for her and ninja chop through the bushes. My eyes land on her as she sits calmly on a log by the creek. I take a seat beside her and she laces our hands together.

"You found me." she whispers as my eyes glance at her wrist, then at her. This is it. This is where it all started. Where I noticed the cuts on her skin and the pain in her eyes. We watch the water in the creek flow down slowly. The smell, the trees, the dirt is all too familiar. Our tree is still standing, just like us, with pride. My gaze is glued to our laced hands as the scars visibly appear. They're fading into our skin. Her gaze is glued to the other side, where I'd see her walk the dogs every evening. A small smile comes across her face. She's remembering as well.

After all the terrible things that my life has thrown at me, I'm still here. Still living, breathing. Like what _everyone_ is meant to be doing. I waited a long time for this feeling. For love, passion and security a human needs to live. Patience is key; that's a lesson I will continue to teach. Without it, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have Santana, or my new family that she so graciously includes me in.

I rest my head on her shoulder and sigh contently. The happy ever after I wanted is finally complete.

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><p><strong>Author's note:<strong> There's still an epilogue coming up! So, technically there is still one more chapter. Thank you & goodbye.


	40. Epilogue

**Trigger warning * - do not read if you're sensitive at the moment. Written in second person [ to the reader]  
><strong>

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><p><em>You look like summer <em>

_But cry like rain _

_A smile is on your face _

_No one sees you're in pain_

I want to be with you five years from now

Then turn to you and say:

I told you we'd make it

Now everything's okay

_Your warmth is my savior _

_Bring your body close to me _

_Your beating heart and kind words _

_Make me fall for you so easily_

Show me how to ease the pain

'Cause I don't know how

Five years later, still, here we are. Everyone. We're living the life we never thought would happen. We're doing great and we're living the happy lives we never thought we'd have. I never thought I'd find someone like Santana, let alone find someone at all. She's happy now. Happier than she's ever been. She teaches a writing class in Lima Heights Community College. I run a program for suicidal and depressed teens called Saving Santiago, in honor of Santana's brother. She loves it. When she gets the chance, she stops by to visit. Luckily, we're sponsored by many corporations. There are adolescents from age 12 to 18. It's unbelievable how many are suffering. They look so strong, yet you can see it in their eyes how weak they are. That's where we come in; Santana and I. We help them through everything.

...

Pain is inevitable. Pain is all i felt before Santana saved me. She really did. After handling it so much, I find it hard to prevent. But what brings pain?

Maybe it's your self esteem.

Maybe it's your parents.

Maybe it's your school.

Maybe...it's everything.

I know you wish for the pain to stop, for the lies to stop, for the thoughts to stop, but they can't, so you go to the alternative choice. Cutting. Yes, you feel worthless, used, and lonely, but what if someone loved you and you weren't alive to hear it?

You think: it takes away the pain, but what if I just disappear from here? It'll take away all the pain...forever. No one loves me anyway. That's what I thought.

You pick up the blade.

Your parents find you in your room beside your bed. Blood all over the carpet as your eyes remain shut. There is no pulse, your breathing has stopped and too much blood is lost. Ambulance arrive, but there is nothing they can do. They called it; 7:21 pm. A loving member of the family, dead.

Your body is taken in a body bag to get cleaned up. Everyone is telling your family they're sorry for their loss. That you were such a wonderful person. So full of life and smiles everywhere you went, yet they didn't distinguish the fake ones you'd bring up. Or were they all fake?

The day of your funeral, over a three hundred people showed up. Friends, neighbors, classmates that you didn't even expect to be there. Your mother cries for you every minute. Every day. Telling herself it was her fault. Maybe it was or it wasn't. Your father? He loves you. He doesn't show it, though. For hours he spends his time sitting at the kitchen table "reading newspaper". Your face ends up on the front cover, along with multiple paragraphs about what happened to you. There he is, staring at your picture in dismay. Why? He never showed his love for you. He never cared, nor did your mom. Well, that's what you thought. You try and tell them that your fine. The aching pain in your chest is gone, but now, that's all they feel. Your siblings? They miss you. They miss your jokes and the way you'd hog the bathroom every day. Each day they pass by your room and want to knock, but remember that you're no longer present.

No one dares to enter your room. They're scared. All your stuff is in its place. That's where it will remain. Memories and pictures are all they have.

Friends miss you. Your best friend cries for days until she can't anymore. She looks at pictures and notes that were passed along, then throws them aside like nothing. She's angry. You didn't talk to her, she could have helped you. Classmates are surprised. They didn't know you were hurting so badly. The ones that picked on you regret their actions and wish you hadn't done something so tragic.

Now, no one can witness what a beautiful, successful person you were going to grow up to be.

Don't pick up the blade, the piece of glass, or the razor.

Imagine yourself elsewhere in the future. You have a family kids and your partner by your side. The sun is shining brightly on a hot summer day. The sky is clear and you take in the warmth of the air. You never thought you'd be this happy. Your partner turns to you and smiles, a wide smile that makes you fall for them just a little more. Everything starts moving slowly, then pauses. Life is letting you see how beautiful it can be if you just stay strong.

Mom and Dad are inside watching TV as you take care of the kids in the backyard. They love you and they're proud to see you grow up into such a beautiful, heart warming young person, like they knew you would. As they grow older, your time with them grows shorter and all they want to do is spend time with you. Never, for a second, did they think they'd lose you first.

Your kids; they're your life. Your daughter looks just like you. Same hair color and eyes. Her skin is your partners complexion, a light shade of tan. Her sassy remarks make you angry, but you have raised her well. You love her unconditionally. Your son, he has your eyes as well, but your partners hair color. He's a trouble maker. Always breaking and destroying things, but you love him nonetheless. You sit and think about if they might feel the same way you did when they grow to be a teen. Lonely and depressed. It won't happen, you won't let it.

Siblings have their own family as well. They come over and barbecue almost every Saturday. They see you're happy, happier than before. Your eyes no longer scream pain and your face is no longer pale. The sparkle in your eyes is what they notice now. It's beautiful, like yourself.

Your partner keeps you going. The rush you get when they kiss you is like a drug. A very healthy type of drug that fills your body with security. You need them. They long for you. For your touch, kiss, and whisper at the end of the day. You two found each other in moments of need, they needed you and you needed them as well. When no one else was there, they consoled you and helped you through times you wanted to vanish.

Your house; it's so beautiful. You never imagined something like this in your life. The garden that you did yourself is now blooming into small fruits and vegetables. You're proud of yourself. For the first time, you feel like you did something right and accomplished something people never thought you'd do. You proved them wrong and stayed strong for the people in your future. You're not so lonely anymore and that's the best feeling in the entire planet.

Your job is what you love doing. It's your passion and you do it well. Everyday, your co-workers yearn to see you working happily. The smile on your face is what keeps them motivated. They greet you every morning you walk in and every evening you walk out. You never thought you'd finish a book, let alone finish school.

Your best friend comes over every weekend. She talks to you about her life and vents to you whenever she can. She needs you, just when you thought no one did. Her son is amazing and she has another on the way. All the advice she could ever need is with you. You're part of her family and she is part of yours.

If you picked up the blade, this would be gone. No family. No house. No happiness. You wouldn't be with your kids playing in the sun. You wouldn't be smiling gracefully at your loving partner. You'd be in a casket. Just like that. With people in your life wondering how you'd be like if you were still breathing.

Santana taught me many things, but one thing in particular was how to love myself. So, love yourself.

Love your freckles

Love your body type

Love your skin color

Love your smile

Because if you do, so will someone else. Find patience in yourself. And if you wait patiently, your 'Santana' or 'Santiago' will come when you need them. They will teach you the meaning of love, the meaning of happiness and the reason you should be breathing everyday. Even if you think you shouldn't be here. You should. Everyone does. He/she will take your hand, kiss your cuts and guide you through the journey. The Journey to Love. You just have to let them.

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><p><strong>Author's note:<strong> So, yes, this is the end of The Journey to Love ): It was heart-breakingly fun! On my part. (Writing it) Haha. I hope anyone that reads this story understands the whole meaning. Just hang in there, and you'll be fine. Stay strong. Anyway, I am writing another! Different topic and stuff; very angst-y. Well, you'll see if you read it. I hope you do (: The title of this new one is: Afraid of a Touch. By that hint, maybe you can figure out what it might be about. But, I will also be doing a Faberry one. Maybe it'll be before the Brittana story. I don't know yet, we'll see! (I haven't really decided; it's hard -.- ) Thanks _so_ much and have a nice day, night or morning.


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